|Reviews for On The Line of Battle|
| Jammer69er chapter 5 . 10/9/2011
The end? If so, then it seemed a little abrupt, but I guess that you could say that every battle in the 41st Millenium has its own story associated with it, and it is left wide open for a follow-up with the suggestion the rest of the planet still needs to be freed from Chaos control.
And I just knew that Koll's squad would be using the Shadowsword to take down those Titans when they hijacked it last chapter- the Shadowsword is regarded as a titan-killer, after all. The chapter was pretty decent, again, though you could do with splitting up some of the larger paragraphs into smaller ones (for instance, starting new paragraphs when a new character enters a conversation or something new appears, etc.), as it can be a little hard to read through big blocks of words and letters (I do at least). Either way, it was a decent go at a first fanfic on the site. I hope we get to see more of your stuff in the future.
| Jammer69er chapter 4 . 9/26/2011
Hey there, been reading this for a while, so thought I might as well drop a review at least and give you my thoughts on the fic so far.
Mainly, it's a pretty good read, plenty of action and chaos, just like how I'd imagine it would be for an Imperial Guardsmen on the frontline on one of the countless battlefields in the galaxy, though there are a couple of things that I feel as though don't adhere fully to the universe: like for instance at the start, one of Koll's squad puts down his copy of the Uplifting Primer as a wager for their card game (the last copy between the company in fact), but the Imperial Guard Codex states that any Imperial Guardsmen who couldn't produce his copy of that book on request would be shot on the spot, so I seriously doubt any guardsmen with a few brain cells to rub together would put them down in a card game so readily.
And as someone else pointed out, most guardsmen don't readily know about what kind of Daemonic forces that a Chaos army could call upon, as that would make the Inquisition suspicious- unless of course this regiment has battled daemons beforehand, and have prior knowledge of what forces they can call upon, which may have been a good point to bring into the story, just to give a little extra background on the Kragar Regiments- such as any old enemies they always fight against, famous victories, their battle doctrines, etc.
Don't let all this get you down though- I appreciate it's your first fanfic, and I do enjoy reading it- I'm just of the view that everyone can always improve and work on their writing technique as they progress with their stories. So keep it up.
| Treymane chapter 1 . 8/1/2011
Well written but a little hard to follow toward the end due to the volume of names being thrown around.
I would also recommend using some sort of break when you change character perspecctives. Line breaks or * * * work well.
Not bad at all for a first story.
| Pixo chapter 1 . 7/21/2011
Not bad for a first fanfic. Not bad at all! You've written a fast-paced, action packed short. Very warhammer. Good characters. However, you haven't really told us much about who they are, and as it's almost all action, there isn't much time for character development. The development they do have seems out of place, ie; they seem pretty well versed in the forces of the Archenemy (all that talk of Demon Princes and whatnot. I don't the Inquisition would approve of that). Also, don't let your heroes win every fight (or get saved by other characters/deus ex machina), you should let them get their teeth kicked-in every now and then. That will make the reader sympathetic to their plight.
If you're looking to increase the drama of the story, make sure you split the point-of-view regularly. For that to work, you will need to use the line-break option when formatting the story, this will help keep the separate scenes distinctive. To break up the battle-crazed aspect of the story, you could write about troopers not on the battle-line; maybe frantic medics at the field hospital, or harried vox-ops at the comms tent, or indifferent senior officers aboard a starship, directing the battle like they were playing chess. Anything that gives the reader a rest and provides a greater picture to what the protagonist are doing.
Finally, keep writing. You really should, your tone your writing style are smooth and easy, and very readable. You just need to turn this short battle-sequence into a proper (short) story. If you need help with anything, just give me a shout, I'd be happy to assist.