Reviews for Volatile Scene
Daedalus370 chapter 17 . 3/16
Hey there, Martin! It has been a merry while since I have seen this wonderful story continue on from its long hiatus, and I am overjoyed to see that it has made it onto ! Now, let's not wait. While I am, yet again, not at the top of my game because of eluded sleep, this review has been long deserved and thus should be completed as soon as I can. I hope this drivel maintains its shape upon its fulfillment.

First and foremost, I cannot help but be amazed by the sheer description within and without this story throughout every chapter, this one especially. Lacy words flourish within a nest of subtly weaker ones, adding to their grandeur, and a torrent of useful information adding to the setting brilliantly floods the senses. A few times, consoldation can be used to minimalise unnecessary wording. For instance, the kitchen and the barren living room can have skimmed from them unnecessary words like crumbs from butter while adding additional description.

\\ The kitchen around me seeps into my consciousness, small and large objects simultaneously individualised and collaging into one like the other nine times I've inspected it. A refrigerator [there's a spelling error here, by the bye] rests in the corner to my right complete with cupboards and counters adjacent to it sporting spice racks, hanging ladles, and cutting knives.

Standing from my stool, I cross over to the barren living room, espying the photographs of the famed Four Pioneers of Woo Foo dangling from the wall in a tidy row. Yo, Selene, Miriam, Maria - together another nugget of Woo Foo history once only seen in scrolls and other references. (. . .)/

Musical, aesthetic, poetic, and forceful word choices are borderline impeccable, as always, something I goggled at for days now. A teensy word, however, strikes me as obsolete or archaic, however: astound. In days of yore (or in old script like from the Middle Ages), this can be used as an adjective, but not nowadays. Astonished or astounded fits better here.

Your flashback is, for lack of better words, unbelievably brilliant. I cannot think of a way to strengthen any of it, and the usage of the Woo Foo Crystals and the Phoenix Wing is wonderful, especially when the darkness Yang manipulates backfires on him. You did very well in this area.

I found only one other inconsistency than the "astound" above, namely in the fifth paragraph. See that "I" that branches off? It may be 's work, but I am interested to see what you were intending to say.

Miriam the intrepid Pioneer member has caught my interest and is now my favourite character, replacing Maria the drinker of Fog smoothies. Kitsune's mother apparently sported nine tails, metaphysical or real, and, knowing that Weiss is well on her way to becoming a Woo Foo master, I can only hope that she will rival her great great grandmother in time. Beyond power, capabilities, and hoarding of long-lost treasures, she seems wise, intelligent, and capable of leadership, something this crew desperately needs. On top of all of that, she's made of cooler stuff than Lupin and Maria together! She undoubtedly deserves my favouritism here, I believe.

Moving on to Kitsune, she seems to have acquired enough gloom and doom to scare even Seaweed Dude. I'm grinning at the thought of a vengeful fox fighting against that sarcastic shadow of a wolf. Though I know how it would end, Makai would at least shudder away from Lupin under the pressure of such raw hatred.

Now that I am nearing the end, may I speak for both PenGator3 and myself by saying that you are immortally welcome for whatever aid we have mutually given you. Your talents exceed my own, and I am more than willing to see that they will come to absolute fruition, the completion of this story marking a significant milestone for you along the way. Keep up the grand work, and may nothing stop you without your consent.

In finality, this is a marvelous chapter over which I have practically only good impressions! Few problems can be seen, and anticipation outweighs inward groaning by leaps and bounds. I greatly look forward to your next chapter. Take care, bud, and happy reading and writing!
Apples Of Avalon chapter 17 . 3/14
VOLATILE SCENE LIVES

HELL YEAH MAN YOU HAVE NO IDEA HOW HAPPY I AM OF SEEING YOU AGAIN
PenGator3 chapter 16 . 12/15/2012
Ah, establishing the fact that there are no Mary Sues in this story.

Thank you...
Daedalus370 chapter 16 . 8/23/2012
Well-ll-ll, I didn't expect to take this long, but here I am. Hello again, JC, and I am here to review this new chapter of yours. Please note that I am not at the top of my game at the moment (dang sleep issues), but I'll do what I can to leave you something worth your while.

