|Reviews for Morphed|
| St Elmo's Fire chapter 1 . 8/2/2011
[I furrowed my brow and tried to desperately remember the combination to my bike padlock as the summer sun beat down on the back of my neck.]
This sounds somewhat awkward – I think it should be “desperately tried to”, not the other way around.
[The heat had been unbearable these last few days; and that combined with my scatter-brained memory made the all-important pin number fade and disappear from my head like water turning to mist in sunlight.]
Improper use of a semicolon; it should be a comma instead. Also, isn't “PIN” supposed to be capitalized? (And doesn't the “N” stand for “number” anyway, making it kind of redundant?)
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or pokemart.
[I baked slowly, simmering on this inside as well as the outside with futility, and began trying numbers that sprung to mind.]
I believe that should be “the”, not “this”. Also, this is kind of melodramatic.
Use double quotes for dialogue, not single ones.
Speaking of which, dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
['You know, those things are really pointless.' He pointed out helpfully. 'Anyone with a half-decent Pokémon could cut it easy.']
If this is so, then it begs the question of how and why such a useless thing was invented in the first place. You can't always copy real technology if it's in the wrong context, since we don't have superpowerful magical animals running around. Either something that can withstand pokemon attacks would be made, or, if it was impossible, the inventors wouldn't bother making a useless lock in the first place.
[I reached for the Ultra Ball, which had rolled to my feet]
...Shouldn't he have held on to something that important, instead of dropping it like an idiot?
['Hey, I only live a block away from here. Do you mind if you come and say hi to her? It would make her day.'
'Yeah, sure.' I replied. And with those two words, my normal life disappeared forever.]
So an irritable, asocial woman agrees to come to the house of a random stranger for no other reason than to talk to a little kid, who she'll probably hate? You're violating what little characterization you've given her just to advance the plot, and it really breaks suspension of disbelief.
[As I walked, I felt my injured pride swell a little. It was good to know at least someone remembered my League challenge, and admired me for it.]
I see, so she's such an arrogant, pompous jerk that any person who strokes her pride even a little can get her to do anything?
[He rounded on me in an instant, moving much faster than I would have expected, and he grabbed my forearm roughly, pulling me closer and putting something over my mouth before I could make a sound. Terror thrashed inside me blindly, whilst I wriggled desperately. His heavy panting sounded loud in my ears as he held me firmly, expertly restraining my arms and legs so I couldn't escape.]
How shocking and unexpected.
Your protagonist (you still haven't mentioned her name, by the way) is really holding the idiot ball here. If she's such an accomplished trainer, she should be more suspicious of such an obvious trap.
[Oh god...how could I have been so stupid]
How indeed. Also, I think you made a space after this by accident, since there's an ellipses after it.
Anyway, though I'm glad that someone with an original trainer is actually starting when their plot starts instead of doing the generic “wake up and get starter pokemon” routine and your grammar is tolerable, you should really work on your characterization. Making your characters do whatever ridiculous thing is necessary to drive the plot along rather than considering the personality you've made for them is sloppy writing.
| Pikajenn chapter 2 . 8/2/2011
Interesting story. Very well written. The mix of tenses in this chapter was a good way to separate what reality was from her dream.
No bio? I was trying to figure out where you were from. _ I was curious as to why you used single quotation marks instead of double for your character's speaking lines.
Anyway, the story is a lot more interesting than the summary. Great job. I hope to read more :)
| Ajwf is a verb chapter 2 . 8/2/2011
I like the story so far, but what the first review didn't catch, I did... In the second paragraph, second chapter, and even a little into the third paragraph, you mixed tenses quite a bit from present to past. Slightly annoying, nothing major.
Overall, I like the story, but you just have to watch the tenses. Generally, it happens when you start writing, and then stop for a while.
| Ninja.Bush.Duck chapter 2 . 8/2/2011
No spelling or grammatical mistakes, as far as I can tell, which is excellent in comparison to most fanfiction.
I must say that you write exceptionally well. You obviously have a talent that is being overlooked. Try to spice up the summary a bit, though. And maybe work on the dialogue a little bit.