|Reviews for Because|
| The Dark Deceiver chapter 1 . 5/21/2012
Oooh, very nice! I really like it!
| Cherrylin chapter 1 . 3/8/2012
I will start out informing you that I very rarely read, and when I do, it's usually on my phone when I have to wait for a while for my bus. Today was no different, as I was waiting for my bus to school when I was browsing for short Higurashi one-shots. And then I found your name among one of those ~1000 words fics and decided that of course that would be what I would dedicate my time for.
But take this as one very big compliment; I only managed to read a couple of paragraphs before my bus arrived, and told myself 'I'll continue during some break in school', but as soon as I sat in the bus (which is a crowded bus where I have to be aware where to click 'stop') I decided to sit back and enjoy reading this.
Now it's almost two hours ago I read this, as lessons came in the way for my review. I managed to finish just before getting off the bus, but I came to school during the first lesson, and of course we had to start reading a lot of other short-stories.. but I took notes for this review, so it should be fine. I'd better start it before this review ends up being more about me reading your fanfic rather than what it should be about; constructive criticism.
I love the way you write! It is very vivid, especially how Mion started to think in circles with the whole 'all because of me' concept. I also love how you let her cover her ears and repress what was going on until Shion was glaring at her. I won't believe if anyone said they didn't feel a tad sorry for all of them. For Mion, for the suffering she was going through, for Shion, for having lost herself and everything she had, and for Keiichi who innocently only wanted the truth and to help. Of course, also for the others who have already passed, and for Rena, who we know is alive outside and alone. (Assuming this is based off on Watanagashi-hen/Meakashi-hen.)
Here for some direct critique;
"Tears leaked down from her cheeks-" Well... Tears do run across cheeks, but they don't quite come from them, if you know what I mean. Just a little thing I caught, I'd write 'leaked down from her eyes' or 'leaked across her cheeks'.
"She didn't quite know, as her sister was quite hard to understand at times.-" You used the word 'quite' twice within the same sentence. I can see you have managed to avoid many of the common repetition mistakes, (i.e. starting off two sentences after each other with the same word), but this one caught my eye.
"Why exactly did her love for Satoshi suddenly return? And why did it make such a violent return?-" It may have been for some effect, but I think this was repetitive too. I would change the last 'return' to 'comeback'.
"This girl was once someone she could depend on, someone she could rely on, and someone she could love-" Thank you for your bravery! In my experience, a lot of writers are careful with using the word 'love' about friendship or family relations, not wanting their readers to think 'oh they're in love'! So thank you a lot for including this!
A little detail I also found in this fanfic, was that you mentioned Keiichi was Mion's first love. I don't know if you wrote this prior to reading the Meakashi-hen manga, but just for a heads up, Mion was in love with Satoshi at one point, even if likely not the same way as with Keiichi. I think Mion's love for Satoshi was more that typical random teenage idea 'oh, a nice person of the opposite gender' and then, probably unused to have male friends, Mion might have had considered Satoshi for a possible love. Then Shion clearly opened her heart to Mion about Satoshi, and I think Mion backed down at that point. Then she met Keiichi and probably fell in for good. That's my theory at least. She realized Keiichi was much more her kind of guy, rather than a shy person like Satoshi.
You had a very, very nice grammar and spelling. I at least did not notice any typos or mistakes. It was a joy to read this, and I do really miss having time for reading fanfics like I used to. Keep going! I feel sorry for hearing you had those issues with your computer and whatnot, but I hope it's getting better. May I recommend Dropbox? I have all my fanfic stored in what is called a Dropbox, so even if my computer and my school laptop dies, I won't lose anything, plus I can work at school and continue right off the bat when I get home, provided I have internet connection. You can also share your Dropbox with others, which could be ideal for sharing other files or school projects. Take a look at it, it's pretty neat and very, very simple.
For a writing software, I can recommend yWriter. It's a bit complicated at first, so if I was you, I'd play around with it before using it for good.
Thank you for a really nice fanfiction! You're right, KeiiMi needs more attention. There's only 44 fics here about them, according to my phone!
| James Birdsong chapter 1 . 8/22/2011
Really good maybe
| Sergeant Daniel chapter 1 . 8/22/2011
This is really good, I love it. Keep up the good work:D
| Fabricated Tales chapter 1 . 8/22/2011
I'm actually going to review something for once. And I choose- this masterpiece right here. I loved this. At first it scared me how Mion thought it was because she complained to Shion about her love life, because in the visual novel that's what triggers it in Meakashi-hen. (I don't remember the anime too well, so it might have been mentioned in there too.)I don't know if you actually have read the visual novels or not, but you hit it on the dot. Shion's basically like "HOW DARE YOU COMPLAIN ABOUT LOVE TO ME!", one thought leads to another, which leads to many other things, eventually she goes on a psycho murder spree and then practically everyone dies! The end. Yay. wasn't that a good story?
