|Reviews for Origin of The Prince of Light|
| JGM16 chapter 46 . 12/8/2014
Overall, it was all right
| JGM16 chapter 44 . 12/8/2014
| Greener223 chapter 34 . 10/16/2014
There are so many ways I can think of to have made this better.
But first, a gripe: Why is Abel using the Mercurius? He's a lance specialist. Heck, it's hard enough to get him to C rank in swords when I use him! And believe me, when I use him, I ABUSE him. Hell, even if he's been in the League from the beginning, he's still just another knight in an army filled with royals and the occasional noble. If you're not going to give it to Astram, then why not give it to Marth? It was initially Marth-only in FE1. Plus it would've made Marth VS Camus seem more significant.
And now the Camus fight, where all your flaws stick out altogether:
1: Why are you forcing everyone to repeat every bit of dialogue in the actual game? That's an amateur flaw!
2: Robert disappeared halfway through the scene and didn't appear for the rest of the fic.
3: If you write horseback fighting worse than you do non-horseback, why continue to have people mounted in fight scenes?
4: You still fail to make Astram seem anywhere near as competent as Horace and Midia said he was. Which in turn heavily undermines his 3-map pursuit in FE12.
5: SHOW, DON'T TELL! This applies to any situation.
6: Why did we have to get a bunch of interludes with Michalis twirling an invisible moustache in front of Ludwik? Why not just leave him invisible until the party's encounter with him?
7: "You speak of Sir Camus of Grust? The people must never know... 'Twould be heresy." A direct line in FE12, some of Boah's last words, now ruined by having everyone gossip about Camus and wanting to spare him. By having everyone in the army find out about Nyna's love for Camus, you make us question why Hardin would even marry Nyna knowing she didn't love him beforehand, as well as insult Astram further by being so effortlessly Worfed.
8: You write as if the tsunami that yanks Camus into FE2 took 15 minutes to happen. He should be dead long before it even shows up.
9: Seriously? A tsunami? You have a CLIFF overlooking the sea west of the castle, and THIS is the best you can think of? You could've just had him driven off the cliff by a barrage by Marth or Hardin, taking little injury so as to make his survival across an OCEAN to be plausible.
10: Nyna wailing from the towers of the castle? WAY too angsty, and continues to step on the plausibility of Hardin marrying her.
The Michalis scene is better written, but not that much. The flaws are still easy to list:
-Michalis does nothing but brag and demean people he has sworn to kill. Couldn't you have him steal the Hauteclere, or kidnap Maria, or at least wound someone to give him some buildup?
-You waste an opportunity to establish Iote's Shield by attacking him with Excalibur.
-Quoting Solidus so soon after turning Oriddyion into Ocelot, followed by paraphrasing The Boss. There is not enough cringe.
All in all, the best thing I can say about this is that you didn't turn Lorenz into Big Boss just for having an eyepatch. Though that comes at the downside that you didn't really do anything with Lorenz. Heck, you could've had him try to call off Belf, Leiden and Robert at the very least.
| Greener223 chapter 33 . 9/20/2014
Oky, credit where it's due: this is probably one of the best chapters you've written since the chapter with Kleine and Michalis. Making what was probably assumed to be a half-bandit, half-Grustian mercenary unit into half-zombies charged with the Fane's protection was brilliant, and you finally managed to give descriptions of what everyone was doing during the actually-pretty-good fight scene. My one big complaint, then, should naturally be: Why didn't you do anything like this sooner? Also, you could have addressed the Tiki recruitment much less clumsily as you have here. Capping that off, why would Michalis be informing Ludwik of something that Lorenz or Camus would probably inform him about earlier? Though it is a decent way to set the stage, mind.
I only hope that next chapter took hints from this one.
| Greener223 chapter 31 . 9/6/2014
"This chapter was written almost entirely for the Orridyon scene"
I can tell.
But before I tackle that, some lighter comments:
A lot of your dialogue has slowly been turning more and more redundant. When points need explaining, try to make the dialogue as minimal as possible. Otherwise, we end up with exposition like last chapter, where everyone keeps mentioning how good the equipment in Castle Helena is in every other sentence. And with your inability to write action scenes, it just makes the exposition unnecessary and a waste of time. Storytelling rule #1: "Brevity is the soul of wit", or rather: "DON'T WASTE MY EFFING TIME"
And on that subject, weapon quality in an FE fanfic: don't address it. If we wanted to address game mechanics, we'd actually play the actual game instead of read a fanfic conversion.
Etzel just seems off. You had a perfect template for him through Canas, and yet you decide to make him obsessed with the memory of his wife. I can't pinpoint what exactly's wrong with that, but I can tell that there still something there.
And finally, the Orridyon scene. What were you thinking.
I don't know how you managed to read my mind, but just because Orridyon looks like that does not mean you should steal one of the cooler scenes from Metal Gear Solid and use it to shill for your precious Wolf. Hell, comparing him to Gray Fox that blatantly has just shoved him straight into Mary Sue territory. And now I'm fearing that you'll write in a scene where Roshea and Michalis have a half-naked fistfight atop his wyvern.
| Greener223 chapter 29 . 8/26/2014
I knew it. You're hooking up Palla/Wolf and having Roshea act as their adopted kid, Kingdom Hearts-style.
