|Reviews for Piece of Cake|
| SonicRomance15 chapter 1 . 4/16
This is sweet and cute.
| Guest chapter 1 . 1/20
Mario x nikki
| technickal chapter 1 . 11/24/2012
Nice try, but I don't think the "secret" slide was meant to have any in-game connotations. I just think it was called that because there is no hint of it being in the game.
| Elemental Queen chapter 1 . 4/20/2012
Cute story! Now I want to try Black Forest cake o.O
| tetekanui chapter 1 . 3/6/2012
["Went through fifteen painting worlds, gathered seventy stars and fought Bowser three times," he responded with a wink. "Therefore holding open a door should be absolutely nothing in comparison."]
...Did Mario just make me blush? Did I just swoon over MARIO? Holy smokes. If anyone said that to me, I'd melt like a puddle at his feet, I'd be putty in his hand...MARIO? Am I really saying this about a pudgy, overweight, helium-sucking plumber? Yes...yes, I think I am. Which is a major compliment to the author who created this particular interpretation of Mario.
This was incredibly cute. Mario always seemed so concerned and protective, and never asked for too much, and lapped up every word she said. That said, Peach was pretty cool too. Using the kitchen as a way to further her characterization and round her out a bit was a unique and creative idea. I admit my first thought when the narrative started to delve in depth about the kitchen color scheme was 'This is unnecessary and not extremely interesting,' but then the way you tied it back to Peach's character made it worthwhile, and there was even some funny snootiness in Peach's thoughts - 'unlike what SOME people might think, my kitchen is not all pepto-bismol pink!'
Speaking of Pepto-bismol, though, it seems rather strange that Princess Peach would think to use that reference. Now, nearly everything I personally write is AU, so I'm the last person to complain about fudging up canon a bit, but - the rest of your story is SO canon. So this bit about Pepto-bismol, and also the part where she mentions television seemed out of place. The Mushroom Kingdom, in the games, seems pretty medieval as far as their technological advances go.
The part where Mario surprises Peach and she leaps in the air was over the top, but it made me smile. The moment felt staged, like it was trying too hard to be funny. The humor that worked better was the more understated kind which seemed to flow more naturally. Humorous things that I could see people actually saying or doing. The part where Mario describes going into the painting and is like, "Mother of God, when did I fall into a war zone?" made me literally laugh out loud for quite some time. You have a really good ear for comedy; I'd just be careful not to try to force it.
["I know I don't need to," he grinned]-He can't grin words. Structuring your sentence this way, you need a speaking word in the place of grinned, or you could rewrite it to say ["I know I don't need to." He grinned.] It's a very common mistake, and a recurring one in this particular piece. At a certain point, in place of a speaking word, you have Peach "blush" her line. I want to talk a little bit about blushing while I'm on the subject. It happens a lot in this piece, and I mean a LOT. I understand it's a romance bit, but I really think the story would have benefited if the characters had remained the same color for more of it. That also would have made the moments where they do blush mean a little more. There was one instance that I thought worked really well - when Peach kissed Mario on the cheek and he turned red; it just screams canon and is an adorable moment. But the impact is lessened a little bit because Peach just looking at him the right way is also enough to make him blush.
The way Peach explains baking sounded forced. I really don't think even someone whose main hobby is baking describes it that way. But I did like the moment when Peach explained that baking was about finesse and not strength; I think a really good moment of self-realization for both characters, and subtle to boot.
Now, near the end here, the way they speak to each other does end up perhaps sappier than I would've liked. It just stops being as sweet as it was and turns into this mushy gushy gooey sparkle love vomit at each other. I mean, I'm sure that how much they love each other isn't the only thing couples ever talk about, and if it is, reading about it is boring. Just look at the Twilight series. It's like chilling with mates who are loads of fun separately, but when they're together they enter their own little couple bubble and don't acknowledge others or anything except how lovely the other looks tonight and suck the fun out of everyone's night as a result. I'm talking about lines like ["It's an honor being in your company."] and ["Tha-th-that's g...great."] That entire conversation got to be a little much.