I must be frank with you: this new chappie gave me a very bittersweet vibe, one which perforated the entirety of the chapter and heralded back some positive and negative traits to your story that I remember over the just-a-few-specks-shy-of-a-two-year period since I first came across your story. I shall go over these pluses and minuses, and even a few unrelated points below:

Plus: Your drawing old writing experience back into your current style was a smart move, making certain moments of this chapter as memorable as they used to be instead of drowning everything in a modern writing-style. In these moments, emotion becomes more easily captured by an audience, and this is a thing of greatness. Grammar, while useful, can be thrown out the window as long as you ensnare attention, and subject and verbs can be lopped off for greater impact in the right areas.

Minus: There is far too much lopping. In Calamity Hoppers, the story had a different feel, a palpable sensation which focused on a distraught rabbit boy and his spurned master which makes broken thoughts and sentences resound easily. However, upon the inclusion of more characters, the feel gave way to something new. It didn't fit anymore, so the style did what it had to and progressively evolved into one with fuller sentences.

In summary, fragmentation still works, but use it sparingly. Old guns fail as time rolls on, yet they still make a great addition to someone's arsenal. The same can be said for writers as well as gunslingers

Unrelated: The vocabulary in this story continues to be superb, not because you are using lacy words that only appear in politics, but because they add to the flow for the most part and show personality. Now I can see subtle variations between characters, and that's beyond great. *cough*, I still want to banish the realisation of cheese to a different dimension, however, *cough*.

Also, I honestly didn't care for the light moment of Seaweed Dude making a complete fool out of himself, probably because it wasn't light exactly or because my sense of humour is jaded beyond hope. Batbrain and Buzzbeak are way inferior on the power scale compared to Makai (all this has been dutifully measured by Thanny using a Kill-A-Watt through ulterior scientific means).

I suppose that's it for now, but I hope there was something you can use in this review. I enjoyed this chapter in spite of its main weakness, look forward to the next chapter with earnest, and, as always, wish you happy reading and writing. Ciao!
Breaking Bunnies chapter 15 . 6/22/2012
Oh Dae I hate you so much. Stole my spot! I swore on Job's bones that I would get a review in, at least before I tackle your MLP fic, tithe for being absent from the site and just lazy with my writing in general. But then that wrenched DAE appeared. And I don't have the right ball to capture fanfic writers.

So I'll just add some disjointed comments and then scurry along. At this alleged few-more-chapters rate, this story will be longer than its predecessor, and now apparently throwing-back to the ole prequel days. Personally, I more enjoyed the writing style in later CH pages, but to each their own.

# There wasn't much of a fourth wall in the show, so if you simply let Yang acknowledge and joke about the genericness, everything should remedy. (He does mention taking a creative writing class in 'Foreign Exchange Problem', liking poesy in 'Mind Games'...and that he loves ponies in 'Old Softie.' New headcannon has been established: Yang is a My Little Pony fanfic writer.)

# I would have thought that only an Infernal Beast or Grimoire-wielder could harvest Fog, but nope! magic spell to do the trick. Which raises the question of why Yo never formulated a plan using this technique during the days of CH. Just tackle Yang, preform spell, and then make another one of those Fog-smoothies. Sure, only the Grimoire appears capable of granting use to the collected evil goop, but still.

# This will seem awfully late, but it's quite odd how a dimension completely separate from Earth claims the same theologies. Then again they do speak English. Of course this doesn't pertain strictly to you (heck, I make them human), but just a little cross-fanbase observation. Write what cha know, as they say.

# So Yo's understandably in a state of angst. And while your decline in ellipses is certainly a boon, I can't help but feel that some more (and just me a looser restriction on non-flashback italics)(or bold font) would better support the emotion. For example: / Looking at him was disgusting, but knowing that I AM HIM was... worse./

Or: / Stapled on the last pages are two certificates with familiar names written on them: 'Lupin' on one of them, a birth certificate, and 'Yo and Maria' on the other, a MARRIAGE certificate./

Also, a few physical reactions during inner monologue never hurt anyone.

/ She's upset. She's hurt. Hurt because I forgot how much we meant to each other. How much she meant to me. How I loved her. What she doesn't know is it hurt me just as much as it does her. But she won't know that.

