Reviews for Undone
SarawrHXC chapter 5 . 8/7/2011
This is an amazing story, I really like how youve got the characters spot on, and your writing technique (description and change of p.o.v) is great!

Cant wait for more!
Ennuii chapter 5 . 8/2/2011
I love this! Fenris is always so complex, and you do his character justice with your writing!

I look forward to reading more from you! :)
MaryGolden chapter 1 . 7/29/2011
I was just wondering if you were ever going to update this story? it'd be sad to not read anymore but you seem to be focusing on your other one completely.
hey chapter 3 . 6/28/2011
i love where this story is going. but i wanna tell you that i lik chapters 4-5 better than 2 and 3. their kinda drabbly and a lot funner. 2 and 3 were just so long, you know? good for a book, but the point kinda got lost.

just my oppinion. I saw reviews sayin you should edit and you might do it.

still great story though.3
MaryGolden chapter 1 . 6/28/2011
I really love this so far. Your dialog was good.

But I noticed that you didn't edit well. The Hunter Captain's name changed often in the first chapter. You kept switching between calling him Marcus and Marius. you might want to do some editing.
Guest chapter 5 . 6/27/2011
good story so far...but you might want to re-edit chapters 2 and 3. I know you said in your A/N you already have, but there are a few mistakes in there that could be fixed.
Rokubi chapter 5 . 6/23/2011
This is a wonderful story! You write Fenris's character so well, too. Update soon. .
SirDeryl chapter 5 . 6/23/2011
Nice story, I'm really enjoyed it :) Seeing things as Fenris is very interesting,a new fresh perspective that makes me want to play the game again XD Update soon? :D
LightsAurora chapter 5 . 6/20/2011
Oh, emotional timeline. If that was the effect you were going for when switching heads in a single chapter, I have to say, it does sit well in that context. Though in this chapter, I don't think you did it once. Either that, or the flow was more seamless.

I'll also note that I really like your writing style. It gets out of the way of the story while still keeping the reader informed, if that makes any sense. I haven't seen a single info dump, or a lack of awareness of surroundings. You strike a nice balance with that.

Ah, Isabela! Love her, and LOVE Fenris' reaction to her! I liked how you compared the way Isabela and Bethany look at him to the way most everyone else does; as a shiny new toy or a fearful monster. The way you show Fenris as not intending to seem as cocksure as he comes across, because he's so NOT cocksure (heh, cocksure *giggle*), is very refreshing. I know I sometimes end up doing that when I'm nervous.

And dat LINE: "He realized that Hawke was the first woman to ever see him as a man."


I may have to use that in my current FenrisFic and attribute it to you, because DAT LINE. *swoons again*

Keep it up, hon, this is very compelling stuff!

LightsAurora chapter 4 . 6/17/2011
Oh, how LOVELY.

The stripping and destroying of all things Tevinter in the mansion was VERY satisfactory, even just as a reader. My head!canon always had Fenris wary of the comforts of a bed, though I've always held out hope that he would get used to it, in time... provided a certain lovely companion were there to warm it. *giggle*

I really enjoyed Fenris' hesitancy on trusting Hawke or Bethany, even as he observed and learned more about the sisters and their ways. The ending line - "It was enough to keep his usual guard down, if not his walls" - was very poignant, and very in character. Just because Hawke helped him and gave him slavers to kill, doesn't mean he doesn't think she's playing a longterm game, at least in his mind.

ConCrit: On occasion you switch between characters' minds. This chapter was fairly clean of that, because you were concentrating on Fenris' observations of the sisters, except for the 4th and 3rd paragraph from the bottom, where you switched to Hawke. (If you could, let me know if this is your style, and I'll stop adding it to my crits - some people do it on purpose, most do it by accident, and I'm never entirely sure when to mention it. I myself prefer a tight 3rd POV - never veering from a character's mind unless there is a marked break - so I usually assume that it's not intended.)

I'm really enjoying this take on the story, I can't wait for the next! I'd try and guess what the next quest is, but whenever guessing games pop up my initial reaction is " o.O uh wut?" lol.

vivalaraza11 chapter 4 . 6/17/2011
Wow, this is reeaally good.

I think you've done a really good job with making Fenris feel like he is a broody, unsure and awkward kinda guy who's a bit difficult to understand at times.

It's also really interesting to read about the little things that you don't see when playing the game (The whole Anso ordeal was something I had never even thought about while playing).

I'll be keeping an eye out for updates, I can't wait to read more.
Medusa Davenport chapter 4 . 6/17/2011
You've really gone all-out with the characterization and it shows. You've put lots of thought and consideration in and it's just fabulous. I love this fic.

Way to go!
Guest chapter 1 . 6/17/2011
Your very good at describing how things look and expanding on the story - might add the other senses a bit more sound, smells, etc Well worth following your story...
LightsAurora chapter 2 . 6/16/2011
Hmmm, interesting! I like that you show the 'down' times, if you could call it that, lol. After 3 years of running, Fenris is bound to feel desperate and unsure, and you showed that well.

Concrit: Your a/n says you smashed together several chapters, and I sort of feel that maybe that wasn't the best move. 7K words is a LOT in one chapter! But that's personal preference on my part, and I won't begrudge you it, because the story is really good! Only other thing I remember seeing is that you misspelled Lieutenant (I know, there's no way that word looks right in ANY spelling, lol).

Hope to see more soon! _
Emantsal chapter 4 . 6/7/2011
A very well written story. You take the in-game action and dialogue and then tell the story behind it, what's going on behind the scenes and in people's heads.

Looking forward to your next update.
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