TBH, it's a nice idea, but it's just not gonna work. Wolf may not be your Vyland, but there has to be some kind of inner resentment towards anyone not of Aurelian heritage within him, judging from how easily he turns on Altea in FE3, and how indifferent, and in retcon, defiant, he was to King Aurelis' order to withdraw. There's no way he'd be the kind of person to marry, especially not a woman as reserved and self-sacrificing as Palla. Of course, your Palla isn't the real Palla. Heck, all your females not named Midia have been pretty damn submissive and lacking in initiative. Plus, if you really wanted to show them on equal, you wouldn't keep reusing the "Taking the Bullet" scene for Gordin/Norne, especially when the scene with the Morzas fight could've had it take a cruel twist that both of them get hit instead of just Gordin. Another way it could've been done well: In Japan, the phrase "I will protect you" double as a subtler declaration of love. Having them exchange vows of protection on infirmary beds during the next chapter would've been a much better method of capping their relationship. Slightly more open-ended, but a perfect fit considering FE12 being a clear factor in your fic.
As such: I'm sorry, but your Palla and Norne are failures as characters. And Linde doesn't seem to have much character other than enabling an artificial love triangle between her, Roshea and Merric, and causing a really out-of-place Star Wars quote. Seriously, man, what were you thinking with that scene?!
| Greener223 chapter 25 . 8/23/2014
Pretty much what I'd expect from a Gra chapter, but three big flaws and one small one:
-Both FE3 and FE12 say that Gra was devestated by the War of Shadows, so having their military stay in the thousands makes Archanea's later enslavement of the country absurd.
-The small one: Why not have Jiol use a bow for his sneak attack? He has one on him in-game, and it would be more believable as a threat than a thrown lance.
-Your obsession with the Wolfguard, while understandable, is getting overboard to the point that your hyping up for Astram ended up painting him as an incompetent, especially if you have him in fear of Wolf. Not to mention...
-WHAT IN GOD'S NAME HAVE YOU DONE TO PALLA?! THE LAST THING SHE SHOULD BE IS SEXUALLY ATTRACTED TO A 14-YEAR OLD ROSHEA (PLUS WHY IS A MEMBER OF THE WOLFGUARD FREAKING 14 DAMMIT)! IT UNDERMINES HER ARCHETYPE AS THE WIFE/MOTHER FACE OF EVE AND TURNS THOSE TRAITS INTO EPHEBOPHILIA OF ALL THINGS GAAAAAAAAAAAAH!
| Greener223 chapter 23 . 8/13/2014
Another chapter, another sad handful of criticism:
-Horace and the Archanean knights was handled fine. No problems there.
-It's kinda getting irritating about how the Wolfguard keep stealing boss battles, but since there's really no one else to develop, it's ignorable.
-Dialogue, while vital for characterization, can only go so far. The fight scenes would work better if every other paragraph didn't have someone talking. It could also use a clearer POV.
-Bringing me to an overdue criticism: Was it necessary to have that scene with the disarmed Gra soldier in Chapter 4? Any way you look at it, the scene was contrived as all get out.
-Conversation and inner monologue don't need melodrama like overexplanation or dramatic repeats. You're writing a fanfic, not a movie trailer.
-Tomas. Unnecessarily turning a character into a lech will only get the reader's ire directed at the author. (Google: Ron the Death Eater). While Rickard and Radd's demonization is forgettable, you have Tomas be more than a one-off joke, and what's worse, after establishing him as second only to Jeorge in the last chapter, you decide here to make him into a shit archer that couldn't hit the bright side of a barn. Not cool, Scuttlest. Especially since Gordin and Norne are losing screentime as of late.
-Give Marth a fight scene soon. While this may be FE11, any fic made from it will still be forced to make either him or a self-insert the main character.
-While I don't want to be a moron and say "DO EVERYTHING EXACT OR I RAPE YOUR FAMILY", giving Linde and Roshea a relationship should only go so far, since her infatuation with Merric needs to hold for the sake of character development. I really don't want to see a love triangle between them.
| Greener223 chapter 22 . 8/7/2014
Oh dammit, I forgot about one of my bigger criticisms. But a few lighter blows first:
-Exaggerating Zharov's treatment of Maria. Just one slap across the face would've been fine, having it happen daily seems ridiculous.
-Caeda's inexplicable visions may seem cool, but seeing as you're going for a "no-casualty" writeup, they seem like pointless buildup.
-The "lovers' charm" cliche during Lefcandith Gauntlet. Never mattered, and was dropped in the very same chapter. Kind of a waste of screentime.
Now to offset the blow with praise: Your in-jokes with Athena and Jeorge being matchmakers, along with Roshea's new crush on Linde are pretty smart, as was your changing up of Jake recruitment. Made it seem nowhere near a lucky contrivance. Same with Nyna's moments in the chapter, and the fight scene with Khozen. But still...
