Reviews for Volatile Scene
Breaking Bunnies chapter 17 . 1/6
Hey, Martin! Long time no see!

Just thought I'd touch base before I finish catching up with the saga.

I have to say, I seriously admire your dedication to this project - it's incredible to even see one story finished once it's been running for over a year, but a trilogy? You have my sincere respect.

I don't want to say much in the way of critique, because I feel like with the time that's passed, you're probably already acute to its issues, and I wouldn't want to clog up your reviews with complaints that may have already been resolved. I'll probably still post a full retrospective when I'm done - either with this story or when I've catch up with Swan Song, but most likely the latter.

So, some positive things:

I don't remember if I've said this enough, but I love Makai as a villain. "You might ruin my plans to become whole again. To get my glorious, monstrous, and rather sexy true form." Good thing Yang and Lupin haven't found his secret full-length mirror.

I still find the reveal of Lupin's heritage funny, remembering our days on the forums when you said you noticed gay undertones betwixt him and Yang. Yeah, I feel like it's a bit of a cop out, but definitely an understandable one. Given the age difference, it would have either been a perpetually unrequited crush or a forbidden romance plot tumor, so I get why you'd sidestep the issue like this.

This little subplot about the Crystals of Light and Darkness has been such fun to witness I honestly can't even complain about its predictability, though I still hope it's resolved soon. Yin seems the most likely candidate on that front. I honestly can't explain what's so fun about this subplot to me other than saying that I'm watching meme magic unfold right before my eyes. It's great.

One thing about this series that's become much more prominent as the years have progressed is that there's this disconnect between your increased emphasis on the show's anime influences ...and the fact that the main characters are named after Chinese concepts. Not that being overt about your influences is a problem (props for that PMMM reference by the way), but I'm just giddy that you've seemed to have read my mind and are finally reconciling the two like this.

Overall, I'm having a lot of fun hopping back on this wild ride, and I can't wait to see where you've taken it! c:

Happy writing,
Daedalus370 chapter 20 . 9/1/2014
Well, this is a bit belated, and I greatly apologise for that, but finally here I am in full. Many things have sprung up and nabbed my attention between then and now, interrupting my reading and throwing my writing and reviewing for a loop. This time, however, I have some time.

This is certainly one of the longest chapters I have seen from you, and I daresay that while a chapter's length does not guarantee good quality this one has it. The viewpoints, while not blending seamlessly, are so tightly woven together that I was left impressed. The descriptions are immaculate, the characters and internal nemeses glorious and maintaining my interest, the language and style of writing fluid, and many other things great. Most notably is the revelation of the powers of darkness and light, yin and yang, made manifest as like met like. No longer are the crystals of light and darkness paired with the wrong masters, and while I was hoping they would harness their own inner dualities on their own accord (yin for Yang, yang for Yin) this works wondrously.

The only major quirk that I can see lies with the ball and chain attached to young Lupin's foot, and while chains are useful the ball would only serve as a cumbrance, especially if you are light on your feet and can somersault away (I imagined a loud WHUMP every time he landed on his feet). Beyond that, though, the only quirks I see consist of unnecessary additions like "My eyelids part open (get rid of 'open')," improper cuts like "It can manifest whichever form it pleases (add 'in')," or wrong words like "regroup" instead of recoup (see the start of Yin's segment). Once or twice, I see a place where an extra adjective would have been better, but that is no problem at all and is instead a desired addition. Unfortunately, I cannot find an example after scanning it, but I know it is there. Oh, wait, there's one! "Defeat is the remaining option." An "only" would fit in there quite nicely after the "the."

Oh, separately, I wanted to discuss this "neverminding." Such is not a word, and I feel that it is being used incorrectly here even if it was a word. According to the dictionary, nevermind is only a noun meaning heed, attention, or notice; or business, affair, or responsibility. Perhaps you are thinking about "not minding" or perhaps you are saying that Lupin is concentrating on the beads of sweat that he really should not have because canines don't sweat. Yes, this is a minor qualm, but I felt that this should be corrected.