Enough about Shion, let's talk about the sane twin. I felt so bad for her while reading this. Every time she questioned love I just felt like giving her a huge hug. That entire paragraph made me feel SO guilty about every time I've ever complained about my love life ever. (It also made me respect Mion because if I was in a cage and there is psychotic person who's going to kill me any second now, I wouldn't be thinking such deep, meaningful, heart-wrenching things. My thought process would be like "AHHH! I'M GOING TO DIEE!")
And I also like this because most people don't really think about how Mion feels while in the cell. It's just something people overlook, because Shion is the insane one. And it makes sense, since my sisters are twins, I can say as a general rule, if one twin is appearing more prominently, the other twin wont be regarded as much. So people acknowledge she's in a cave, but they don't really care about how she thinks about the whole thing because we're all too concerned with Shion. That's why this was extremely interesting. (Which reminds me of my own fic having the same issue right now... THANK YOU, CRIMSO! XD)
Moving on... you said it was short. I don't know if you had a problem with it being short, But I like it short! I feel like if it was any longer it would have dragged on too much and would have lost the feeling.
I don't have any criticisms. I feel like I should. Waaaiiit... nope. You're good. No critique from me. (Not that you'd want it...)
Thank you for reading my not-as-interesting as I think it is Review
| The Minister of Silly Walks chapter 1 . 8/21/2011
Okay first of all-WAY TO MAKE ME CRY, MAN! ;W; Fffffffffnnnnng suffering Mion fics make me do that WAY too much. Way too much! I can feel my masculinity being painfully squeezed out of my body on each teardrop 3x I blame you and Cherry for this! But on that note wowzers that was a good oneshot. ._. I mean it made me cry, didn't it? That is no small feat. Especially considering what a manly man I am D The manliest of them all. And this is the part where Rena would hop in and tell me to use some soda D get it? GEET EEEEEET? Oh gawd I'm so funny xD (and dead inside!) However there are two things I must point out because they are the only two things that are keeping this oneshot from being a prime example of art in fanfiction D And remember: I critique because I care :'D
Issue the first: This appears in the very first paragraph, sentences 5-6, "(5)She knew exactly why that voice was laughing, and who they were laughing at. (6) Mion had to wonder why she was laughing, as the situation was not something any normal person would be laughing at." Okay so here in (5) you say Mion knows exactly why Shion was laughing and what was going on and in (6) you go on to say she had to wonder why she was laughing. These two sentences, of course, contradict one another. I get what you wanted to say though I just had to think about it for a bit. She understands (in 5) that Shion is laughing because she's about to torture and kill Keiichi and in the next sentence she goes on to wonder why her sister finds that that is something to laugh about. Regardless, I still think that the sentences 5 and 6 SOUND like they contradict each other and just to avoid confusion I would change that. Also in 5 you say "...why that voice was laughing, and who they were laughing at," so that in the second half of that bit it sounds like there are multiple voices because you use "THEY were laughing..."
Issue the second: This really isn't a technical issue so much as it is a possible funky choice of words xD and I may just be being perverted here but meh here we go anyway. This is somewhere towards the bottom of the page...don't feel like numbering the paragraph this time cuz I hate counting D "All the crazed girl wore was a smirk on her face as she stared into the eyes of her sister..." Now again, might just be me, but this could also be read as "The only thing the crazed girl wore was a smirk on her face as she stared into the eyes of her sister..." ...i.e: it sounds like you're saying Shion's naked xDD And she may very well be. What's scarier than a naked crazy person? Spiders, of course. Naked-scary-people is a close second though. Still, I get the feeling you didn't mean to make it sound like Shion was naked x3 so I just thought I'd let you know, ne? And if that was your intention that I do apologize for wasting your time there by pointing it out xD.
