|Reviews for Continuance|
| Theralion chapter 29 . 9/6
After taking a second look at this and finally reading through to the latest chapter, I'll share my thoughts.
It's nice that Yukiko's parents aren't *completely* against her seeing Souji, but their being "on the fence" (which seems to be a bit of an optimistic description as far as Yukiko's father goes) does seem more than a little at odds with their being excited at the possibility of Yukiko having a boyfriend, or refusing her help on Christmas Eve 2011 if you date her. True, they do know about all the unsavory types who were attracted to her, but it should be clear that Yukiko, after rejecting so many to become a bit of a legend in Inaba, has at least enough standards to ward off the worst of the lot.
Similar to what one other reviewer noted, I find it hard to swallow that Souji knows this much about business at such a young age. Naoto, one of the few with as much knowledge in her area of specialization, has been working toward her goal since she was a young child- by comparison, Rise's success as an idol seems to be a matter of talent, and Yukiko doesn't show her skills all that much in the game, apart from her trouble with cooking.
I can see that you're working to show Souji's parents as more sympathetic and rounded characters than they initially seemed. Unfortunately, similar to what a few reviewers have said, it doesn't necessarily make them all that likable at this juncture- the phrase "a day late and a dollar short" comes to mind for Izumi, who takes less initiative to change herself than most Social Links do. By comparison, Yuuma gets less likeable with each chapter, particularly the implied manipulation and blackmail of Souji as far as university goes, and it's somewhat problematic that the largest portion of the drama is the result of his actions, now or in the past.
Speaking of post-high school plans, it's interesting that Chie would have difficulty joining the police force. Of course, it's also a bit depressing, considering that she's been trying harder in school ever since defeating Ameno-sagiri.
On the other hand, Rise felt as though she was shoehorned into the Kofu side of the plot, particularly with the various misunderstandings considering Yu and her, to say nothing of her various traumas being caused by Yu herself, as if to sink that ship once and for all. It always seemed to me as though Inoue never believed Rise's lie about being engaged, but went along with it out of regard for her feelings, given that he never brings it up again, and is back with a more indirect approach before long.
Yu might get confessions, but most of the ones he gets are from girls he's already befriended, and unlike Yukiko, Naoto or Risette, I suspect he wouldn't have as much appeal among random strangers.
I liked the scene with Margaret at Christmas (although as far as I know, school should still be in session when Souji comes down), and how Souji is able to conclude that, even after everything that happened, he still believes that the Velvet Room contract he signed was "worth it." Still, I find Yu not ending up with any scars from his battles as a result of the various medicines and curative magics to be less of a suspension of disbelief than him going through life, covering up those scars despite wearing short sleeve shirts several months of the year, and the doctor he saw in early October not noticing any strange injuries.
It's nice to see you incorporating some "beta couples," like Kanji and Naoto, but it might have been better to introduce them earlier (I'm aware that we're still at most halfway through the fic) and develop them more gradually, as a B-plot of sorts.
The narration does a bit too much of the exposition, and characterization is often told, rather than shown, particularly the long story about Mizushima's career as an MMA fighter, which perhaps explains why he became the man he is today, but seems completely irrelevant to the larger story. A fair amount of characters' backstory can't be shown directly, but if you have to tell it, one alternative can be to have it come from the mouths of the characters themselves, so that by telling their story, they can share a little of their own perspective about those events. That example also has another problem- namely, being in the middle of one of Souji's lines of dialogue. To quote How Not To Write A Novel,
"Speech tags are one of the places where long tracts of explanation do not go. Most speech tags should consist of two words: “[NAME]” and “said.” Not “The burly [NAME] said.” Not “The tall, many-freckled [NAME], who had been rendered timid and anhedonic by her relentlessly critical mother, said.”"
Mittelmark, Howard; Newman, Sandra (2009-03-17). How Not to Write a Novel (p. 134). HarperCollins. Kindle Edition.
