|Reviews for Persona: His Sapphire Eyes|
| Ganheim chapter 1 . 11/4/2014
its golden glory
[The moon isn’t gold (it’s not even definitively gold in the 25th hour)]
but only one couldn't
[One city? That’s the last thing identified. Canines are next. You might as well identify ‘one denizen’ or something clear and direct like that]
[You’re making overuse of ellipses. I get that there are pauses, but often that’s indicated by just having non-dialog text between dialog]
[Obviously after the 25th hour or the phones wouldn’t work]
bother you anymore." Fuuka
[You have a serious problem with Source Mixing. When you break to a new character, you should break to a new paragraph. This is especially important when dialog is involved, because having two characters’ dialog in the same paragraph mis-marks them as belonging to one character and can change the meaning of your scene and ruin the entire story]
"So...what's wrong, Yukari?
[Italics normally indicate thought. If it’s being spoken in a strange way then a speech tag should take care of it. Also, missing closing punctuation]
But Fuuka stopped herself with a dig of her heels into the floor
[Wouldn’t “Fuuka dug her heels into the floor” have done the job?]
He's too perfect, too lovely to ignore
[Even if the basis of this is accurate, it doesn’t look like Yukari’s speech pattern. It also doesn’t describe the character or her concept – her issue isn’t ignoring him, but putting him out of mind for a few minutes to get to sleep]
Fuuka shouted in whisper
[If I need to say what’s wrong with this, there’s another problem]
into her pyjama pocket
[Why’d she have it with her at the time?]
I’m not sure what your idea was, because your formatting and Source Mixing issues do a lot to hamper readability. At least this chapter was narrative format instead of script format which follows (might want to fix that, script format isn’t allowed per FFnet policy). This is very much an introductory chapter so I’m not certain how the characterization is, or where the setting is time-wise. I think that you have a plan, an idea of where you want to go and in a few cases are trying to jump there instead of smoothly guiding the story there.
| twilightnite13 chapter 5 . 10/31/2014
Wait...why dont the SEES members remember Takaya and Jin or vice versa?
| Doom Marine 54 chapter 2 . 6/4/2014
Having Akihiko, Minato and Junpei is a band is stupid and cliched. Also hate how you just have them singing songs you like instead of songs it would make sense for them to sing. Yeah i'm sure japanese teenagers are real into 90's pop music.
| Doom Marine 54 chapter 3 . 6/4/2014
That was dumb, I don't mind the idea of some kind of love triangle as it's good for drama. But having Mitsuru force herself on Minato was stupid because it was so out of character for her.
| The-Final-Fidelity chapter 10 . 1/9/2014
Just a reminder everyone, Chapters 2 and 3 are undergoing rewriting stages, so if you're wondering why the writing style in Chapter 1 changes so suddenly, that'll be why :)
| Chuggnoris chapter 10 . 12/29/2013
An increadible story. Great job dude! I look forward to reading the next part and seeing how you can tie the stories together. I LOVE persona 3 & 4 so this bridge will be alot of fun for me.
I xould clearly picture very thing that was described. Very well done.
| blueSenorita chapter 10 . 9/2/2013
It's really wonderful story!
Wow so fluffy, I must say..
And I had my compassion on her too :-(
| Guest chapter 1 . 8/14/2013
When I read "summer festival" I read as Summer sun festival... That is how brony I am! :D
| kitanalao chapter 5 . 7/19/2013
waw... yukari reconcile with minato. even if minato... i hope he will be alright...
| kitanalao chapter 4 . 7/19/2013
uh oh... i am worry now... even if i have been wondering why takaya and jin didn't remember about minato and minato also didn't remember them... hmmm... food for though..
| kitanalao chapter 3 . 7/19/2013
uh oh... hope they will get better soon..
| kitanalao chapter 2 . 7/19/2013
aww... poor yukari. i had feeling she was missunderstanding about this... well... actually i didn't really like the song but i guess it's okay... nice continuation ... good job
| kitanalao chapter 1 . 7/19/2013
aww... sweet starter, i'll put this to my fav list...
| Dad of War chapter 10 . 7/17/2013
Beautiful. Absolutely beautiful.
Although Minato seemed a little too lovey-dovey for my taste (I see him more as a silent, subtle, and more blunt kind of guy, but hey, that's just me), the story was magnificent. The romance was truly heartbreaking, I must admit, and the twist at the end, while kind of obvious, was executed brilliantly. 4.5/5.
| Emeraldfireblade chapter 3 . 2/7/2013
Not bad, but I find myself feeling bad for Mitsuru. Maybe I'll take a little break from this and see if I can find a good Minato/Mitsuru story. But don't worry, that's not a reflection on your story per say and I still have every intention of finishing Sapphire Eyes.
Guardian of the Sacred Emerald Flames