|Reviews for Song of the Siren|
| Paragraphs chapter 1 . 7/23/2014
Also, sorry for the long review! It was meant as constructive criticism, and I want to intimate that it sounds a lot more biting and condescending than I meant it to be. My nuclear family included a very avid reader, journalist and editor, thus I respond in a similar way she would respond to me if I wrote something akin to this.
And I think you could do something amazing with this, so ignore the anger you might read out of the previous review. It doesn't exist.
| Paragraphs chapter 5 . 7/23/2014
You're writing is very colorful, and rather enticing. However, the structure is rather confusing; as in the structure of perspective and the paragraphs' almost nonexistent substance. In writing a two to three sentence paragraph, the story telling experiences a choppy and alienating effect. It is both disconcerting and confusing. If you were to expand the writing into longer paragraph length it would become more apparent, the transition from a character's perspective to another is to what I am referring. This longer paragraph length would also allow for more descriptions with your colorful language that would bring the world to life, and create a cohesive story-telling experience. I understand that the medium of communication of the story begs for shorter paragraph length, but this is too good a story to let suffer from a choppy execution!
It would also be pleasant if you used the character's names more. This adds to the choppy reading experience, and prevents the easy digestion of the scene. Readers are lazy by nature -speaking from that perspective- and require that all the information be fed to them, which includes who is saying what and with what expression.
There is also a small clarification I would appreciate -I am unsure of whether this is a plot point at this distinct time- of whether the song that the siren sings is in English, or some foreign language. It could be the effect of the compilation of words being separate paragraphs of their own, or that I am unclear whether these are the emotions he received from the music... In either case, I am confused as to their purpose in the story. Again, if this is a plot point, it's an awesome one! If it isn't one, however, it's confusing.
Otherwise this is a very entertaining story, and I cannot wait for the next chapters!
P.S. I LOVE your vocabulary; it's what makes the story so vivid for me!
| Melian Elengaer chapter 5 . 1/29/2014
I've been obsessed with that video for god knows how long and now I found it's "fic-ed"! Will you continue this? I love it
| Lynn chapter 5 . 10/8/2013
Yay! Thanks for updating and keep up the awesome work
| NarikotheShadow chapter 2 . 4/1/2013
Sorry my phone messed up... Anyways where was I? Oh yeah! Please oh please! Write a Peter Pan and Jim fan fiction! Please!
| NarikotheShadow chapter 1 . 4/1/2013
| Guest chapter 4 . 9/17/2012
please write some more!
| Fakiru chapter 4 . 8/21/2012
I love that video! It has lead me to your story. Now I must know what happenes! What happens?!
| Guest chapter 4 . 8/8/2012
pllllllllllllleeeeeeeeeeeeee eeaaaaaaaaaaaassssssssssssse eeeeeeeeeeeeee finish!
| TallyWolfmantra chapter 4 . 6/29/2012
OOOH... things are getting good! Can't wait for the rest of the chapters :D
| LoveAndHeartbreak chapter 4 . 6/29/2012
I'm very happy to see another chapter of this glorious story you got going here. This chapter is amazing, and I'm curious as to what outcome happens for Jim and his mother... He's now going to have a half-sibling huh? :)
I'm digging that part, but now I want to see how you get Jim to find the siren. I'm sure it will feel like a journey with the way you write. Keep it up, I'll be waiting as patiently as I can :D
| Eva Maverx chapter 4 . 6/28/2012
Almost screamed when I saw you updated, so happy :) Once again, looove your writing style, its so rich. I love the details you took with Jims mother. Can't wait for your next chapter
| Guest chapter 1 . 6/28/2012
| Eva Maverx chapter 3 . 6/9/2012
I just watched the video on youtube, jumped when I saw the link for this and read it all as fast as I could. You write creative and wonderfully, need to give yourself more credit. I was sad to see you havn't touched this in quite a while. I'm hoping you'll pick it up again. I may know how its going to end (if you do exactly as the video, and even then if you don't I know I'll happily read whatever you give us) but I really want to read it in your words. I sincerly hope you pick this up again, if not I'll live, miserably but still live lol till then I'll be checking everyday to see if you update :)
| Islaythejabberwokky chapter 1 . 4/7/2012
First LoveAndHeartbreak's incredible video, now THIS? I may actually start liking JimxAriel! Man, I wish I could write like you!
I love how you're keeping more to the original Treasure Island facts rather than Disney's version; it definitely helps the spacey concepts from getting too tangled in the mix. XD
You tell it like it's a legitimate book; I really hope you continue!