|Reviews for Fallen Angels|
| Neo-byzantium chapter 9 . 7/17/2012
So Shido got his students drunk, is now openly stating the creation of his new "society", has declared his intent to evict anyone who goes against the "interests" of the group AND is trying to get Toshio and Fumiko together? Curiouser and curiouser... Shido's one smooth bastard, isn't he? He's figured out that the key to controlling Toshio/Miura and keeping him in the group is through Fumiko/Taniuchi. If Shido can succeed in helping get them into a romantic relationship of some kind, then Toshio will definitely become even more loyal to Shido out of gratitude.
In regards to Momo/Kawamoto, based on her and Fumiko's making out in the bus orgy in the manga and anime along with her dislike towards Toshio, I'm guessing that she has the hots for Fumiko and sees Toshio as a romantic rival of sorts. Still, given that they warmed up a bit towards each other and since Shido has stated how they shouldn't be bound by the rules of the "old world" any longer, perhaps Toshio, Fumiko and Momo should have a three way relationship with each other. That way, they all get something they want and no one's feelings are hurt, heh heh.
So Yamada was sober and witnessed what REALLY went down with the booze, eh? Interesting. Yamada's starting to drift away from the rest of the group which ended up getting him killed in the anime and manga but Fumiko and Momo along with Toshio see this and want to bond with him. That's nice of them. I'd imagine that Fumiko might blame herself for not being able to form a bridge of trust and cooperation with Saya and the others as well as for Rei and Takashi leaving the bus as she was the first to support Shido becoming leader and wants to keep Yamada from going down the same path, quite sweet of her.
| Berserker216 chapter 8 . 6/3/2012
You made Kurokami's dad a cop, huh? Hey, it works. Tsunoda's reason for hating Takashi aren't what I had in mind, but like Toshio/Miura said, its not the complete story. When I first read this chapter, it felt like I could feel what the boys were feeling: pure fear. You did an excellent job with the horror aspects of this chapter. I'm looking forward to the next update.
| Neo-byzantium chapter 1 . 2/5/2012
On an added note to my last review, based on how you've written your character, I don't see him willingly tossing Yamada out or laughing at him as he's killed by a zombie unless something MAJOR happens given how he seems to have some doubts about Shido. I could see him confessing to Fumiko/Taniuchi and then they have sex in the orgy. He may even spring for a threesome between him, Fumiko and Momo.
Since Fumiko/Taniuchi's laughing cruelly at Yamada is out of character for her kind personality (unless she's truly corrupted), in order to keep her kind, you could have her (and Momo/Kawamoto if you want) only do it to avoid being tossed off the bus too and perhaps because they don't want Shido to hate them given how they idolize him. Those are good reasons to "go with the flow" but if you take my suggestion, then have it so they and your character feel guilty afterwards for their acting job...
| Berserker216 chapter 7 . 2/5/2012
Great chapter! Nice develpment that you gave Tsunoda and Kurokami and about their relationship with Toshio. I also like how Kuro (parden the nickname) was depicted as a shut in movie fanatic (that would explain the dialated eyes). Here's some friendly suggestions:
Shido is right to the letter (though I'm curious as to why you skipped the scene where he hugged Fumiko and Momo during that anime-only scene from anime ep 4, though Toshio was probably in dreamland at that point). Nice work with him so far.
Tsunoda is just how I'd imagined him to be as well. I recall in a PM you sent me that you'd elaborate on why he hates Takashi this chapter, but I saw no sign of it. Please include it next chapter! I'd also like to see another thing with him and Yuki.
Yuki is quite the slut, like she is depicted in the manga and anime. Like that other reviewer said, we need to know more about her and Shio-kun's period of dating.
Kurokami, I feel, needs more of a backstory to figure out how he became so...weird.
Momo and Fumiko (their real names are Kawamoto and Taniuchi respectively, according to the databook released last year) seem to be how I imagined them (though Momo was slightly off from what I expected). Wonder how Shio will react when they become lesbians during the orgy bus?
The guy you named Toshio Ozaki (after the main character from Shiki?) his real name according to the databook is Miura. Look on the HOTD wiki if you don't believe me. I think it would be interesting to see how much more corrupt he and the other kids become as they are further influenced by Shido. As I said before: what would his (and all of the other followers reactions) be to the "freetime" that Shido let's or makes them take part in?
We pretty much know about Yamada's fate, still it be nice to see more development of his character before he bites it.
Wonder what Shio, Tsunoda, and Kurokami will find on their search for supplies and what Shido intends to let them do with it. Considering what he's like, I'd doubt he'd just let them do what they please with it. Anyways, hope for another update soon!
| Neo-byzantium chapter 7 . 2/3/2012
Pretty good fic so far. I've been looking for a HOTD fanfic like this ever since I started watching the series. While I still hate Shido, I'm interested in his teenage followers and wish very much for them to survive especially the girls.
Fumiko (the girl with the glasses and long hair in pigtails) is how I pictured her to be based on her appearance and demeanor in the anime/manga when she isn't watching "traitors" die. I just hope that your OC character can save her and the other teens from Shido provided he avoids falling under his corrupt influence.
About how they all fall for Shido's influence, the girls clearly have crushes on him while the guys look for someone who'll keep their butts safe from the zombies. They aren't a mindless mob or brain dead idiots, just love crazy or desperate is all.