Moving on to what I enjoyed. One of the things that caught my attention was how you didn't mention Keiichi was the boy Mion kept mentioning till the end. Or at least I dont think you did. Hang on...(runs word search for "Keiichi" on your fic) Yup. You only said his word once in the narrative and twas at the end. I think that's interesting, really. I mean, I knew who you were talking about the whole time be because it was Mion's love and we all know who that is, ne? Still, if I may make a suggestion (because I'm a pretentious little monster and I think everyone just can't get enough of my input), I think there was room for a lot more potential with this particular tool. Imagine, if you will, the reader not knowing that it was Mion in that cell, and we had no idea for sure that it was Shion upstairs torturing Keiichi until the very end. The characters and the scene would slowly unfold, yes? Hints would be dropped. We'd slowly piece together that Mion is the girl in the cell, Shion is the girl laughing, Keiichi is the boy about to die on our own-little by little! And then at the end when Shion comes down BAM! you finally go ahead and reveal who everyone is for us like you did with Keiichi here. It'd add a little mystery to the whole scenario, spur the reader onward, and while for anyone who's seen Higurahsi it's an easy mystery to crack that feeling of "you can never be sure" goes a long way, especially in oneshots! But of course this is your story, you do what you want. Sorry if I sound...mean...x3 you probably hate me right now. But this oneshot is just so awesome and it's got me so pumped and I'm usually a lot more bold when I'm pumped 8D Still, sorry if I'm being bossy.
Aaand now moving on to why this oneshot made me want to curl up in a sock drawer and cry like a baby. Well...this goes without saying but it was really, really sad xDD Where the writing really gets good and tear-jerking is at the start of the 8th paragraph. Or at least I think it was the 8th. I dont count so good :B It's the one that starts out with "In her mind, she had already known the answer to the question." Yeah that one. Let me just say, hearing Mion wonder why love just doesn't seem to be meant for her, how nothing in her life seemed to be working out, how unfair it all was and how her love for Keiichi had caused the death of her friends and possibly even her love (which is poetically ironic when you think about it :B it all ends with what she thinks is the death of what started it all: her love. Did that make sense?). That's how you get me to cry, man ;_; Furthermore, there was just so much raw power, truth and sincerity behind your diction when it got to this part that it was almost concerning-leading me to believe for a second you'd been in this exact situation before because you knew how to tell it perfectly and with such passion. "Why wasn't she allowed to love without getting hurt? She didn't understand anymore. Wasn't she supposed to be cuddled up to him, all joyous and warm inside instead of depressed and hurt all over?" Just listen to that! (or read it...whatever) That part made me whimper like a dog! My lip was trembling! I was filled with such pity and it felt so real-every nerve in my body told me to console a green haired girl that wasn't there. I WAS FLOORED! 8'D Scarcely have I been so affected by any text. Again, you and Cherrylin know how to make the waterworks flow.
And the very end gave me chills. :3 When Shion entered the room, I gained a whole new respect for what it must be like to be Sonozaki Mion in that moment. Primal fear, confusion, sadness, possibly hatred for her murderous sister, herself, and her love that she thinks screwed everything up. And even though I complained about the "All the crazed girl wore was a smirk on her face..." bit I still love! 8D I mean, yeah you should maybe rephrase it so it looks like she's still wearing clothes xD but I know what you might have meant. Like all she's wearing on her face is a smirk-a crazed smirk she can't recognize and that scares her. One she knows spells her doom. And that's THE ONLY THING that's on her face. No pity, no warmth, no regret, no sisterly-love, not even a shred of humanity is left, ne? There's just that wretched smile. And that, Crimso, is what we call awesome. Glorious, even. I pitied Mion most then. Because at that moment she must have realized she's really lost the ones most dear to her in her life. Namely: Keiichi her love and Shion her twin.
And this may be the longest review for a one-shot ever. But that's how I roll. Breaking records and raising the bar D -puts on the coolest damn sunglasses you ever did see- And now I got to take my leave, Crimso. Feel free to tell me what you thought of my suggestions and whether you loved them or hated them. Cuz I always like to know if my reviews are helpful as they are hilarious. Also you're just always fun to hear from, ne? And I'm bored D 8D Gotta go now, can't wait for BFB and whatever else you have in store for us. And it's great to have you back, Crimso Welcome home :3 -turns and jumps out of a burning building- CARPE DIEEEM! ! !
TTFN - Ta, Ta For Now
| Uryuu-Nipaa chapter 1 . 8/20/2011
Good. I never tought about Mion while Shion was torturing Keiichi. Or the reason that Shion did that. I usualy don't really think while I'm watching or reading something anyway...
| Michael S. Repton chapter 1 . 8/20/2011
CRIMSO! It's great to see you back, though of course not good to hear about your problems with your account. Really hope you manage to get things fixed.
This piece was really good: intense and accurate to the characters, really gripping and heart-wrenching. You write Mion really well... probably because you feel so close to her and understand her so deeply. I can't wait to see you get started on your next long fic, but then again, I love these shorter ones too!