|Reviews for 50 Themes: Hijikata Mamoru - Toyama Haruka|
| Calantha S chapter 1 . 11/13/2013
These were fun! It was a very realistic progression of their relationship. :)
| GinGitsuneIX chapter 1 . 4/29/2013
Hahaha! I love the proposal! The idea of them getting married in the middle of a fight is brilliant!
| phppsmss chapter 1 . 4/13/2013
awesome fic! I was grinning away for most part of the fic.
| EtenalRest13 chapter 1 . 2/28/2013
Firstly, this was REALLY good! Loved it!
Okay, I really enjoyed the short themes like Romance. I liked how Tomorrow and Cake are a pair, but from two different perspectives. Those are cool, the ones that flow. Also like how Strong, Pity, and Victory flow so seamlessly together. And Wedding was hilarious. :) Wonderful job! :3
| Seraphiel chapter 1 . 7/12/2012
ahahaha I enjoyed this immensely :D
And I really really like their wedding. I hope it'll be canon *\o/* *\o/* *\o/*
| XXCaptainUsoppXX chapter 1 . 6/17/2012
Ahh, man, I've read this more than once and it's one of my favourite UDDUP fanfics. You've just captured the characters so well.
| Sora Aijin chapter 1 . 2/5/2012
I love it! I don't usually read 10/50/100 theme things because I prefer stories to snippets, but I really liked this story. Good job!
| Mistress of Solitude chapter 1 . 9/11/2011
I loved each one of them, and the fact that all of them were joined together to make a large and bittersweet love story, made it all better
| Reading-in-the-Corner chapter 1 . 6/19/2011
fantastic fanfic xD
really enjoyed reading it :) great work ;)
| lilica chapter 1 . 6/7/2011
i really liked this! It was nicely written and you did keep them in character so well done! Im not sure about the way mamoru found out about the wedding or that he should have found out at all but i still enjoyed your story )
| Indochine chapter 1 . 5/28/2011
Very very good! And very adorable, too.
You should write more! :) We really need more UDDUP good fics! :)
| Pom Rania chapter 1 . 5/24/2011
This is adorable, and I love it. And we need more good UDDUP fic.
| Trinity chapter 1 . 5/22/2011
Kyaaaa, I love this fic! #4 got me giggling, and then #5 made me hysterical! *falls on back and kicks feet in the air in delight* Then the rest is omigosh, kyaaaaaaa...
The thing about this fic that's so awesome is that it's totally plausible. XD I haven't thought about it before, and it IS kind of cheating, but having him realize that she's an adult after coming into physical contact with her grown-up body is entirely possible. *waggles eyebrows* I really love it that while it's 50 themes, it makes a continuous story. You use the themes so well and so appropriately that I'm completely delighted, heheheheheheh. :D
#10 is one of my favorites! I don't think Juliet actually knows about the prediction, though, but it's possible that she worked it out herself, and/or asked Sierra and Igawa about it. #11 is eeeeeeh a bit of stretch, but hey, it works! #30 and #31 are a wonderful juxtaposition, and so appropriate. Poor nurse in #32! #43 got me laughing, too. In #45, does "disgusting" mean that Juliet's cooking is gross? lol The rest is amazing history, yay!
A'right, onto grammar fixing! I'm not doing it to be mean, I promise. ;) Please be patient with me.
First of all, your tenses aren't consistent. Some are in present tense, and some are in past tense. Normally this would be okay if each theme is written as separate pieces, but since these are treated as a continuous story I think they should be all present tense or all past tense. Some of your themes have both present and past tenses at the same time. Take care to be consistent and only deviate when you meant to.
In #1, "Five years and Mamoru is still kicking said assassins' ass." Eh, maybe I'm just being petty, but methinks it should be "asses" there. ;)
#2, it should be "blood-soaked future[,] and Mamoru was tired..."
#5, I guess "implanted" works, but it's a little awkward. Maybe simply "planted" or "buried" would be better? And perhaps "rather" instead of "slightly" would also work more smoothly? That last one is my personal preference though.
#7, the "at" is not needed in "pondering at his relationship..." The following sentence would be smoother as, "...exactly employer and employee[;] after five years, she had yet to pay him..."
#8, insert comma between "go to sleep" and "his alarm clock." On another note, I'm not sure if Igawa would dare to tease Mamoru about having a physical relationship with Haruka. Or was he just thinking it? But that's just me.
