|Reviews for The Secret society of the hero of Kvatch|
| trninjakiller chapter 1 . 6/27/2013
well aparently i can never trust anything you say to be truth since you fucking lied about this story being continued after the first chapter so fuck you
| Zeus on the Loose chapter 1 . 8/28/2011
Nice. I've never played Elder Scroll, but this was cool.
Yeah. Niiicce. Thumbs up.
| David the Scottish werewolf chapter 1 . 6/13/2011
Hello everyone I will be unable to post for a while as I have exams to study for. I will update as soon as i have finished my exams
| BlabbingBlabber chapter 1 . 6/10/2011
Well, I'm gonna make this short and sweet. I've read way worse fanfics than this so I won't go too hard on ya. Likr everyone has mentioned, Leif's name is kind of abused. And you kinda need to check your grammar. Also, some of the sentences look like you smashed 2 or 3 together. Maybe you can work on that. It could honestly be a good story if you edit it.
| DualKatanas chapter 2 . 6/10/2011
Well, Arty has said much of what's needed to be said, but here's my bit:
Too many 'Leif's. FAR too many. There ARE alternatives; you could use 'the Nord', 'the warrior', etc. What you have now is word repetition in the extreme, yet it could be easily avoided. Right now, reading the same word over and over just gets parrot-like and bores me. That's not ideal. Same goes for the first three paragraphs; they all start with 'Leif'. NOT good, not by any stretch of the imagination.
The second paragraph is comprehensible. That's just about all it is. There are so many things to be explained in that paragraph that if it was split up and properly explained and described, it'd probably be longer than your entire fic so far. What does this entire scene look like? What exactly are the men doing? What exactly is going on? What does the dragon sound like? What does Leif feel like? We need to know all those things, yet all of those are missing.
No capitals where they're not needed, it looks amatuerish, or worse. And all of Tamriel does not shake when a single Nord roars. It simply doesn't, mainly because it's bloody big. And that egg of ice makes utterly no sense whatsoever. What the bloody hell is it doing there?
I'll echo Arty in saying that not only could they just stab him easily, but the villagers could also have stabbed the Dunmer. Besides, without fortification magic, a female Dunmer simply cannot carry a big male Nord that quickly. Even with fortification, it would be a massive struggle. Also, given that I'm assuming the villagers are surrounding them, a single shield would not block all the arrows; far from it. One more thing: if that purple horse is meant to resemble Shadowmere, then Shadowmere is more black than purple. Some more clarification would be needed on the colour; horses simply do not come in bright purple.
Like Arty says, it's readable. Barely. But right now I'm not sure if that's a good thing. Just about EVERYTHING needs work; description, punctuation, action, I haven't even SEEN any dialogue yet... get a thesaurus and use it. Get a proper beta, as well, and brush up on your proofreading skills. And your writing skills, for that matter.
There are times when you've aged, you look back on what you wrote years ago, and think: 'HOW did I write something THAT crap?' That happened to me, and it'll probably happen to you when you read this a few years down the line. My advice would be to delete this - seeing as it's staggeringly crap and needs so much work that it would require a full reconstruction - improve your writing skills, get a good beta, work hard, and then once you've improved, start writing this again. Good luck.
| Arty Thrip - Alpha 04 chapter 2 . 6/10/2011
OK... Well, I hate to say this to you, but this is NOT good either, and you also haven't changed your first chapter either.
First of all, in the first paragraph you've started almost every single sentence with the word 'Leif'; now, word repetition is difficult to avoid, yes, but on this kind of scale it's just inexcusable. I also think there's only about one sentence in the whole chapter that doesn't contain the word 'Leif'. We know what his name is, you don't need to repeat it over and over.
I see what you're trying to do in the second paragraph, but in truth it is NEVER going to work in just one paragraph. Ever.
His wound is gone? Why? Because he's a dragon now? You have to explain these things, not just expect the reader to guess.
You said something once about Shakespeare using a lot of commas; well, that might be true - and *I* might use a lot of commas too - but you've used a total of two for this whole chapter. You don't NEED to have so many full stops; it makes your paragraphs clunky and removes any illusion of flow that might have been in the story at all.
'Leif Snarled' - Here, as you probably know, the word 'snarled' does not need to be in capitals. Similarly here: 'Ice and snow' with the word 'ice' and here: 'the Egg of ice' with 'egg'.
