|Reviews for Surviving Through It All|
| The Bitter Kitten chapter 1 . 7/11/2012
This was pretty enjoyable :)
I'd go back and revise a bit. It seems like this got written in a rush because you're missing a few words here and there and your phrasing is awkward in places. I got what you wanted to say overall, but it took a bit of parsing.
This was an interesting pairing, and I wish I could have seen more of their characters. It's a bit hard because they don't really get exposition or monologues in game, but I sort of feel like this couple could be anyone, not Luigi and Sheik specifically.
I like bookending the sweet scene with the somber one of her funeral / burial.
| Pikana chapter 1 . 8/16/2011
... This pairing... *spams fav button* Geeze louise, I love you brought this story together. Rare that the emotion of a story gets through: very powerful indeed. The points are clear and beautiful.
Hmm... my only real issue as a reviewer is that you can tell that some parts don't exactly fit. The story flows at some points but you can tell that story changed from fluff to epic life story. Maybe you can work on some of the 'waffle' in other parts of the story as well. Some parts are a bit unneccesary in my opinion.
Overall, it's up to you because you've crafted a stunning piece. Well done.
"It was not a loss. It was a conclusion."
Fav line forever. So sad, so touching. Amazing work once again.
| Citizen chapter 1 . 8/16/2011
Nice fic. Weird pairing, but it was a good unusual read.
Your blog hasn't updated with your review of top ten fics. I was looking forward to that because its hard to find good fics here.
| Araceli L chapter 1 . 8/15/2011
Allow me a moment to mop my room of all my tears.
I'm bawling. Absolutely bawling. The rock back and forth, hold your knees, your face screwed up kind of bawling. And I keep crying.
I want you to get the full idea of how muc this hit me. Alright, right before I read this, I was high on no-sleep and endorphins from full on dancing/rocking out to Bad Reputation, for the FOURTH time. Does that put it into perspective?
I just keep leaning forward, head in my hands, and crying. This was so damn beautiful, MoD.
I'm not even going to bother to specify good/bad things, 1) because I'm crying too hard and 2) because the whole thing was so mind-blowingly, numblingly, spine-tingling, reassuringly, beautifully, tearingly, amazingly incredible.
I know I love all of your works, but this one has a certain place in me. This one touched me, as a lot of your stories have, but this one profoundly.
Okay, okay, I think I've controlled myself a little bit. *sniff*
Your best work, Cam, to me. I don't know how much that's worth, but to me, this piece is the best.
| CharmyMew chapter 1 . 8/15/2011
And yet another beautiful story from you! Luigi and Sheik is an odd pairing, but you really made it work well. The story flows nicely and gives a lot of detail. My only complaint is that the beginning was a little confusing. It took a while to understand what was going on. I think you should divide the page after "I began" to make it a little more clear. Other than that, fantastic job! :D
Congratulations on doing so good in the contest! Paradigms is a wonderful story; you deserve it! :)
| joebthegreat chapter 1 . 8/15/2011
Well hello again messenger. I have a complaint to register. The dream I received last night was full of strange double meaning. Why would you send me such a dream?
I'd like to forewarn you that I'm in a silly mood, so some of these points are silly.
1.) In the disclaimer you say you own nothing. Nothing at all? Not even clothes to shield you from the cold winters? I'm so worried about you.
2.) The sky was pure blue? That's ridiculously unnatural. My sky is sky blue almost all of the time. I don't know if I've ever seen a sky with the settings ["0", "0", "255"], but I know it looks wrong.
3.) Your narrator began, but then we continued with narration describing your narrator keeping his eyes closed while being led around. So wait, what did your narrator begin?
Or is this story what the narrator began?
4.) I've gone for a while without having a negative point, so let's have a positive one. The love-filled descriptions of how he feels to be around Sheik works nicely. It flows with the story and feels real.
5.) "they were very thin, but very catching" could simply be, "they were thin, but catching".
Generally adding "very" to something is pointless as far as description goes.
The same goes for other sentences when you say "a lot" before your description.
6.) "It's enough of a connected mind boggle to make a half assed Inception joke"
Hmm. You're in a pure romance story and you're making a layered
joke that's designed to be funny based on how far the layers go?
And then you point out Inception?
Don't get me wrong, it's kind of funny, but it's one of those cheap tricks used by authors that really only usually goes into poorly made humor/parody stories. It feels out of place in this romance.
Then again Luigi is apparently a big goof, so I'll let it slide.
7.) "I laughed at her random inclusion of Germany."
Ah, I thought he would be laughing at her random inclusion of a candy bar.
But seriously. Showing their neat little quirks is great, but this entire line full of him explaining that it's German, and then explaining that she usually does this, and then explaining why she does it, and then explaining how it's an in joke, etc... is unnecessary.
You could just as easily have him laugh and mention it was an in-joke. Everything else is long-winded and distracting from the mood of the story.
8.) Ah they've survived through it all. I have no problem with Sheik pointing that out, but maybe she could have simply said "three children, ten grandchildren, and two great grandchildren", or else "five jobs, three houses, and x near death experiences,".
My point is that you should try to limit the lists that characters make in their dialogue. If you make those lists go on too long your reader will start to feel like you're just explaining a list of what happened instead of taking them through the emotion of what happened.
9.) "She knew what I was thinking, because she had five decades to study me." might work better as "She knew what I was thinking. She had five decades to study me."
The "because" is implied and is extra space.
10.) "It was not a loss. It was a conclusion."
Excellent. Well done. Great writing. I give you applause.
11.) OK, so that was a flashback mixed in between Luigi giving his speech?
Hmm. How would I include that flashback?
One method would be to have the events not in the flashback occur as present tense, so as to make it more clear when past tense is happening.
Another method would be to have Luigi's narration explain, instead of simply "I began.", but to explain that these were the memories he had leading up to this point.
I'm not entirely sure, but I know that's the one point of your story that is the most jarring.
In the end this is a sweet story. The emotion is powerful and the reader really gets a sense of understanding the points you want to make without having to be directly told. The dialogue and narration flows and the points made are beautiful and at the same time natural. You didn't write this with a heavy hand.
I'm glad I read this. You really are good at working emotion into your stories. With a slight bit more polish I think you have what it takes to be among the best authors on the site.