(Shut go the eyes again. My chin following to meet my chest.)

No. She won't. She's gone… In heaven, with Him on His high home. She's dead./

Or, better, during his exposition about the marriage and subsequent fire. (Weird, I could have sworn my backstory!fic had a same occurrence: mother and child perish in flames.)

# How nice of Selene and Miriam to wipe Yo's memory. Do they do this for everyone who has a traumatic experience?

# The Fog also couples a powerful LSD-replacement. After that flashback, I have half a mind to outright call Maria a druggie. I mean COME ON. She downed a Fog-smoothie after Seaweed told her she'd become the next Infernal Beast. Trippin'.

# So Lupin's anti-Seaweed necklace is Maria's Soul Gem. Calling it.
Daedalus370 chapter 15 . 6/22/2012
Huh, -now- the review button works. Greetings, C.R., and sorry for taking my sweet time on this review; has been on the fritz with me. However, now is not the time for apologies, but rather review-writing action.

You mentioned in the Author's Note that you were worried that the series was becoming generic. Truth be told, it is, but it hasn't reached full-fledged genericalness yet. I too have suffered from this problem and came up with a solution for my own works, and hopefully it will work with you as well:

First of all, the drama and pathos this story exudes is extremely overplayed, causing me to groan in the spirit and bang my head against the wall as I read this chapter. The only cures I know is to lessen the drama in the unimportant scenes or reducing it completely. I highly recommend glancing at a romantic novel to see an acceptable level of drama. One could find them all over the place, especially in the Harvest Moon category.

Second is this: expand the dialogue. In the second flashback, there was a scene where Selene and Miriam talked outside, and I was slightly annoyed that there were few he-said-she-said's; it was similar to reading directly from a script. The final bit of the chapter starting with "Unh! My arm!" was very similar, only completely devoid of action and he-said-she-said's.

Thirdly and lastly is removing the omniscient viewpoint in both of those scenes. For voices echoing in his head, I don't understand how he could see Miriam and Selene's actions like in these instances: "Selene's eyes took on a sad look, disliking the idea she has arrived at" and ". . . she closely held where her heart was and shed one tear." Also, how in the halibut did Yo hear all of that conversation between Yinny and Yucky?

Those were the only negative traits I have come to see in this story, all of which are signs of generic storytelling. I am sure you will be able to stop this progressive sliding into blah-ness in the next chapter.

Now, let's talk about the positive traits:

You continue to impress me regarding your description. The depth and background of every chapter improves by large leaps, and I am able to lucidly picture the scenes while enjoying what I read. The scene within Maria's bedroom was a particularly excellent example of this and turns out to be my favourite segment in Volatile Scene so far.

Your writing-style is maturing while still retaining the short, intense sentences that I enjoyed from Calamity Hoppers' first few chapters. This is a clever move on your part, one which will probably help perfect your definitive style in the years to come (unless we all die by a Mayan apocalypse, dohoho).

A-a-and that's it so far, unless you want me to rephrase something I have said in my last two reviews. Things are improving, definitely, but there are a few problems which need to be ironed out. Keep up the good work, though, and happy reading and writing to you, my friend. Ciao!
PenGator3 chapter 15 . 6/15/2012
What do you mean by generic?

This is good...
Daedalus370 chapter 14 . 6/8/2012
Hello again, JC, and sorry for taking so long to review this chapter. I have been falling behind on a lot of my old reads, but this is where I'm going to put it behind me. Now, let's get started on this review, shall we?

I'm sorry to say this, but I did not enjoy this chapter as much as earlier ones. While the trite sentences which made the series so endearing to me were retained, I was not able to feel for the characters. Emotion passed through me as if I were a sieve, and while I hated Seaweed Dude with even more passion it was not through his actions that I disliked him. Only his annoying villain-esque dialogue set me aflame (those silly, silly villains), and, while that is most definitely good, it is only half the job I was expecting.

I do not know how to correct this, unfortunately, but I'll try my best to show what I mean:

\\ My body feels…odd. It feels like it's dropping, yet it's suspended in mid-air. I'm slowly regaining consciousness. I'm dangling from something. There's a cold metal surface against my wrists. Each time I move them, a clanging sound rings.

