|Reviews for Wild Rose: Chronicles of the Eight Seals|
| Nom de Plume chapter 1 . 5/10/2013
This is a chronicle alright. MY GOD, the length is intimidating. If I had more time in the day I would try to read all of this but unfortunately, I had to skip to the 'meeting' between the two. And what I did manage to read so far, no doubt, you have writing talent in you. The words flowed smoothly and the two's different personalities were charming. I love how you gave this priest bunny ears and... shades, so unexpected and different. This definitely perks the readers' interest and not only that, the girl's short fuse creates interesting scenarios.
I can only suggest that you cut down the length a bit... (in half, cough) so it would be more reader-friendly and also help you with easier updates later down the road. (IF you ever update that is.)
But truly, this story /definitely/ has potential,
| Joezette chapter 1 . 7/10/2011
Lady Knight! I love reading story of one of them. XD
| Manda-chan chapter 1 . 6/4/2011
This is a review reply to : The Circumciser. I hate to use this method to reply to reviews, but since you didn't sign in to review, I had little choice.
Anyway, I just want to clarify a few things: I realize I use way too much detail about... well, almost everything. It's part of my writing style, even if it's not proper or professional in terms of writing. I like to paint clear pictures more than leave it strictly up to the reader to do so. You have a fair point about it being off-putting and boring, though, and I'm taking that into consideration.
I am grateful for the critique, by the way. However, though you said not to take it as a put-down, it's rather hard not to. You critiqued plenty that you didn't like or think was done properly, but there wasn't a single thing you said you did like about the story, besides that it had 'potential'. Am I to assume it'll only be worth reading further if I fix everything?
I should mention that this is also my first attempt at anything relating to action/adventure. I'm primarily a romantic comedy writer. This is a new and big step for me, so yes, I'm aware I wasn't going fly through it with ease.
Another thing I want to mention is that my habit of referring to a character by different parts of their appearance/rank/sex, etc, is also personal preference on my part. If I see too many 'she's and "Character Name"s, it just drives me batty and I have to space them out more with other terms in-between. I realize that this is a very bad habit - one I've had for ages. But I'm not looking to be a professional writer, either. I write for fun, basically. I will try to cut back on that, however. I know I overdo it.
Out of curiosity, the comment about the "Mary Sue alert" due to use in color choice words... how does that work, exactly? I mean no offense. I just honestly don't know what the difference in the terms has with determining a Mary Sue from a regular original female character.
Noted about the adverbs, as well as differentiating the knightress/lady knightress/knight terms. My issue there was calling her just a 'knight' when she was a lord knight, but I wanted to effeminate it a little, hence changing 'lord' to 'lady'. And as for why her name wasn't mentioned sooner, it was more or less because of the perspective of the story up to that point being from the character herself. I didn't find it plausible that her name would turn up in her thoughts and perceptions, but you're right that I should have introduced it sooner.
As for her 'type', I don't recognize most of the names you mentioned, sans the last one. So I'm guessing that you're referring to a 'tsundere' type. And yes, she does lean that way. But... well, I don't know how much to say without giving anything away, but I'll just say that her hot-headedness and feisty-ness has to do with more than what is shown so far.
'but it is worth noting that there will be people who won't like the implications of this setup' - By this, I'll assume that you mean a girl who is always in need of saving by a more powerful and confident man? Again, I don't really know what I can say about it without giving anything away, but readers are free to make any conclusions they wish.
Thanks for taking the time to review. I apologize that my first attempt at this kind of story is incredibly lack-luster. I can't promise that it will get much better in your eyes, or anyone else's, for that matter. I'm very used to writing the way that I do and I can't simply change the way that I write that easily. I suppose I could try to find a beta-reader, but I don't think my friends are interested in reading anything RO-related.
| The Circumciser chapter 1 . 6/4/2011
Hello. I'm going straight to the critique. Please don't take this as a put-down of your story. I think it has potential and should be continued. I would have hit the back button a few paragraphs in otherwise.
There is too much description thrown in at the start. We don't need to know every detail of your main character's outfit and appearance right off the bat. Make your readers care for your character first through her personality and story so they can become interested in knowing what your character looks like. Don't worry, we can survive with just a brief description for the meantime. Instead of paragraphs of description on your main character's appearance right at the beginning, spread out the description across multiple chapters. You can thus reward attentive readers and keep your readers from being bored by chunks of description in the introductory paragraphs.
I would recommend using "Blue green or Bluish Green" instead of "Aqua" and "Pink" instead of "Salmon". There is nothing inherently wrong with the words you picked but those types of descriptions can cause Mary Sue alerts to go off even when they shouldn't.
You only need to mention a character's hair and eye color once. No need to keep referring to them every other paragraph. Trust in your readers' memories.
On the flip side, describe your monsters and spells instead of just relying on the names and expecting people to get what they look like.
You don't need to remind us that your character is female every other sentence by referring to her as "Lady Knightress" and woman and other things. There's nothing wrong with plain "knight".
I don't see the reason why it almost takes half the chapter to pass before you mention the main character's name.
Some of your adverbs are pretty awkward. "She shouted openly." I don't quite get how shouting openly looks like.
On a more personal preference note;
You are free to make up the terms in your world as you wish. I just think it's unnecessary to coin the term "Knightress" when "Knight" is a perfectly suitable term for both men and women of that profession. "Lady Knightress" is just plain redundant.
Your main character is a feisty young woman with a quick temper and a violent streak who hates being called short. She probably won't like being called flat either. I can almost imagine Rie Kugimiya doing her voice acting. Personally, I don't like this sort of character but if you intended to make this similarity to Shana, Nagi, Louise and Taiga then I won't criticize your taste. If you have no idea what I'm talking about here then feel free to ignore this portion of the review.
Your first female character in the story is clumsy and reckless and had to be saved by the highly competent and confident male priest. I won't make a judgement so early in a story but it is worth noting that there will be people who won't like the implications of this setup.