|Reviews for Unheard Love|
| skullswithlures chapter 1 . 2/22/2013
can you make a Litwick/Snivy one with a male litwick and female snivy pretty much the only people i've seen even mention it are a few comments on deviantart
| LobsterSexual chapter 5 . 2/4/2012
This story is awesome! For once-upon-a-very-rare-time, there are very few mispelled words and correct grammar! Also, the pairings in here are quite nice...
Oh yeah, could you please make a DialgaXArceus chapter? I never see anyone (except myself) ship that pairing... and that pairing is my favorite too :'(
Anyways, can't wait until the next shipping!
| Storylover Vodhr- Dux Ducis chapter 5 . 2/3/2012
really poetic. Nice!
Hope you have a happy valentines day!
| olihmajor chapter 5 . 2/3/2012
D'aww :') Thanks for this chapter~ It was really fun to read and emotional :3 Hooray _
| Stolloss chapter 3 . 9/8/2011
As I've already said, this one was much more enjoyable than the others. I could immediately tell how Ghetsis and Darkrai felt. They were burning with anger. Pryce sounded like confusion, maybe boredom thrown in as well, but it wasn't clear. Looker was reading, and Misty was humming, both ambiguous situations. For those three, I had to read further to begin to understand them. With Ghetsis, I knew what was going on in his mind before the first sentence even ended. I understood these two. I could see them laughing, plotting, and talking, not just doing it but feeling it. The whole idea of two villains just kicking back and planning world domination together in their prison world just made me smile. This was a good one.
All of that said, I suggest finding a beta reader. You have a few people pointing out mistakes and improvements in reviews, but a beta reader (who knows what they are doing) is the best option for catching and fixing these, aside from a good spell-check.
There is one section I am confused about. "...a suggestion from both of them uniting to eliminate the ones who took them down brought them together brought up their spirits somewhat." Who was the suggestion from? The "both of them" seems to bind to the word uniting, leaving that from dangling there without anyone for the suggestion to come from. Or, they both suggested it, which I doubt, because both of them having the same idea at the same time is unlikely. Also, the sentence generally needs to be cleaned up, since there is nothing between together and brought when there should be an and or something similar.
As Indi said, it was confusing to try and figure out who was talking when. Darkrai's monologue, with all those he's and she's in her introduction to the story, was the hardest to decipher, since the story had just been about Ghetsis. While an option, adding horizontal lines between each section would be annoying in itself, given that you switch very quickly between them. This problem obviously went away when you stopped swapping between the two.
Unless you're writing from the POV of someone who is uncertain, or you want to raise the possibility of confusion, don't write uncertainly. "...a trait that seemed to unify the two..." Did it unify them or not? The rest of the story says it did, and raising the question doesn't seem to add much, while it does take away from the strength of the section. There was another part where you said "she... basically had him banished." He is angry, there is no doubt in his mind she is to blame. There is no "basically" about it, and it weakened the crescendo you were reaching.
Something that I've noticed is that you have a lot of paragraphs, even in the midst of connected thoughts. The last seven paragraphs here were all single sentences. If they are separate ideas, expand on them; you have room. If they are not separate ideas, why are they physically separate? Paragraphs are used to group similar ideas together and physically show when something is changing.
| Stolloss chapter 1 . 9/8/2011
I'm wondering how much you really wanted to write this, or if it was something you just did for the sake of it. It's a question I normally wouldn't ask, but I could not help thinking this as I read through. There is a lot of structural repetition, each sentence beginning with "[The] subject verb..." almost without exception, but I did not feel much linking the story together behind the scenes. Very little emotion, no purpose to the story that made itself known through the words. It may very well have been there, but all I saw were actions, and nothing of the ones making them. Extrapolate. Show us their personalities and thoughts through what they do.
The second and fourth felt similar, but the third did not. That one, I rather enjoyed. I might give that one its own review. As a side note, I've taken a look at WYMTM, and I did not see this problem there, so I'm admittedly confused as to why it came up here.
Glancing at what other reviewers have said, I seem to be in the definite minority in this. Still, I suggest you look into whether there was anything off here.
| Compass Indigo chapter 4 . 8/31/2011
I'll start by saying that I generally don't read crack pairings, or any shippings for that matter, but these have kinda turned me toward the idea, so I might end up searching crack pairings at some point... For the moment, I'll rest content with reading these pleasantly written ones.
Chapter One: Pryce/Dragonite
This was adorable. There is simply no other word for it. The premise was a rings a bit off to my ears, since it'd be difficult for a broken-winged being born under Draco to reach Mahogany in the first place, but it didn't detract much from the story. I cringed when the Dragonite dragged Pryce through the cave though; for an old man, that would hurt a lot. The icicles' falling was a tad overdone, but like the premise, it didn't detract from the story. Regardless, it was a fluffy crack pair with good concept and great execution.
Keep a sharp eye on your commas; they may be great tools, but one of these days I'll have to write a crack pairing between you and commas, since you love them so. ;) Another thought is that sometimes your adjectives don't match with what they modify, and wording can occasionally read a little skewed.
Chapter Two: Looker/Tropius
Looker never really seemed to be very involved in my Platinum. He'd run up, run away, and sometimes say "Good job!" This gives him so much more of a character, and that drew me in. Characterization was well-done, if different from the International Police officer we all know. This version of Looker seemed much more realistic to me, considering the button on his desk and the way he sighed. Not quite the noir style of the 1930s, but pleasant nonetheless for his human side. I'll admit I was slightly creeped out when he ate Tropius' bananna, but it does make sense. Fitting her into the building might be a bit hard, but the concept here was good.
