|Reviews for The Gift Of The Cherry Blossoms|
| Purple Poodle chapter 4 . 7/24/2011
WOAH! It's a great story! You should update soon. I think you'll be a great author. You also use nice(?) words. THUMBS UP!
| Neophyte's Serendipity chapter 3 . 7/19/2011
I can still see some things you needed to improve on when it comes to the technical aspect. I already made a critique on that part, so I won't do it again. If you want me to help you out with that, just drop me a message. :)
Part Two: Characterization and Point of View
Since this is Natsume's POV, I admit that this would tend to be difficult.
The tone was bland, and was not suitable to Natsume's character.
You have not used all the unique aspects a first-person point of view could give. In a first-person point of view, you could inject the opinions, thoughts, feelings of the chracter that is narrating. You didn't do that. It might be better if you have opted to use the third-person point of view instead.
The letter was not in line with Mikan's character, especially if you consider she is already in that situation which she says she is.
"You're the only one idiot, I thought" interjection of thought in the letter was not wise. It was confusing. I only realized what you were trying to do after the third reading.
referring to chapter 2, I don't think Narumi is one who would "scream". you were putting in too much of his being gay (though he is not) in Natsume's narration. Natsume does not think Narumi's gay, he only says it in an attempt to show his dislike of the teacher.
She had only a small part so I could not say much. She was being cold Hotaru, but I think some of your description has gone overboard.
*Again, I know this might hurt. I get hurt when someone points out my mistakes for me as well. But, please, don't let this bring you down. I hope you do not misunderstand my intentions.
These are just my opinions, so feel free to tell me if you disagree with me.
I hope I am of help.
Keep writing, Keyheart! :)
| Neophyte's Serendipity chapter 2 . 7/19/2011
Okay, the critique
Part 1: Technical Aspect (grammar, word choice, bold, italics, etc.)
"clear, glassy colour eyes" - word choice. colour may not be what you intended to say here.
"A knocking on the door was heard" - passive voice. I suggest using the active voice, to incorporate the 'presentness' (i know, not a word) in the action
"rammed open" - word choice. not may not be what you intended to say. I only figured what you were trying to describe when i read the next sentence (the splinters).
" to stop the dust and debris from lingering my ability to doge the infamous invention; The Baka Gun." - word choice (lingering), spelling (doge) and punctuation (invention; The Baka Gun).
by "lingering", were you meaning to say, "to avoid" or something similar?
doge - dodge
invention; The Baka Gun : invention - The Baka Gun.
"I saw there was no presence" - rephrase please, kind of awkward and inappropriate
"Hyuuga I heard you danced with Mikan." - punctuation. Use a comma after the name of the person addressed.
"Who said I did Imai?" - comma please (same follows for the suceeding paragraphs)
Hotaru didn't answer me, only glanced at my best friend. - try adding, "and instead"
He averted his azure eyes away from my piercing crimson ones. - i think the description was unnecessary and overdone.
Ruka, that was low. - try un-italicizing it instead of bolding it
"Where did you get that from Hyuuga" -again, the bold was unnecessary (and the punctuation here too)
Hastily I jumped off. -sentence constrution. put the adverb after the verb. I jumped off hastily. This is more suitable because of the action.
The next day I walked to class via shadows. - lack of transition. Please input transition paragraphs or line breaks to show the passage of time
I heard a scream from the gay teacher; Narumi. - punctuation. comma should have done the job.
I was disgusted by his behavior and considered my chances of running down the hall to some save place. - sentence construction and spelling.
"Oh no you don't my dear dear Natsume-kun," - again the unnecessary bold.
"Inwardly shivering, I scurried to my seat, but created a barrier to protect myself from the fan-girls." -sentence construction
exploded inwardly. - ?
*note: this is clearly the technical aspect. Please do not let this bring you down. I was only suggesting some points to improve on.
I commend some of your word choice. I can see the effort in putting it in an artistic way.
If you want to know more why I give this kind of review, check my profile, please. :)
Don't think I'm flaming you - I'm not.
Flamers would discourage you for writing.
Concritters would point out your mistakes, suggest tips on how to improve them, and would encourage you to write more when they see the potential.
I see the potential in you, so keep writing, okay? :)
I'm looking forward to your future writing.
| Neophyte's Serendipity chapter 1 . 7/18/2011
Nice beginning for a fanfic. this is a prologue, isn't it?
I can see the effort you put into describing them artistically.
I'll check the next chapters to be able to give a more useful comment, hm? :)
| pinkpocket23 chapter 4 . 7/15/2011
Soo awesome lol! I like your writing style a whole lot keyheart!
I look forward to more, and hope that your computer gets better..that sucks huh?
pinkpocket23 "hearts" this!