Onwards to the story ideas. The four main characters all fighting their evil doppelgangers was, to me, an absolutely marvelous idea, and I especially loved how Makai voiced one of the most painful truths of existence as an explanation for the formed clones. "No matter how pure you are, how faultless you like to trick yourselves into thinking you are, there is always that impulse for transgression in you. You hold [sic] an inclination towards sin from the very beginning. It's in your nature to sin. There's no escaping this fact." How he used this and twists this was beautifully brilliant, and making our fair protagonists face their most fallen selves allowed one of the most satisfying of grins to overtake me. One thing, though: Yo's past self shouldn't have lurched or even stepped forward at the beginning, being flooded with regret over the loss of Maria. The moment the doppelganger was created, it had its own personality and, most probably, should not have been puppeted, right? Perhaps I am wrong, but it doesn't feel wrong to me at the moment. No matter what, though, this was uniquely glorious, and it was so, so, so nice to see you create something this masterful. I shake you warmly by the hand, Martin.

The technique young Lupin used held my interest, too - energy transfer and overflow, a stunning implementation of magic and might which paralyses a foe from the inside. It reminds me of chi and/or qi blockage, and I would love to see more of these forbidden powers in future chapters, if they do show up.

The end made me shake my head like Makai, what with most of the characters' spouting their self-supportive quips in arranged tandem, but I really liked this chapter, as you have probably found out already. You have probably impressed me like never before, and it makes me beyond pleased that I am one of the many stalwart readers who still remains here reading your phenomenal chapters. I look forward to the next chapter, and I wish you success with both the completion of this story and the search for an artist that can draw artwork for its cover. Take care of yourself, Martin, and happy reading and writing!
Daedalus370 chapter 19 . 7/9/2014
Hello again, Martin, and it is very nice to see a new chapter for this lovely story! Things are culminating splendidly into a heated climax as armies are thrust together, and time and an ocean of thought seems to be mending the bonds of the protagonists, both things I highly enjoy. I shall look forward to seeing more, but first let us review this chapter.

The physical description has for the most part given way to telling signs of emotion for the first half of the story, something which I find necessary for the heartfelt conversation between Yo and Lupin. Sometimes they are laid a bit too thick or too wordy, but overall the conveyance is quite excellent. The physical descriptions come back in full force as battle ensues, and by gum was the fight scene lovely. Fenrir and Cerberus seem like an interesting combination of not only mythology but weapons, sickles wielded by another fell canine reminiscent to marine plants, and I especially loved the apparitional wolf or wolf's head. I don't think I have seen such a conjuration in this story, and it was nice to see.

The characters left me feeling a little strangely about this chapter, to be honest, Lupin and Yo especially. Yo is now the vengeful father, blinded by his hate and no longer sagacious, whereas Lupin is now a sea of strange emotions and dialogue like sweating nervously from awkward topics. Weiss, the previously almost useless fighter, now wields weaponry effectively and casts advanced healing magic over, what, two day's time? and now serves as a battle medic. Makai reveals a secret set of skills that leave me perking an eyebrow, like an unbreakable Thunderdome of dark magic somehow displacing the ground beneath it or a teleportation spell which can be horrifically spammed. With such skills at their disposal and such spontaneous learning periods, I somehow wonder how all mighty and magically sensitive people don't become powerhouses that rival the Greek demigods or even the gods themselves. On that note, it's a wonder why Yin and Yang aren't masters already. Wait, furthermore, where -is- Miriam? I want to see her golden tails later on. P

Makai's brigades are confusing me a little. Is this a third brigade currently, or is it the second? Also, I'm not sure if a brigade is correctly used here, as a brigade is an army and not an event. I could be entirely wrong, though, in my understanding of this.

Now, I'm failing to see much else I can talk about at the moment, to be honest, and I apologise for that, but I must say that this chapter is quite lovely. I cannot consider it weak as much as rushed, but the good qualities overwhelm the poorer ones. Keep up the good work, and I of course would love to see more of the excitement as it builds and builds. Ta, happy reading and writing, and until next time!
Apples Of Avalon chapter 18 . 4/16/2014
Yo and Lupin meet again at last! This is getting more exciting!

This has even bugging me for a while, but is Yuck gonna get a Kami no Gofu? I assume he hasn't gotten one yet because, well, weaponized blob body. I bet if he got one though, it would be a scythe. But I guess that's just me.

