Reviews for Conscience and Law
W. Stock chapter 6 . 11/28/2013
I was very glad to see you had updated your story last July. I don't think this is bad as you say at all. It moves a bit too quickly and it is not quite as involving as it should be, though it is still fairly involving, the dialogue is good and the situation is very interesting. I think it is well done, overall. The ending in particular is perfect.
nightmaster000 chapter 6 . 7/17/2012
Looking forward to seeing where this goes.
Hatter and Hare Productions chapter 1 . 12/26/2011
Dear Heddwyn,


YOU HAD NOTHING NEGATIVE TO DO WITH MY CHOICE OF CHANGING WRITING DIRECTIONS! (BIG BREATH) All right, back to lower case. Anyway, no, your critical yet honest and caring reviews had nothing to do with my choice. Actually, they made it harder because I could tell you liked my story, and I have been battling with the decision for quite some time now. You have been one of my most loyal reviewers and editors of Vip and I treasure you so much for both reasons! Repeat, those reviews had nothing, NOTHING, to do with my decision!

Actually, if you feel up to it, my story that will be my magnum opus will need a dedicated editor of the highest order (hint, hint), and I will always be welcoming of you and your reviews!

Sorry about the caps, I would of never forgiven myself if I did not IMMEDIATELY respond!

Until the whole world hears,

The March Hare

P.S. What does PM stand for? (Scratches head with ear)
Hatter and Hare Productions chapter 6 . 12/26/2011
Dear Heddwyn,

First and foremost, you have no need to apologize. I admit that I am not the world's greatest writer, so there is no need to be sorry for being truthful about my flaws. If I cannot take honest criticism (something that seeks to improve me) in a world of honest evils (which seeks to bring me down) then I have better go away and live in solitude for the rest of my life, lest I be known as "March the Stupid Fool". I admit my recent update for Vip was a little too crude, and I plan on avoiding such things in the future.

It is not to say I do not want you to be considerate of what you say, because I am also pleased that you sought to be humble in your criticism, especially when some people use their superior knowledge and skill as an excuse to look down on others.

In the end, I am happy to call you my good reader, and am proud I brought you a good story. Other than that, I am greatly interested in your new ideas and hope to be reading them in the future, so please inform me if they come out and I will see if they any of them catch me twitchin‘ eye.

Fair thee well, noble sir, fair thee well!

Until the whole world hears,

The March Hare

P.S. There is a little update for Vip waiting for you. If you put your ear to the monitor, you will hear it sing… numa, numa, numa…
Agent of Teal chapter 6 . 12/23/2011
Don't worry my dear, there's no rush to read them just take your time. Good luck with your fic!

Ditzy X
Kuann chapter 5 . 11/6/2011
Well, I finally got around to reviewing, sorry about the delay. Due to the situation of the chapter, I find that this scene is much cleaner and more focused on what's going on. Your punctuation could be used to indicate tone more clearly, as I felt rather nebulous emotion in many of the characters' lines, especially Hook's.

That aside, your writing style shines here because the reader isn't forced to keep track of what 10-20 characters are doing. I notice that the style can seem a bit mechanical, but you also had some star moments. I especially liked the reversal of Jiminy's aspect of "Let your conscience be your guide" by Vitani; it really made your theme stand out. In this case, the theme is the strongest part of your story, and you do well to showcase it as best you can.

All in all, very nice work here in that you focus on the actions of the important characters, and not the side-cast. I look forward to seeing how you do dedicated action, and I hope to see more soon!
Hatter and Hare Productions chapter 5 . 10/29/2011
Dear Heddwyn,


Once again, you have heightened the tension, pulling us further along in the quest to find the difference between what is right and what is wrong. Once again, you have showed the confliction between the supposedly good heroes and the "evil" villains like Vitani. Once again, you have made Jiminy Cricket's life Hell, trying to make sense of a world seemingly stuck in black and white, but is really many shades to those who think about what is actually wrong or right. Once again, I am saying once again, so it is time to close this review and just say "HELL YEAH, KEEP ON WRITING!".


The March Hare.

P.S. The next chapter of Vip is up...once again.
W. Stock chapter 5 . 10/15/2011
Thank you so much for reposting this. It definitely is not perfect, but I don't think it's as atrocious as you say. This is definitely the chapter where it all begins, and I am pleased to see that the foreshadowing did build up to something.

