|Reviews for Winter's Rush|
| Liakina chapter 1 . 8/31/2013
Please continue this story! I'm a big fan! And it's turning out sooo sweet! XD
| mimic shalle chapter 1 . 8/8/2011
Could you, I dunno, put more meat in the chapter? I mean, it's all a summary of narratives. Make your prose more descriptive, too, perhaps? Also, there's a lot going on in just one chapter.
Spending the night outside is not actually what you can call sensible when you have proper lodgings so nearby. It’s either you have a death wish or you’re insane when you do this, more so if it was winter. Do you want David and Emmy to turn into popsicles?
Do go back to paragraph four (4). I do believe you were confused with your pronouns. Unless Rush had someone with him, 'their' and 'they' has no business in that paragraph.
Questions that need to be addressed:
1. What mode of transport are they using here? Are they using an airship of some sort? It would be a herculean feat to travel from Athlum to Elysion in a matter of hours if they're using horses (or other animals indigenous to the world). Remember there are no more Remnants to aid them in traveling.
2. Shouldn't David be elated about the news of a Remnant sighting? Rush is a Remnant, it's possible that he's the Remnant that the tracker picked up or, if not, there's a chance that Rush would come back.
3. Tell me if I'm wrong, but is it not true that before the game ended Celapaleis had vanquished its hold on Athlum, and, by extension, David has now became a Duke?
4. Why can't Torgal personally confirm the identity of the 'cloaked body'? Is there something wrong with his eyes? And if the 'cloaked body' was injured shouldn't it be brought in on a stretcher? And why do they keep referring to it as cloaked body? Is the person dead?
5. How can Rush hear David if he's not awake? And, more importantly, how did Pagus know that Rush would be able to hear them when he's not awake? Wouldn’t it be more appropriate if Pagus just gave David a pat on the shoulder and say, “It will help.”?
Technicalities (this is only one out of the many things that I've spotted):
"...he (David) wandered slowly back to his room, changing his clothes."
What you might want to say: David wandered back to his room to change his clothes.
What the sentence (it's not even a proper sentence, mind you) actually says: David is changing his clothes while walking back to his room. Hot? Yes. Proper? No.
| MsSupreme chapter 1 . 8/4/2011
awwww im glad rush is back :) dave can cheer up again :)
its realy good that you made rush bound to david :) no something ive read before and i really like it XD
pdate soon please?
il give you a cookie ;)
| JadenEspara chapter 1 . 7/26/2011
This story looks really promising
Hope to see more chapters xD
| reiynex chapter 1 . 7/18/2011
I really enjoyed it! I don't get why there aren't more TLR fics out there to be honest. Overall, I loved this, it was informative, and I loved the length of the first chapter. Your vocabulary is large, larger than mine is, I think.
Although, I did notice a few spelling errors, but nothing too big. Oh, and near the end, was Rush supposed to call David 'David'? Cause, I think during the whole game, I don't think Rush ever called Dave by his actual name…
Keep it up! Can't wait for the next chapter!