Can't wait for the next chapter!
Daedalus370 chapter 17 . 3/16/2014
Hey there, Martin! It has been a merry while since I have seen this wonderful story continue on from its long hiatus, and I am overjoyed to see that it has made it onto ! Now, let's not wait. While I am, yet again, not at the top of my game because of eluded sleep, this review has been long deserved and thus should be completed as soon as I can. I hope this drivel maintains its shape upon its fulfillment.

First and foremost, I cannot help but be amazed by the sheer description within and without this story throughout every chapter, this one especially. Lacy words flourish within a nest of subtly weaker ones, adding to their grandeur, and a torrent of useful information adding to the setting brilliantly floods the senses. A few times, consoldation can be used to minimalise unnecessary wording. For instance, the kitchen and the barren living room can have skimmed from them unnecessary words like crumbs from butter while adding additional description.

\\ The kitchen around me seeps into my consciousness, small and large objects simultaneously individualised and collaging into one like the other nine times I've inspected it. A refrigerator [there's a spelling error here, by the bye] rests in the corner to my right complete with cupboards and counters adjacent to it sporting spice racks, hanging ladles, and cutting knives.

Standing from my stool, I cross over to the barren living room, espying the photographs of the famed Four Pioneers of Woo Foo dangling from the wall in a tidy row. Yo, Selene, Miriam, Maria - together another nugget of Woo Foo history once only seen in scrolls and other references. (. . .)/

Musical, aesthetic, poetic, and forceful word choices are borderline impeccable, as always, something I goggled at for days now. A teensy word, however, strikes me as obsolete or archaic, however: astound. In days of yore (or in old script like from the Middle Ages), this can be used as an adjective, but not nowadays. Astonished or astounded fits better here.

Your flashback is, for lack of better words, unbelievably brilliant. I cannot think of a way to strengthen any of it, and the usage of the Woo Foo Crystals and the Phoenix Wing is wonderful, especially when the darkness Yang manipulates backfires on him. You did very well in this area.

I found only one other inconsistency than the "astound" above, namely in the fifth paragraph. See that "I" that branches off? It may be 's work, but I am interested to see what you were intending to say.

Miriam the intrepid Pioneer member has caught my interest and is now my favourite character, replacing Maria the drinker of Fog smoothies. Kitsune's mother apparently sported nine tails, metaphysical or real, and, knowing that Weiss is well on her way to becoming a Woo Foo master, I can only hope that she will rival her great great grandmother in time. Beyond power, capabilities, and hoarding of long-lost treasures, she seems wise, intelligent, and capable of leadership, something this crew desperately needs. On top of all of that, she's made of cooler stuff than Lupin and Maria together! She undoubtedly deserves my favouritism here, I believe.

Moving on to Kitsune, she seems to have acquired enough gloom and doom to scare even Seaweed Dude. I'm grinning at the thought of a vengeful fox fighting against that sarcastic shadow of a wolf. Though I know how it would end, Makai would at least shudder away from Lupin under the pressure of such raw hatred.

Now that I am nearing the end, may I speak for both PenGator3 and myself by saying that you are immortally welcome for whatever aid we have mutually given you. Your talents exceed my own, and I am more than willing to see that they will come to absolute fruition, the completion of this story marking a significant milestone for you along the way. Keep up the grand work, and may nothing stop you without your consent.

In finality, this is a marvelous chapter over which I have practically only good impressions! Few problems can be seen, and anticipation outweighs inward groaning by leaps and bounds. I greatly look forward to your next chapter. Take care, bud, and happy reading and writing!
Apples Of Avalon chapter 17 . 3/14/2014

PenGator3 chapter 16 . 12/15/2012
Ah, establishing the fact that there are no Mary Sues in this story.

Thank you...
Daedalus370 chapter 16 . 8/23/2012
Well-ll-ll, I didn't expect to take this long, but here I am. Hello again, JC, and I am here to review this new chapter of yours. Please note that I am not at the top of my game at the moment (dang sleep issues), but I'll do what I can to leave you something worth your while.