And the opening song's sentiment is very clear here. Vitani is attempting to follow her conscience by helping Captain Hook capture Peter Pan, but the law of Disney will not let her and Captain Hook succeed, as Peter Pan has been officially branded a good guy. It is tragic how Jiminy Cricket's advice of "Always let your conscience be your guide" horribly backfired, and I can now see why he is so cynical in his opening lines.

I think it's interesting how you're exploring Vitani. NobodieZ is really looking at the situation in an overly black-and-white manner. It's clear Vitani is trying to follow her conscience and do what she thinks is right. It's just that it won't work out because Peter has been officially made a good guy, and thus anyone who attempts to do anything bad to him is automatically a bad guy who must fail.

Also, it's funny seeing Vitani dealing with Captain Hook's idiocy. He just expects to win doing the same thing he always does.

But as you said, there were several flaws.

When they do change the plan, it's done very hurriedly and haphazardly. It's unclear why Vitani even expects them to succeed when the only plan they've come up with is for them to all go out into Neverland and try to capture Peter, despite the fact that Peter can fly! You'd think, if Vitani is really so fed up with Peter she's willing to have him captured with Hook, you'd think she'd at least try to come up with a foolproof plan on how to do it. It doesn't seem as if she even cared enough to ask what the plan was before she got on the ship!

And, of course, you'd think Jiminy Cricket would object more to Vitani planning to assist Captain Hook in capturing Peter Pan.

And I don't think you should include Peter killing people in the book series as canon. I've never read the book, only watched the movie (on an unrelated note, my aunt and grandmother, who are still alive, saw Peter Pan in the theater when it first came out with their babysitter), but many Disney movies are radically different from the books they are based on.

But, to be honest, I actually think the only big, major flaw is that the plan to catch Peter Pan wasn't thought out better. Without a well thought-out plan, everything seems to happen very abruptly, which it does, but if they had a good plan, then at least it would be believable.

So I agree that this chapter probably could use some more editing, but it is not without its virtues. It marks a new point in the story where the action begins to happen, and I assume that the rest of the chapters will be epic battles in the Disney universe, so that'll be interesting, but I just hope you keep pursuing Vitani's character, and the conscience vs. law message, but they are what givea this story depth.

P.S. I forgot to ask this question for the last chapter: What did the Great Prince mean when he said associating with Vitani could lead to his "second demise"? Is this a reference to the book, where Pinocchio kills the Cricket by tossing a hammer at him?
sam fraser chapter 4 . 10/13/2011
Hi guys and girls! I guess one day being late is better than a few months. XD Anyway, I'd like to address a few things to my fellow reviewers:

Hatter and Hare Productions: Thank you for your review, and I operate at PST.

Kuann: I thought putting some justifications as to why all those characters were classified together would justify my putting them all there. I guess not. Oh well.

William Stock: I agree with some things you've said, and I disagree with others.

Also, I think the stating of the bad guy/good guy rule was poorly done.

Looking back at it, I agree. I'll have to fix that.

On a lesser note, why would Geppetto and Jiminy Cricket let Pinocchio hang out with Lampwick?

I don't consider Lampwick to be a bad influence as much as I do a badly-influenced friend. I do agree that it was a weird move on my part, and may well be one that I change.

I think it was very ridiculous for Jiminy to go and talk to her,

It may very well be, but I'm not changing that.

I cannot see Jiminy wanting to talk to that person, and likely wanting to merely observe her from a distance. This also fits with his personality in the first chapter when he pointedly ignores all the villains' entrances into the House of Mouse.

You may find them to be fascinating, and I shall admit that so do I to an extent, but I don't think they really stand out that much amongst all the villains.

I flat out disagree. Nuka may not, but Vitani definitely does. And Vitani is my 2nd favorite Disney character, but I don't have everyone fascinated just to be fascinated; that would be Mary-Sueish.

Vitani looks terrifying as she is evil, and yet such a young cub.

Exactly. I don't think that any of the good characters could imagine evil existing in such a young thing, and having her with villains might unsettle, even scare them. I don't think they'd want to see her grow into a full-fledged killer like her father or mother, and that's where my fascinations with the characters originates from.

But I may be wrong; I'll find out later.

By the way. I'm terrified to post it back up because I consider it a failure. It had a Mary Sue, the plot meandered, and I felt I put in too much forced suspense. That's why 101 Dalmatians: The hidden Dalmatian isn't back up.

Now back to business: I have two dedications; I was going to have one, but this is important.

The first is to "The Sergeant's Wedding" by Gabriel-San, the first story I ever reviewed. I still think it to be a great piece, and I was very foolish to try to try to critique it at such a young age. X)

Note: If you plan to read it, it does contain segments of homosexuality.