However, within that conversation I was impressed by how often you showed and didn't tell. When Peach slowly grinned, it communicated perfectly how she felt about wanting Mario's company. There are issues with telling instead of showing; for instance, [Mario turned red again, honored that she would want him for company.], [Mario stopped short, surprised at her statement.], and [He stuttered, truly endeared by her words.] Honored, surprised, endeared. The narrative doesn't need to take the time to tell us that when it can just as easily show instead. Also, this sentence - [Peach suppressed a sigh, although not completely as it came out very quietly, but only she could hear it.] - was just plain awkward because of the extraneous detail. Also, I don't know what this means - [her mood suffering a slight would but fighting it off.]. Maybe you meant "wound" there instead of "would"? Or maybe you were trying to say that she felt slighted.
I will say that at some points Mario seems a little unrealistically perfect; I mean, he is completely balanced? Not even a little bit impatient, never exhibiting the slightest exasperation with always having to pick up and save the princess, never overwhelming. Speaking of overwhelming, the repetition of the word [but not OVERWHELMINGLY so. That was the thing about Mario- he was balanced. He never overdid it or OVERWHELMED her (emphasis mine)] was a little overwhelming in and of itself. XP
Okay, I'm of two minds about Mario's 'you're actually the hero, Peach' speech at the end. While the concept is cute, Mario seems, again, unrealistically eloquent. The monologue goes on for so long, it starts to feel like it must have been rehearsed. Considering the spontaneity of the rest of the piece, I'm not sure than epic speech really belongs there. I feel like most of the speech would have worked better in Mario's thoughts, and he could have voiced a little bit of it, less eloquently to Peach, and it would have been a little bit less cheesy. This [Without you, there wouldn't be me and the kingdom would suffer because of it] seems a little...arrogant. when did it become about Mario? Also, a tear runs down Peach's eye as she hears this. How does a tear run down someone's eye? Maybe you meant down her cheek, or from her eye? And this ["Thank you so much for being our hero."] is probably the cheesiest line of them all, but I like it a lot and wouldn't change it. I'll forgive this line, because it reminds me of what Mario says to the player whenever they've completed the final boss - "Thank you so much for playing my game" - and it made the nostalgic kid in me feel warm and fuzzy inside, so you know what, that line's a keeper.
But this - [he wrapped his arms around her chest.] ... :O
...Oh my? I'm almost certain you didn't mean it to come out like that, but maybe it would've sounded better if you'd just said he wrapped his arms around her and left it at that. Because...oh my. So on a different note, I wonder if Black Forest cake is chocolatey. Sounds like it. Mm, chocolate.
So hearing the Toads have regular names kind of threw me for a loop for a second there. Especially Edward, but that's no fault of yours. Twilight has unfortunately forever tainted that name. Anyway, I suppose of course they must have real names, although I imagine them all having some variation of "toad" because of Toadette and Toadsworth. It's more realistic this way though, and though it was a little weird, it wasn't really a flaw. You even gave the toad characters a little bit of personality, which was a lot of fun. I have to admit though, that when this line came up [Edward, Daniel, Paul and two other Toads], I was just like 'why don't the two Toad extras get names too?' They really got the short end of the stick there, didn't they? I think I understand why; you hadn't given the other Toads any personality traits and didn't want to just throw random names at us, but if you're going to give the others names, then calling those two Toads by their species only really sticks out.
So it ends with a small expansion on the 'they're both heroes' theme while the group cheers. And I've gotta say, it was a really cute story. Short, sweet, to the point, and never boring, this piece was a beautiful imagining of the Mario and Peach relationship, and while at times it edged a little too towards the idealistic end of the spectrum for my personal tastes, I can honestly say that I think this is one of the stronger oneshots I've read on this site, and I enjoyed reading it. Great work.
| x0xalexis8 chapter 1 . 12/23/2011
| Souldin chapter 1 . 10/7/2011
The first fanfic on this week's agenda is 'Piece of Cake', a MarioXPeach romance one-shot. I personally prefer BowserXPeach but I'm also rather fond of this pairing as well even though I'm not a fan of the hero saves princess and they fall in love routine (though I've always found that there's more to it than that with Mario and Peach).
Writing is refined and though the vocabulary isn't extravagant it's got range to it and its more simple nature fits with the simpler plotting and theme of the fanfic. To go along with the idea of this being a simple and quaint one-shot the romance remains sweet and doesn't become over dramatic. Similarly so the characterisations of Peach and Mario don't go overboard and I found myself liking both characters presentation. I've always found Mario to be rather bland and true if this fanfic were to explore deeply into the character's beliefs and actions in certain situations he would come across as that with his typical heroism however the deep focus is on Peach and the bond the two characters have which works out for the best. Furthermore Mario's heroic nature works better in a simple setting and scenario such as this one. Though I put forth the notion that this fanfic is simple in tone it does hold many intriguing thoughts with interesting opinions on characters motives and such but also leaves room for further interpretation from the reader.
