|Reviews for Digimon: Future Adventure|
| KumoFuzei chapter 3 . 9/21/2011
*epic digivolution process* is not sufficient for me, I'm sorry. This isn't a joke fanfic, it's serious :/
seperate back and side at the start or get a weirder meaning :/
having stage directions in parantheses is a script writing thing. In this type of prose you have to describe that stuff, to do it the way you did it just break up the speech into two and have the action description in the middle.
I LOVE(underlined) the idea of a battle connector, it's fairly unique and smart and it could create some interesting stuff later on.
I think it's better to have the fighting tactics in thoughts for the most part because shouting them makes little use of the battle connector.
I also am a little confused about Cyclonemon, one arm or two, I remember you saying one.
Petite fire seems very much like an agumon rip imo.
The movement towards/off the edge of the city was too sudden and it seemed more like a teleportation :/
die and mega-nova fire would be better in seperate speech marks. Also the battle connector would prevent throwing him to safety, right?
In general their were less mistakes but there are still stuff I'd change if it were me.
It was nice but you need to lengthen out battle scenes, minimise text and maximise action. Text should only be used when required. Anyways I will be alerting now to see how this goes but I think it'd be better if you edited the first three chapters before creating a fourth.
If you have comments about any of my reviews drop me a pm.
| KumoFuzei chapter 2 . 9/21/2011
Don't appologise for having OC digimon, they are great :D
Takeo's dad changes from security to a scientist. Continuity error is afoot. Also previously Takeo didn't even know his dad's full job. Please try to keep stuff consistent, especially in direct continuation chapters.
It's starting to seem like this is a bit of an idealised world you've created for the main characters. I'd prefer more cracks beneath and on the surface tbh :S
All of them meeting so early without better explanation also niggles at me with annoyance. I feel a little confused about the new digivice in the last chapter I don't think it was described enough so describing the new one better would be an improvement.
Yet again there were mistakes and a lot of the text was cardboard and unrealistic.
Anyways I will continue to read.
| KumoFuzei chapter 1 . 9/21/2011
I adore OC and OC digimon are 100% amazing. However here are my thoughts:
First of all a lot of the speech is unrealistic, bland and unexciting. Some of the text is wrong/confusing. Little snippets seem unrealistic/unoriginal. The overall plot seems nice but having what are clearly your matt and tai(since it is a dynamic most choose I assume from even this early stage that is where they are heading) have gabumon and agumon, while nostalgic, is uninteresting and uncreative. The fact so many of them consider Digimon friends(the main characters) also leaves little room for attitude changes, realisations and increasing likability of some characters later on. It's not fun if all the main characters think the same. As someone else said transition is occasionally confusing and you miss out one at one point.
Some good points are the plot, it seems to flow well and I look forward to reading on. I hope the parents and characters become more likable, more unique and don't get stuck with generic, hyped up plots. Most of the fic is well done. Occasionally I'd like more description but what you provide is adequate enough. I hope in later chapters you try improve or possibly retcon it :)
I hope my review is helpful.
| ThirdTimeztheCharm chapter 2 . 9/20/2011
As far as your OC digimon go, I like them, but it's a little weird that some of the CC's don't have official Digimon. Hawkmon/Biyomon would have done just fine for Ren in my opinion, and LaLamon has a healing ability for Minami. As does Labramon, but I think you are looking more for a plant digimon.
Minor spelling errors in regards to mommy dearest :)
Misspelled Akira's name :P
I love Minami, fyi.
Is his mom the best cop? Or does he think she is? hmmm?
"Is there a problem, mom" is a question, so it needs a question mark.
Ooh, Daddy issues via Ren
Awwhhh yeaaahhh, collision meet up!
You are writing more of a script, and not so much a story, offer us more description!
| ThirdTimeztheCharm chapter 1 . 9/20/2011
I like Taeko as a narrator, she's quirky.
However, you don't give very much away as far as setting goes, I feel like this could take place anywhere.
It's traditional in fiction writing that whenever a new voice is speaking in quotations, it's a new paragraph. It helps it to be less confusing.
Oh wait...Taeko's a guy? xD Awkward...
Wait, it's Takeo...dyslexia moment, my bad.
Akira is cool :D
The transition between Akira's POV and Takeo's POV is very abrupt, might do to have another MEANWHILE or some other transitional phrases.
You do a lot of telling, not showing, it's best to add in more descriptive language to better connect us with your characters.
Overall rating 5/10.
| MMJ.Rich chapter 1 . 6/25/2011
This si really good :) enjoyed the first chapter cant wait for then next chapter hehehe.
Just one tip did u make up Feamon and Kodamon?