-Dejanira. What the fuck was that. I get that it's boring to write everyone so simply, but to make him such an out-of-nowhere anachronism breaks the suspension of disbelief harder than you realize.
All in all, I still like your fic. Sorry if this offends. This chapter still managed to be as good as all the rest, don't worry.
| Greener223 chapter 21 . 8/7/2014
I'll be honest: when I heard that there was actually an FE11 fic on this site, I imagined it to be both a stupidly plotted out sequel oblivious of FE3's existence, as well as only a few chapters long, unfinished. With that mindset, this fic's entire existence seems to be the actions of a ridiculously kind-hearted god, and its Sturgeon's Law-defying quality is equally wonderous. This has to be one of the best fanfics on the site, and undoubtedly the very best FE fanfic in history, with all the subtle spins on canon and FE12 buildup you've written, and how you've written Dolhr and the Wolfguard are easily one of this story's biggest strengths. I've gotten up to Chapter 21, but I can still tell it's still not at the best part yet, what with all the buildup you've put towards Horace.
A few critiques, though, not counting the usual spelling and grammar mistakes:
-While you've actively stated to really not wanted to write Roger's recruitment, it could've helped if you gave a few scenes with him as maybe a guard hired at Port Warren, so that Caeda, or maybe Caesar and Radd, could have a point to recruiting him.
-Gordin's situation in Chapter 18 felt very contrived. Norne uses a bow, therefore getting her legs stuck in ivy wouldn't affect her in any way. Heck, I need to go on a whole tangent with your characterization of Norne:
-While Norne was built up as a self-made militiawoman in the first few chapters, and her character manages to stay decently in line with that of an undisciplined soldier, she's been very much static since Chapter 11, and there's been no mention of her own skill; Gordin's been the one to get all the action every scene they're in combat since.
-Likewise, Rickard and Radd's cockiness seems like a contrived attempt to put Gordin/Norne though faux hardship. While Radd's can be dismissed for me, Rickard seems pretty uninterested in relationships beyond his "teasing younger brother" relationship with Julian. A better idea would have been for Rickard to assume Norne to be Lena.
-The peg knights and Dracoknights in Lefcandith Gauntlet and Princess Minerva are Dragoon affiliate, and are therefore Macedonian, but I'm willing to believe artistic license.
-While I like how you make Linde seem older to assist her relationship with Nyna as well as indirectly making Merric x Elice more believable, having Roshea be younger than her doesn't seem anything but detrimental to his place in the Wolfguard.
-Finally, your subplot with Kleine and Michalis would've used a bit more showing of her persona instead of you telling how Oriddyion and everyone despised her, and Eremiya/Eremiah needed to be less expressive, too.
Anyways, nice work regardless, I hope to still be impressed as I read on.
| Blackwizard71 chapter 46 . 1/18/2014
It was a very good read, however i have had one main issue with this, the protagonists are invincible. Now i know with the game laid out for you it's hard to change things, and someone would complain if you killed anyone. It still wold of been nice to see a lot of characters have major difficulties with some opponents. Also there seemingly small force curb stomps nations, . I know a lot of these things are in the game it is still a little repetitive story. Also i would of liked to see Marth show off some clever strategy. Not that these are easy things to do, but it would of made this a better read. Considering i am writing up a FE 12 novelization i will get to experience your frustration.
| tloyc2014 chapter 42 . 8/22/2013
I would pay money to read this, if it were a book and not a fanfic. That is all.
| kayra isis chapter 46 . 6/22/2013
hello hello! ive just finished Reading your story and i totally love it! :D
thought i havent finished the game -im chapter 16-, i could imagine all the figths, and all the characters personality... i cant play anymore without imagine them like you describe them.
you totally make me a gordin/norne fan - theyre so cute together! :3
and... you made me a Wolf fan too... * - *
i must ask... what happened with frey? where is he? I NEED TO KNOW!
i didnt know that Nina marries Hardin at the end -spoiler for me- ohh how i hate her! just playing with his feelings
well, you published this story a while ago but i supposed that you would like the review :D
keep writing like this - the way you describe scenarios is just amazing...
ps: sorry for my bad english, not my mother languaje
| Guest chapter 23 . 6/16/2013
This story is an awesome novelization, i wish you could make a one for light and shadow, though i understand if you don't
| Brightcrest chapter 46 . 10/1/2012
I don't usually review stories that were finished more then a month ago, but I think I'll make an exception for this.
To be honest, when I first saw this, I wasn't really expecting much. I didn't even read it at first. Then I started actually reading this, and all my expectations went out the window.
Though I love the game, I will admit that saying the story is bland is an understatement. The fact that you made both the story and the characters entertaining is nothing short of amazing.
I loved how you showed just how much of a Pyrrhic victory it was. I mean, it lead directly into an even worse war. That is definally too great a cost for the victor.
I wish that you'd continue this into New Mystery, but I can definally understand why you won't.
I just reviewed to say this: This may just be the best fanfiction I've read.
One last thing: Screw you Boah. Just screw you.