|Reviews for One Summer Day|
| AmyAddict1 chapter 1 . 7/15/2011
Definitely suspenseful. Since you're not making a long fic, do you think you might to a sequel or so?
I think taking the story from the kidnappee's POV is a great idea. Perhaps, you can sort of "redo" the story and take it from the spouse's POV. Just a thought...
Good luck in the contest.
| Angel Peach Blossom chapter 1 . 6/30/2011
First of all, I have to say I'm glad I didn't do what I originally planned. That way, your story is unique in the premise. It still would have been unique, but now it is even more so.
If your curious, you can ask me, but I'll tell you in a PM instead of your review.
Anywho, I got to admit, I was surprised that someone took this route. I give you credit for writing a topic like this, and you did write it very well! Though I admit, the way it ended wasn't my cup of tea. I prefer a rescue occurring myself. But this is your story so I'm no complaining!
Sweetie already mentioned some things, and I have a couple more to add.
I noticed you accidentally mixed up something and I assume it wasn't your intention. You mentioned a woodcutter's house and then had Claire calling for Gotz... only to refer to it as Zak's house later.
You also spelled Zak's name wrong the entire time, but it is an easy mistake, since spellchecker may not check 's spelled Zack.
There is a bit of an inconsistency later. When Claire demanded who her kidnapper was, even though her voice was strangled, she was obviously understood. She had something covering her mouth, so shouldn't it be more muffled?
My last complaint is more of a little nitpick and it is very minor. I was curious whom Claire actually saw. Considering the 'why' she wanted to say, I'm assuming that she at least recognized him, and I was curious to see who.
Now for the good! I can sympathize with Claire in hoping this whole experience being a dream. I can understand that very well, since in some of my dreams I have been captured before.
For the most part, this was written very well, and you did a good job painting a picture. While I would have liked a little more, I loved the description of helplessness that Claire was going through. It just felt real to me somehow.
I think first person view was a perfect choice for the story you wanted to tell! While third person would have worked, I don't think it would have been as powerful.
Aside from some things, I think this story is pretty good! Good luck in the contest!
| SweetieLove chapter 1 . 6/7/2011
It's quite an interesting take on a more mature theme. It's has the elements of drama and bits and pieces of suspense. Since this was a bit difficult to pull off, I actually praise you for making a great attempt.
Things you should try to work on:
For one, the last we heard was Claire wearing a tankini and Dolce and Gabbana (which I love) before she was kidnapped. You could add the essence of what she felt beneath the kidnapper's grasp aside from being forced or dragged around like taking note of the surruondings through her skin.
Second, suspense. I admit I liked reading it, but it did not really draw me in. You have to make the story the most persuasive you can get, to outline the action and instensity but with a touch of vagueness and mystery to it.
Lastly, the plot and the kidnapper. You left out very few descriptions from the kidnapper. If we want to know more, you have to think of a lot of peope with the same characteristic of your kidnapper that may help confuse the readers along the way. Let's say a sly smile, then beautiful/mesmerizing eyes, glossy skin...these ideas will surely make a reader pin down one person after another.
Overall, you did a great job but it can still be better. :) I hope you don't think my review was patronizing, I'm just being honest, like you said in your message.
~ Peace Out
| I Can See Stars chapter 1 . 6/4/2011
i think it might be harris or gotz... idk...
| Kahtita chapter 1 . 6/3/2011
Well, i really hope is somebody like Gray, but that would be too fluffy. :P
Maybe it could be any bachelor jealous of her relationship with.. Gray! I'm a Graire all the way. :D
Great first chapter! :)