#10, hmm, in regards to "And since Igawa...," and other subsequent examples, I'm not sure if this is a hard rule, but in general, try not to start a sentence with "And." Sometimes it adds something, like in #4 where it helps make a great punch line, but usually the sentence can do without it. If you read the sentence to yourself without the "And" at the beginning and it makes sense without losing any nuance, the "And" should be taken out. It's up to you, though, due to artistic license and all that. I'm mostly just following the grammar lessons brutally ingrained into me in high school. ;
#11, it should be, "That night Mamoru dreamed of [a] church." Also, both present and past tenses are used in this one. I understand that it's a dream and so he can be thinking in present tense during the dream, but then "wondered" would kind of be out of place due to the fact that he's wondering within the dream. Get what I mean? No? I know it's convoluted. -_-; In any case, "Haruka made her way" should be either present tense to go with the whole "present tense in dreams" thing, or it could stay as it is if you decide to make everything past tense. The last sentence should overall be,"Then he hears a small click[,] making him look up and watch in silent shock as Haruka [makes] her way towards him[,] wearing a wedding dress. And he thinks, Oh." Keep the "Oh" in italics.
#12, it should be, "He blinks multiple times, his breath [coming] out in pants and his chest felt tight." Again, inconsistent tenses.
#13, it should be, "He looked around the room[,] staring at..."
#14, it should be, "Haruka shouted after a couple [of] tense, shocked seconds of silence."
#17, it should be, "So when they came to her like she knew they would[,] even though she knew Mamoru wouldn't be there to protect her[,] she fought them."
#18, it should be, "Her vision had shocked him[,] but he could always deal with that later." It's an run-on sentence thing. You can research the rule more if you like (I do recommend it if you don't know it well; it's pretty important), and then choose to break it or not.
#20, run-on sentence. It should be, "Haruka had said[,] and Mamoru filled his memories..."
#22, it should be, "Despite her brave and [clammed-up] front,..."
#23, it should be, "the horrified looks on her [attackers' faces][,] and Mamoru's own tense face..."
#27, it should be, "but feel [relieved] at the sight of Mamoru..." Then "she shouted once he neared[,] and he hesitates..." And possibly, "jumped into [his] blood-soaked arms..." but this last one is a personal preference thing.
#31, it should be, "stopping them from killing those involved..." No "in" needed.
#34, it should be, "he knew [they were] there," since we're talking about multiple scars.
#35, should be, "Haruka found herself saying[,] watching Mamoru out of the corner of her eyes[,] 'these scars...'"
Here is an example I will use for my explanation: "Whatever the reason," she said, wrinkling her nose, "it normally doesn't smell that bad."
When a character is saying something and you break their speech to introduce "[such and such] said," a comma would be used after that and then the rest of the quote continues with the first word NOT capitalized (unless it's a proper noun) as it would normally be in the middle of a sentence. A period after "she said" would denote that the first part in quotation is a completely sentence, and that the subsequent quote is a new thought, with a capitalized first word. Example: "I don't know the reason," she said, wrinkling her nose. "It normally doesn't smell that bad."
#37, should be, "Her laughter [brought] shivers that [traveled down] Mamoru's spine."
#38, should be, "Even weeks after the kidnapping incident[,] Mamoru knew that..." Back in high school my teacher said that when you start a sentence with a phrase that is 3 words or more, a comma must follow. (Ex: "After three grueling hours full of noise and heavy labor, I finally got to go home." Or, "When in Rome, [you] do like the Romans do." Or, "Two days later, I got the letter." Etc.) Usually with prepositional phrases of less than 3 words, you can omit the comma, e.g., "Before that I'll eat." However, sometimes you'll need that comma, e.g. "Feeling weak, I stumbled and nearly fell into a ditch." Bad explanation, I know. ;
#39, "unwilling" may be better than "not willing," but I'm just nitpicking.
#40, I presume you meant, "[Tracing] the soft outline..." It's also ambiguous whether he did it mentally or physically. Perhaps clarification is in order, but you don't have to.
#41, should be, "Sierra screeched[,] making everyone else..."
#42, should be, "Igawa said[,] ignoring Sierra's outraged screeches as Juliet held the other [woman] back."
#44, should be, "glaring viciously at one another[,] and Juliet, the only happy one..."
#46, should be, "slamming both hands onto the table[,] making everyone jump."
#47, should be, "Haruka said with a giggle[,] more amused that..."
#49, should be, "hijacked by assassins (one of [whom] turned out to be the priest)[,] but Haruka had already saw that coming[,] and Mamoru had..." Next sentence, "So he cut off a few fingers[,] and they were married..."
*gasps for breath* Omigosh that took about all I have. *faints* I'm sorry if I missed anything and if my reply formulas aren't always consistent. I hope it helps. Watch out for the tenses and comma use. I really enjoyed this fic, so thank you for writing it! I have little creative writing talent, preferring to read others' work, and I'm always happy to see more UDDUP stuff! March on!