|Reviews for Trapped|
| Ralinde chapter 14 . 7/3/2012
"Everything was all right. Except for the fact that everything was not all right." Perhaps you change that second sentence to: "Except for the fact that it wasn't." That makes it less redundant.
I liked how you made Sirius escape in the end! It makes a lot of sense that him being an Animagus is what eventually saved him, since that is also what set him apart from the other prisoners. It's great that you made his dog-self suffer the results of his malnourishment as a human, because that does seem logical.
I do not really get the part where the Dementors open the door to the cell to shove in the food, for various reasons: Can Dementors even carry anything? There were wizard guards as well, so it would make a lot more sense to have them handing out the food. Why do Azkaban cells have doors that open at very meal, making it all too easy to escape when it's supposedly the best guarded prison? Shouldn't that be a hatch or something?
I think swimming the North Sea as a dog makes more sense than crossing it as a human, so I'm glad you decided to take that route.
It was interesting to read this story, Sirius is a wonderful character and over the chapters you're description of him has really become better. The flow of the story also became better in the later chapters. I especially liked the later chapters. And yay, Sirius is free! (sorry, never mind my random rambling) I suggest you take another look at the things I mentioned in earlier chapters to tweak the story, but you already pmed that you were working on that, so I think that will all work out fine.
| Ralinde chapter 13 . 7/3/2012
Sirius' thoughts about the picture are very clear. The moment realisation hits is great. That must be one bitter pil to swallow. One remark though: troughout his reminiscences about the picture, Sirius states how unfair it is that he is in prison and Peter is free. Then he thinks about Harry (which is like only 10 seconds later) and he is completely forgotten he's in prison? That's really unbelievable.
There's only one chapter left and I'm looking forward to see how you are going to make Sirius escape eventually!
| Ralinde chapter 12 . 7/2/2012
LoL at your a/n: If only I could find the copyright to Harry Potter under my Christmas tree, I'd be a very happy person for sure. XD
Although Fudge seems a bit too trembly to be true, I like how you sneaked the Daily Prophet in there. That was really nicely done.
There were a few SPaG-errors but nothing major.
| Ralinde chapter 11 . 7/2/2012
I liked this chapter as well. It's so sad to see Sirius doubt Remus and it's great that James sticks up for him. I like how Sirius misses the old Peter, the one they had hang out it, because I think that would be realistic. You're right: memory chapters are indeed fun to write (and also great to read because they give you an insight in the character).
| Ralinde chapter 10 . 7/2/2012
The last line was absolutely wonderful. In a place like Azkaban, laughter would be more frightening than delusional rambling, because that person must have really gone over the edge. Over all, I liked this chapter.
One thing: I know I have said it like a billion times already, but could you please change all the dementers into Dementors? XD
| Ralinde chapter 9 . 7/2/2012
I can see Sirius doing this during his time in Azkaban. It seems almost standardized prisoner-occupation, but like you said: what more is there to do really? What I liked the most was the 3145. Not because it happened that often, but because the number throws the reader of guard. I do however, believe that he was more consumed by hatred than by regret, but that is probably my personal interpretation.
| Ralinde chapter 8 . 6/24/2012
Ah poor Severus! I really felt for him. I think this would be exactly the kind of thing a Dementor would evoke, so well done there.
"Just another fine example of he and James' quick wit and easily executed jinxes." - his' and James'.
| Ralinde chapter 7 . 6/19/2012
Hmm, I don't know what to think of this chapter. Though I do believe he would crack at some point, I think his sense for revenge would have kept him going. But, it's nice that it's the moon the reminds him to get out. I loved the last line (probably because I've recently done a freeverse on the exact same imagery).
| Ralinde chapter 6 . 6/19/2012
Wow, quite the time jump. But I get it though. Nothing much happens in prison, so a month could be a year or vice versa. Poor Sirius, haunted by the ghosts of his friends. Too bad he's starting to believe he deserves to be in Azkaban, but as you said, he is gradually losing / has gradually lost his mind, so I think it makes sense in a way.
One thing: dementers should be Dementors.
| Ralinde chapter 5 . 6/19/2012
It is interesting to see what Sirius nightmares are about. I can imagine them being something like this. Perhaps you could have added a line at the beginning/end and have the nightmare in italics, because apart from the chapter title indicating that it was indeed a nightmare, it's a bit confusing though. I'm kinda wondering what it was Sirius blamed Remus for.
A few remarks:
There were chirping birds inside Lily and James' house? Unless they owned like a canary or something, that doesn't make much sense, because birds are outside.
[The kitchen started dissolve again] - you need to add the word 'to' here.
