|Reviews for Bleach pocky game tournament|
| AzNgirl2289 chapter 1 . 7/31/2013
This is mostly about u (me) its boring me I thought it was about couples like toshiro and momo or rukia and ichigo
| Shinigami School Girl chapter 1 . 7/19/2011
So before you read my review any further hun, just want to let you know this review is to help you and encourage you. :)
First off this story lacks a plot. It really doesn't have a purpose and isn't very descriptive. You use a dialogue approach which can make the reader feel that you were too lazy to think of a real story and add detail.
Here's how you can fix those mistakes:
Think of a story. A real story.
For example, maybe your story will be an AU (alternate universe) and let’s say, for example, some of the characters engage in a game of truth or dare, but one of the dares has extreme consequences.
That makes a story. Let's say Toshiro has a huge crush on Momo, he's invited to a party where they have truth or dare, and he gets a dare to kiss Momo, but at the last second, he freaks out and leaves. Toshiro leaving gives Momo the wrong impression that he doesn't like her at all, when she can't be farther from the truth. See what I mean? That's a story hun.
So throughout this story you use a script dialogue. It's not the greatest choice when writing a story. Here's how much of difference there is between script and actually being descriptive.
Toshiro:*goes emo* Umm why me and I am definitely not gay so I choosed a girl.
Going "emo" does not tell the reader how Toshiro is feeling. Plus, people define emo differently then others. Some might find it offensive to use the term "emo" as it is constantly referred to people who cut themselves or are depressed. Emo, in my opinion, is a sad stereotype. Not to mention the whole statement is out of character for Toshiro. I think Toshiro has enough confidence in himself that he does not need to go telling people he's not gay. Toshiro is very respectful and mature and wouldn't make such an immature comment.
So to fix it Say:
Toshiro shot a cold glare at Naomi, his eyebrows furrowed and a scowl formed on his face. Knowing how persistent Naomi was, however, Toshiro sighed and mumbled his pick. "I choose...Momo."
Here the reader can picture what Toshiro looks like and how he’s feeling.
Another thing I noticed is something that many, not all, but many in the fanfiction community dislike.
You insert yourself and use OC's. Self-inserts are against rules, and not many people in the fanfiction community like or appreciate self inserts. Self Inserts and OC's often fit into the term Mary-sue ( A character that is absolutely perfect with no flaws and everyone likes her) and that can be an absolute turn off to readers. Not to mention, people aren't interested in a fan's crazy fantasy of them being in the world of their favorite anime or manga.
So make sure you do not insert yourself in any future stories hun. It's not only a turn off, but against the rules. As for OC's, characters you create, that is allowed but, not many people can pull it off. I’ve seen people create OC’s that enhance the story so well. But 99% of them end up being Mary-sue or don’t serve any purpose in the story.
Lastly, I recommend getting a BETA-reader. It’ll make all the difference and you’ll feel more confident in your writing skills. Remember, when you put a fanfic out, it’s not just to entertain yourself, but more importantly the reader.
Anyhow, just work on your mistakes and you’ll be fine :)
| Jigokuchou-chan chapter 1 . 7/19/2011
I'd love to co-host! : D ...Code name: Shizuka Hagiyama ...Personality: Crazy wacky girl who will attack, glomp, or chomp anybody, no matter how life threatening it may be... X3 Shes in love with Yumichika, in a feral way, so she will beat you to a pulp if you look at him for too long... She may go into "Ninja Mode" at times, and act like a ninja... She should never be given a chainsaw... Or scissors... Or a paperclip... Ever! O_O ...She also loves torturing ppl ((physically and emotionally)) just for the heck of it... And she never cusses... Only makes up random phrases to fill in the space... Like "shnitzle bunnies", "darn rabbits", "flying pickle on a motorcycle",etc... X3 ...pweez consider...
1. I dare Ichigo to dye his hair white, and act like Hitsugaya-taicho for the whole chapter...
2. I dare Ulquiorra and Grimm-kitty to dress up like maids and tend to everyones demands
3. I dare Yoruichi ((in cat form)) to be locked in a room with a sugar-high Yachiru
DX sorry... I've been reading alot of T or D fics, so I'm out of new ideas right now... TT~TT