|Reviews for Silly Schoolgirl Crushes|
| Morghen chapter 1 . 12/24/2011
Believability: 3/5. I just didn’t really feel the attraction between the two characters. It just seemed like Penelope felt that Emmeline was pretty, but didn’t show that her feelings were more than a schoolgirl crush despite the title.
Grammar/etc: 7/10. I didn’t notice any spelling mistakes, but the sentences felt choppy to me. Some short sentences do make stories stronger, but I felt that the usage of semi-colons would have done this fic well.
Flow: 2/4. Like I said before, the flow of the story felt choppy because of the short sentences. Also, the last few sentences had a forced feeling that made them seem a bit out of place.
Creativity: 3/5. It felt kind of flat and not overly creative, to tell you the truth.
Likeability: 0/1. I’m sorry, but I can’t give the point for this. I just wasn’t really feeling this.
Overall: 15/25. I didn’t feel a lot of connection with the characters and parts of it felt forced. Sorry…
| mew-tsubaki chapter 1 . 12/24/2011
Ah, desire, sweet desire.
Believability: 3/5. While the set-up was perfectly understandable, I have a hard time believing that someone like Penny would've really stopped in such situation to check out the object of her affections.
Grammar/etc.: 8/10. "Bodies were laying…" should be "Bodies were lying…" "Laying" is the present participle of the transitive verb "to lay," and transitive verbs take direct objects. Lie vs. Lay was something I even mentioned (in the 1st competition post) that can cause trouble, so I've taken 2 points since you didn't check.
Creativity: 3/5. The post-war scenario has a lot of potential, especially since Penny's eye spied Emmeline before. But I think it was too underdeveloped, even for a drabble.
Flow: 4/5. Smooth, but had an abrupt stop.
Likeability: 0/1. I was interested in a story you could've told, but—as I mentioned above—this should have been more developed, more thought out.
Total: 18/25. I truly believe you could have done more with them in the month you had. I would love to see you expand on this idea, though!
| XxXRegretXxX chapter 1 . 12/13/2011
Aw. Poor Penelope. Though it seems a bit odd that she would be thinking about this during the battle.
Great job! Keep up the good work! :)
| Macbeth Mouse chapter 1 . 9/28/2011
Short, sweet, and to the point; I like it! The second-person point-of-view made me stray away from this little ficlette at first, but the oddness of the pairing is what kept drawing me back in.
In less than 300 words, you have said a lot about both of the characters. It's astounding one can understand someone's wonder and hope in such a short piece.
All in all, good job!
| selenehekate chapter 1 . 9/19/2011
Wow, the opening of this story was incredibly dark, and I liked it. The details you included were perfect for this story, and I almost wanted more at the end - and this pairing is certainly NOT my favorite, so props to you for making me want to read more! Great job!
| Rising From The Flames chapter 1 . 8/5/2011
This was a little bit short. You definitely got the point across, and I understood completely what was going on, but I was left wanting more; more description and more story. Still, it was well written. The tense became a little strange and forced in the last two sentences, especially the very last one. I'm sure why, but I think it has to do with the wording, and also that, based on context, my mind is wanting to read those sentences in present tense. But that could just be me. :P
Great job! :D
| Lavinia Swire chapter 1 . 7/23/2011
I think it's really interesting that this is unrequited - you write Penelope's feelings very effectively and this could make a great multi-chapter fic. Please write more for this couple, you do it so well!
| yellow 14 chapter 1 . 7/21/2011
Very nice. I love the way you made it appear very onesided, a schoolgirl infatuation with an older woman. Keep updating
| FlyingPigMonkey chapter 1 . 7/21/2011
I think this could easily be made into a story! You could really feel Penelope's need for Emmeline :)