As for your character's little spat with Saya over her attitude and for upsetting Fumiko with her frank (but well intended) opinions, I can see why he'd think of Saya as a bitch.
Anyhow, keep up the good work.
| Anime Borat chapter 5 . 1/25/2012
A great story. Gives an inside view about how one student joins Shido's group.
| Anime Borat chapter 2 . 1/11/2012
"If you're going through hell, keep going."
-Winston Churchill. Great story. I've made my first review.
| DC20 chapter 6 . 11/25/2011
Done. All six current chapters down, and I'm still really enjoying this story. In fact, even more now that they're on the bus and the story is picking up. As I said, I really loved the part of the story about the Shido bus cult, and it's great to see that they've been given faces here. In the manga they were kind of a faceless, stupid mob - I'm glad to see they've been made characters here.
In fact, you've got some great character work in this overall, and that continues to be one of your strong points. Especially with the main character. First person is a great PoV, and you used it well here. It keeps us within the character's frame of mind, and you don't stray from that. There were a good number of points where we get the character's thought that I was really impressed with. One that really stuck out to me was the last full paragraph of Chapter 2 ("I did what my instinct told me..."). That whole paragraph really got into what he was thinking and feeling, and was a great snapshot of his situation.
One difficult thing about writing first person is tense. There are sections that jump between past and present tense. It isn't too jarring, but watch out for it.
I have two big suggestions that I'll note - one about writing and one about story.
For the writing, watch wordiness. Try to get rid of any extra words in sentences, redundant phrases, repeated phrases, or even complete sentences that aren't needed. Extra bits tend to bog down the writing, and as a rule of thumb, try to say what you need to say using only the words you need to use to get the message across (not EVERY extra word, but if you're using more than you have to, be sure you know you're doing it and that it adds something that would otherwise be missing). This is also tougher in first person, because a lot of the time you'll be using the narrator's voice. Keep those quirks in. This suggestion is kind of hard to convey in a review, so if you want I'd be happy to talk with you about it more through another medium.
For the story suggestion, I feel we need to know a little bit more about our hero's relationship with Yuuki. His past relationship with her is pretty central to the story, however, all we know about it is that they dated, and that now he doesn't have a very high opinion of her. Had he heard the rumors about her before they hooked up? What did he see in her (and her in him [other than his penis])? My biggest question is if he's so in love with Fumiko, why did he jump ship to Yuuki, even if only for a short period? What was their relationship like? A flashback to their relationship would give a lot of necessary background, and if the tension between Yuuki and Shio is going to be a big point (and it seems it already is), I think knowing more about them together would make that aspect of the story stronger.
Some other things of note: There were some awesome descriptions throughout, especially when describing the zombie things. The description of the first girl they encounter pops into mind off the top of my head - both the damage done to her and her movements (the marionette thing). The uses of the flashbacks are also well done. It's good to see the way the characters interacted before everything went to crap, and the flashbacks are a good break in the tension. The dream sequence with Momo's coup de grace was absolutely awesome. Was really impressed with the way that was handled, and his thoughts about it later when he sees Momo after waking up. And Goddamn... that shampoo smell! AWWW YEEEAAAA!
| DC20 chapter 2 . 11/23/2011
Thanks for this story! I love zombies, and I really liked the HSotD manga (skipped a class or two to read it straight - don't tell anybody). Glad to see you writing, and I've needed a break.
I'm really enjoying this so far. Just read the first two chapters, but you've set up a nice story. I like the horror elements here, and I'm glad to see the characters aren't running through hordes of zombies without a second thought. I also like the idea that it'll incorporate Shido and his cult. That was one of my favorite aspects of the story, and I really wish we'd seen more of it.
I'm taking notes throughout reading - I'll definitely pass on my impressions once I finish the whole thing, both things you're doing that are awesome and some suggestions I have. Can't wait to finish!
| Berserker216 chapter 5 . 11/19/2011
Saya: That's where you are wrong, Kawamura. Admiration is the statement furthest from understanding.
Sounds like something that Aizen would say. Please update soon!
| Berserker216 chapter 6 . 11/17/2011
Awesome story! You're my god damn hero for writing this! I've been waiting forever for a fanfic focusing on Shido and his followers. I think the main reason why Shido hasn't been featured as prominantly because he's been seen as a total ass and his followers as just plain stupid by fans of the franchise. But I find them quite interesting, especially Tsunoda and Kurokami.
Tsunoda - Why does he hate Takashi? I know a lot of people think that he was just lashing out, but I don't buy that. Maybe Takashi is blocking something because he did something to Tsunoda before their high school years. Just keep that food for thought.
Kurokami - For some reason, this guy in particular really stood out to me, even more so when I read the part where he phoned Shido after sneaking into the Takagi estate. He was eerie, but something about him made him seem interesting to be honest.
Anyways, looking forward to the orgy bus scene (the manga version was much better than the anime, in which they almost cut the whole scene out)! Are you even planning to include it in this story?
| CrimsonFang1290 chapter 5 . 9/18/2011
Awsome story so far. I say that you are doing an amazing job and I look foward to future chapters.
| CrimsonFang1290 chapter 2 . 7/31/2011
Good story so far. Shame what happened to Morita though. Well, I guess that enforces the saying: "No good deed goes unpunished." I hope Toshio finds Fumiko (alive).
Please keep writing, for I am enjoying every bit of it. :D