My second one is to the March Hare of Hatter and Hare Productions, for unintentionally giving me a breakthrough in my story that WILL come later (and that will explain quite a bit). Thank you, and I hope to read much more of VIP (and something from the Hatter :).


Chapter 5: Your Advice!

When I came to, everything was dim.

A candle burned just brightly enough for me to get a good look at my surroundings. I was in a room that was barely big enough for a human, resting on a hammock rocking back and forth on its own. There were a few things scattered here and there, all of which was well-organized despite their apparent antiquity. That didn't take away the factor of how it smelled, though; a dozen empty bottles reeking of alcohol, an old filth-covered washrag, and what reeked—and felt—like years of sweat on the hammock made me a bit dizzy. The rocking of the room didn't help much.

Wait, I thought to myself. A moving room?

There was a round window to my right, and I could see that stars were already out, and the sky was midnight black. Then I saw the stars moving, like they were passing us by. Oh no, I groaned inwardly. "I can't be seeing things now, can I? Where am I anyways?" More out of panic than out of curiosity, I climbed to the edge of the hammock and was getting ready to reach for the window when . . .

"Don't go out there!"

I froze where I was (in midair) and missed the window by a good inch. I recovered my senses just quickly enough to open my umbrella up, settling me to a safe landing. There, across the room, separated by the hammock, was Vitani.

And although she didn't have the same calm demeanor as she had the first night, she didn't seem at all disturbed by a rocking room and sliding stars!

"Where are we?"

She took a deep breath, and let out a long sigh. "We're on Captain Hook's ship."

I gasped, and fell as the room—and subsequently the ship—dipped. "Hook's ship? You mean the Captain James Hook? How did this happen?"

She tried talking to me for a bit, but I was too frantic to comprehend anything. Luckily, she waited for me to wear out, and then she began again. "When you fainted, you didn't fall from the fat man's hat, and your relationship with Hook was . . . not the best, if I recall, so I didn't call you out. You actually fell in his dinner, and you somehow went unnoticed by everybody, so when the cook was cleaning those dishes, I managed to snag you and carry you away and to here. That was a few hours ago, though."

At this point I had regained a little bit of my senses. I began to regain a bit f my composure and breath. "And you couldn't find anywhere better to take me?"

She shook her head, and broke eye contact with me for the first time. "I-I thought this would be the safest place for you. These rooms aren't being occupied by Hook's crew; they're all getting ready for the attack."

I froze. "What attack?"

She chuckled carelessly-yet-maliciously. "The attack on Peter Pan and his 'Lost Boys'."

My heart began to beat faster, and I began to breathe harder. "That attack?" I asked in a frantic tone. "B-b-but you can't kill him! He's-"

"I don't mean to kill him," she interjected. I breathe a sigh of relief before she continued with, "I won't decide that."

The panic almost came back, and another violent dip from the room nearly made me vomit. "What?"

"That's Hook's decision. I'm merely here to help capture him."

At this point I could take no more. An almost vertical rise and the possibility of Peter Pan dying forced me to puke right there in front of her. When I finished, she had left the room.

"Hey, wait a minute!" I yelled, hopping after her. She hadn't gone far; just outside the door, probably to wait for me to finish. "You can't do this?"

"Why not?" She sounded cross, and I stepped back.

"Because it's not the right thing to do." I was sure of one of two instances occurring at that moment: either Vitani would stop to think of her actions, or she would plunge headfirst into villainy, accepting her fate as an evil entity.

I'd suggest reposting that chapter before I claim it as my own.
W. Stock chapter 4 . 10/11/2011
It was nice to get a new chapter after all this time.

It's true that not much happens in this chapter until the end, but I disagree with Kuann's statement that the characters' opinions on what is going on in the story, such as Mr. Stork's neutrality, should be left out, as they are not essential to the story. I reject Kuann's notion that everything in a story must relate to the plot. I find the Law of Conservation of Detail and Chekhov's Gun to be pointless lessons taught to literature students which need not be mindlessly conformed to. I think it's interesting to know which characters are against Jiminy and which aren't.

But the dispute between the Colonel and Bagheera did begin rather suddenly, I must admit. It probably could have been left out, which is why it's good this is a draft chapter, but it was entertaining to read.

The end of the story is excellent. Finally, the story has started to get to the place it's been building up to for so long. I thought it was very well written, and it becomes very intriguing at the end with the final sentence.

