|Reviews for The Day of Azrael|
| DualKatanas chapter 1 . 8/4/2011
Well, normally, I don't read much first-person stuff, but I have read some that are of very high quality, so I'm in no way opposed to them. I just prefer third-person. Anyhow, this is short enough for me to go through it with a fine-toothed (and very nitpickish) comb, so I will:
One of the reasons I don't like first person is that it's not as convenient or as easy to describe the person whose POV it is. Thus, we don't know what this bloke looks like. I get the sense, however, that he's merely there as an observer, and is inconsequental to the fic other than as a pair of eyes that we can see through. So the lack of description is, in this case, fine.
'the woman with red fire hair' - To make that easier on the eyes and the imagery, I'd have used 'fire-red hair'.
And here you don't have such a good excuse for skimping on the description. This story isn't told through Azrael's eyes, and as she's the central character we really need to know more about what she looks like. Right now, all we have is her hair colour and the fact that she has fair skin, which isn't enough. What about eye colour, shape, build, equipment (Two guns is fine, but what's she wearing?)? We need to be able to picture someone in our minds, and right now it's not easy due to the lack of description.
'Azrael smiled, "Good, the desert is not comfortable…"' - I'll use this line as an example: that should be a full stop there before the speech starts, not a comma. Sometimes a comma works, but every time in this fic I think you need a full stop.
'"What brings you hear," I queried.' - Another recurring mistake: 'hear' should be 'here'. The spellchecker won't pull you up on that one, but it's very, very wrong and I saw it multiple times.
Ah, 21.6. I like that reference.
'Her face took a serious turned' - Hmm... that 'turned' should be 'turn', but I wouldn't phrase it like that. I'd have said 'Her face turned serious' or something like that.
Jearl isn't an important character, obviously, but she also deserves more description than just her hair colour. And 'auburn', being a hair colour, doesn't need a capital.
'"Thank you," Responded Azrael.' - No capital needed for the 'responded'.
'Hours past, having smoked enough for a while' - This would work better with a full stop after the first two words.
In that same paragraph... we know next to nothing about this bloke, but how can he so readily assume that he wouldn't be a match for Azrael? Obviously, he can probably tell that she's good at what she does, but the fact is he has a magnum and I presume he knows how to operate it. That at least gives him some power. Any man can point a gun at someone. Of course, not all men would hit their target, but this is the wasteland; survival skills are necessary.
'as the man pulled out a switchblade, Azrael knocked it' - Personally, I think a semi-colon would work better here in place of that comma. It doesn't seem to flow very well as it is.
'her feet pulling her Trail Carbine' - 'Pulling her Trail Carbine off her back' would make more sense here.
'her finger squeezed the trigger and the bullet shot out from the gun and exploded the man's head killing him' - Not the best sentence I've ever read. You don't need to state that the bullet leaves the gun; we all know what happens when you pull the trigger. Nor do you have to state the fact that the unfortunate sod got killed; it's hard to live on with an exploded head.
'Azrael sighed then holstering her rifle.' - Grammatically, that should be 'holstered'.
Hmm... I've noted that for several paragraphs in a row - more than once - you've started with the same word (in this case 'I', common in first-persons). Try to avoid that; it looks dull and uninspiring. Sometimes it's unavoidable, but if I see a lot of paragraphs in a row all starting with 'I', it starts to sound more like an account than a story.
'Hopefully, I never do.' - Not sure, but I think 'will' would be a better choice than 'do' here.
Overall, to be honest, it's not good. There ARE spelling and grammar mistakes, but they're fairly minor and can be easily fixed. The main problem is the description; there's simply not enough of it. If Azrael is going to be central to a lot of future stories, then it's important that we get this image of her in our minds well-painted from the off. Right now, the description needed for that isn't there. And a lot of the lines could use fleshing out; most of them are just dialogue or action. Try inserting description and maybe a bit more action here and there. It will almost definitely help.
That said, this introduces the character quite well. Apart from the description, we now have a picture of what Azrael is like in the eyes of a bystander. That much, at least, is good.
| Cressida Isolde chapter 1 . 8/1/2011
There's something really compelling about this. And the introduction to your character was really original. I'm interested to see what more you'll write :)
| PervyMonk chapter 1 . 7/31/2011
There's some minor grammar errors, such as the use of ellipses for pauses. I like the basic idea though! I'm interested in the narrator's backstory, and who this mysterious Azrael is. I'm excited to see which on is the courier!