That said, the description in this fic is quite well-written, particularly of character emotions (even if you're still pushing the traumas a bit much), and the settings. With that in mind, I suppose that the only steps you need to take to improve your writing are to find a better balance between text and dialogue (how much of each there is in total and at a time), improve the dialogue, and let the characters tell the story a bit more.
It seems unprofessional, at least by Japanese standards, for Izumi to call her secretary by her first name and "-chan," if, on her secretary's end, she calls her boss "ma'am." As far as I know, most bosses tend to call their female subordinates by their last name and "-san" or perhaps "-kun," if they even bother with honorifics.
I might not know much about Japanese high school graduation ceremonies, but the ones I've seen(e.g. Azumanga Daioh and Persona 3's endings) seem to have the students wear their uniforms one last time rather than kimonos and suits.
On a minor note, it's actually possible for Teddie to meet Ai in one of her "hang out" events (the one where she goes to Junes), and if you talk to your party members when you're not trying to rescue/capture someone, they may mention other school Social Links in passing. As such, Teddie would likely know who she is by now.
If 20 chapters and (by my rough calculations) more than 200,000 words in is only the beginning, this sounds like quite an ambitious story. The pacing's a bit odd, though, as three (admittedly fairly long) chapters after the end of the Christmas arc, you're already up to graduation (I know something like this happened in Persona 4, but I honestly liked Golden enabling you to go from Christmas to Valentine's day, save for one stretch in early January in which Yu is sick).
So this is my take on it. The writing does seem fairly promising from a technical standpoint, and the story incorporates some interesting subplots, but the fic often suffers from an overdose of angst, is overly reliant on telling rather than showing and has characters who mainly serve to introduce conflict even when it may not make sense to do so. Despite the flaws, I'm interested in seeing the next installment when you plan on publishing it.
| Dark-Syaoran chapter 14 . 8/22
...you know, this is the best Souji/Rise story I've been able to find and it isn't even Souji/Rise. How depressing is that?
| Theralion chapter 5 . 6/25
To begin with, I heard about this fic because it's similar to one that I'm writing now- one that explores the year after Yu's (I'll refer to him as Yu unless talking about your Souji character) departure from Inaba. As such, please take what I say with a grain of salt, since I can't help but compare what you did with your story to what I did with mine.
First, the writing in general seems somewhat dry and occasionally overly focused on exposition, such as Chapter 1 and Souji's mother's introduction in Chapter 2. Even where there's dialogue, it often seems a bit stiff and formal, and while it does make sense in some settings (e.g. Souji's interactions with his parents and business partners), it's a bit too prevalent for my liking. In a cast as rich and varied as Persona's cast, you need to pay attention to the voices each person uses, and at times, I often found it hard to imagine their canon selves saying what their incarnations in this fic did the way they did.
The story seems to be a bit dark in how it deals with the lingering effects of the battles with the Shadows, particularly the scars Yu has accumulated from his various foes. It's realistic, but it's also a bit jarring considering that those issues were never really addressed in canon, so it vaguely feels as though the problem's arisen out of the ether. To a lesser degree, Yu's life back home seems a bit too lonely and depressing at first- my interpretation is that he had a few friends, but wasn't particularly close to them, and having made so many close friends during his time in Inaba, he hopes to forge a deeper connection with the ones he used to have.
Similarly, I find the interpretation of Souji's parents to be a bit too harsh, even considering Dojima's account that his sister wasn't always like that*. It seems like an overly easy way to introduce conflict in the story by having the parents be the antagonists, especially when they pop up to oppose romantic relationships, and this approach seems to make them more plot devices than actual characters.
*Incidentally, I got the impression that Dojima and his sister weren't all that close, given their contrasting personalities and the fact that Dojima hasn't seen his nephew since he was an infant.
By comparison, my interpretation of the Narukamis has them as relatively warm, if quite hands-off regarding Yu because of their work, and not all that strict regarding education (Dojima notes that they didn't ask him to raise Yu's grades). Yu has come to understand their perspective somewhat, even if he has no desire to follow in their footsteps, and for their part, Yu's mother regrets having to leave him with Dojima for a year.
