kkaotikkaeb chapter 1 . 11/17/2012
Do you even know how to write?OMFG this is the worst, sorry for saying it, but, it really is.
There isn't any punctuation mark and for the dialogs there aren't any explanations for who is talking and when the sentence is me tell you (I'm Italian and I know english very well), that you should study again, but this is the truth and I wrote this to you because I really want you to improve and write this in a better me know if you want too!
when-the-fandoms-attacked chapter 1 . 4/9/2012
you aught to rewrite this, without the caps lock and proper punctuation. its kinda hard to understand...

overall, i like the storyline though(:
Historical Geo chapter 1 . 1/2/2012
Love the basis of this story it was very good but

1 need to turn off the caps it gave me a headache

2 spell check

Otherwise very good
Tina Amada chapter 1 . 9/5/2011
This story is very, VERY hard to read.

I recommend you work on:

1. Punctuation

2. Spelling (COMTERBAL is spelled comfortable,

3. Using quotation marks (it's hard to know who's speaking and when)

4. Indenting paragraphs

5. Grammar

Calm down on your caps lock and bold font bro. This has potential to be a good story if it was formatted correctly and revised a couple of times. Keep at writing and you'll improve
Kathleen chapter 1 . 8/6/2011
Great story and great idea!

It was kind of hard to read with the caps lock, I'd suggest writing without caps lock in future stories. Also, it would be nice if you added quotation marks, it makes it a lot easier to know if someone is talking or if it's just them thinking.

Other than that, though, your story was great!
Star1412 chapter 1 . 8/5/2011
Nice plot! I think you have Henry and Jasper's personality perfectly. There were lots of spelling and gramatical mistakes that were kind of distracting. Do you always write in all caps?
Synesti chapter 1 . 7/17/2011

First, nice story idea. You're completely correct in saying that Henry 'never get's sick' so it's really a new idea.

Second, I, personally, am opposed to words completely in Caps Lock. Once or twice a chapter to emphasize an important word, or something that would be said very loudly, but it isn't a good idea to write large amounts of text in Caps Lock, as it is disruptive for a reader.

Third, spelling. You have several words that are not spelt correctly. Checking it quickly before uploading is a really good idea.

Fourth, it's helpful to the reader if you put dialogue from different characters in separate paragraphs. As an example:

"I really hope we don't have a test," Henry said anxiously.

"You'll be fine," Jasper said reassuringly. "Just do your best."

Fifth, when changing the perspective of characters in your story, which is a great idea, it is nice to put the description just above the change. Example:

Jasper's point of view:

When we got to school I noticed that Henry seemed really nervous. "What's wrong?" I asked him.

Henry's point of view:

"What's wrong?" Jasper asked me, obviously now aware of my distress.

Okay. That's all. It's a really good story idea, and with a little bit of editing it could be really great.

MissJubilant chapter 1 . 7/3/2011
Oh my lord... is your caps lock broken? You really should get it fixed; it's giving me a massive headache. Also, spell check is your friend. There are red squiggly lines under much of your writing for a reason.