Reviews for Fighting Battles(discontinued for now)
nbp chapter 3 . 7/30/2014
Hello, NBP again. :)
so here are some more critiques (please don't hate me)
- "and the fiesty Ryouko just stared back" - an adjective doesn't really fit here, if you really want something other than "and Ryouko stared back" then try an adverb for "stared" because an adjective sounds clunky in this context.
- "Amaya walked down the street in plain t-shirt and some big pair of jeans." there are quite a few things wrong with this sentence that make it very awkward, I'm sure you can figure it out.
- "Amaya sat closet to the window" - *closest
- "I'm just going to be asking these questions blunt" - there are a few ways to put this sentence correctly, but I like "I'm just going to be blunt".
- "What's your..."
The next day! - don't just jump like that, at least explain that he kept asking questions for the rest of their time in the restaurant. Also, stop putting time jumps in italics, it doesn't fit at all, just put it in the narrative instead of exclaiming "The next day!" in italics.
I'm getting tired of critiquing so I'm just going to read and review from here on out, unless something really stands out.
nbp chapter 2 . 7/30/2014
It's me again!
Critiques:
- "I see your already" - "I see you're up already" and "today is your first day at otogi high" is still kind of clunky.
- 'she wore "wolf's clothing"' when from another character's perspective, and one who doesn't even know okami-san at that, should not describe okami-san on sight as that. Just describe her appearance.
-"Um are you guys going to the Otogi High School..?" should have a comma after "um" and you should omit "the" from the sentence.
-"amaya felt her bag slipping off my shoulder" - I shouldn't have to point this one out to you.
-when describing physical exertion, you should probably use "a droplet of sweat" or something of the sort, when using it in a comical sense, you should use sweatdrop, not sweatmark.
-"'WELL?' Everyone yelled at her." The yell was very out of place, you should put more thought into these small phrases.
I'm really not trying to be a jerk, I'm actually trying to help you, I promise. I don't know where the story's going, but I'll continue to read it.
nbp chapter 1 . 7/30/2014
I really like the story, I hope you update soon!
Now for some constructive critiques:
- Don't put "sigh" in quotes, it's very clunky. Just described that the person sighed; if it's done right then it won't take away from the reading experience.
- When Amaya says "Don't mess with me again. Understood." it should be "Don't mess with me again, Understood?" - just punctuation.
-"She two enjoyed watching herself beat up boys." - I know it's obvious, but I'll point it out anyway: "two" should be "too", "herself" should be "the girl", and "boys" should be "the boys", but I think the whole sentence should be rephrased because I think you're writing is a lot better than that sentence would be, even if it were grammatically correct.
- "She was wearing wolf skin clothing" - I'm sure those who have seen Okami-san know what you mean, but this is awkward for what you meant to say. Maybe something like "our sheep in wolf's clothing" or something of the sort, but saying she was wearing it makes it seem that you meant those words literally, and I'm pretty sure that Okami-san would not wear wolf-skin.

I know this review was long and criticizing, but I only did that to show that I want you to continue writing(preferably this story :) ). It really is great so far.
sophiashyaway chapter 14 . 10/20/2013
This was soooo cute!
demonic chapter 13 . 8/14/2013
well for the past two days I have been reading this start to finish and I personally loved every nail biting second of it there were some grammer and sentence structure issues that I some times saw but it did not really take away from the story also I would personally like to to see Liszt paired with Amaya so I hope to see a continuation of this soon
sophiashyaway chapter 13 . 6/4/2013
I looove how List tried to be a knight in shinning armor but got beat up instead. It's almost like the universe punished him so he could redeem himself.
Willifur chapter 12 . 2/1/2013
Hmmm, a little weird and interesting!
Willifur chapter 11 . 1/22/2013
That was a good chapter! Its sure to be interesting!
Willifur chapter 10 . 1/13/2013
That was a good chapter, and a good idea! Thank you sophiashyaway! Keep up the good work on this story!
sophiashyaway chapter 9 . 1/5/2013
No incest, i want her with liszt Kiriki! it would be soo cute! And something with his cross dressing alter ego. she figres out its him on her own but not right away. In fact have his girl self try setting himself with her, but not in such a way that she ends up wanting to kill him when she figures out the whole cross dressing thing. I hope that wasn't too confusing, sometimes i can't really get my piont across.
Willifur chapter 9 . 12/24/2012
Oh wow! Well I liked this chapter! You should I few couples going! Maybe add a little drama! Like ryoushi with ryouko and amya or something like that!
Himeno Kazehito chapter 9 . 12/23/2012
I kinda vote for AmayaxLiszt.
Willifur chapter 8 . 11/9/2012
Oh thats an interesting end to the chapter! Im interested to see what happens next!
Himeno Kazehito chapter 7 . 10/20/2012
Cant wait to see whats next
morganclaire1 chapter 7 . 9/26/2012
Really good! Can't wait for the update! Oh and the Hiro dude is Shiro right? He's just going all creep status disguise? sorry i'm tired so everything is just going right past my head lol.
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