I open my eyes and find myself in a dark, sinister-looking room. A shady chandelier hangs from the ceiling, bearing a set of candles with undying flames. Other than that, though, this place is empty. Shackles are clipped around my wrists and pin me against a stone wall. I see my sword beneath my feet, as if it were placed down there for a purpose. To mock me, to reiterate to me how helpless I currently am. I've been taught that one's self is the perfect weapon. But even then, even with this in mind, already, things are not boding well for me. /

These two opening paragraphs hold most of the mood in the story, yet it fell flat and withheld emotion like a greedy sponge. Description isn't entirely necessary, as that can be placed anywhere, but some of the best authors on this site and beyond exploit the opening paragraphs for setting the right mood. I'll try to show what I mean in the following revision:

"Consciousness eructed from the depths of my mind, and with it came my sense of touch. I felt like I was grappled by my wrists and thrust against the unfeeling face of a stone wall, yet each restraint was feeble and painless. Not very odd, I considered, as I am most likely deader than a doornail.

Rolling back my hesitant eyelids restored my sense of sight as well. The room I was in was dark and sinister, lit only by a chandelier kindled by flames as steady as ice. The only other object I could observe was my sheathed weapon, mockingly suspended in the air as well and laid against my naked neck. Whatever ire I felt by this was suffocated by helplessness and fear. I, the Grandmaster of Woo Foo, was held prisoner by a power far greater than my own."

I changed around a few things to better implement the mood, but can you sense the difference? I can, though I don't know whether it is better or worse than your original paragraphs. I hope it helps, though.

Another moment would be the reclamation of Fog, something which was probably impaired by the weak dialogue (" 'STOP! STOP IT! Enough!' ") and a light amount of description at this critical moment. Creating more memorable exclamations or, better yet, a more tangible response than sobbing and shouting a "No, daddy, no!" would make this much better, in my opinion. For instance, instead of Lupin lazing around like a sack of wet cow feed, how about having him wrestle with his bonds, struggling to pull Yang free from Makai's grasp? Sure, nothing would happen, but it is a more realistic response than watching and sprinkling the ground with fresh tears.

Relaxing from my nit-pickiness, however, things are looking pretty decent. Even though sentences were choppy once more and the emotion was weak, your ability to tell a story is remarkable, and I could visualise many of the events as if I were in Lupin's shoes (well, if he has shoes). Good job right there.

I might have said this last time, but I like how you punctuate this time around. There are few ellipses, and more commas and periods abound in their places. I have one qualm, though, and that is the double exclamation marks. They may look good in a manga booklet (I don't know for sure because I've rarely ventured that section of the library), but they do -not- look good here, especially with the all-caps text. Just . . . ugh.

The flashbacks are a nice touch too, even if the second-to-last one is a little overlong. As usual, they add a special something to the current events even if they aren't completely relative. Not many are able to pull this off, so congrats again.

In summation, this chapter has a few kinks that require a little ironing out, but it has other areas which make it lovely to read. I am, as always, looking forward to your next chapter. Happy reading and writing, bud, and ciao!
Daedalus370 chapter 13 . 4/21/2012
Salutations, C.R.; sorry for not reviewing as quickly as I usually do, but I've been caught up with other reading projects. I'll try to give a review as decent as my prior ones.

I stand by BB concerning the chapter with Makai and his malevolent fit of laughter. There isn't much to say regarding fillers, which is why I didn't leave a review for it last time, and, besides, she practically took the words out of my mouth, right down to the unnecessary tag-along phrases.

A word of advice come into mind regarding the filler, though: keep the necessary words which don't disturb the sentence (subject, verb, and so on) and then put the mood-setting pieces back. Examples lie below. This method is useful if one can't perfect a sentence or paragraph through normal means, but painful for entire chapters, so do this only if felt necessary.

\\ Necessary (Ch. 12, Para. 8): "That's not gonna work," he says. Behind is a throne. Makai sighs.

Piecing together: "That's not gonna work," he says and blows a raspberry. Behind him is an ominous throne he rests upon. Legs crossed and head perched on his fist, Makai sighs.

