Oooohhh. Sounds interesting~ _ But I got all "O-o" when author described Kyoya wit waist length hair tho.. .. Does he cut it short later on? && he's still yaoi right? Anyways, can't wait for next update ! :)

Currently, your right. This isn't amazing. The spacing is a bit awkward, your world isn't very fleshed out, and your characters are relatively 2 dimensional.

HOWEVER

The premise itself is interesting and it has alot of potential as a story. The chapter could be improved on. I suggest just, more. Expand the vocab in the stories, give the characters a little more realism. Make them more human. Since each character talking changes the paragraph to a new one, you have to add more to the paragraphs to avoid the awkward one-line.

I suggest you continue this story, because I would like to read it lol. The universe you have created needs more life, but its definatly salvagable. So please do continue. I like it so far.

Thanks for posting.