|Reviews for Taikyoku|
| Tristan chapter 4 . 8/4/2014
Why don't they just run their own club? Hee hee, they must always be wrapped around Snowman's little finger in every highschool's setting. The obligatory drug dealing and being a gang, the repressed kismesis, Spades fucking Slick of all people being on Student Council, now this! Really, all you need now is for Problem Sleuth to be the new kid, who's also openly fabulous, come in and snog Slick for a bit.
This is brilliant. It's not as deliberately and openly terrible as Miki and Maka with their bring sunny Sueish "I going to make the world a better place even though I really don't know how the universe works" attitude accompanied by the "I'm going to drag this as long as I can so my perfect perfect OC get so much spotlight even though I don't know how to write." writing style. You really can do it, I wish you'd have a Mary Stu parody too.
| Tristan chapter 3 . 8/4/2014
Slick's gonna sing. Unless they get Sleuth to. I mean, in some fics he's like an honorary member or something.
The way you make Spades and Snowman's kismesitudes as downplayed so that all she's doing is making him type up minutes, even giving logical reasons for it instead of the usual threaten/coerce/order wonderfully mimics how how BQ/SS so often gets tossed in the airlines in favor of any other pairing, even the non blackrom pairs.
Your fics are hilarious, mimicking badfics as hard as they can while insulting a whole slew of writers simply by how bad you make them seem through your stories.
| Tristan chapter 2 . 8/4/2014
Just call me Tristan. It's as real as any of my names. Bout time you knew.
So the crew's on Student Council? The bad, bad crew? Wonderful tribute to everyone making the group all official, but more subtle than making them a gang of some sort. When do the Sleuth's join in? Or are you making them absent for irony? The disclaimer that you don't know what you're doing is a nice touch.
I also love how you like sticking frogs in places. It reminds me of other people thinking they're so clever for including a frog cameo because frogs are important to paradox space.
| Still around chapter 1 . 8/4/2014
Like the others, you still haven't the courtesy to label it parody, but it's a high school fic, and that makes it clear enough. Nice you brought in the "MC is so very bad, they are such a real gang because they talk like one and killed some incompetent green guys" thing. I've seen it everywhere, but I've never seen real justification for it. Just "Oh they said the do heists and stuff" like they didn't build the city.
Who's the teacher? White Queen? Some random dame?
Haha, suddenly the Crew is all together because they're so bad and nobody else is bad enough to be there at the same time as they are.
This I'm familiar with. I don't really have too much time, so I'll leave my usual for every chapter.
| AlithiaSigma chapter 1 . 4/26/2014
Not as interesting as I first anticipated. The initial idea is intriguing.
| Guest chapter 12 . 1/17/2014
Dialogue is not written as "Hello," she said or "Hello!" she said, always "Hello." She said or "Hello." she said or "Hello," She said or "Hello" she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence does contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello dumbbitch." farla grinned like an idiot, never "Hello," she grinned or "Hello," She grinned. Note that something is a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is not in any category. Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," she said. "This is it." not "Hi," she said, "this is it." or "Hi," she said "this is it." or "Hi," she said "This is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," she said, "is it." Also, remember that generally "said" is the best speech verb to use, and even more importantly, "stated" is no*** yada yada yada. this is what you call a review, you fuckking cunt?
fuck? i am so scared.
| Guest chapter 12 . 8/25/2013
Is it too late for me to say I absolutely loved reading this fanfiction? I'm usually put off by high school fanfictions, but this one I really enjoyed. Though it is unfinished, I still think it was most definitely worth reading.
| Sessalisk chapter 6 . 10/21/2012
Karkat’s in this? O_O
Well that was a surprise. I assumed it was gonna be all carapaces. He’s adorable.
“’No.’ The kid latched back onto his side anyway. ‘Let go! I fucking hate you kid.’”
I would suggest indicating the speaker here. There are some conflicting messages being sent by both the paragraphing and the narrative. For instance, this comes as a new line after Karkat is speaking, implying that Slick is the speaker. However, the narrative following the line has Karkat as the subject, implying Karkat is the speaker. A simple “Slick said” (or changing the subject of the following sentence to Slick, rather than Karkat) would remove all ambiguity.
“’Kid,’ Slick said. ‘Kid. Babies are stupid people who challenge each other to - to fucking duels of honor or whatever the fuck the stupid shit you just said is. You don't tell people their head has a date with your fist, you just fucking do it. Preferably while the idiot's got their back to you and his stupid fucking girlfriend finally takes her fucking eyes off him long enough to get a good hit or two without her snapping your fingers as soon as you get within ten feet even though you didn't even have a fucking weapon out yet.’
