|Reviews for Harry Potter and the Vampire King|
| Neko-fire demon tempest chapter 1 . 7/12
You need to work on your spacing for chapter two most people who see a chapter uploaded like this won't even bother trying to read it.
| Candy3314 chapter 1 . 8/2/2011
HAHAHAHA RonXLucius? Very good twist
| Meloremi chapter 1 . 6/9/2011
Just finished reading your intro chapter (Obviously right?).
Ok, well I personally think it's a good start. It is an interesting plot. You added a bit of a twist with Lucius and Ron being involved. However, I would like to point out a few things. Take them as pointers, this review is not meant to flame you or anything! On the contrary I hope it helps you set up your own style of writing and story telling. On that note, here we go! D
Very well, the first thing I noticed was the presentation of the chapter. I saw that in a previous review it was suggested that you separate your lines so your chapter doesn't look like a chunk of writing. I agree with this. It would look far more friendlier to your readers, as well as make it easier to read, if you separated your speaking parts from your descriptions. Especially if you are going from one speaker to another. Remember, you want to capture your audience and have them see the story you see in your mind. If you clump everything together it will be harder for them to keep up.
Next would be your switching of point of view. I noticed that you went from Lucius to the Vamp King and so on. To avoid confusion when you do this, I would recommend you use line breaks so readers don't go back and forth trying to figure where it is they are now. Are they in England? or with the Vamp King? Remember don't make it a chore, make it fun! D
Finally I would also suggest you slow it down a bit. Don't give us everything at one time. Feed it to us a little bit at a time. In just one chapter we got that Harry and Ron are mates to the Malfoy men, but how did this happen? when did it happen? did they just go with it? Were they shocked? You also mentioned Dumbledore being same as or worse than Vold. how was this discovered? What has he done?
Same with the Vamp king. Be careful of Own Characters, they can be tricky to work with because you are introducing them into an already existing world that your readers have a solid vision of. Ease them in so readers aren't immediately taken aback by them. OC's can't be too strong or too weak, they have to work with already existing heroes as well as the environment.
So really just slow it down a tad and read it aloud to your self. Make sure dialogue and characters sound real and non cliche. think of how you would have that conversation, what emotion would you use, what words, etc. Take their age into consideration is this a word this character would use, is this a word I would use etc.
Oh and your summary and author's notes would also work better if you bold and separate them from the story, line breaks would work great here.
Ok well umm that's you know something for you to think about. Again good plot, nothing wrong with, I'm not trying to you discourage you from writing. on the contrary, I've read many of the same plot on FF and a new set of ideas wont do anyone harm! Remember that fanfictions are stories that reflect ideas that individual people have to give characters they love new life. So have fun with it, don't make it a chore! D just think a bit and go!
Wish you the best of luck!
| Lonely Island Girl chapter 1 . 6/9/2011
I'm not trying to be mean or a homophobic, cause I'm neither, but everyone shouldn't be gay.
| FanofBellaandEdward chapter 1 . 6/9/2011
It's a very interesting story It certainly has the promise of being a great story if you decide to continue it
I would only give you one small advice (I hope you don't mind it, I certainly don't mean to flame you) but now you have one big block of text which makes it a bit difficult to read. I would suggest breaking it off in paragraphs, especially when they are talking. I have the habit of starting a new line every time somebody talks, so maybe you can do that too? That way there will be more space between the lines and that will easy the reading. But this is your story, so you decide how you do the lay out
I hope you don't mind me saying that - it was only a suggestion after all.
Anyway, this is really a great first chapter!