|Reviews for Beautiful|
| FourCandles chapter 1 . 1/5/2013
A truly beautiful and imaginable story with two surprising turns. All senses are included while reading. Keep up that good style of writing, it's really a pleasure to read it!
| zombie chow chapter 1 . 11/8/2011
Whoah man. Just whoah.
This was pretty freaking good.
I don't know why, but I have a love for stories and bits about beauty and vanity, the obsession of it and the loss of it. And this was done pretty awesomely. The main character was not made into a "pretty" vampire which was refreshing. It fit with the theme. Your character is believable and dynamic. And as much as I love the both of them, I'm glad this didn't completely circulate around Lucien or Vicente. It was a nice change.
I just realized that you also wrote "the Archer and the Lioness." I remember reading that, loving it, but foolishly not reviewing it. Well. Know now that I loved that one, too.
| Mephala's Sibling chapter 1 . 8/22/2011
Wow, first off I'm shocked at how beautifully written this is, and then I'm shocked at the lack of reviews. It definatly deserves more than just three...so I'm going to make it four. I'm also going to try really, really hard to give you a helpful critic. For two reasons: One, I need to pratise and two I think you deserve it. :)
'She straightens up and stands with her legs planted firmly apart on the wooden ridge. Such an unfeminine stance; but she no longer cares for such things. There is no one to affect them for anymore.' I didn't really understand this line. Particularly the last part of it. It could be just me but it seemed to jump out and confuse me somewhat. I think it could be improved slightly if just to make more sense, otherwise it is a very good line to use.
'She hadn't known enough then, to know that something was wrong' (I'm nit-picking here.) I don't think you need the comma, it would flow slightly easier without it.
'For leave, she knows they must.' This is another line that doesn't really make much sense where you have placed it.
'She has learned his name is Darius Suintilius; she remembers it as soon as he tells her and curses herself for forgetting.' If she remembers his name as soon as he tells her, why then would she forget? Again this is another line that confuses me somewhat.
To be brutally honest, I really cannot find anything other than those four things that I find could be changed or improved. The rest is beautifully written, beautifully described and it is a beautiful plot line. One of which I haven't read before. It is a truely unique take on a story and like I keep repeating it is beautiful.
Good... no, excellent work. :)
| Kat chapter 1 . 8/12/2011
OMG that was brill! I love it how you made her so...aggresive when it came to beauty, and how you made the Night Mother so horrid toward her. Carana seems like an awesome person to me - she can totally(verbally)kick the Night Mother's butt!
Great job! xx
| Sheogorath chapter 1 . 8/7/2011
Great story! I liked it alot!
| DualKatanas chapter 1 . 8/7/2011
Figured I'd start chronologically. And firstly, don't worry about the length. ~9000 words is below my average chapter length for BaS, so it's more than fine for a oneshot. Splitting it probably wouldn't improve the flow. Now, on with the actual review:
Recurring throughout this entire fic is both using the same word to start consecutive paragraphs, and overuse of 'she'. Now, the uniqueness of the fic doesn't make this as bad as normal - we don't learn her name until near the end - but it's still questionable. Too much use of 'She' to start a paragraph in a row might make this sound more like an account than a story.
I do, however, like those transitions between past and present, the tenses changing with them. Normally, I prefer it all to be past, but this all works very well. And the description throughout is good, very good; it needs to be, as beauty tends to be the recurring theme here.
I wouldn't call the Hunter's Sight a 'detect life spell', though ingame effectively it is. If it's a vampiric ability, then it makes sense that a vampire can call and banish the life-sight while barely thinking about it; no need to go through the motions of a spell.
Ah, good to see the use of Silence spells to still sound. I didn't think there were any other active authors in this fandom who used them like that... it's logical that they can work like that. I love how malleable magic can be...
Hmm... this might seem nitpickish, as there's actually ntohing wrong with it, but I don't like the use of 'Drain Fatigue spell'. Logically, if you drain someone's fatigue, you're actually making them less tired; in this context, Drain Fatigue refers to draining the green bar ingame. That's what I call 'ingameish' - suitable for the game, but not for a fic. In this instance, I'd have gone for 'a spell that knocked him out'. OK, that's a crude example (it's late, my brain is getting tired), but it's better than 'Drain Fatigue spell', in my opinion.
Odd. Darius is a mage; why doesn't he fortify his speed and his stamina so he can keep up with a running vampire? Obviously, he can't keep that up forever, but with fortification magic, he can at least keep up for a while. Or is Restoration not his strong point?
I can see why Darius starts loving her, but it leads me to question what his previous life was like, to be so willing to elope with a vampire. Didn't he have friends, family, work left behind? Unless he's completely unattached, he's bound to have unfinished business of some sort. Still, he knew he'd been targeted; maybe he'd settled all that already.
I... like that bit at the end. Seems that the Night Mother is wrong after all...
Overall... pretty bloody good. As I said, description is excellent, and the plot is good as well. It's not something you see every day - always a good thing - and it's suitably gripping. While this could have been a multi-chapter, it also works very well as a oneshot. There are only a very few things holding it back (I, for one, was affected by that 'she' repetition, though admittedly it's a bit hard to avoid when her name is unknown), but most of that doesn't change the fact that this is very well-written. In fact... taking into account the fact that it's a oneshot, it's good enough - just - to meet the high standards that are required to make it onto my Favourite Stories list. I'll be reading your other fic as soon as I get the time tomorrow, and if it's as good as this, then I know I'll have some quality reading material. :)