Muggles should be capitalized
| Ralinde chapter 4 . 6/19/2012
This was also not a very long chapter. It makes sense that, as a dog, Sirius is having less trouble with the Dementors as in his human form. Again, I don't think you need to explicitly explain that in your A/N. Have a little faith in your readers and let the story speak for itself :)
| Ralinde chapter 3 . 6/17/2012
Hmm, I'm sorry to have to disagree with you XD
Though I liked the switch (It was rather obvious, so I think you could have done without the mention in the A/N), I felt Barty Crouch (both Jr. and Sr.) were very OOC. BC Jr. is known to be a mad person, cool and composed, he would not be screaming for his mommy. BC Sr. was heartbroken by his son's betrayal, but was also very strict and righteous.
I really liked the idea though, because I have always wondered how he got out to join Voldemort again. It must have gone unnoticed, because Sirius was all over the papers, as was the mass-breakout in Harry's fifth year, so it could very well happened in a similar way. But now I'm wondering whatever happened to Mrs. Crouch XD
| Ralinde chapter 2 . 6/17/2012
This was indeed a short chapter. I'm glad that there weren't that many SPaG-errors in this one. :) I don't think being innocent counts in Azkaban, but other than that, I can get why his anger keeps him on the safe side of sanity.
| Ralinde chapter 1 . 6/12/2012
Since there are quite some SPaG-errors in this chapter, I'll divide this review up into a story- and a SPaG-section for readability.
I think it is a nice way to start with Sirius being on Peter's tail (no pun intended).
Sirius first reaction to Peter's second betrayal isn't really believable. He would be outraged, not able to control himself, yelling... anything really! Not to forget there were also 12 Muggles killed in the attack. I sort of get the hysterical laughter though. But why in the name of Merlin would Sirius ASK to be imprisoned?
I am also wondering how Benjy Fenwick is the one to take Sirius to Azkaban, seeing that he was blown to pieces by a Death Eater attack during the war? I did like the way you inserted Mrs. Pettigrew though. I don't think a wizard would say that the world 'sucks' but that is just my personal opinion.
I do not believe five-year-old Sirius would ever have gotten into contact with Muggles, his parents being who they are. And a nine-year-old would not be telling his parents off. As for Bellatrix learning the 'Crucio' at Hogwarts? Like, really, in what universe would that EVER happen?
Some of these I can imagine to be his deepest and depressing moment, but others just seem to 'trivial' if you get what I mean. I like the way you added the part about them guided Severus to the Shrieking Shack for a scare and Remus' reaction to that (though perhaps he would have been calling him 'Snivellus' instead of 'Snape? Don't know, just a hunch.)
Why does Remus leave a note on the kitchen counter of the Potters' house, if Mr. Potter has passed away? He would notice that straight away and James or Mrs. Potter telling him would have been far more believable.
His reaction to James' dead was very sad. I would have liked it if instead of saying "Damn you Wormtail" he would have said something like "I swear, Wormtail, if I ever get my hands on you, I'll kill you, if it's the last thing I'll ever do."
SPaG and such:
- "Just as his hand plunged into his grab to grab his own": the first 'grab' should be 'robe'.
- "Fudge have him prepared" should have a comma between 'Fudge' and 'have.
- "Its' edges" - "It's edges".
- "Around them waves crashed and rain pelted the water fitting, Sirius thought, for a trip to hell." There should be a stop after 'water' and a new phrase should begin at 'fitting'.
- "enterance" - "entrance"
- "order" should be capitalized, since it is a name
- "looked to Benjy" - "looked at Benjy"
- "one of Sirius friends" should have a possessive
- there should be a comma between "growled" and "eyes"
- "dementors" should be capitalized. They're despicable being, I know. But still.
- "dementer" - Dementor
- there should either be a stop or a comma after "shoes"
- "Sirius blanched" What's that supposed to mean?
- the repetition of "paced" in two following phrases is a bit too much
- there should be a comma between "elongated" and "turning"
- there should be a comma between "muttered" and "not"
- there should be a comma between "dog" and "he" (am I getting annoying already?)
- "his parents living room" should have a possessive
- "good riddnace" - "good riddance"
- "elevan" - "eleven"
- there should be a comma between "respond" and "then"
- "death eaters" should be capitalized
- "micheif" - "mischief"
- Muggle, Muggleborn, Mudblood: they should all be capitalized (though I'm in doubt about Mudblood since that's a derogative)
Ow, just one overall thing: If you're writing speech, there should be a comma instead of a stop before the closing crochets if the sentence continues. There should not be a capital.
So instead of: "I don't believe you." He said.
You should write: "I don't believe you," he said.
Okay, so wow, this must be like my longest and most detailed review EVER. I'm really liking the idea of it being one-shots about Sirius' imprisonment, since that is a period we know not much about. I'll do the next chapter tomorrow. will not be THIS detailed about other chapters and leave out all the SPaG-errors you could easily detect yourself by running your document through spelling-check. Typos can happen and no one is flawless (even after three rounds of spelling-check I still find typos in my stories sometimes!), but really, spelling-check could get the most of it.
| Pilko95 chapter 14 . 2/7/2012
This is a really good story. It's not a concept I really thought about before but it was brilliant. Keep writing.