Another problem thus far is Yukiko. At this point in the story, there's relatively little focus on her, or how their relationship is doing now that they've been separated for weeks. Since this story is a Yu/Yukiko fic, she should be there early and often, since getting readers invested in their relationship and its development is Job #1 for you, so if your effort on that regard gets off to a slow start, it really doesn't do much to draw in readers. First impressions aren't everything, but they make a great deal of difference in whether a prospective reader continues reading or hits the back button and looks for another fic.
I admit that I've only read up to Chapter 5, but that's the problem- I have no desire to read any farther than that, since I have relatively little confidence that things will improve, and I'm somewhat averse to reading fics that are both very long and incomplete (particularly when they're unlikely to be resumed, let alone finished, any time soon).
So all this is my take on it. I apologize if it comes off as highly negative and less than useful, but you could see it as a cautionary tale, and a look into the minds of why some reviewers might give up after a few chapters- one that you might not otherwise hear, since most won't even bother to write anything about it.
| Shinigami Miroku chapter 14 . 6/5
Normally I don't put down reviews until I'm caught up with a story, but among all the things I want to commend you on, Rise's reaction to Trumpeter is the best yet. Being one of the first seven announcers of God's wrath against the rebellious human race in the End of Days, the seven years leading up to the battle in the Valley of Megiddo (known to English-speakers as Armageddon), even though they are just the first set of judgments, would and will freak anyone out. Of course, I disagree with their depiction of Trumpeter as a skeletal being, but I chalk that up to an ignorant company that mocks all things supernatural (as much as I enjoy Persona, the fact of the matter is that no human can ever have the power, even power from their mind, to match even the lowliest of demons). The sheer horror that Rise experienced and still experiences as she struggles to cope with that is very well-detailed and well-explained, and it makes sense that she especially would have a hard time dealing with that.
| kungfootitan chapter 29 . 3/9
A great chapter as always, this one with great pacing as well, and a very good take between Souji and his mother.
A job well done.
I look forward to more from both series. You have my full support.
| shadowrallen chapter 29 . 2/21
I got serious "Shadow Souji" vibes from both the interactions with His parents and his interaction with Yukiko regarding his parents. Excellent work.
| Thunderbird013 chapter 29 . 1/28
Nooooooo! I've been reading this story so much and I'm so sad to finally have to stop! I wanted to hold all of my reviews until I finish to if I repeat something someone already said, sorry. The first thing I should say is that all of the characters are written excellently. One problem I have with even some of the cannon games is that one or two personality traits per character are picked, and that's it. You're able to take all of the traits, and make the characters your own, helping them develope as the story progresses. The dynamic with Souji's parents is great too. It's very well executed and even draws many parallels with my own life, so I can connect really easily. The scenes are handled perfectly, especially the sex scenes. They have just enough balance between detail and dialogue, one of my biggest nitpicks in fanfics. I just wanted to say keep up the good work and PLEASE get the next chapter up soon!
| EmD23 chapter 29 . 12/19/2015
Hmmm...wonder how close Yu's parents are from a permanent slip.
Heh, whenever I see that Dojima's wife is Chisato it reminds me of that Persona 1 couple (Yosuke and Chisato) which makes me laugh.
As for the Rise question, I think they just have personalities that get along well. Even from the start they had an easy rapport that carried over in Dancing All Night and Arena.
Plus Yosuke and Rise's sideplot in Persona Q is really interesting and heartwarming. He felt so bad about making her cry, and she was so worried about him haha
| The13thHero chapter 29 . 12/18/2015
Really loved this fic. It's good that these two are back together again and I hope to see more interactions with them. This gives me ideas/pointers on what to do with my souyuki fic if I ever do a sequel story that takes place after the main events of P4G. Though of course, I won't rip off your ideas! I wanna at least try and original. :P
I do wanna talk about their sexual encounter, but I misread something and thought they were going to do something different during that time.(I'd rather say in a PM I'm sending to you) It's quite embarrassing. XD
What surprised me was these two dealing with Yukiko's mom. I honestly didn't expect it so soon(I was predicting it when Mrs. Seta arrived at the Dojima household). Yukiko handled herself well, though I'm not sure if she could do the same around Mr. Seta(Hope I'm wrong) given his less... "flexible" personality. Regardless, I really loved this chapter! I actually spent a lot of my free time in college reading these on my new phone, so it was to catch up and read what I can at a time since I can't read chapters like this in one sitting. Always out and about doing different things. D: That's also why I've not reviewed in quite some time.