‘Oooh,’ said Karkat in awed tones, like he'd just imparted some brilliant wisdom. Slick would say that much for the kid, he knew when to fucking listen. ‘But isn't it more badass to show you can win even though the other person knows you're planning on fighting them?’”
“Slick did his best to avoid elementary schoolers, they didn't have anything worth taking and they weren't useful for anything either,”
Slick (subject) did his best to avoid elementary schoolers (predicate) simple declarative sentence. They (subject) didn’t have anything worth taking (predicate) simple declarative sentence. There’s only a comma separating these two clauses, so this would be a comma splice.
“Slick could relate to that. He idly shoved at the kid again. Nope, the hand still locked on his shirt was not letting go. ‘Well then frame her for something and hope she's too distracted dealing with that bullshit to bother you. Maybe get her expelled, that would solve your problem.’
‘Would that work?’
‘If you can pull it off.’”
:D I love the advice that Slick gives to children. I wish I had a mentor like him when I was growing up.
| Sessalisk chapter 5 . 10/20/2012
I don’t have a ton to say about this chapter that isn’t just grammar and punctuation. Snowman and Droog remain awesome. I remain slightly lost plotwise.
There are a lot of comma splices in this chapter. I haven’t really commented on them much while they were in the dialogue, since they’re generally acceptable in dialogue, and people *can* talk like they’re speaking in constant run-ons. Still, they’re used so often that I can’t help but wonder if they’re intentional or not.
A few examples:
“That fucker busted my arm, I'm going.”
“That fucker busted my arm,” is a simple (declarative) sentence of its own, containing both a subject (That fucker) and a predicate (busted my arm). Similarly, “I’m going” also contains a simple sentence, with the subject (I) and a predicate (am going). Both clauses are, therefore, complete sentences and independent clauses. When two or more complete sentences are conjoined solely by a comma (without being followed by a coordinating conjunction), then you have a comma splice.
“Well I do, go get cleaned up.”
Subject (I) predicate (do) simple sentence. The bit after the comma is trickier. It doesn’t have an obvious subject like the clause preceding it, so it kinda looks like it could be a dependent clause (making this a complex sentence, rather than a run-on).
However, the second clause is actually an *imperative* sentence, where the implicit subject is the person being addressed (you). It doesn't share a subject with the first clause (I), and should be read as "(you) go get cleaned up" rather than "(I) go get cleaned up". Since imperative sentences are also complete sentences, this line is also a comma splice.
There are two other “seemingly-incomplete-but-actually-not” kinds of sentences that can be kinda tricky as well: interrogative (Why? How did you get there? What for? Huh?) and exclamatory (Wow! Hey you! Fuck this!).
“That reminds me, I need to ta...lk...k never mind.”
Subject (That) predicate (reminds me) simple sentence. Subject (I) predicate (need to talk) simple sentence.
You probably get the idea. Once again, I’m not sure how many of these are intentional, but I figured I might as well explain the whole thing in detail just in case it was an error you were making more often than you realised.
“He resisted the urge to rub his forehead, he didn't want to risk getting any more paint on him than was absolutely unavoidable.”
Since this comma splice is in the narrative, rather than the dialogue, this one should probably fixed.
Other, non-comma splice stuff:
“A second later he'd had the gall to punch back instead of holding still,”
This was a teensie bit confusing. It was clear enough eventually, through the context of the rest of the sentence, but it could be helpful to specify that it was the Dersite who had the gall to punch back here, rather than just a generic “he”.
“’Huge bastard bluh bluh usual shit. Hey, what the fuck are – ‘ Slick craned his neck. ‘ - Droog, what the fuck why are you painting those fucking things?’”
Dialogue punctuation error here.
“Slick you're getting blood all over the floor. And that shirt is going to be ruined.”
There is a direct address comma missing after the word, “Slick”. Direct address commas are important! They’re the difference between: “Let’s eat, Mom!” and “Let’s eat Mom!” (Also, awesome Droog is awesome.)
“Slick made an enraged wordless sound in his throat”
“enraged” and “wordless” are coordinate adjectives modifying the noun “sound”, and there should probably be a comma separating them. idk. I’m still getting used to the whole “light vs. heavy” punctuation thing.
“’Here,’ the nurse said, passing him a brandy bottle.
Slick uncapped it and swallowed a mouthful. ‘Thanks,’ he said. He pulled a card from his pocket and handed it across. The nurse nodded and slid it into his own pocket as Slick took another swig.”
Whoa. Weird. They give out alcohol as a painkiller to students at this high school? At mine they weren’t even allowed to give us aspirin.
| Sessalisk chapter 4 . 10/19/2012
I really enjoyed this chapter. The back-and-forth chess dialogue was fun, and we got to see more of Snowman being awesome. I’m still not 100% sure where the whole thing is going, but I’m enjoying the ride anyway.