Piecing together with mood alterations: "That's not gonna work," he says with an added raspberry. Makai reclines in an ominous throne, legs crossed and arm bowed to harbour his jaw. Heaving a sigh, he shifted. /

There is a lot I wish to say about the most recent chapter, but I have no idea how to separate my rantings into paragraphs. Let's try out a chronological method after detailing the boons these two chapters have:

The narratives are descriptive as always, and very rarely do I think that I am missing out on some specific detail. Actions, backgrounds, characters, and emotions are revealed in a long and continuous summation few can specialise in. Also, the writing style which used to be choppy and short has strengthened into a better variant, and little else besides your vocab and grammar has changed. Both are noteworthy boons to have.

You might have noticed this yourself, but everyone has the same narration style, whether it is the three main characters of the show or your OC's. Neglecting oodles of ellipses from prior chapters (you used only fourteen in this one, which is amazing), the speech pattern was so eerily similar when it more distinctive variants were necessary to match their character, even though our favourite crow used to be the snide wiseacre of the group. This is one of the key factors in multi-first-person stories, and I am personally kicking myself for not mentioning this sooner.

The flashback regarding the Karasu (the name of this clan gave me a hearty chuckle) was interesting, to say the least, but the manner that everything was expressed in was confusing. This is a flashback, sure, but it was too complex for something viewed through the eyes of a chick. The way it was laid out made me imagine that our Noah was the elder and not the child.

Lupin appears as confused as ever in this chapter. Two chappies ago he was standing above Eradicus's bloodied form looking awesome and inspiring, and now he's flippant and genuinely annoying. I am half-surprised that Noah didn't give him a slug on his wolf cheek.

Finally, we get to Makai, the imp who continues to arouse my ire. He seems more of a Loki than an evil atrocity because he seems more interested in messing with people and having fun than destroying everything. Because of this, I don't hate Seaweed Dude much, but he does crawl under one's skin at times.

Lupin and Yang are in the custody of the Fœdus Tenebris Infinitum after a six-versus-one battle which left the six badly bloodied . . . this bodes ill. Apparently, they didn't have a ghost of a chance of defeating Makai, even with Lupin's inability to sweat or draw heavy breath. I wonder if the Infernal Beast has eyes in the back of his head to avoid so many blows in that fight of epic proportion.

I can't think of anything else at the moment, probably because I'm still exhausted after yesterday's events, but I am sure the next chapter will receive a better viewpoint. I'm not used to reviewing more than one chapter, you see. While these two chapters have a few problems with them, they were still fun to read, and the second one had a decent surprise perspective. Well done, as always, and I look forward to the next chapter. Happy reading and writing, bud, and ciao!
PenGator3 chapter 13 . 4/13/2012
I hope it ends like that 1991 movie, Ricochet.
Breaking Bunnies chapter 12 . 3/27/2012
{/Beyond the very fabric of the world, in the midst of a hollow dimension that none can access\

Not gonna make the Lady Gaga joke; you've already made it in your head.}

Well, howdy-do, Mister Martin Sir! I didn't expect an update so quickly, but let's see how I can do this.

First, though filler, I sympathize with Makai's plight: nothing is more embarrassing than giving your evil speech to the farmer-turned-knight who's family you've slaughtered...and messing up your laugh. That's the icing on the cupcake, broski. However, I doubt this is the surprise POV you hinted at, considering we already had a glimpse at the Infernal Beast during chapter three. And who puts their surprises in filler? Like putting an engament ring in a trash bag and then telling your girl to search through it, not teh best idea evah.

Of course, being filler I don' t much to say aside from that my calling-of-it still stands, yet I must unveil some more of my feared keen eye. Namely, in telling the reader something that's implied in dialogue or the speaking character's past actions. Here are my examples:

/"Don't you think you should be focusing on things that aren't…trivial?" The bat suggested, disliking Makai's childish disposition. "You aren't even making any progress trying to find this Woo Foo Grandmaster."/

/"Of course," the bat responds, referring to the Black Brigade. "You were defeated by the two Original Knights and the first Woo Foo warriors. And your entire body disintegrated and disseminated across the world."/

Not to mention how 'the bat' is used in both instances (might I suggest 'the Chiropteran'?), but with the former, his first line of dialogue shows his disapproval quite clearly, also, his initial reaction to the Infernal Beast in the before-mentioned chappie three, and with the latter the line of speech following it would establish his meaning well enough. In neither case, I felt the phrase following the dialogue tags were adding anything to that which they were supposed to be complimenting. But of course I'm nitpicking, as always.