Again, there were a few awkwardly worded sentences, such as in that highlighted report (why was that in the trash?), and the word "galactic" wasn't capitalized when referencing the gang, but that's about it for this one. One or two word usage problems, but I could really only nitpick here.
Chapter Three: Ghetsis/Darkrai
This one was intiguing, since I haven't played Black/White yet; hopefully I haven't spoiled the storyline for myself. Anyways, a pairing of two villains... I thought that this was different, and didn't really hit me as much as the others did. Probably due to my lack of info on Ghetsis, but I was also kept confused throughout the fic as to who was talking and where they were, owing to the constantly changing points of view. It isn't that great of a problem, but line dividers would help to sort things out.
Descriptions and negative connotations and words helped to slam home that these characters truly weren't good people. Some of the adjectives didn't seem
to fit with the word they modified, such as "dark conquer" at the end. There were a couple redundant phrases as well, such as "The both of them held deep-seated anger towards those they hated, a trait that seemed to unify the two."
They laughed away their days of banishment with plans of revenge, dreams of taking over worlds and nations, [mocking their banishers for their carelessness instead of getting rid of them], and general ideas of dark conquer.
This section seemed a tad vague as well. Understandable, but vague. Also, comma watch. Still, good focus and characterizing, if much shorter than the others.
Chapter Four: Misty/Garchomp
Out of the four you have up, this one is by far the most plot-oriented and fleshed out in terms of the world your characters exist and interact in. The three Cerulean sisters are flat characters, and each is dumb as a post, but they aren't the main focus, so it doesn't matter in this case. (Plus they're pretty one-dimensional anyway.) The Garchomp swimming was a shock, since they are land sharks (Ground-type, that is), and how it entered to gym was an unanswered question everyone was asking.
Misty stared at the land (Irony at it's best, she thought) shark, and remarked, "So… You're the shark my sisters told me to get."
Here I'd suggest moving the parenthesesed portion to just behind "land shark," instead of in the middle, since it interrupts the story's flow, and dulls the impact of the remark.
Misty stared for a bit at the retreating pokemon until realizing he had "tagged" her it.
This is one of those awkwardly worded sentences I keep mentioning, mostly owing to the last five words.
Right off the bat, I noticed a caps lock running. I generally recomend against all capitals, since it attracts far more attention than it ought. It may show that the girls are shouting, but it draws the eyes of a reader from the middle of the previous paragraph to see what the caps say. It interrupts the flow of the story, me' thinks...
In conclusion, all four of these proved to be a pleasant read, and I hope you keep it up. :)
| SugarPesticide chapter 4 . 8/29/2011
Ahhh this is late. I'm sorry D: The beginning of school is always too hectic.
[Misty stared at the land (Irony at it's best, she thought) shark,]
It'd probably be better if the parenthetical part came after "land shark", instead of splitting it up. For better flow, you know.
[She swam off after the garchomp, swimming through obstacles as the two played an underwater game of tag, Mist having more fun than she had in weeks.]
There's a Y missing from her name.
["It's nice to have some fun again. I almost forgot how to fun, if you can believe that."]
How to have fun ...?
I liked this one. It manages to be cute even with a badass shark in it. Although the fridge logic of what a Garchomp was doing in the gym in the first place nags me a bit, but it's not a big deal really. I still quite liked it. Yay sharks _
| An Anime Fangirl chapter 4 . 8/24/2011
WHY DO YOU HATE ON SHARPEDO MAN?
Sorry, I just love that shark. Anything Third Gen is boss. *Shot*
Anyway, all of these were super cute in their own way, but I loved Ghetsis x Darkrai. Sheer prefection on that one. XD
Mind if I gave you a couple or two? I have some WEIRD shippings...
*Clicks all the boxes*
| R0xas 666 chapter 4 . 8/21/2011
This one was funny, ch2 was kinda cute, ch3 was weird, ch1 was... umm, hold on... much like ch2, but more touching than 2 was.
Garchomp seems like he is going to be like Misty's Gyarados, an odd POkemon for her to have, but a loyal warrior nonetheless.
| Storylover Vodhr- Dux Ducis chapter 4 . 8/21/2011
Nice. very shark weekish, even if it has missed shark week by a week. (P)
great chapter, and I hope you continue on this great writing streak.
| MilodicMellodi1 chapter 3 . 8/21/2011
awesome evil chapter!
| Luraila chapter 1 . 8/21/2011
Request-ness! -excitement derp face-
Magikarp(Splashy) and Feebas(Flaily) Magikarp's the boy and Feebas is the girl. Crack shipping plz xD I keep laughing over the thought of two fish have their own ship XD
| perfect oblivion chapter 4 . 8/21/2011
Used my idea again. Okay so I forced you to do it. Anyways, review time. Cute, fun, and obviousely rushed. It was good and all, but it could have been better if more effort was put in and more time used. All in all, I give it 3 stars. It passes, but it could have been better.
| olihmajor chapter 4 . 8/21/2011
MistyGarchomp, nice. I like how you described Misty's sister's personality changes. We also don't know how Misty feels when Ash goes off to Sinnoh, so filling in that gap was a good tie to the 'real' world. The Three Sensational Sisters are going to get some kind of surprise...
Oh, you forgot to take 'Misty/Garchomp' out of your Author's note.