|Reviews for Tell Them|
| Arlene chapter 1 . 8/19/2014
| KaMi-HiMe BVB chapter 1 . 3/3/2014
that was AWESOME! love it love it love it!
| totaldreamer-86 chapter 1 . 9/15/2013
i love this 3
| Guest chapter 1 . 9/13/2012
I like your writing style quite allot.
| hpbtrpll2897 chapter 1 . 8/2/2012
I loved the story, but as an R5 fan, I was upset that the facts were incorrect. The drummer, Ellington Ratliff, isn't a sibling. And with the youngest brother, were talking about Ryland (youngest in family) or Ross(youngest in band)?
| Deathi chapter 1 . 8/29/2011
Since you've asked about your writing style especially, I will focus on that. Just to the story in general: Very cute, but as you said yourself I don't think it's much in character.
So now, with regard to the writing: I think in the first part where you describe how Curt and Riker got together it's too much of an explanation and too less about feelings. The feelings come across rather implicitly cos the whole scene is about outer action: "the blond boy blushing and turning back towards the TV screen as he muttered an apology" This probably indicates that Riker is ashamed that he has succumbed to his feelings and perhaps he's afraid that he ruined the friendship. The only more or less direct mentions of feelings is "full of repressed and hidden emotions". However, it isn't only about what you write, but also about how you write it. I think your style could be improved by varying more with regard to the sentence length for example because the majority of your sentences is quite long, but to describe feelings you could try using shorter sentences with a more precise diction.
"Quite prepared to be shouted at by his other friend he closed his eyes yet instead feeling a slightly calloused hand reaching around to cup the his face in his palm, opening his eyes wide before being pulled around for another kiss." In this case you could use a full stop after "he closed his eyes" to make Riker's anxiety and fear more definite (I hope you know what I mean).
You can also play a bit more with order of words in a sentence to give it more variety and you actually did it once or twice as in "Not being able to leave marks upon his pearly skin in a way of claiming the boy without the constant shadow of the Lynch family in his subconscious." That's exactly what I mean and what I like: if you put a sentence out of the subject-verb-object order (at least to me) it appears more emotional.
I don't know whether it's done on purpose or not, but you haven't used any direct speech in the whole story although it would probably improve the authenticy of the story. "Curt and Riker had immediately connected upon their first meeting on set and had both become fast friends within a few minutes of talking with each other." The first meeting is very important and you could've pointed it out if you had written their first meeting in direct speech. First of all, that would highlight the importance (when you don't use a lot of more direct speech in the following) and it would make the whole scene more vivid.
Another point is the choice of words that doesn't always seem fitting to me, for example: "[...]the sweet kisses that the two stole around the set. Thus, all of their friends in the warblers and fellow cast members knew of their progressive relationship [...]" You used the word "steal" in here, but when I think of the word "steal" I connote it to secrecy, but obviously all their friends see those kisses, which doesn't make it secret at all.
A second example would be "Poor Curt had almost had enough". I don't like the adjective "poor" cos to me it gives the sentence something childish as if to ridicule Curt's situation.
Furthermore, you often refer to Curt and Riker as either "the older one" or "the slightly taller one". I, myself, prefer using their names even if you risk some repetitions, it's just more precise.
I think that's it, and I hope you aren't mad at me for criticising so much, because I actually enjoyed reading it, I'm just missing the emotional aspect.
(If you have any questions or want to discuss any point I mentioned, don't hesitate to write me a message)
| RChaha chapter 1 . 8/14/2011
I love Riker... you made his sister seem awesome...
awhhhhhh :D that made me happy
| Narwhal92648 chapter 1 . 5/29/2011
Dude I love this story. And I saw the other person say Curt has a wife, and it's true. Dammit. Dx Id much rather this couple. But anyway, keep up the good work! :)
| Orchestra-Eight chapter 1 . 5/25/2011
I'm just letting you know, the third paragraph or section of whatever of this...It's in desperate need of some comma's. P.s. this is great :)
| Imjustrach chapter 1 . 5/24/2011
CURT AND RIKER -fangirl faints- I have a slight obbsession okay? Love this and I like your writing style!
| Guest chapter 1 . 5/23/2011
i love this, so cute. but you may wanna know that curt has a wife. otherwise i'd love them to be all over each other (if not me lol)