Best of luck in your revisions; I feel your pain.
Breaking Bunnies chapter 11 . 3/25/2012
Finally I can enter a review with my name attached. I only recently noticed that my review of CH went in as an anon, to which I apologize; here's to hoping you didn't read it and find yourself needing to scream at me via PM. But if so, BRING IT. Oh, I kid. Please excuse my poor reviewing; I am but a noob writing at three in the morning.

Pleasantly, you did go into the battle with Eradicus, though I must critique the placement of it. Since you used the chapter's introduction to established that all did survive, I found the battle a tad lackluster, the suspense killed minus that concerning which and whether a villain would perish. I'm surprised so little have died in the CH series mayhap that would add suspense, killing off a main character. No Azure pollen or beads, just dead and staying dead. Then we'd feel the uneasy of having an author willing to kill those with bearing to the plot then even Yang or Lupin could die (I know they both have, technically, but you get my meaning). Merely what I would do.

On the other end of the pathway, is the characters, as Dae has mentioned. Though I haven't seen many episodes involving Eradicus & co., they all sounded like their cartoon selves, which is something you've done consistently and, without doubt, above par for everyone. Also, for the romance, Lupin and Kitsune do have a sweet and believable bond, and I clap for you addressing Coop within the YinxYuck semi-subplot, along with YangxLena. People all too often blanantly reject canon, even if it isn't doing anything to serve their story. None of these pairings are overriding anything, taking a backseat to plot as they very well should. Hopefully, we'll see more of Yo and Selene soon.

That's really all I have to say about the chapter (again, three AM, and I'm afraid that if I wait the site will log me out again and I'll forget that or won't even notice), aside from what's below. This story isn't going terribly, don't worry, but as pointed out in my previous review I liked Calamity Hoppers more. However, the story finally seems to be unfolding, the only thing left being for Yo, Yin, and the rest of the Foo Fighters to join our little varicolored army. As for the unique POV, lemme guess: The mystery person who spoke to Lupin back in chapter four, or one of the three unaccounted-for Woo Foo Pioneers.

/She interrupted me, "One of your students at the Woo Foo Academy, Weiss. She and I are…related. I'll explain if we make it out of this mess alive." Weiss… It was as though she knew what I was thinking. This Kitsune…is related to Weiss, and it's definitely a significant relation. The pieces fit and it was the biggest giveaway ever./

Bemused she didn't just tell Yang right there, since the revelation of a great-granddaughter doesn't seem like something that would need to be discussed privately. Just, "Weiss is my great-granddaughter." There didn't seem to be much TO explain, or mayhap I'm missing something.

/There was no sweat, no trace of breath coming from Lupin. If he could take on the mighty griffin by himself, then we would have much less problems against Makai./

Yang just jinxed them all. CALLING IT.
Daedalus370 chapter 11 . 3/20/2012
Heyo, Martin. Once again I am here to review the current chapter, but first let me say that I'm sorry to hear about your aunt; if she knew the Lord I do not doubt that you will get to see her again beyond Heaven's gates, so buck up and don't worry for her sake too much, hm? Now, I don't want to get too preachy in a review, so I shall attempt to move on to the chapter:

Just in case there were any doubts, the update alert is working again. It didn't work the first time, as you probably have known, but the last three attempts have been rather successful.

I have found a fair amount of pluses to your work, namely, sorting from least to most interesting, the dialogue between many characters, the setting description, and the depiction within a battle. The conversations are smoother and less forced, yet there are still a few difficult areas to read; a few examples of what I mean will follow this paragraph. Secondly, you are tying imagery with the background in newer and better ways than previously, so kudos for that. Last is your ability to show the intricacies of a battle scene without getting too detailed. This is already a feat few writers are able to achieve, and bettering that is enough to show that you have gotten stronger as an author.