I must be frank with you: this new chappie gave me a very bittersweet vibe, one which perforated the entirety of the chapter and heralded back some positive and negative traits to your story that I remember over the just-a-few-specks-shy-of-a-two-year period since I first came across your story. I shall go over these pluses and minuses, and even a few unrelated points below:

Plus: Your drawing old writing experience back into your current style was a smart move, making certain moments of this chapter as memorable as they used to be instead of drowning everything in a modern writing-style. In these moments, emotion becomes more easily captured by an audience, and this is a thing of greatness. Grammar, while useful, can be thrown out the window as long as you ensnare attention, and subject and verbs can be lopped off for greater impact in the right areas.

Minus: There is far too much lopping. In Calamity Hoppers, the story had a different feel, a palpable sensation which focused on a distraught rabbit boy and his spurned master which makes broken thoughts and sentences resound easily. However, upon the inclusion of more characters, the feel gave way to something new. It didn't fit anymore, so the style did what it had to and progressively evolved into one with fuller sentences.

In summary, fragmentation still works, but use it sparingly. Old guns fail as time rolls on, yet they still make a great addition to someone's arsenal. The same can be said for writers as well as gunslingers

Unrelated: The vocabulary in this story continues to be superb, not because you are using lacy words that only appear in politics, but because they add to the flow for the most part and show personality. Now I can see subtle variations between characters, and that's beyond great. *cough*, I still want to banish the realisation of cheese to a different dimension, however, *cough*.

Also, I honestly didn't care for the light moment of Seaweed Dude making a complete fool out of himself, probably because it wasn't light exactly or because my sense of humour is jaded beyond hope. Batbrain and Buzzbeak are way inferior on the power scale compared to Makai (all this has been dutifully measured by Thanny using a Kill-A-Watt through ulterior scientific means).

I suppose that's it for now, but I hope there was something you can use in this review. I enjoyed this chapter in spite of its main weakness, look forward to the next chapter with earnest, and, as always, wish you happy reading and writing. Ciao!
Breaking Bunnies chapter 15 . 6/22/2012
Oh Dae I hate you so much. Stole my spot! I swore on Job's bones that I would get a review in, at least before I tackle your MLP fic, tithe for being absent from the site and just lazy with my writing in general. But then that wrenched DAE appeared. And I don't have the right ball to capture fanfic writers.

So I'll just add some disjointed comments and then scurry along. At this alleged few-more-chapters rate, this story will be longer than its predecessor, and now apparently throwing-back to the ole prequel days. Personally, I more enjoyed the writing style in later CH pages, but to each their own.

# There wasn't much of a fourth wall in the show, so if you simply let Yang acknowledge and joke about the genericness, everything should remedy. (He does mention taking a creative writing class in 'Foreign Exchange Problem', liking poesy in 'Mind Games'...and that he loves ponies in 'Old Softie.' New headcannon has been established: Yang is a My Little Pony fanfic writer.)

# I would have thought that only an Infernal Beast or Grimoire-wielder could harvest Fog, but nope! magic spell to do the trick. Which raises the question of why Yo never formulated a plan using this technique during the days of CH. Just tackle Yang, preform spell, and then make another one of those Fog-smoothies. Sure, only the Grimoire appears capable of granting use to the collected evil goop, but still.

# This will seem awfully late, but it's quite odd how a dimension completely separate from Earth claims the same theologies. Then again they do speak English. Of course this doesn't pertain strictly to you (heck, I make them human), but just a little cross-fanbase observation. Write what cha know, as they say.

# So Yo's understandably in a state of angst. And while your decline in ellipses is certainly a boon, I can't help but feel that some more (and just me a looser restriction on non-flashback italics)(or bold font) would better support the emotion. For example: / Looking at him was disgusting, but knowing that I AM HIM was... worse./

Or: / Stapled on the last pages are two certificates with familiar names written on them: 'Lupin' on one of them, a birth certificate, and 'Yo and Maria' on the other, a MARRIAGE certificate./

Also, a few physical reactions during inner monologue never hurt anyone.

/ She's upset. She's hurt. Hurt because I forgot how much we meant to each other. How much she meant to me. How I loved her. What she doesn't know is it hurt me just as much as it does her. But she won't know that.

(Shut go the eyes again. My chin following to meet my chest.)

No. She won't. She's gone… In heaven, with Him on His high home. She's dead./

Or, better, during his exposition about the marriage and subsequent fire. (Weird, I could have sworn my backstory!fic had a same occurrence: mother and child perish in flames.)

