|Reviews for Moon Upon the Water|
| Species Unknown chapter 1 . 6/7/2012
| wnaruto616 chapter 1 . 6/4/2012
could you finish this story cause i would like to read what happens next?
| TheSleepingFox chapter 1 . 8/25/2011
Huh, I gotta say I'm impressed with this story. For one thing you go down a different path and bring a Pokèmom to Earth as opposed to just flopping the trainer down there. Another thing is the trainer's name, Zentrick... I don't really latch onto names but this one's uniqueness stuck with me. Two little things I can complain about are the typos here and there and say don't be afraid to describe things as much as possible. I seriously hope I see another chapter in my inbox soon!
| Shinymonkey8 chapter 1 . 8/14/2011
I have to say... pretty interesting story line. I have to admit that I have wished there were Pokemon in real life from time to time.
Beware of typos! There was one in almost every paragraph. Be sure to proofread your work carefully to weed out any.
Zentrick, eh? Pretty unique name. You didn't give much a description of the boy; age, physique, nothing. Doing this makes the readers visualization much easier. I would recommend doing this in the second chapter if you weren't planning on doing this already.
Are you planning on continuing this? Because if written well, this could actually be pretty interesting.
| Megalink1126 chapter 1 . 6/21/2011
Alright, since you did the whole guilt-tripping me into reading/reviewing thing, I'm here to do just that. So yeah, sit back, relax, and get ready to read some concrit~
First of all, let me start by saying that this is a whole lot better than the other story you started before. For one thing, there's a lot less grammatical errors, and you don't have to deal with some of the POV issues you had in the last story, as you're writing from the perspective of the Trainer instead of the human-turned-Pokemon.
That being said, it wasn't perfect. It started out fairly well, but then as the chapter crept along it started having more and more errors pop up for whatever reason. Let's start at the beginning, yeah? And don't worry, I'm not going to point out specifically every little mistake/thing that I thought was weird. That would take much too long, and I'm too lazy to do so. ;)
"Looking back up to the star, he said, "I wish I had a real Zoroark," and watched as it exited the night sky, thinking that the wish would never come true."
In this sentence, it sounds like you're referring to the star thinking that the wish would never come true. Plus, it's an awkward sentence in general. It doesn't flow very well at all near the end, and probably would have been a lot better if you had split it up into two sentences.
"It would probably get taken away, and tested on in some lab."
Aaaaand now you've lost me. Why would it be taken away? I mean, I get that it could be taken away to be studied because of the whole plushie to actual living, breathing creature thing, but only Zentrick knew about that. It's not like someone's just going to be able to look over at the Zoroark and go, "ZOMG, IT'S A POKEY-MAN THAT'S REALLY A DOLL ASJHDGOAINWOENG GET IT SO WE CAN CUT IT OPEN AND LOOKS AT IT!1!one!" Most sane people would probably just assume that it's a regular old Zoroark, and, while they are rare, have more chance of being stolen by some criminal or something instead of being taken away to be studied by a lab when no doubt there have already been studies done on the species. Now, if it were a legendary, it would be a different story, but it's not, so yeah.
"...white and black checkers pattern fedora..."
Should read "white and black checkered-pattern fedora."
"...his was green and hers was brown."
"Were," not "was." You have more than one eye after all. You did the same thing in a few other places (using was instead of were) so be on the lookout for that when you go through and edit the chapter.
Spell-check in isle three please~
Also, it would have been nice if you specified that the Zoroark was sleeping through this entire chapter. When I was reading the beginning I was thinking to myself "Why doesn't he just tell the Zoroark to hide or something? I mean, it's not even reacting to him at all..." It would have helped to clear up some confusion over the whole him needing to put the sheet on it situation and everything.
There were also some other things in there, but like I said, I'm too lazy to point them all out. Overall though, I have to say that this one is definately a big step up from your previous piece of work about the Zoroark and the Lucario. You just need to watch your grammar, be a little more careful editing, and a few other things before it can really start to shine.
And yes, the pun was intentional~
| MrMissMrs Random chapter 1 . 6/16/2011
...Wut does the 'Rocket' mean in the R's? *derp smile*
Anwho's interesting start ya have, please continue. *hopefully with a longer chappy*
| colbyjackchz chapter 1 . 6/16/2011
Awesome! I like it so far! :) Keep writing!