Reviews for The More It Intertwines With Its Prison
fangirl05 chapter 1 . 5/26/2013
Ow. My heart...
Mariketa12085 chapter 1 . 12/21/2012
You need a sequel to this and if you have one be sure to let me know
deactivated82940 chapter 1 . 11/26/2011
I adore the idea of Malik fucking with Ryou's brain like that. It's nice and twisted x3
Doubleplusgoodduckspeaker chapter 1 . 7/11/2011
First off, your title is really pretty... that image just definitely pulls us in and is a great way to start :)

The emotions, the conflict in this were all great. I like how perceptive Ryou is, and also how vulnerable he is in this. The end had me going DDD: I wanted to yell at them through the computer screen! xD But I thought the ending was at a good spot because it was 'an ending' of sorts.

Great job! Looking forward to your next entry!
Ziven chapter 1 . 7/10/2011
The idea of Marik placing a bit of his soul into Ryou is ingenious. It's not only interesting, but it does indeed make an awesome conflict, what with Ryou already having to deal with Bakura. Cool Beans and Kudos for the creativity on your part.

The one thing I would criticize is that this seemed really rushed. I wish that you had taken the time out to let things develop a bit more slowly, to read about the buildup of Ryou's feelings before his outburst. You barely brush the surface of the emotions that are capable of being explored here, and I would love to see them become more developed.

I also found the transition to their discussion about having sex a little awkward. Ryou rolling over to slide next to Marik, when he's obviously been upset about something as serious as his soul's consistency was very sudden. I think that perhaps he should have been disarmed by a bit of conversation first, or to have Marik pull him over instead? Something like that.

But, this introduced a really awesome concept, and I hope that you go far enough to develop it a little more, perhaps when the contest is over? I really fell for the concept~
Phoebe Delos chapter 1 . 7/6/2011
This is a very nice premise! I've seen the Marik keeps control of Ryou beyond canon reasons/after the fact before, but very rarely where it comes back to bite him.

My only real wish was it developed a little slower and more depth on the conflicted emotions on the characters' part, though I imagine the rush is pretty natural given the contraints.
Enjeru chapter 1 . 7/6/2011
It's sad but realistic ya know. I mean Ryou finding out that he was tricked into falling in love, readers can want them back together but after a betrayal like that how would it be possible? Relationship just wouldn't work out anymore. And yet, the soul binds them, most likely forever, for better or worse. This oneshot obviously being the latter.

It was a good read :] I liked it!
safa'at keruth chapter 1 . 7/6/2011
I like the suspense you had building up throughout the entire fic, centering around the question of whether Malik did anything to Ryou or not. The way you transferred that suspense to the question of whether Ryou would stay instead of letting it burn out after the truth was revealed was nice - I didn't even realize that I'd been wondering about two conflicts until the end.

I also like the way you introduced the fact that Ryou could very well believe that other people have been controlling the entirety of his teenage years - having it said by Ryou himself was an interesting change from the way it typically dominates in 'control-issues' fics.

My criticism for this is that the sex scene felt a little unnecessary - the descriptions you had for it seemed random to me, especially in the context of a fic that's more about the mentality of a relationship than the physical part of it. You could have cut it down to the conversation and maybe a few details of where Malik and Ryou were on the bed, and avoided the whole pants issue; I think it would have been better that way, but IDK about the rest of the readers. :)

Another criticism is that I thought the ending was too abrupt; the fic felt incomplete to me, and as I got nearer to the end I was expecting something along the lines of a wrap-up paragraph. Your last sentence seemed like a line from the middle of a scene and not a final thought. There's really no need for drastic changes, only a bit of buildup to let the reader know that the fic has definitively ended.

Good job, and good luck this round!

-Keruth :)
yllimilly chapter 1 . 7/5/2011
At first I wasn't sure how to interpret this fic: is this drama? Canon? Fluff? Slice of life? Towards the end I sort of accepted that it was a one of a kind piece. It was well written, the lentgh was just right in my opinion. I'd enjoy reading a sequel, of course. You leave us at the cliffhanger

Best thing about this fic, for me, was the mix of soulmindfuckery and orderingpizzadoinglaundry. I don't know why, I think it works very well.

Good luck!

My Misguided Fairytale chapter 1 . 7/5/2011
Aww! I really feel for the characters - it's so sad and dramatic and emotional and wonderful. I love the central idea you've got here, and how you use the piece of Marik's soul (this line, especially: "I'm only here because you've made certain that I can't leave. The piece of your soul I have can't stand being away from you." - very powerful), and I LOVE your title, and the way that you incorporated it into the text. Very nice.

I do wish it had been a little bit longer - I really want to know what happens next! Although I guess that's kinda the point, that they don't really get a resolution after what happened, but I'm still holding out hope for them! xD

Good job on this, and keep up the good work!

~Jess (My Misguided Fairytale)
Guest chapter 1 . 7/5/2011
I love this! Do you think you could write more and continue the story? That would be awesome!
Anreyla chapter 1 . 6/29/2011
To be honest, I'm not particularly enthralled by this fic. The story's premise is okay, but I feel it could've been executed a lot better if the characters were more... well, in-character.

Let's start with Malik: Malik is shown to be highly manipulative and intelligent and charismatic. Yes, he does experience a morality-shift in Battle City, and while he would not want to manipulate people, in this story he also would not want to lose Ryou, and I think it would be a lot more in-character for him to try to appease Ryou and keep his cool rather than how he was written being so nervous about it. In that case it would also provide a source of conflict, whether you wanted to make it between Ryou and Malik (Ryou realizing what he was trying to do) or just internally for Malik (asking himself if it's okay to lie to Ryou to ensure he doesn't leave him or something like that).

I also think that Ryou was written rather.. poorly. Yes, given the situation of the story, he probably would be upset, but Ryou, for years, had issues with making friends, and was generally probably lonely (his mother and sister died when he was young, and YnBakura would lock his friends souls into Monster World figurines), I don't see him being the type to throw a friendship or a love interest overboard because of something like this. To me, he seems like he'd be far more likely to want to work it out. I understand that way it may be a little harder to work with the conflict of the story, but as I mentioned earlier, you could go with other conflicts, or go with the conflict of them trying to work it out, since that'd likely be a situation where emotions may run high.

One other thing I wanted to touch on.. when Malik and Ryou are hinted to have sex near the very end... well, honestly, to me, the whole thing (combined with their interactions the next day), made it almost seem like -rape- to me (after all, Ryou didn't really offer consent, being physically aroused doesn't necessarily mean wanting to have sex), which I have absolutely nothing against when used in writing, but I'm not sure if that's what you were actually going for, so I'd be more careful with it next time you do something like that. Unless that's the tone you were going for, in which case, bravo.

Aside from some very petty semantics issues, that's mainly all I have to say. If you have any questions, feel free to reply and we can have a back and forth about it.
lady sesshomaru-sama chapter 1 . 6/27/2011
ouch1 love it cant wait for more!
arashi wolf princess chapter 1 . 6/27/2011
I can see the implications really well. Its a wonderful oneshot and i wish you luck in the contest