# How nice of Selene and Miriam to wipe Yo's memory. Do they do this for everyone who has a traumatic experience?

# The Fog also couples a powerful LSD-replacement. After that flashback, I have half a mind to outright call Maria a druggie. I mean COME ON. She downed a Fog-smoothie after Seaweed told her she'd become the next Infernal Beast. Trippin'.

# So Lupin's anti-Seaweed necklace is Maria's Soul Gem. Calling it.
Daedalus370 chapter 15 . 6/22/2012
Huh, -now- the review button works. Greetings, C.R., and sorry for taking my sweet time on this review; has been on the fritz with me. However, now is not the time for apologies, but rather review-writing action.

You mentioned in the Author's Note that you were worried that the series was becoming generic. Truth be told, it is, but it hasn't reached full-fledged genericalness yet. I too have suffered from this problem and came up with a solution for my own works, and hopefully it will work with you as well:

First of all, the drama and pathos this story exudes is extremely overplayed, causing me to groan in the spirit and bang my head against the wall as I read this chapter. The only cures I know is to lessen the drama in the unimportant scenes or reducing it completely. I highly recommend glancing at a romantic novel to see an acceptable level of drama. One could find them all over the place, especially in the Harvest Moon category.

Second is this: expand the dialogue. In the second flashback, there was a scene where Selene and Miriam talked outside, and I was slightly annoyed that there were few he-said-she-said's; it was similar to reading directly from a script. The final bit of the chapter starting with "Unh! My arm!" was very similar, only completely devoid of action and he-said-she-said's.

Thirdly and lastly is removing the omniscient viewpoint in both of those scenes. For voices echoing in his head, I don't understand how he could see Miriam and Selene's actions like in these instances: "Selene's eyes took on a sad look, disliking the idea she has arrived at" and ". . . she closely held where her heart was and shed one tear." Also, how in the halibut did Yo hear all of that conversation between Yinny and Yucky?

Those were the only negative traits I have come to see in this story, all of which are signs of generic storytelling. I am sure you will be able to stop this progressive sliding into blah-ness in the next chapter.

Now, let's talk about the positive traits:

You continue to impress me regarding your description. The depth and background of every chapter improves by large leaps, and I am able to lucidly picture the scenes while enjoying what I read. The scene within Maria's bedroom was a particularly excellent example of this and turns out to be my favourite segment in Volatile Scene so far.

Your writing-style is maturing while still retaining the short, intense sentences that I enjoyed from Calamity Hoppers' first few chapters. This is a clever move on your part, one which will probably help perfect your definitive style in the years to come (unless we all die by a Mayan apocalypse, dohoho).

A-a-and that's it so far, unless you want me to rephrase something I have said in my last two reviews. Things are improving, definitely, but there are a few problems which need to be ironed out. Keep up the good work, though, and happy reading and writing to you, my friend. Ciao!
PenGator3 chapter 15 . 6/15/2012
What do you mean by generic?

This is good...
Daedalus370 chapter 14 . 6/8/2012
Hello again, JC, and sorry for taking so long to review this chapter. I have been falling behind on a lot of my old reads, but this is where I'm going to put it behind me. Now, let's get started on this review, shall we?

I'm sorry to say this, but I did not enjoy this chapter as much as earlier ones. While the trite sentences which made the series so endearing to me were retained, I was not able to feel for the characters. Emotion passed through me as if I were a sieve, and while I hated Seaweed Dude with even more passion it was not through his actions that I disliked him. Only his annoying villain-esque dialogue set me aflame (those silly, silly villains), and, while that is most definitely good, it is only half the job I was expecting.

I do not know how to correct this, unfortunately, but I'll try my best to show what I mean:

\\ My body feels…odd. It feels like it's dropping, yet it's suspended in mid-air. I'm slowly regaining consciousness. I'm dangling from something. There's a cold metal surface against my wrists. Each time I move them, a clanging sound rings.