I do have some questions actually. I'm pretty sure you've talked about it already, but are there any plans for the Personas to have a role? Like, actually have a fight scene or two? Not wanting it, but just curious on whether or not they will make an appearance. Are we going to see Kou and Chie's struggles in their relationship? Kanji and Naoto have had their fight(I think), and Souji and Yukiko recently had theirs, so it makes me wonder is all. And this one is not a question; more-so hopeful thinking. I would love to see Rise get with Yosuke. Usually people get with Chie with Yosuke(I'm guilty as charged with my own fic) and Kanji with Naoto, though I personally like to see some differences from the status quo. I multiship some of the surrounding cast with Rise either with Yosuke or Kanji(Kannao fans are gonna kill me D:) as an example, and it's currently where the struggle of me getting which girl with Kanji(Between Naoto and Rise). Seeing someone like you maybe do something so uncommon makes me feel a bit less worried about upsetting fans. But again, it's your call. I do like the dynamics of Rise and Yosuke's current friendship in this story, so it'd be interesting and wonderful to see it get taken up a notch.
Anyway, yeah! I really love this story still and I can't wait for the next chapter!
| Firion316 chapter 29 . 12/17/2015
I honestly didn't know how I was going to feel about this chapter; so many plot threads coming together at once. Souji's impending meeting with his mother, his deepening relationship with Yukiko, his new job. And yet, thus far, he remains in character and true to the personality and goals he's set for himself (as defined in this story). On a side note, when you mentioned in the previous chapter that Yukiko was invited for "drinks" with Mei, I was expecting a Club Escapade-esque scene all over again. As you said, Souji never talked about what happened that night, and nobody else seemed to want to discuss details either when she asked..
(I found it funny that he was told several times not to disappoint his girl at the start of the chapter, and yet he's already gotten several "warnings" from Yukiko that he's not giving her enough attention, either by being careless (no phone call? Seriously?), or thinking about other things while with her.)
I wasn't sure how the meeting with Izumi was going to end. She seems to be giving change a real chance, and if we take her at her word, she is working hard to make that promise a reality (at least for now). I'm just worried that she might fall back into old habits, like Chisato worried she would do with her son. But now that both sides have sat down and talked, without Souji either being evasive or brushing her off as a lost cause, we finally got to hear her side of the story. If we believe her, Souji is just as responsible for the rift between them as she was (she thought he wanted space, so she gave it to him; he took this as a form of parental abandonment, and isolated himself further). Either way, the manner in which they talk indicate many old wounds below the surface, ones which can only be healed by time and mutual understanding. I hope that the two of them can reach that point (possibly with Nanako, Yukiko and/or Dojima to help), but we'll have to see where you take the story from here.
And now comes the crux of the matter: Izumi knows the truth about Souji and Yukiko, including her full name, position and family (and she's on her way to Inaba, where I don't doubt she'll meet Ryoko and Katsushiro). How will that play out, I wonder? There were already signs of tension between Yuuma and Izumi on the subject of work vs family, and Seta Sr. doesn't seem the type to let familial affection get in the way of his personal ambitions. He's meddled with Souji's life several times (for your own good) and deliberately made things difficult for him as a sort of test, the end- game of which is not immediately clear. Will he learn who Yukiko is, and if so, try to break them apart (since she'll refuse to conform to the "norms" that he thinks are important for the wife of a corporate ladder-climber)? Will he interfere with Souji's new job, maybe put pressure on Minoru and his family through his corporate connections (it is only a "medium sized and growing financial firm" after all) to try and strong-arm Souji into a field more to his personal preference? We still haven't heard things from his point of view, so I'll reserve judgement for now (Izumi made it clear that Souji doesn't have all the facts), but contrary to her, Yuuma is actively meddling and applying corporate backstabbing tactics on his own son, while she was just taking a hands off approach. Is he actively trying to see his son succeed (and putting these obstacles in his way as a sort of twisted "trial by fire" to make him a better person), or does he just see Souji as a marketable piece of property, one to be partnered with the "proper" business connection to secure Yuuma's personal legacy (and these "tests" are just in place to raise his "market value" and keep him in line)?