\\ "Uh huh. That's right." Lupin's tone changed from dead serious to patronizing in a matter of seconds. There was no denying that he was more than capable of fending for himself, but to cross Eradicus and his cohorts and to nonchalantly admit it. Is it bravery or stupidity?/

((It might be better to write this segment at least similar to this: "Uh huh, that's right," Lupin replied condescendingly. There was no denying that he was quite capable of fending for himself, but to cross Eradicus and his cohort and nonchalantly admit it...is that bravery or stupidity?" There's no need to refer to the change in tone here or even that scene between Kitsune and Lupin, I think, and putting the second and third sentence together makes a little more sense.))

"No, not him." I state… "Him." …and point to the Governor, who's sitting on the grass with crossed legs and meditating. I don't trust him one bit.

((This is a tough segment, but I'll try to write this in a clearer manner: " 'No, not him'-I point over to the Governor, the man reclining in a meditative trance on a patch of grass-'HIM.' " This is a useful and rare dash trick, but it would probably fit nicely in this scenario.)) /

There are a few minuses affecting the flow of this chapter that you should probably know about.

First is the appositive double-dashes that appear mostly in the beginning of the story; while the dash is indeed useful, it tends to be overused and should be replaced by a comma in these instances because it does not have emphasis, an abrupt shift of thought, or an interruption. For example, "straying from the path he's supposed to take – the righteous one – or losing his life" should be written as "straying the path he's supposed to take, the righteous one, or losing his life" or, better yet, "straying from the righteous path or losing his life."

The next is a common error and doesn't detract from the flow too much, but it still occurs. When ending a dialogue with "he said" or "she said," there shouldn't be a period inside the quotation marks. The reason behind this is that "he said" or "she said" are fragmented otherwise.

The last thing is the repetition at the chapter's end, perhaps the least of anyone's worries but still a little detrimental to the flow. The first part concerning the enemy hightailing it off the field is quirky but understandable, but the
Daedalus370 chapter 10 . 2/1/2012
Greetings once more, C.R.; as you might have guessed already, I'm here to review the current chapter. Monotonous is what I am, but let's see what I can come up with this time.

First of all, I don't think it is cheap to use an excerpt in something mainly original. If that were so, half of this site is a tome found on a gypsy cart at 98% off.

With that done, I'll talk about the chapter. I don't know why, but Chapter 10 did not strike me as powerfully as the others. This might be because it is an intermediary chappie or that I read the chapter too much yet, both of which I could understand, but even in the scene where Masters Ti and Chai or the revealing of the certificates I cannot feel the characters that well.

I noticed that you changed styles again, this version wordier, more explanatory, and using merely one Asian influence instead of four or five. The story is improving in leaps and bounds, not only in plot and character development but with the words behind it as well.

However, there is a limit as to how far one could explain without breaking the flow. For instance, right after Yuck asks what the dream was about lies a sizable wall of text. This could have been explained in dialogue, but instead it is clustered and repetitive. I found myself skipping over entire paragraphs because I already knew 80% of its content.

Another thing I found was this recurring theme:

\\ He murmured to the newborn babes. "Aww, my own little—"

Ti humorously commented. "Much like you did when you were—well, you still do, actually."

Her brother Chai joined with what sounded like wisdom in his tone. "And like you, they will grow up to become great Woo Foo warriors."

Without a trace of regret, the tigress voiced a rather drastic decision. "So we'll make you forget they ever existed."

Following this, a supporting statement from Chai. "You must train them without bias and without fear, or they will never reach their full potential." /

Personally, I have never liked this, half the reason because it does not work well, if at all, and the other half because it's not too pleasant on the eyes. How people voice a sentence should come after they had spoken it and not before.

As for the content of the chapter, I found the most interesting part to be the marriage and birth certificates between Maria and Yo. Their being pinned to the final leaves of a journal instead of being placed a fire box or something more protective was bemusing to say the least, and Yin's actions surprised me a bit, which is always a plus.

I suppose I put more negative traits in this chapter than positive, but most of this is nitpicking, so don't pay me too much mind. I look forward to your next installment to this sequel. Happy reading and writing, C.R., and ciao!
PenGator3 chapter 10 . 1/28/2012
About your apology, it okay; I did the same thing too you know. As a matter of fact here, it was by far a surprise twist for all of us here and there, and I for one am satisfied anyway, the twist, the flashback, and the wives; now, that was fucking awesome to me let alone cool...
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