I open my eyes and find myself in a dark, sinister-looking room. A shady chandelier hangs from the ceiling, bearing a set of candles with undying flames. Other than that, though, this place is empty. Shackles are clipped around my wrists and pin me against a stone wall. I see my sword beneath my feet, as if it were placed down there for a purpose. To mock me, to reiterate to me how helpless I currently am. I've been taught that one's self is the perfect weapon. But even then, even with this in mind, already, things are not boding well for me. /

These two opening paragraphs hold most of the mood in the story, yet it fell flat and withheld emotion like a greedy sponge. Description isn't entirely necessary, as that can be placed anywhere, but some of the best authors on this site and beyond exploit the opening paragraphs for setting the right mood. I'll try to show what I mean in the following revision:

"Consciousness eructed from the depths of my mind, and with it came my sense of touch. I felt like I was grappled by my wrists and thrust against the unfeeling face of a stone wall, yet each restraint was feeble and painless. Not very odd, I considered, as I am most likely deader than a doornail.

Rolling back my hesitant eyelids restored my sense of sight as well. The room I was in was dark and sinister, lit only by a chandelier kindled by flames as steady as ice. The only other object I could observe was my sheathed weapon, mockingly suspended in the air as well and laid against my naked neck. Whatever ire I felt by this was suffocated by helplessness and fear. I, the Grandmaster of Woo Foo, was held prisoner by a power far greater than my own."

I changed around a few things to better implement the mood, but can you sense the difference? I can, though I don't know whether it is better or worse than your original paragraphs. I hope it helps, though.

Another moment would be the reclamation of Fog, something which was probably impaired by the weak dialogue (" 'STOP! STOP IT! Enough!' ") and a light amount of description at this critical moment. Creating more memorable exclamations or, better yet, a more tangible response than sobbing and shouting a "No, daddy, no!" would make this much better, in my opinion. For instance, instead of Lupin lazing around like a sack of wet cow feed, how about having him wrestle with his bonds, struggling to pull Yang free from Makai's grasp? Sure, nothing would happen, but it is a more realistic response than watching and sprinkling the ground with fresh tears.

Relaxing from my nit-pickiness, however, things are looking pretty decent. Even though sentences were choppy once more and the emotion was weak, your ability to tell a story is remarkable, and I could visualise many of the events as if I were in Lupin's shoes (well, if he has shoes). Good job right there.

I might have said this last time, but I like how you punctuate this time around. There are few ellipses, and more commas and periods abound in their places. I have one qualm, though, and that is the double exclamation marks. They may look good in a manga booklet (I don't know for sure because I've rarely ventured that section of the library), but they do -not- look good here, especially with the all-caps text. Just . . . ugh.

The flashbacks are a nice touch too, even if the second-to-last one is a little overlong. As usual, they add a special something to the current events even if they aren't completely relative. Not many are able to pull this off, so congrats again.

In summation, this chapter has a few kinks that require a little ironing out, but it has other areas which make it lovely to read. I am, as always, looking forward to your next chapter. Happy reading and writing, bud, and ciao!
Daedalus370 chapter 13 . 4/21/2012
Salutations, C.R.; sorry for not reviewing as quickly as I usually do, but I've been caught up with other reading projects. I'll try to give a review as decent as my prior ones.

I stand by BB concerning the chapter with Makai and his malevolent fit of laughter. There isn't much to say regarding fillers, which is why I didn't leave a review for it last time, and, besides, she practically took the words out of my mouth, right down to the unnecessary tag-along phrases.

A word of advice come into mind regarding the filler, though: keep the necessary words which don't disturb the sentence (subject, verb, and so on) and then put the mood-setting pieces back. Examples lie below. This method is useful if one can't perfect a sentence or paragraph through normal means, but painful for entire chapters, so do this only if felt necessary.

\\ Necessary (Ch. 12, Para. 8): "That's not gonna work," he says. Behind is a throne. Makai sighs.

Piecing together: "That's not gonna work," he says and blows a raspberry. Behind him is an ominous throne he rests upon. Legs crossed and head perched on his fist, Makai sighs.

Piecing together with mood alterations: "That's not gonna work," he says with an added raspberry. Makai reclines in an ominous throne, legs crossed and arm bowed to harbour his jaw. Heaving a sigh, he shifted. /

There is a lot I wish to say about the most recent chapter, but I have no idea how to separate my rantings into paragraphs. Let's try out a chronological method after detailing the boons these two chapters have:

The narratives are descriptive as always, and very rarely do I think that I am missing out on some specific detail. Actions, backgrounds, characters, and emotions are revealed in a long and continuous summation few can specialise in. Also, the writing style which used to be choppy and short has strengthened into a better variant, and little else besides your vocab and grammar has changed. Both are noteworthy boons to have.