Why are the villagers trying to kill him with bows? They could walk over and stab him, which is much more efficient in killing him.
A Dunmer is a lot smaller than a Nord. How the heck did she pick him up, carry him AND leap onto a horse? It's verging on impossible, even if she fortified all her skills. And WHY is she saving him? You said last chapter that few people believed his village to be real, and sure he's the last of the Dragonborn, but why? You HAVE to explain these things.
You NEED more descriptions and you NEED to work on your action, your punctuation. It's readable - just about - yes, but you need so much more than that to make it... Well, to make people WANT to read it. I would suggest getting a beta reader, or severely reconsidering your story as a whole. I'm sorry to have to put it so bluntly, but it's true.
I don't like to see anyone delete their story, but this one needs some massive improvements before it's acceptable. I will continue to review however, because I feel I might owe you more reviews, and because I'd like to help you improve :)
| Arty Thrip - Alpha 04 chapter 1 . 6/7/2011
Well... I'm a believer in reviewing my reviewers, so here I am...
As far as stories go... I'm not going to lie, I've seen better, much better. It's horribly short, and it mostly resembles a list rather than a story - though I think DK may have pointed this out before me...
Your summary needs work if you want people to read it, and you REALLY need to work on your description. Yes, it is a list; he has blond hair, he has blue eyes, he has a short temper, and? And what else? Writing a story takes a lot of thought and a lot of time. I would suggest reading some published books to check up on the authors' relative writing styles.
I would point out their names, but DK's already mentioned that... In fact, he's pointed out most everything I might say.
And if the next chapter is going to be his fight in the arena? I urge you to think very carefully before you rush into it. Action chapters are difficult to get right, and they NEED description, not just a list.
In your title, 'Hero' should be capitalised, as should 'Society'.
So no, it's NOT good, not by any stretch of the imagination. However, I am a firm believer in not giving up, so if you need any help just PM me.
And I WILL read anything else you post on this story, so no fear :)
| DualKatanas chapter 1 . 6/7/2011
Well, I don't normally read these '200 years after' fics or anything like that, but a review for a review is a good way to live. So, onwards.
Hmm... The first three sentences start with 'Leif'. Try to avoid staring consecutive sentences with the same word. Also, it reads like a list in which you're describing him. This is a story, not a shopping list, so introduce a bit of variety. Also: 'border the village of Frost Mount' There should be a full stop after 'border'. In that last sentence, you really don't have to write 'the village of Frost Mount' twice. A simple 'it' would suffice instead of the second use of that phrase.
Urk. There's a LOT of repetition of 'young Nords' and similar phrases in this next paragraph. It's starting to make me wince. And, yet again, it seems a bit list-ish, albeit not as much as the first three sentences of the fic. One final thing: They have to defeat the Lord of Frost Mount in single combat? Every single Nord must do that? If they do that, then, WHY is he the Lord if he's been beaten by every single man in the village? Unless most of these Nords fail their training...
Frost-Scale, a family name? And all these names staring with Frost... Nords don't have conventional second names. They have GIVEN names if they're notable in a particular area. Otherwise, they have NO second names. You can drop the 'also' from the last sentence of this paragraph because that's actually the reason why he'd never love them, it's not alongside another reason.
He took off his clothing? Care to be a bit more specific? Nords might be thick-skinned and good at resisting cold, but I doubt he wants to be running around naked in that arena.
About the chapter in general: it's too short. FAR too short. First chapters are often shorter than normal, and that's fine, but mine was at least 1600 words long. This is 400. There's barely anything here.
The description is lacking. We know Leif's height, hair colour, eye colour, and that he's got a short temper. What else? Nothing. What does he wear, what is his physical build like, what are other features of his personality, how does he talk to people, what does his face look like... all these things are good to know. And, in this case, they're sorely lacking.
The plot is non-existent right now, but that's understandable for a first chapter, I guess. Still, as it's original, I have no idea what happens, and it'd be good to get at least some idea of that in the summary.
Overall, to be brutally honest, this fic is crap. The first paragraph is a list, commas are missing all over the place, there's too little description, and words are repeated nearyl everywhere. To improve... well, go and read some good books. Try Robert Jordan or Anthony Riches. Read their works, try to see how they write, and apply that to your own writing. That's what I did. It might work.