|Reviews for Zack's Adventures In Babysitting|
| Mislav chapter 1 . 5/7/2013
All people who are posting bad reviews are posting as guests. C-O-W-A-R-D-S.
| Needs realistic explanation chapter 1 . 8/12/2011
This is better, but you need to realize readers don't know what's in your mind. We need details on things in your story, and they don't have to be big. You provide more than you were but you messed up with Jessica's nap, when you had a perfect explanation that you let slip away.
First, the good - you mentioned the conflict that had come between Zack and his friend, and had some of the characters' feelings. The "incident yesterday" part, we could have used an explanation of *what* it was, but at least you showed Zack being willing to help and you could have just had Mr. Belding's thoughts like this: "Zack is usually a troublemaker, but perhaps there's a side to him I've never seen. So, I'll give him a chance." See, that explains to readers *why* Zack mentions some incident we don't know about while not having to be specific.
Now, as for Jessica. You did well breezing through the day, and did *very* well with Zack's short explanation of a funeral. I don't know why her parents didn't tell her, but she could be asking someone else for confirmation; kids do that sometimes.
The only problem is 7-year-olds do *not* take naps. Ever. It sounds like you wanted to put some reason for her to wake up into your story without thinking about realism, which is very important. If something is not normal, at least a short explanation is needed. Suspension of disbelief is for science fiction (most of which is really science fantasy.)
Here's where I say, though, that you passed up a *perfect* way to have sleepy *and* to introduce the problem of her being sick.
That explanation is that she still felt weak fromt he flu or something. (Alternatively, her being tired and *wanting* to take a nap could be a clue she's getting sick, but it seems like you didn't want her to be at the start of the flu, but the end.)
So, mention that, and that she'd be more tired, then when she wakes up achy Zach will worry that the flu is coming back. He takes care of it and everything's fine. It's very plausible. Even TV shows where this would happen need a throwaway line to explain it.
However, otherwise it was good. Just aim for a little more realism. Try asking yourself, "Why is this happening." And look at those in your life and try to figure it out - I'll bet you no 7-year-old you know ever took naps regularly unless they were sick or had been sick.
| professor2343630313 chapter 1 . 8/7/2011
seriously? a 7 year old taking a nap? that's retarded. speaking of retarded, this story sucks. my hamster could write better stories than you.
| biohazard chapter 1 . 8/7/2011
this story was so stupid.
| Mickiecuteknight chapter 1 . 8/6/2011
Love the story. I like seeing this side of Zach.
| sfbxfcb chapter 1 . 8/6/2011
| luckyxlabradoodlexloverx7 chapter 1 . 8/6/2011
this was really cute.