You might have noticed this yourself, but everyone has the same narration style, whether it is the three main characters of the show or your OC's. Neglecting oodles of ellipses from prior chapters (you used only fourteen in this one, which is amazing), the speech pattern was so eerily similar when it more distinctive variants were necessary to match their character, even though our favourite crow used to be the snide wiseacre of the group. This is one of the key factors in multi-first-person stories, and I am personally kicking myself for not mentioning this sooner.

The flashback regarding the Karasu (the name of this clan gave me a hearty chuckle) was interesting, to say the least, but the manner that everything was expressed in was confusing. This is a flashback, sure, but it was too complex for something viewed through the eyes of a chick. The way it was laid out made me imagine that our Noah was the elder and not the child.

Lupin appears as confused as ever in this chapter. Two chappies ago he was standing above Eradicus's bloodied form looking awesome and inspiring, and now he's flippant and genuinely annoying. I am half-surprised that Noah didn't give him a slug on his wolf cheek.

Finally, we get to Makai, the imp who continues to arouse my ire. He seems more of a Loki than an evil atrocity because he seems more interested in messing with people and having fun than destroying everything. Because of this, I don't hate Seaweed Dude much, but he does crawl under one's skin at times.

Lupin and Yang are in the custody of the Fœdus Tenebris Infinitum after a six-versus-one battle which left the six badly bloodied . . . this bodes ill. Apparently, they didn't have a ghost of a chance of defeating Makai, even with Lupin's inability to sweat or draw heavy breath. I wonder if the Infernal Beast has eyes in the back of his head to avoid so many blows in that fight of epic proportion.

I can't think of anything else at the moment, probably because I'm still exhausted after yesterday's events, but I am sure the next chapter will receive a better viewpoint. I'm not used to reviewing more than one chapter, you see. While these two chapters have a few problems with them, they were still fun to read, and the second one had a decent surprise perspective. Well done, as always, and I look forward to the next chapter. Happy reading and writing, bud, and ciao!
PenGator3 chapter 13 . 4/13/2012
I hope it ends like that 1991 movie, Ricochet.
Breaking Bunnies chapter 12 . 3/27/2012
{/Beyond the very fabric of the world, in the midst of a hollow dimension that none can access~\

Not gonna make the Lady Gaga joke; you've already made it in your head.}

Well, howdy-do, Mister Martin Sir! I didn't expect an update so quickly, but let's see how I can do this.

First, though filler, I sympathize with Makai's plight: nothing is more embarrassing than giving your evil speech to the farmer-turned-knight who's family you've slaughtered...and messing up your laugh. That's the icing on the cupcake, broski. However, I doubt this is the surprise POV you hinted at, considering we already had a glimpse at the Infernal Beast during chapter three. And who puts their surprises in filler? Like putting an engament ring in a trash bag and then telling your girl to search through it, not teh best idea evah.

Of course, being filler I don' t much to say aside from that my calling-of-it still stands, yet I must unveil some more of my feared keen eye. Namely, in telling the reader something that's implied in dialogue or the speaking character's past actions. Here are my examples:

/"Don't you think you should be focusing on things that aren't…trivial?" The bat suggested, disliking Makai's childish disposition. "You aren't even making any progress trying to find this Woo Foo Grandmaster."/

/"Of course," the bat responds, referring to the Black Brigade. "You were defeated by the two Original Knights and the first Woo Foo warriors. And your entire body disintegrated and disseminated across the world."/

Not to mention how 'the bat' is used in both instances (might I suggest 'the Chiropteran'?), but with the former, his first line of dialogue shows his disapproval quite clearly, also, his initial reaction to the Infernal Beast in the before-mentioned chappie three, and with the latter the line of speech following it would establish his meaning well enough. In neither case, I felt the phrase following the dialogue tags were adding anything to that which they were supposed to be complimenting. But of course I'm nitpicking, as always.

Best of luck in your revisions; I feel your pain.
29 | Page 1 2 Next »