Reviews for The Long Way home
tools-no1.biz chapter 1 . 12/29/2013
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Chris7221 chapter 1 . 2/19/2012
Good idea, bad execution. First off, not really a crossover. This story takes elements from both, but doesn't really combine them. Not necessarily a bad thing, though.

What is bad is the writing. The formatting is awful, with improper paragraph breaks and fake chapters. There are a ton of spelling and grammar mistakes. In a lot of places it simply makes no sense. It's extremely awkward and rambly. And there is next to zero depth or detail. Overall, I feel like I'm reading a bad summary of a story rather than the real thing.

If I were to read that hypothetical story, it would still be pretty mediocre. First off, background. It appears to be pretty much our world, except someone starts a nuclear war for no real reason. And there are vaults... or did they just hide in the subways? Unclear and inconsistent- if they didn't have vaults how did they survive, if they didn't why leave them. It gets worse. The group keeps changing and there is little characterization. I'm still not sure where the army came from, what role they play or whose side they are on. The virus is a deus ex machina and comes extremely suddenly with no set-up at all. And the main character does everything because he's the main character.

It looks like you played both games and tried to write a story incorporating the best elements of both. Unfortunately, it turned into a huge mess instead.
Ghost Courier chapter 1 . 11/1/2011
I really like this story, it's really well written. Only a couple of nit-picky critiques. First, try and shorten paragraphs, I got a little overwhelmed looking at it. You don't have to lose any of the detail, just cut the paragraphs up, and try to separate dialog from narration. Second, try and use the chapter system, break each of the acts or chapters, which ever they are, into separate documents and turn those into separate chapters. The publishing pages explain that. Again, really well written, just take what I have said into account, it'll only make it easier for the reader. I hope to read some more of your work soon!