|Reviews for Mannequin|
| Guest chapter 2 . 6/28
| Ziltoid chapter 21 . 6/18
Hmz. The amount of secrecy from Gohan is slightly annoying at this point. You'd think he'd at least trust his family with the truth... makes him a bit of a hypocrite when he calls Hercule a liar, imho. Perhaps he'll need an outside threat to finally come clean, like Buu. On the other hand, the whole Buu saga is kinda long as well, which would distract from the Gh/V story, so perhaps a more focussed approach would be better? Villains like Broly would be enough to pose a threat against Gohan, enough to force him to go super even when he'd be in front of Videl. The fallout of such a reveal would be kinda ugly, though... but that's the price he'll need to pay for lying for so long
| Savitron5 chapter 21 . 9/3/2016
I'm so happy you finally updated! I love this story and can't wait to read more of it. Update soon!
| Noip13 chapter 9 . 8/28/2016
Hiya. So, I've been reading this, but skimming it more and more over the past few chapters. I just checked the most recent update, and based on your writing style, I'd like to give you some constructive criticism. I'm only going to go into one issue here, so if you'd like more, feel free to PM me. Anyway, here goes:
The main issue I'm having with your writing is the sentence structure you're using. Basically, you don't use any complex sentences. Example:
"I heard a loud scream. A guy was holding a gun to Videl's head. She was squirming. Another one had her hands and a third at her feet. I smirked."
"I heard a loud scream. Turning to its source, I saw a guy was holding a gun to Videl's head as she squirmed in the grip of two men, who held her hands and feet. I smirked."
By increasing the complexity of your sentences, you can increase interest and add emotion to the work. The issue with repetitive sentence structure in first-person work is that the whole thing comes off a bit flat, as if the character is very bored, and is simply reciting events with as little emotion as possible.
I hope this constructive criticism is helpful. Once again, feel free to PM me. :) Good luck.
| kimiii.berly chapter 21 . 8/28/2016
Sooo happy that story is going on!
Really missing it and almost forgot about that :/
Hope you update soon again :)
| AscendedAbyss chapter 21 . 8/27/2016
Your Gohan is a monster. He recognizes it in himself more and more, and I'm finding it hard to feel any empathy for him as he lies his way through life pathologically. You have all of this relationship building interspersed, yet it's like watching Dexter with his girlfriend in the first, few seasons of the eponymous show. Are you intending for it to come across quite this messed up? I think his only redeeming quality is his desire to protect her by this point, yet he is too desperate for her affections to do so.
In canon, Gohan's incentives for lying to maintain his secret identity is primarily about protecting his family. Here he is lying to everyone including his family simply because he doesn't want to deal with the consequences of the truth, Saiyaman heroism is so far on the back-burner that you haven't mentioned it in chapters, and he's letting a girl fall in love with an image of him that is constructed on lies. That final part may be the biggest, key difference here; she let him in to her deepest fears, while he pretended to do the same. He questions whether you could truly love someone when they're lying to you like he is to her: you can't.
Learning of her own father's compulsive lying would be hard enough on her. That her new boyfriend is the real hero of the day would be a strain no matter how their characters have been built. The dark irony would be that her boyfriend is as compulsive of a liar as her father, wherein both have built complex relationships with her that leave her literally no one to turn to for comfort when the truth comes out.
I think my biggest problem at this point is that Gohan doesn't feel like a hero. He's broken, which would be fine if the archetype was the girl who heals the broken hero, yet it's that very relationship which is causing all of this! Rather than letting her in, he is putting up wall after wall while desperately clinging to some insane facsimile of normalcy through his high school romance. I honestly want his fake world to burn at this point, though I wonder how that would affect DBZ canon.
I don't know how or even if you want to fix that - perhaps this feeling I'm having is entirely intentional on your part and you deserve to feel pride at a well-built character piece - but if your vision is true love and romance, then I have obvious difficulty buying it in its current form. Given how much this story has made me think, I will definitely be following it, but I hope you see what I'm saying. If you aren't trying to build a monster, he needs to let her in on his own! Some epiphany or very strong words from his mother must lead to an unsolicited confession, which she can hate him for and then finally forgive him if you want drama. If he gets caught in the act and exposed then there's nothing for him to redeem himself with: he'd be the worst kind of liar who tries to come clean only after they have been caught red-handed.
| Chosen To Die chapter 21 . 8/27/2016
Yay! I missed this story so much, its awesome!
| dolguldur chapter 21 . 8/27/2016
| tabriggs1975 chapter 21 . 8/26/2016
Welcome back. I'm really excited that you are continuing this story. I love this chapter. Hope to see another update soon.
| Ern Estine 13624 chapter 21 . 8/26/2016
Getting super good can't wait for more
| Shigure Toshiro chapter 21 . 8/26/2016
Interesting chapter, looking forward to how Gohan will react.
| Pfiend chapter 21 . 8/26/2016
I just about fell out of bed upon seeing an update for this story! There aren't enough words for how excited I am you're back!
| Aaron Leach chapter 21 . 8/26/2016
| dcp1992 chapter 21 . 8/26/2016
Great chapter! Glad to see an update! I definitely have to reread this story since I've forgotten some of the small details. I'd forgotten Videl was an artist and Gohan was hiding Videl's last name because of his family and friends. Can't wait to see what happens next! Update soon!
| maesde chapter 21 . 8/25/2016
Glad you are back! Can't wait for more chapter, and then the great reveal! can't wait for it!