Also, I thought the beginning of the story was very funny, as was Kuzco's statement of wanting to keep "the good things good and the bad things away from me". I think you wrote Kuzco very well there. It sounds like something he really would say.
W. Stock chapter 3 . 10/9/2011
This chapter is very simple, yet interesting and very funny.

I see Kuann's point on not telling what every character is doing, but I still disagree with it, because I enjoyed hearing what all the characters were doing very much, and some of this chapter's best humor came from it, such as Georges and Mama Odie talking to each other. However, Bagheera does not have a kingdom.

I agree with Kuann's points on the House of Mouse, though. It seems as if the events in the Disney movies did happen to these characters since Jiminy Cricket is the conscience of Pinocchio, and yet it gets confusing, as several characters who died in the Disney movies turn up here. It's especially confusing when Mufasa calls Vitani "the daughter of a murderer", even though he would have to be dead in order for Scar to be a murderer.

In general, I enjoyed this chapter. I thought it was very funny. I particularly enjoyed the Archdeacon pointing his finger at and telling off Mufasa (this is just funny for me to picture), and Powhatan saying, "You're guided by either good or bad spirits, and her spirits are raising a child of evil warfare!".

The foreshadowing is getting rather repetitive and annoying, however.

P.S. Thank you for that compliment to my depiction of Mama Odie, but to be honest, I wouldn't say mine is perfect, so all I'll say is I would have written her differently than the way she was by you in this chapter.

Yes, it seems like you want this to be a dramatic, action-filled story, and yet it's having a hard time becoming that. But you can't have everything happen right away, and these chapters didn't really call for it, as you said. And it is only the third chapter, after all.

i I think you're right.

ii Well, I don't know much about this, but I suppose "all right" should be used.

iii, iv and vi good ways of naming them.

v imdb calls him "The First Ancestor".

vi Yes, I enjoyed that part. However, Mama Odie was actually 197 in The Princess and the Frog. She says in the film, "Not bad for a 197-year-old blind lady!" This would mean she was born in 1729 or 1728, though, and New England had already been founded by this time. Also, the Civil War did take place from 1861 to 1865. It's true that Wikipedia can be edited by anyone, but they take precautions against this. People sign up simply to watch the pages and everything must be cited and a page as important as the Civil War is locked so that each entry must be approved. In fact, I've seen on talk pages that there's a big dispute over calling a battle in the Civil War "a decisive battle", and in the end, it was decided not to, so I think Wikipedia can be trusted to get a detail such as the dates right. You do have right not to trust the year given for the Princess and the Frog. This is listed in the plot summary, and plot summaries are not typically watched, cited or approved by anyone, since it is meant to simply be a description of the events in the film. And besides that, the only evidence that The Princess and the Frog takes place in 1926 is by a newspaper featuring several headlines from 1926, which have to be enlarged in order to be readable. The date Wikipedia gives as 1926 is correct, but only because I edited it.
W. Stock chapter 2 . 10/8/2011
Here is the second chapter, and yet I am still not entirely sure where the story is going, although there is a great deal to foreshadowing to some terrible conflict which I assume will happen later.

I can tell now that you are very fascinated/interested in Vitani.

I think it was very ridiculous for Jiminy to go and talk to her, though, because he had nothing to say to her, and why would he want to talk to her, even if he was fascinated by her? In "My Lullaby", Vitani looks terrifying as she is evil, and yet such a young cub.

I cannot see Jiminy wanting to talk to that person, and likely wanting to merely observe her from a distance. This also fits with his personality in the first chapter when he pointedly ignores all the villains' entrances into the House of Mouse.

On a lesser note, why would Geppetto and Jiminy Cricket let Pinocchio hang out with Lampwick?

I thought that some parts were very funny, though, such as the part where John Smith is glaring at the snuggling Pocahontas and John Rolfe, and the Georges Hartcourt insult.

Also, I think the stating of the bad guy/good guy rule was poorly done. I mean, would Mickey really openly admit that? Besides, it fits well with Captain Hook and Peter Pan, but in other Disney movies, it's not true. For example, Ratigan definitely hurts Basil's feelings, to the point that he is so ashamed of himself he's willing to die in Ratigan's trap, and Ratigan beats Basil several times during their fight on Big Ben.

I'm not sure what the point of Captain Hook's fight with Peter Pan was, but it was okay.

The part where Jiminy states that "He just wanted you to join his force against Hook" and "This is a game they—or I should say he—plays" confused me because it's unclear who he's referring to in both cases.

I tried to enjoy this chapter and I am sorry to be negative, but the criticisms I found were so large I could not enjoy the chapter. But the foreshadowing makes it seem like this story will become very interesting, so I'll look forward to that.