On a side note, the encounter between Izumi and Junko (chapter 27) left me feeling really bad for Megumi. She's had to live knowing a father almost exactly like Souji's (with the disadvantage of her being a girl). She's found Yoshiro, so she seems happy, but she gets very subdued every time Souji's family is brought up. Will Megumi and Junko be able to heal the rift in their own family? I know that in real life (and, it seems, in this story) that not all is sunshine and happy endings, but I hope that those two can make up, if at least for Meguni's sake. Megumi also said she knows Yuuma (at least who he is), so will that come back to resolve things if matters come to a head between the latter and his son?
| Ziodyne967 chapter 29 . 12/14/2015
XD woot! I was just thinking about this too! As usual, you provide a good chapter and im always left wanting more!
| jack the writer chapter 29 . 12/12/2015
My Goodness, This was perhaps one of the best early Christmas presents I could wish for and with masterful timing I might add (Happy Birthday Yukiko). There is no proper way for me to express my gratitude at such a spectacular chapter (I think this may be the best one yet!). In the words of Yukiko "It was everything I dreamed of" and more. This had so much progress that I don't know where to begin this review so I might as well go sequentially.
I love how well fleshed out Souji's new work mates are. He seems to have the ideal boss but also co-workers that make for a fantastic working environment, I love the development there and I hope that there are more interactions between Akane, her parents and Souji (and Nanako if the Gods will it, though by that point I think I'd die of Diabetes due to a sweetness overload).
Next on the Agenda, A Lemon! and not just any Lemon, I must say I was reading this chapter before going to bed and I ended up feeling extremely red after reading. It was very well done, allowing the couple to play off each other and explore their love on a more intimate and physical level. To me it was the perfect amount of heated romance with a hint of naughtiness that I'd have wanted from such a scene. BRAVO! that couldn't have been easy.
And Finally, the other elephant in the room for change, Izumi. I was a little worried that Souji would blow things off once more, he was a little hurtful to Yukiko but once more it is explained through his circumstances. It took a lot of courage for both mother and son to reach out for each other and I was on the edge of my seat throughout the meeting hoping that it wouldn't end in tears or violence. It was a good point where Souji relents that anyone can change and I look forward to future interactions between the prodigal mother and child. It's a rocky start, from an even rockier history, but it is a start none the less and I hope that Izumi can earn herself a place within Souji's heart.
As usual, I have nothing for praise at your hard work, the story flows incredibly smoothly and it all builds up to a worthwhile sensation that leaves me happy to have read. Thank you for your continued hard work, I hope you have a wonderful Christmas and New Year. I just can't wait for the next chapter about my OTP and their friends and how things further unfold.
| gman391 chapter 29 . 12/11/2015
A very interesting chapter. While I expected a relationship upgrade of sorts. I find the seen with Izumi a bit odd, not because we don't get the tension but because Souji seems unwilling to let Yukiko in prior and Yukiko in turn seems a bit cowed which comes across as odd after her spirit in other matters of the relationship.
| Kyral chapter 29 . 12/11/2015
First off I shot you a PM about my Ch 28 review.
I liked Souji's interactions with his coworkers, glad he found a "big sister". However for me the paranoia of Yuuma somehow gaining a foothold there had me wondering. I also feel like I'm missing something with Tsukuda...I may just be reading too much into it.