“She shrugged. ‘I already know the regulations.’
Slick clenched his teeth. ‘No you don't,’ he lied. ‘Because if you did I wouldn't have had to look up that rule last meeting.’”
It’s a bit odd to see the “lied” tag here, mostly because it’s used in the context of a character guessing at a different character’s knowledge. Does Slick know for a fact that Snowman had actually memorized the book? And he’s just saying she lied to be contrary?
“’It doesn't matter who wins,’ she said in the blithe tones of someone who wins.”
“’Fuck you he was breaking both your fucking rules!’ Slick exploded.”
Consider rewording the “Slick exploded” bit a little, and maybe even placing it before the spoken line. Right now it almost feels like an action rather than something modifying the dialogue.
| Sessalisk chapter 3 . 10/18/2012
Huh. They’re in a band now? That seems a little sudden. I wasn’t even aware that enough time had passed for them to *form* a band in the first place.
I don’t have many more general comments, other than that I’m not really sure where the story is going anymore. I guess the high school setting really does necessitate that it be more slice-of- life than plot-driven anyway.
"You're a fast writer," she complimented, adding sweetly, "If Slick could write this fast he'd probably be done with those forms by now."
Very Snowman. :D
“And what do you mean hard to read, it isn't that worse than the ones I write.”
Is there a “much” missing between the “that” and the “worse”?
“’Hey,’ Droog hissed.”
“Hey” has no sibilants in it, and is impossible to hiss. “whisper” might be a better word choice here.
“That last time, everybody but else were all amateurs”
There’s probably an error in here somewhere, most likely the “but”. Also, the “were” should be a “was”. The subject is “everybody”, and even though everybody refers to a group of people, it’s a singular noun.
| Sessalisk chapter 2 . 10/18/2012
This chapter loses a bit of the tight focus of the first one, which had mostly a character-based, “bunch of people trapped in a room having a discussion” (AKA bottle episode) feel to it.
Now we get to the actual plot, where Slick plans to take over the school. I’m guessing that the “they” in the first chapter is most likely the absurdly powerful student council or something. Wherever Snowman’s leading them, though, seems like another thing entirely.
“Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...not happening.”
“But she's –“
Very nitpicky, but there’s a space before the dash here, and earlier you hadn’t been using any spaces around your dashes. While either are acceptable, it’s always best to keep the spacing consistent.
“In the massive book on school rules and regulations lurking in one corner like a squat, dusty frog, the one with the endless thin pages with every inch filled with dense bureaucratic text in tiny font Slick would rather stab himself in the eye than read.”
This is a very long-winded sentence, but it’s also technically a fragment. (There is no subject.) Then again, you might be trying to say that Slick spat inside the book. If Slick isn’t spitting inside the book, perhaps the start of the sentence could be rephrased as something like “The massive book on school rules and regulations lurked(…)” instead.
“’Yes, but there's a difference between offering some buses to people who sign up and transporting the whole school,’ Snowman said.
‘Not if you tell them to. Send 'em all, we're going to win,’ Boxcars said. He nudged Droog. ‘Tell her.’”
I’m not sure exactly what this is in response to. The conversation skips straight from a request to take minutes to this line. Were they having a conversation about buses that the narrative just glossed over?
Not a bad chapter overall, but it lost a bit of the engrossing character momentum of the first one. I think it was probably the change in setting that did it.
| Sessalisk chapter 1 . 10/17/2012
Here’s the line-by-line assessment first for a change:
“The door swung open too fast, slamming against the painted cinderblock wall with a bang. The teacher jumped but recovered fast.”
The word “fast” is used twice in just as many sentences here, and in a slightly repetitive way on top of that (subject predicate fast, participle phrase. subject predicate fast.). I’d suggest using a synonym for it, or maybe even just phrasing the sentences differently.
Technically speaking, “fast” is an adjective, and in both uses, the word fast is being used to modify a verb rather than a noun. An adverb like “quickly” would fix that issue as well as the repetitiveness thing (assuming you only use it once). Then again, using the adjective here instead of the adverb, might just be a stylistic choice to express informality.
Finally, "cinderblock" should be two words (had to check google, wikipedia *and* a dictionary website for this one — different places can prefer different spellings). I kinda like the way it looks as one word, though.
“Two pieces of a broken screw was by his shoe.”
Even though “screw” is closer to the verb, the subject of this sentence is actually “pieces” rather than “screw”. Since “pieces” is plural, and “was” is the singular conjugation of the infinitive “to be” the subject and verb are disagreeing here.
The sentence should read, “Two pieces of a broken screw were by his shoe.”
"I like my hat," said Deuce as he climbed into one of the chairs, unperturbed by the criticism.
