|Reviews for As the hands of time turn|
| Some Lazy Ass chapter 1 . 7/22/2012
Not up the good work!
| laurendeborah chapter 1 . 7/11/2012
| Yemi Hikari chapter 1 . 7/27/2011
I guess the best way to put it is, warning bells perked up in my head as soon as I read your summary. The warning bells occurred because off how garbled the summary came across, and when I clicked into your fanfic, I found myself accosted by really bad formatting.
So, the place I think I have to start is by telling you, you honestly need to improve your writing technique. Big, bulky paragraphs aren't cute, they're an eye sore, particularly for those who happen to have a reading disability or English is not their first language. You start a new paragraph every time you start a new point and if need be, have multiple paragraphs for one point. Also, you need to learn to spell out numbers.
"I warn everyone who dislikes reading stories where people put their OCs to where they are IN the movie, to not read this."
I don't mind an OC added in if the plot changes, or we get a different view point of the plots. However, I do mind OCs that have no purpose of existing in a story except to be watch the events unfold, or take over the important roles that canon characters have. The reason I have problems with the last kind I mentioned is because the only work that the writer of those fanfics puts out is to type up the original story and change a few minor points. The work is NOT their own and it is just being lazy, right? That said, so far you've added new material to the series from what I can see, but you'll want to avoid what I am talking about in the next chapters.
“ Also that high school girl you know and love...” and this sentence in the summary. “Now Towa joins her family and is ready to stand by Kazuma, but this time she may get to fight beside him rather than just watch.” and there may be more...
Exactly when is your plot occurring. In some places you indicate that it is happening after the events, other times you indicate that it is happening during that period of time. The first sentence is rather bothersome. Said high school girl was an unknown until AFTER the last battle unfolded, so who exactly is the OC talking to? The only person she could be talking to then, if this takes place during is the reader, and then she is breaking the forth wall and it still makes no sense, as the reader should still be treated as if they are just being introduced to the story.
“I love to fight, but Kazuma always get the good fights. I get suck with idiots that don't know the arrow keys on their own computers.” and “”My avatar is customized to be like Kazuma's.”
First off, there are quite a few sentences that mention fighting that makes her look like she is meant to be a cool character like Kazuma, instead of being her own unique individual. Also, knowing how gaming works, I am going to have to also call you on this statement. If she was into fights, she would have been into tournaments just like he was and while the early fights might have a few people that don't know what they are doing, if she goes up in the brackets, the people she will be up against will know what she is doing.
“ Mostly from the U.S; since I can understand their language; Skillet, Linkin Park, Breaking Benjamen, Three Days Grace, VOCALOID(which are wall scrolls), and some Anime ones like Vampire Knight, Soul Eater, and Gurren Lagann.”
Actually, I think the real reason you picked those bands for her was because they were ones you liked and you didn't know any Japanese bands. Unless she is an otaku of the American culture, she would have Japanese bands too. I also noticed that the Anime you picked were ones you like. While I understand that your knowledge base is limited, I also have to say that research wouldn't hurt, nor would making some of her likes your dislikes and some of her dislikes your likes. It would flesh it out more. That said, a lot of this chapter seems like information loaded onto the reader which might not necessarily be really important to the story.
The last problem has to do with the fact that Kazuma happens to have socialization problems. The movie makes it clear that one of the reasons the Jinnouchi family was impressed with Kenji was because he was able to get Kazuma to interact with him despite having only been in the household a few days when they themselves have had problems with getting him to socialize. How then do you explain him becoming friends with his cousin Towa?
She may be the same age as him and be family, but that likely isn't enough if they never had any social connection before this. There is also no explanation as to why she is into fighting, while Kazuma's was given straight out. I also don't think Kazuma would be comfortable sharing his customization of King Kazuma with anyone either. He also would have problems sharing his “sensei” with someone too, considering he is thirteen and has a major problem with getting a new sibling and sharing his mom and dad.
That said, this isn't where you should probably be starting your fanfic. I personally think it would be better to start with how she got to know Kazuma and how she got into fighting. Sure, it will take you time to get to the major plot line, but that should also help you come up with ways not to just slap her into the plot as a tag along character who really has no real purpose.
| K.Se7en.L chapter 1 . 7/20/2011
This story is really good i hope you continue.
| Mermaid Ninja chapter 1 . 6/28/2011
It's Koi Koi.