P.S. I'm confused. You say on your profile that 101 Dalmatians: The Hidden Dalmatian is still on your computer, and yet you express so much regret over taking it down in the author's note. Who don't you simply re-upload it?
W. Stock chapter 1 . 10/7/2011
I was happy to see that you had written a new story when this first came to the site, although I was disappointed that you had not re-uploaded your first two.

The plot summary makes this story sound very interesting, and I hope it lives up to that summary. It's true that the story seems fairly bland so far, but as you said, it is mainly an introduction and it's true that first chapters are often not as interesting as the rest of the story, since it is mainly set-up for the action to come later. And it does that job very well.

I thought the opening song was depressing, but perhaps realistic. I only wonder what situation it will be applied to

in this story.

The description is excellent, and I could picture most of it well.

The characterization is also done well.

In fact, my only real criticism is how all the House of Mouse patrons stare at Nuka and Vitani. You may find them to be fascinating, and I shall admit that so do I to an extent, but I don't think they really stand out that much amongst all the villains.

But it sets up the rest of the story well, and I am interested to see where this story goes.
Hatter and Hare Productions chapter 4 . 10/1/2011
Dear Heddwyn McCloud,

Good morning/afternoon/evening/whatever time it is in where ever you are! I must shout (GLEEFULLY!) that I love this story! I think your characterization of the characters, and the plot you have going, are both well done and beautiful! I like your choice of main characters, Jiminy (who I think is overdue for a vacation by now) and Vitani (a very interesting minor character)are both wonderful and begging for more story (I know I am)! Keep it up, ol' boy! Keep it up!

However, I am sorry I had not reviewed your story sooner! It is to my shame (and to my fried funky chicken dance) that I had not! Please forgive me for being the jackass (especially after all those times you had reviewed and critiqued my story)! I eagerly await for the next chapter!

Loving all (to the best of my abilities) until the whole world hears,

The March Hare

P.S. Do not feel bad for not getting to my story sooner. I'm just happy to have such wonderful reviewers!
Kuann chapter 4 . 9/30/2011
I may not have updated my own stories in a great long while, but I'm still watching ;) It's nice to see that you're still out and about on the writing sphere. With that, I'll launch right into what I think about this little piece.

Looking back at the last chapter, I think your style has come a very long way. You don't have any punctuation or capitalization errors that I caught; you make a couple of grammatical mistakes, but as this is not going to become published work, they're not significant enough to affect the chapter negatively. I've also been brushing up on my Disney movies lately, so only a few characters were lost on me.

This leads me to my next point: the story still suffers from some detail confusion. At least, it suffers from an inappropriate assigning of detail. You spent quite some time describing the state of the characters and their opinions on what's going on in the story, even characters that are not there. I'm sure that some or even most of those characters you mention (Mufasa, Kashekim, Mr. Stork, Powhatan and Zeus to name a few) will be important, but I doubt that all of them will. As a writer of fiction, fan-based or no, it is of the utmost importance that your plots ignore all that which is relatively ineffective in terms of the storyline. So unless Mr. Stork's neutrality affects the story in a meaningful way, it isn't worth putting out there. If you want an example of how such things directly affect your writing, I'll give you one that applies to me personally. Even though this is the section for Disney fanfiction, the Disney universe is sprawling with various characters and places and stories. It is unrealistic to expect that all your readers will know each character by name alone; it's important, therefore, to give a little subtly-laid explanation for why each character is where he is relative to the story. Because you use this space to describe what all the peripheral characters are doing, however, this background gets lost.

On a more positive note, I like that you are laying down some action scenes at last. This story seems like it is building up to something big - it's very exciting. If I were to read the summary of this story, I'd hop right on board. The higher levels of plot are working well for you. Unfortunately, the nitty-gritty of sentences and paragraphs is not so polished right now. What needs to happen now is for you to focus on the lower levels: the scenes, the paragraphs, and the sentences. A good writer can make his/her novel great in synopsis; a great writer can make the story shine down to the individual sentence. You're not there yet, but neither am I and neither are 99.9% of people on this site.

I must say, watching and reviewing this story is interesting for me in the extreme. Similarly to a book I read recently, I'm seeing you improve slightly with each chapter. It's not so much the story that's engaging me as the fact that I'm watching your craft slowly but steadily improve. It's an inspiring experience and something that I hope you'll continue to bring me along in with future publications. You're making progress; that's what's important. Keep up the good work :)

23 | Page 1 2 Next »