"No one could like that hat," Droog said flatly. "It's an abomination."
“Slick held up a hand suddenly, then swiped it in a cutting motion. He jerked his head toward the door. Boxcars stopped talking and they all listened to hear footsteps on tile getting louder.”
Hm… The way this is worded is actually a little confusing. When Slick held up his hand and swiped it in a cutting motion, I actually thought that he might have had a switchblade hidden somewhere, and that he’d stabbed or slashed Boxcars. I wasn’t aware that he was just making a gesture until the next sentence, where Boxcars was still alive, and not bleeding to death on the floor.
I realise this is very stupid of me, but it’s *Slick*, we’re talking about here.
“She shrugged laconically.”
The “laconically” might be a little redundant, since shrugging is a pretty laconic action anyway, and her reply is a single word.
“"So? Why didn't he blow up the teacher's lounge or some place useful like that? All he managed was to make a mess that inconvenienced us at least as much as them. I had classes in that wing."”
I really like this line. It gives a nice insight into Droog’s character, that he thoughtfully considers his acts of petty vandalism. Their interactions here are also very good, showing a lot of their dynamics and through their reactions and word choice.
Just to give another example, this is a great line: "'Wasn't a fight is how. Got me for inappropriate literature.'"
While this sort of setup definitely isn't new, it was still a smart decision to have them all talk about the things they did to get into detention. We find out immediately what kinds of people they are, what motivates them, and what they're capable of.
“They've been on my back trying to catch me selling anise cuz some fucker tipped them off or somethin',”
Hah. Licorice drugs! :D
"'Well I just fucking did,' Slick said. 'What can they do about it?'
But Droog nodded slowly and noncommittally. 'They keep things running smoothly, though. And keep teachers off our backs.'
'Fuck them,' Slick sneered. 'If I was in charge...None of this bullshit about rules, and -' He gestured around the room. 'This. Or all this fucking - it's like some fucking cold war, neither of them are willing to just fucking end it, all out winner takes all, they're just fucking skirmishing and won't commit to anything, if I was in charge it'd be different.'"
I don’t know who they’re referring to with the “they” yet, other than some third party between students and the teachers. Hall monitors, perhaps? Maybe something (like magic dragon-unicorns!) unrelated to the whole school system? Still, it’s a little too early to tell, and I’m sure it’ll be revealed in a later chapter.
In general, I think the dialogue is what’s making the whole chapter work. It’s, admittedly, a pretty dumb premise (which you are already aware of), but what holds the whole thing together is the chemistry between Droog, Boxcars, Deuce and Slick. There’s also a bit of a plot hook at the end, with Slick planning on taking over the school, so I’m starting to get a general idea of where the story’s going as well.
If I had to make one general criticism, it would have to be the over-reliance on said-isms and adverbs to convey meaning in this chapter.
To give a few examples:
“’Well what would you have done?’ Deuce demanded of Droog peevishly.”
I like the alliteration here, but I’m not sure how necessary it is to have the “peevishly”, since the tone is easily inferred by the whole, “Well what would you have done?”. It’s a very defensive/irritated-sounding thing to say in the first place.
“’Hey, you're not any older than I am!’ Deuce said indignantly.
Once again, the dialogue here has a pretty indignant quality all on its own. My personal preference, when reinforcing tone through the narrative, is to do it through an action (placing objects down, staring, sighing), or by doing something character-specific (maybe he shuffles papers when he’s indignant, or maybe he picks at his knuckles). Even with that in mind, I think that just “said” would work fine here, though.
“’I heard something snap,’ Droog volunteered levelly.”
That’s a little bit too much, and without even the appeal of alliteration.
There are more examples, but not all of them stood out as much as those three.
Anyway, I quite enjoyed this, even if I found the setup not much to my tastes. I'm looking forward to seeing where this is going.
| Ash chapter 1 . 10/14/2012
I love the characterization in this story, the one I have a problem with is Sn0wman. She just seems a bit too "nice", if that can be a thing, but that might sprout from the fact that she's younger here.
I light the names you've come up with for the White Queen and such. I only wish it would be a bit more obvious who exactly is being named the first time they are used.
Sometimes I felt like some of the chapters could have started a bit earlier. Starting writing halfway through the scene can be a good way to engage readers in the actions, it's a little overused here. Also, when doing this, it's helpful to use a name or distinctive noun before switching to pronouns. You know exactly what you're thinking, but we can't read your mind.
Overall, this story is interesting. The highschool setting is cliché, but the characters react well. I enjoyed reading this, and hope this review was helpful. I also hope it didn't come offas too mean, because that isn't my intent. Ciao!
| TehDarkPrincess chapter 1 . 9/19/2012
Please continue this
Its so awesome