Souji being all like "LETS GO GOGOGOGOGOGOGOOGOGOGOGOGOGO" was funny and cute. I half expected them to run into Izumi on train. The interactions with the IT and Natsuki and Mei continue to make me happy to see. Always worried that the IT wouldn't be able to socialize outside their little circle (this kind of includes Kou). Speaking of Kou, as I may have expressed before, I'm not really a fan of putting him with Chie (I ship Yousuke/Chie), but you're making it work. They're cute together. I wonder what they got up after Souji & Yukiko left. Oh and in particular I liked how you called attention to Yousuke "watching over his people". I think it shows the level of maturity that Yousuke has achieved since the events of P4 and I like it.
Now for one of the big parts of this...and honestly less is more here (in terms of the review). This was just perfect and simple. Yukiko and Souji are so in love and it was just hot and cute and AAAAAHHHHHHHHHH! Honestly made me remember when my fiance and I started dating. I may have had a goofy smile on my face the entire time.
Aaaaaand then Izumi called (good job syncing the timeline for me btw) and I laughed my ass off. Oohh that situation is awkward if you're on good terms with your parents-in-law. I felt so bad for Yukiko! But she handled it with the grace that we love her for. I'm really glad that she was able to break through to Souji and get him to see past his hatred for his parents. Yukiko has a very good point, now that they are engaged, she *is* involved with the problems he has with his parents. She is not someone to be underestimated *at all* and Souji of all people should have realized this a lot sooner. As I have stated before, I look forward to Yuuma trying something and the ensuing beatdown (don't think I missed Yukiko's "threat" to drag Souji into the TV World). Yuuma may think he knows something about his son, but he knows absolutely nothing about Yukiko and what *she* is capable of.
And now the second big part. I have to say, I feel like Izumi's and Souji's discussion kind of mirrored Souji and Doujima's (Yukiko is right, referring to him as "Ryo" is just WEIRD) discussion from last chapter. Souji has lots of reasons to not believe Izumi (even I am a little skeptical), but I'm glad that he realized that some of her points are valid and he had no recourse, especially on the point that people can change. As for Izumi, I'm really beginning to pull for her. She seems to genuinely care about Souji now and wants to make up for all her mistakes. If she hadn't had that encounter with Megumi's mother I wouldn't believe her, but here we're seeing that meeting impact her further. She and Yukiko seemed to hit it off...this is going to be interesting. Of course, seeing her in Inaba and interacting with Nanako is something I can't wait to see. Her change is starting, but it's in Inaba with Doujima and Nanako that Souji changed, and now Izumi will be exposed to the bright ball of light and hope that is Nanako. It's going to be fun.
One last thing, the last line kind of resonated with me. I'm like Souji in that I try to control everything and things out of my control scare the crap out of me. It took finding my fiance to slowly break that down and it's hard sometimes. I hope that Yukiko can be the same kind of rock for Souji that my fiance is for me.
| Ulcaasi chapter 29 . 12/10/2015
You know every chapter I have to start writing my review the moment I start reading because they're all such huge monsters I always end up forgetting things I want to say at the end. And DID SOMEONE SAY SEX? *rubs hands together* ooooooohh yeessssss. I can't wait. I am really liking Mizushima by the way.
WHOOO. THAT TENSION. MAN. RIGHT AFTER THEIR FIRST TIME TOO. I'm glad Yukiko answered the call and held her ground against Souji. You go girl! Umm.. You too author. :D
I really like where this story is going. Although with everything that's happening I can't shake that looming heartbreak nuke somewhere on the horizon. Like it's all too good to be true.
... Typos! Lots of typos! All the typos! Okay no. Typos be bad. What I would give to have this section empty for every single story I read. *sigh* I just checked my previous review and ffnet butchered the stuff I put in. Ah well.
There was still (-a lot to do-), and he only had...
distracted by the view that (-she-) gave him of her bare chest, but his
They (-lay-) there for a while, not speaking
time he (-realized-) it she grabbed him by the arms and