|Reviews for Darkness Within|
| BlueVendetta chapter 2 . 10/12/2013
Good one- shot. And yes, I would read it if you made it into a story :D
I'm curious to find out if they stay together or go separate ways.
please make into a story!
| amberivy chapter 2 . 2/10/2013
MAKE IT A STORYYYY!
| Fourswordslover chapter 2 . 7/22/2012
You tease me! D': I thought there waz moar! Sad anyway very good! Thx for writing and uploading!
| Resident Evil Lionhart chapter 2 . 1/26/2012
Please make it a full story?
| Coffee-Addict-Ngh chapter 1 . 1/11/2012
are ya sure he doesn't want to 'impale him' on his 'sword' ;) tho i supose he'd want Dark to be the one doing it lol
| Flame Darkmoon chapter 2 . 1/7/2012
I want you to turn this into a story plus I Like what you did to navi there.
| yayubaru1 chapter 2 . 1/4/2012
STORY! storystorystorystorystory! pweeeeeeeeeeeeeease story pweease?
i love the idea of this being a story *if you couldn't tell* it would be AMAZING! though youd have to do before the temple chappie(s) to make more sense. AND MORE NAVI BASHING!
again i beg you PWEEASEEEEE?
| dAygLowoRange chapter 1 . 12/21/2011
I freaking LOVE what you did with navi! haha! and the opinions about the water temple, perfect! i super love this haha and look forward to the revised version and the story! 333
| ColdHeartedVixen chapter 2 . 9/10/2011
I'd like to see it as a story.
| D-chan chapter 1 . 8/21/2011
The story was awesome :) wish it was longer
| Ten ways to spoil dinner chapter 1 . 8/16/2011
I'll start with the small things I noted about this story, so they don't get overshadowed by the larger flaws.
First thing I noticed was that you seemed to change between present and past tense. It isn't quite as bad in a first-person story as it is in a third-person story, as the person telling the story might switch between the two, but it just makes it harder to read. For example:
"I hate this temple!" I groaned. With its disgusting water filled with the feces of the monsters that inhabit it, to the freezing water that I am submerged in almost constantly, this has to be the worst temple by far.
You go from 'I groaned' (past tense) to, 'water that I am submerged in' (present tense). Then the next paragraph begins with 'I walked' which is past tense. I'd advise you look over your stories before posting to make sure you use the same tense, especially if you were going for present tense, the lesser-used tense, as people tend to get into the habit of going back to past tense.
Second thing is just my being nit-picky, but the '6 hours later' cut seems a tad nondescript. The phrase that comes to mind is 'show, don't tell'. Just saying it's six hours later isn't /too/ bad, but at the very least, try to blend the time more into the story. Like, if when Link woke up, Navi told him he was asleep for several hours, or just saying six hours passed in the paragraph, itself, instead of using it as a cut to the next scene.
The next problem came with dialogue. I noticed it a lot when Link and Dark were talking.
"I'm not really sure. The fat man never gave me a name." He answer with an amused smirk.
In the above, there should be a comma at the end of what Dark is saying, and he shouldn't be capitalized. It continues the sentence, though it is after what Dark actually said. Same goes for when Dark says something that ends with a question mark or exclamation point:
"So, the Hero of Time finally came?" The figure asked in a deep voice.
Don't need a comma for this, but the should be lower-case.
The only time it stays upper case is if it's a proper noun (Navi, for example).
Now I think I'll get to the big one: The lemon. Being it's the focal point of the story, and pretty much the sole purpose of the story, there's no two-ways about it: This story is rated MA. As in, it's explicit sexual content, which is against this site's rules. Being you're supposed to read them before you publish a story, you should have been able to see that. And on the matter of breaking rules, though this point may be moot, your second 'chapter' is just an author's note, and has no story in it, so that breaks another rule.
Being this oneshot is centered around sex, I can't imagine you changing it to be nonsexual. So, the best thing I could advise is for you to move this story to another site where MA content is not restricted. I hope you are willing to oblige, and listen to the other tips I listed in this review.
"A well rounded critique is often the most rewarding gift a reader can give . Please use this golden opportunity to offer a well deserved praise and/or tips for improvement."
Ten ways to spoil dinner
| FifthDayOfMay chapter 1 . 8/14/2011
XD I love that he considers what he sidi defeating him. That's beautiful Dark. It was very well written. I hate to admit it though but as mch as she annoys me I still love Navi. Is she going to be okay in that bottle? Also, I adore that he just kinda dragged Dark off with him. XD Made me laugh.
| marywatson chapter 1 . 8/9/2011
Haha you should write more! I actually love what you did with her. Could you make a longer one? More detailed well, not like that haha but, with a larger plot or story line?