|Reviews for A Sappy Mother 3 Love Story|
| Curimuch chapter 1 . 12/9/2011
Oops I accidentally reviewed chapter 1 under chapter 2. So this is a review for chapter 2 now. Also this review won't be as detailed as it once was because the window glitched while writing it kdfjg.
You need to add a comma to some lines.
"Although not many people realize it Boney, Lucas's pet dog, is the smartest inhabitant of Tazmilly Village." Into: Although not many people realize it, Boney, Lucas's pet dog, is the smartest inhabitant of Tazmilly Village.
And "Unfortunately since Boney was a dog,".
About the 'treated like a human being' line... While it could stay, I think Boney is rather proud of being the most intelligent dog ever and was probably smug about the neckbeard at DCMC's statement. (IF he was a dog he was the coolest dog ever.) So I think leaving the description of appreciating how Lucas and Kumatora acknowledged his intelligence is fine enough. You could also change 'human being' to "An equal" in place as well. Just some suggestions.
Imo the warning has got to go. It actually kills the joke, the following lines right under it. I still laughed but it did take away some of its impact. I think it's better to leave the evil book a mystery until you can do a surprise punchline that it was twilight. Like having a character read the title inquisitively, or reference a line from the book. The book been ragged on so hard lines would be very easy to recognize.
It's still pretty funny that Andonuts tried to warn the evils of it but couldn't be taken seriously so because of his past deeds.
"You don't even know what I' m also sure that you have no idea what I am saying right now, do you?' " What was this supposed to be? It looks like a massive error here.
You also need to separate the dialog between Duster, Boney, and Lucas at the end to be grammatically correct. The line about Kumatora and how long he spent in the forest is unneeded side data that could be shaved off to keep focus on Duster.
It's kind of funny that Tessie has a crush on Flint. It's actually pretty interesting too, even though I don't think you want to focus on that too much since you want to be more funny than drabby and long I guess? Either way good luck and all that.
| Curimuch chapter 2 . 12/9/2011
You know I find your stories really refreshing as well as pretty fun and cute. The writing is amateur but that doesn't take away the fact I smiled reading this because it is kinda funny and it feels like it shares the game's humor in a way. I feel like over time you can get better and continue to write good stories. There's things to improve on. I've never been a fan on highlighting when a flash back is occurring with asterisks(*). You can say something like, 'he thought back to this time', or even put an author note that italic is a flash back for future reference. I think the best bet is to describe him about to have a flash back to something and why.
In fact the flash back is fairly witten in your voice. Though you do go back into normal narration sometimes. One glaring example is 'I'll write about later' but that's okay because it's like a funny fourth wall moment. However, sometimes it can be poorly delivered so that's something to watch out for in the future. It felt like it really didn't need to be called a flash back, though.
I do like how you described Duster's decision to visit Lucas, because it's true haha.
| Porky2 chapter 1 . 7/23/2011
Good story so far. I liked the part where Duster bribed Kumatora and Fuel with Flint's omelet and it cause Kumatora to puke and Fuel to be unconscious out. Update soon.
| fiasonow chapter 1 . 7/13/2011
Ah, even Duster needs some love! Tessie too, she's not even one of the listed characters here sadly. Look forward to the next chapter!