|Reviews for Birdsong|
| uh-oh-5-O chapter 1 . 10/23/2011
Wow, this is a dark story. I love how you have Samus all freaking out when she realizes she really did kill Falco, her reactions at that part fit perfectly. Though, towards the end it seemed that you did kind of rushed it. But good story regardless. Not many Falco and Samus stories.
| Souldin chapter 1 . 10/17/2011
That was creepy, that was dark and twisted and psychotic. As that was what you were aiming for I can say job well done.
Timing of the sentences and the manner you write them is crucial in developing the atmosphere of tension and dread in these kinds of stories and you've done just that. Strange though is how you favour longer sentences over shorter, more sudden ones and yet the horror is presented just as well. I think this is a result of the focus being on Samus's thoughts (and less on the setting or mood) and while I'm not usually a fan of first person narratives you have worked it brilliantly here. Samus's thoughts are fully explored and the exploration of the other characters was intriguing and nice to see; also fitting for Samus's state of mind.
There is, as always from me, the odd nitpicking such as how Samus was raised by Chozo's and as such probably would react different to love, affairs, and murder than what a normal human would (the Chozo’s were supposed to be an incredibly intelligent and logical race which would shape what they consider morally a great deal), and there is the odd missing word from sentences (you did mention that you wrote this really fast). The main criticism though is that it all progressed too fast; the changes in Samus's mind as well as the story overall. Maybe her mind altered rapidly as a result of how quick things were moving but the speed of the story left angles unexplored, and made the story end much faster than I wished it too. It would have also been neat if the 'birdsong' cropped up into Samus's head as the story went by, with more and more words being sung as it progressed until she snapped.
When you look on it though my criticisms are about what this fanfic could have done and less on what it has done because what it has done is glorious. Sure I would never intentionally read a fanfic like this, I hate unhappy endings after all, but I recognise it as being written phenomenally. A truly dark and descriptive piece that will most certainly give the majority of your readers’ nightmares. Fantastic job, keep up the amazing work!
| Araceli L chapter 1 . 6/29/2011
So...Flo The Machine FTW. But I'm just the bearer of bad news, aren't I?
Maybe that rushing didn't help much, buddy. Ok, I don't think you'll take this the wrong way or anything, but still, my words of caution: I'm not trying to offend you in any way whatsoever. I just want to offer constructive critiscm. No offense is meant.
First of all: I like the way it started out, gloomy and a bit raving crazy. It gave me the image of somebody with huge eyes holding on to their head, sort of swaying in a circle. Weird? Indeed. I liked how it tied into the end.
I liked the story idea. I haven't heard Birdsong, but I've been meaning to YouTube it. However, from the ending, I pretty much know how it goes ;P But I'm guilty of that too, so no worries. It's fine, anyway. Made her seem...crazy, but a little bit less believable.
Actually, I think my main problem with this fic is Samus herself. I can understand one rash decision, killing the bird, the accouser, but why her friends? It doesn't really...it just doens't make sense. I know that perhaps the idea is for it to NOT make sense; but juding from the whole story itself it's Samus dealing with the fact that she ruined everything, the way Falco said. We're not really being shown into the mind of the lunatic, because, well, that's not the main focus. So it doesn't make sense. Sure, she knows she didn't HAVE to kill them...and yea, I understand writing up a crazy person that doesn't really have a sense of what their doing (here Samus shooting) but it just kinda went off the charts. She probably just woulda shot the ones that knew of the birdsong, vs everybody. A bit more of explanition, a look into Samus's reasoning might have helped.
Oh, and those characters: they were sorta stock characters. I think one of the main problems is trying to fit a vast idea in such a short piece. To make this really stand out, a longer piece with more descriptions on Samus and Ike's love, Samus's relationships with her friends, the state of Samus and Ike's love that caused her to (as you so hilariously put it) screw Marth, why Ike cheated with Peach...Why Samus is in the hospital. I think the whole thing needed to be more realistic. Mostly Samus's relationships. It would have driven a whole note into the story; instead it seems like you know something we don't. Except, instead of keeping it vague intentionally to let us fill in the horror with the worst our imagination can offer, it's a bit like missing a piece of the puzzle. Something's just missing.
The writing was good, form, prose, descriptions. You had nice descriptions, I liked them a lot, kept thinking "I wonder if I could use that..." I thought your dialogue was pretty good, but not perhaps as good as it could have been, like I've seen you do. I thought Falco was perfectly in character, and in the beginning it did start out nice, Samus did. Anxious and bewildered and half-mad with paranoia. You see, one thing about writing dark fics is striking the perfect balance with the protaganoist. You sorta lost it toward the end, though. Picked it up while she was running (thought that segment was great) then it was okay in the end. See, another important thing in these dark fics is what to leave in, what to take out. If you want it to be vague, (which works best for straight out horror, vs these silent ones that chillingly creep up on you, because they're so realistic) don't fill in other details. If you want it to be creepily realistic, describe in personal details. This was sort of an awkward take at both. The thing itself wasn't awkward, just the focus, I 'spose.
In the end I just want to offer my help, but in no means, I hope you don't think I think I'm better or anything like that. I think with a bit of tweaking this will be marvelous. But, just what I think. Honestly though, it was very well written. And hey, isn't that the important thing?(:
See ya on the other side,
| Shadow's whisper28 chapter 1 . 6/27/2011
Wow. Just wow. It isn't your usual style, but you sure did a good job of it.
You once again manage to convey the character's feelings into the reader, something very few writers can do. Even as I write this I'm still tense. The rhyme at the end was good, too. Added to Samus's insanity.
I have no criticism, really. Love the darker theme.
Also, please excuse the fragments and any errors. The 3DS isn't good for writing anything longer than three words.
| Amertsi chapter 1 . 6/27/2011
Oh gosh, I am severly creeped out now... Wonderful writing, one of the best horror stories I've read. You did an amazing job!