Like with Mario's character this is a well balanced fanfic and most criticism would be mere nitpicking (such as using hero instead of heroine). Compared to some of your more recent work (and your deeper, more emotional entries) this one doesn't feel as engaging nor as memorable in regards to writing but still holds up as a well written piece with good qualities.
Overall you do have better stories but this one remains an example of good writing. It's quaint and charming, with sweet bits of romance and witty moments of comedy. Great job, keep up the good work!
| James Terrazen chapter 1 . 7/14/2011
Slow to start, but it touched my heart. Yet another masterpiece. Keep up the good work.
| TruetobeBlue chapter 1 . 6/29/2011
Very nice story, if a little more fluffy than what I usually read (and write).
I like the characterisation of Mario, he's the same humble and caring one we all know, but has a bit of a cocky attitude to balance things out. He knows he's good at what he does, but he never overwhelms people with that fact. A..."balance" to his personality, if you get what I mean.
Peach was great too, with you adding another dimension to her established personality: the sadness and regret of supposedly being such a burden to Mario.
You have created a great chemistry between the two, which is important for any romantic leads to have. Nice detail in environments and SM64 references are also nice. Keep up the good work!
| Preacherman1888 chapter 1 . 6/12/2011
Awwww! That was wonderful! Do keep writing! It was a fantastic read, don't ya know!
Take care, and God Bless!
| Razcoolzle chapter 1 . 6/12/2011
It's not everyday I find those rare few Mario oneshots that really touch my heart and this is certainly one of the best. The character portrayls were so endearing and being such a big fan of this couple, it was so great to see just how well you wrote about them.
I also liked the way you talked about Peach's love of cooking, how she wasn't just some stereotypical female 'bimbo' but it was her way of showing she cared about what Mario did for her. It was really sweet. When he called her the hero, it was so unexpected but made me realise that it was, in fact, very true. Mario is such a gentleman XD, never losing sight of what Peach means to him.
Their little conversation about the secret slide was very amusing, I can just imagine Peach whizzing down that thing. I've always wondered how much of a carpet burn it must create haha.
I remember playing Super Mario 64 and being frightened to death of that body of water on tiny huge island. I would swim as fast as I could before the big fish (I think it may have been a cheep cheep)ate me. Those were some good memories :D there aren't many stories on here set after Super Mario 64 which is a shame because I enjoyed that game so much.
I could go on forever but I'm a bit short of time at the moment but overall I would say that it was very obvious that you enjoyed writing this as I did reading it _. .
Very well written and very charming! 5/5!
Oh and you may know my friend Kattheamazing, she suggested you to me and for that I thank her :).
| Hopefaith2 chapter 1 . 6/8/2011
Oh my goodness. What can I say? This story was so adorable and romantic. I am a giant fan of MarioXPeach, and you did them so much justice. I really do love this oneshot. You're a really good author!
| Flowerstar chapter 1 . 6/7/2011
Yep, I totally agree with you all the way! :D Then again, I'm surprised that it took you that long to complete the game but I'm still stuck on the original. :( I could really use the help. As much as I love any other franchise as the next person, Super Mario 64 was the most memorable game I ever played and my first foray into the Mario series and video gaming. :D Mario and Peach are definitely made for each other and there is a song that sums up their relationship called, "Fight For This Love" by Cheryl Cole, 'cause Mario risks his life to save Peach time and time again from the evil clutches of Bowser, no matter how gruelling the journey is, how difficult the challenges can be, how tough the enemies are and how many obstacles he has to overcome.
Your writing style reminds me of mine and your oneshot is full of description, very romantic and how they feel for each other tug at my heartstrings. I'm just glad this story is appropriate for my eyes 'cause I'm usually not the kind of authoress to write stories that have swearing words in them, let alone read them. Lol, Mario fails mismerably at baking while Peach surpasses him in that department. XD I'd say the correct term would be "heroine" but I enjoyed your story very much, regardless of that. Let me guess the ending cutscene sort of inspired you? Nice reference to the Bob-omb Battlefield, though. :)