|Reviews for Looking Back|
| Cherrylin chapter 1 . 4/16/2012
I read this story last night after I had gone to bed, trying to pass time since I couldn't sleep.. and decided I wanted to read a oneshot. Said action nagged me about how I haven't written in a long while. Damn.
Regardless, I didn't want to review through my phone, so here I am, next morning, about to write. Review might lack some details as I only have my notes to rely on.
Here's the first thing I want to point out;
'She let out a sigh as she -. She let out a sigh, -. She looked over to her daughter -.'
I cut out some of it because I didn't want to fill up the review with flawless text, but here's what I wanted to point out; all these three sentences after each other started with 'she', and more so, the two of them with 'she let out a sigh' before following action. Be more careful when deciding how to start up a sentence. A tip; when reading through your text, try to just read the first 1-3 words of each sentence in a paragraph. If it sounds repetitive, change something.
I caught a little mistake of detail when you described the toy-gun incident, so I just want to clear something up.
You wrote that he saw a label discouraging shooting people in the eyes and that's why he started shooting the students, but that's not entirely correct. He bought the gun and started out just targeting random objects, then read the 'do not shoot people' and then started to do so. Then accidentally hit a girl in the eye because she turned around just as he fired.
Another sentence to correct; 'It really wasn't his thing, really.' Oh really? /lame joking. Anyway, I think you see my point.
'Mion on the other hand, stood their, his words stabbing him like a dagger straight in the heart.'
I didn't quite get this sentence. I can understand that 'their' should be 'there', but then you kind of wrote that Keiichi's words stabbed himself, and I assume 'him' should be 'her'.
When we got to the point where Mion stood as a shield to Takano's gun, you forgot to mention Hanyuu's role.
'- after Rika had flawlessly preformed the Cotton Drifting Ceremony', it should be 'performed', not 'preformed'. Just a little typo I caught.
And now, to a more general review of the fanfic. I liked it, it was a quite pretty little thing, although, it was a bit dull sometimes. What I mean is, the sentences were very short and very straight. "They did this. He did that. Then she was this." That kind of thing, if you know what I mean? My only suggestion here is to let it flow a bit more, longer sentences, more details. Feelings. You did this quite well on some parts, then other parts it got straight like this. I think it gave off a bit where you were inspired and where you felt it a bit more like a chore of sorts, could I be right?
Overall, a nice little fic with a couple of things you can fix.
Sorry to hear about your fingernail, btw.. hope it's healed since the upload of 'Looking Back'.
| kingvampire00 chapter 1 . 7/1/2011
| Sergeant Daniel chapter 1 . 6/23/2011
This is a great one-shot. I'm writing a one-shot for Keiichi and Mion as well. It's called "Childhood Friends," and it'll be pretty good. I hope. Anyway I can't wait to read your new story. Keep up the good work:D
| Sentinel Proxima chapter 1 . 6/22/2011
Thanks for the story, and I'm sorry to hear about your fingernail. Seriously, that episode gave me so much pain I almost gave up with Higurashi altogether, and it wasn't even really happening to me!
I... didn't have a very good Watanagashi (sadly, I work Sundays) but I did make some progress with my writing, so that's good.
Your preview is excellent, very atmospheric and philosophical (I like that in a story) and I can't wait for Chapter 1 to arrive!
As to your question about whether we would like a twins-centred story... do you even need to ask? Yes yes YES of course! :)
| Uryuu-Nipaa chapter 1 . 6/22/2011
Aaaaah, so cute ! I love little kids. They're just so cute and small ). Nice oneshot. And your new story seems very cool. Hopefully it will be just as good as GED, or maybe even better (though that will be quite hard).