|Reviews for Can I Check You Out?|
| Haha chapter 1 . 8/4/2014
I'm Dying here. I really liked ur ending. Thnx for such a great fic.
| Riku Yamamoto chapter 1 . 6/28/2013
Ooh... This story got me laughing.
| FAN-atic-ionary chapter 1 . 7/20/2012
hahahahahahha... that's so funny :) I've heard of you before and I 've actually read this fic a long time ago, just that I didn't have a ff account so i didn't review. I'm looking back now at some of my bookmarked favs and lol, it made me double in laughter srsly- especially the hw one :)
Keep on writing
| KL93 chapter 1 . 7/14/2012
Bahaha! I love this. You should definitely add more haha.
| LupinIIIisTheRealBae chapter 1 . 6/30/2012
Overall: I love the concept, but I just don't like how it was executed? Yes, I think that's it. It was inconsistent in my opinion. I think it was inconsistent because Akaya's reactions weren't what I would have expected them to be, but once I understood the way you were characterizing him, the inconsistency was mostly gone.
OC: Kato seemed too... ready, I guess, to shoot Akaya down. She's too cunning, too sly, and too crafty; it seems she's just that. There's nothing else to her. I know it's a one-shot, and she's supposed to be a flat character, but a little fleshing out wouldn't hurt. She seems like she's always a step ahead, but why is she that way?
Towards the end, I was hoping Niou would shed some light on her character a know that she had tricked Akaya, maybe giving a reason why he chose her of all the girls that were (possibly) in the library.
Marui: I think you kept him in character.
Niou: "Doubling over in laughter" I feel was out of character. Just that last scene in general. Even if he didn't know that Kato would pull something like that, I think he would feign apathy about losing the bet. After he discovered what he did, he might laugh, but I don't think his laughter would consume him that much. Maybe some snickering.
Dialogue/Description: The description was lacking, and if there was more in between the dialogue, it wouldn't have been nearly as inconsistent. If you explained more, it would help a bit.
Akaya: A little wishy-washy in his reactions to being shot down,and I would have expected a little more whining on his part.
*looks over* I guess that's it!
| SunneRaine chapter 1 . 6/29/2012
So, here’s a more in-depth dissection of this story.
Like Mercy, I’m not the biggest fan of the plot/prompt in general. I think pick up lines are overly cheesy, and it’s just not something that I would read. On top of that, considering the culture - but let's not go there, what with the lemons of fourteen year olds rampant in the fandom.
When you introduce the OC, I’m immediately intrigued. I don’t like how you follow so quickly into the line, “I beg you Akaya can’t get her number…” Give me something more. I’m looking for BACKSTORY. Something along the lines of…
“No way,” Marui breathed, sneaking another look. “Didn't she beat out Yanagi in the rankings last year?”
Something like that. Set up a PREMISE for why they want to mess with her. You make her into a very cunning and quick-mouthed character, so give me an explanation to go with that.
Marui wouldn’t be so keen on betting against Niou. Come on, we’re talking NIOU here. The resident TRICKSTER. So build it up. Maybe they start by contemplating how Akaya got a confession lately, and how he’s getting better with the ladies. Maybe Marui gets tricked into it. Off the top of my head:
“I bet you Akaya can’t get her number. If he does, I’ll steal Sanada’s hat.”
“Are you kidding? That kid’s on fire lately; he could probably even get her number by using the cheesiest pickup lines.”
Either way, Marui needs an incentive to believe in Akaya. He agrees to Niou’s scheme way to quickly.
Kirihara also agrees to the scheme way too quickly. First off, is Satomi attractive. If she is, that’s his first incentive and you need to SHOW me that. Have Kirihara say something like, “She’s kinda hot, but…” And he needs to react more vehemently against the pick up lines requirement as well. Maybe have Niou taunt him, like, “Come on, aren’t you Rikkai’s junior ace? All the girls supposedly love you, don’t they?” Have you seen the PairPuri episodes? Ryoma taunts Kirihara into wearing a gown. Build off something like that.
I want more insight on what Satomi feels when Kirihara approaches her. What does ‘ready to flirt’ look like? SHOW ME. Is there a glint in his eye, or is he eyeing her up and down?
“However, she enjoyed messing with some of the people that tried to mess with her while she worked.” I don’t like this line. It tells me nothing at all and just seems to be there to bring out what happens next. Change it, give me a funny anecdote.
I can’t say much for the actual pick-up line usage, because I do find it cheesy and distasteful. You use the work “smirk” quite a few times, so I would definitely curb your use of that. I’m not I get the whole “fine print” “large print” line.
“She inwardly cheered when his jaw dropped.” She comes off as a little cool and calculating, so this is a break from her character. I wouldn’t say cheered. I would stick with smiled, or maybe even a quote: “Ha. Gotcha,” she inwardly said.
Definitely give me more insight on Kirihara’s mindset. If I were him, I’d give up after the fourth try. Why does he go back constantly? It’s pretty humiliating. You need to give me a REASON here.
Again, when she blushes. Character inconsistency here. Although I do like Kirihara’s sudden gleeful hope that, “This was the one!” So I guess I’m conflicted.
All in all, I find this a cute and light read, but not something I thoroughly enjoyed. That being said, besides some extra things that you could include, I found the characters all IC and Satomi somewhat interesting.
| autumn's fairy thyme14 chapter 1 . 4/21/2012
Loving Akaya, Marui and Niou's quirkiness! :3 Nice to read that tennis players actually have homework and goes to libraries too and has time for pick up lines :)
| AznMistress chapter 1 . 1/3/2012
...OH MY GOSH.
i heart that. :D hehe. and they were pretty funny too! hehe
shes smart thou..giving out the library's phone number..xD lol.
| KIAimi chapter 1 . 12/2/2011
I loved Kirihara's lame pick up lines especially the homework one I was dying xD
| StoryReader888 chapter 1 . 11/28/2011
Oh my god, this was so epic, words can't even describe! xD I laughed sooo hard! It's nice to see a humor fic once in a while, since most of them are angst, haha. The pickup lines were priceless, as well. Well written, and VERY entertaining! :D
| NikkaHi chapter 1 . 10/16/2011
haha xD this just about made my day xD so funny :P
| koizumichii chapter 1 . 8/29/2011
LOL...this is hilarious...really... i love pick up lines if like this will it turn out... XD
gomen..i forgot to review a few weeks ago.. hehe...
keep writing like this one..i really love it...
| Split Illusion chapter 1 . 8/9/2011
Ooo, I really like this one-shot :) Loved the different interations going on between Kirihara and Kato~hilarious. I also really liked the interation between Niou and Marui. The different conversations were great and flowed easily. I also really liked your OC, she was pretty funny and wasn't falling all over Kirihara or running scared from him.
The only thing I would have loved to see that wasn't there was either Niou or Marui going through with what they said they would do, but I can understand why you left it out.
| Chillybean chapter 1 . 8/7/2011
AHAHA! Aww! Poor Marui and poor Akaya XD
| love at third sight chapter 1 . 8/7/2011
I feel like with this kind of fic, there should definitely be more description to make it hilarious.
That's probably all I have to say. XDDDD