|Reviews for And the Adventure Continues|
| Nemoskull chapter 2 . 1/21
ug, this is good, but its feel more james bond than gunslinger girl.
| Thescarredman chapter 14 . 5/18/2013
And a fine 'final' chapter for this story arc. The epilogue shows you haven't forgotten or disregarded the unanswered questions, and presumably intend to chase them down in later installments of your fratello's adventures. Looking forward to some movement on your contiguous Danilo/Raych story as well.
Continue to be impressed with your scene-setting, pacing (which is getting even better) and sense of suspense and drama. This story wasn't just well-crafted, it was an entertaining read that put the reader in the story and took them off to faraway places and novel situations. Bravo, and give us some more, old fellow.
| taerkitty chapter 1 . 1/4/2013
Opening paragraph - it's neutral. It's well-told, but doesn't have a great hook. The second paragraph hints at some clandestine action, but it's not until the third paragraph we have a question to hook the reader. "Who are they, what do they want, and what does the captain plan to do next?"
Then again, you write very long chapters, so I may still be in the middle of what you consider your opening. ;)
That said, the bit of trivia about "if a Liberty Ship made a crossing" was quite humourous.
"Secondly, and to some extent more importantly in the Blackers' opinions, the extra time taken prevented the Agency from learning what they were planning to do until they'd already done it, thereby circumventing a certain amount of bureaucratic horse trading."
Efficiency via inefficiency. I love it.
"the document had arrived travelling the opposite direction to her own reports, with the Alboreto fratello from Rome."
A little convoluted here.
"You're at the docks luv, loud crashes won't raise any eyebrows..."
You're just not thinking loud enough, that's all.
"I figure knocking things over won't draw enough attention, but a car running into them just might..."
Now we're talking.
Running's a good plan. I can do running.
"You realize there's a perfectly good door just above us right? It's bigger too, columns and everything."
This scene needs a little more setting for me to see the two doors relative to one another.
"In hindsight, she suspected that probably explained the number of tourists and lack of locals making use of its services."
That's my rule for good ethnic places: ones that look like one violation away from being closed by the board of health, and with lots of people of that ethnicity eating therein.
"dropping a none-too-subtle hint that if her handler hadn't, he possibly should be."
For a handlee, she seems to be doing more of the handling than JB.
Oh, they really were going to Le Metropole? I thought the whole "talking to the book" was where Monty's pointing out key phrases in the text to form a critical sentence while blabbing tourist-speak. Something like, "Man in black hat is listening" or somesuch.
She cocked an eyebrow, "Did he buy it."
Jethro shrugged, "Seemed too."
A quote from Star Wars comes to mind. "I have a bad feeling about this."
Hm, if the apartment buildings tower over Pompey's Pillar, then ...
"don't look like that I didn't scavenge" Missing a semi-colon or a period after 'that'.
Ah, found the Foreplay. Don't you hate it when it's in the first place you should look?
"Jethro and Monty made for marina's the service berths" I think "the marina's" was juxtaposed.
Steed and Peel? Really? Why not something bland like Smith and Jones? There's always a chance they watched the show or movie.
Hm. For those unfamiliar, what's antifoul? Yes, I can ask you in PM, but this is more a comment to elaborate on it a bit.
"loosing themselves again in the Alexandrian streets." While to set themselves "loose" would work, I think you meant "losing". Unsure.
"I don't need to have faith in fact," growled Monty, seemingly un-placated. "However I also know just how much Murphy loves getting mixed up in these situations."
"the sergeant never the less knew his job" Unsure about .au, so asking here: should nevertheless be one word or three?
"bluff their way out of that sort of situation rather than loose a large haul of Semtex" Again, loose vs. lose (vs. loos)
Love the amount of research you put into this, btw. Lots of little details.
"Relative safety of Libya." I'm not so sure it means the same to me as it does to you.
Okay, first chapter done, and it was a bit of a slog. It reads more like a work of original fiction than fanfiction, what with the richness of detail, depth of research and general pacing. By original fiction, I mean published, paid for book.
Once my expectations adjusted, it's a smooth read, and more dead ends occur in this than in the canon. Again, in O-fic, that's fine. In the canon, they do a deft job of culling out all the missed steps, all the oversights.
The Jethro character are a bit too strong for GsG fanfic. As a member of Her Majesty's Secret Service, that's fine - the level of suspension of disbelief is much higher in the "other JB" world. Also, he seems far more the fool than the foil, which is amusing, but not in keeping with the lethally-serious world of GsG.
Monty is ... well, I know she's a favourite, and I hate to kick kittens, but she seems too competent, too skilled, too savvy for her age. I'd love to read how she came to be this way but...
It's probably best if there were some hints dropped even this early on so readers won't be saying, "Oh, come /on/! How can a teen do this?"
I'll definitely continue this, as I love the pacing and the detail. I'll just be reading it as original fiction and not comparing it to the canon for scope, power, or pacing.
| EgyLynx chapter 11 . 1/1/2013
oh my... how many words that be hawe!
Anyway... my eyes!
well... long story...
| EgyLynx chapter 5 . 1/1/2013
oh me oh me!
| EgyLynx chapter 3 . 1/1/2013
... oh my oh my... how someone can write soo long C:s soo niced?
| EgyLynx chapter 2 . 1/1/2013
Second... so... Long... good at that!
oh my oh...
| EgyLynx chapter 1 . 1/1/2013
Oh my... soo long but... so seecond... yum!
| Thescarredman chapter 9 . 10/20/2012
Whew. Very nice rendition of the SWA headquarters operation: big, busy, compartmentalized. Ditto the physical plant, with your descriptions of its changing architecture, the result of renovations and repurposing over centuries. I feel as if I'd actually been there.
Great job putting so many characters into the scenes, OC and canon alike. You make them real, not just cardboard cutouts dropped into the scene, but part of events, whose actions and decisions have effects. The owners, Yu included, should have no issues with your borrowing of them (including Genco from the 'Dolomites' story was a particularly delightful touch).
Eagerly awaiting the next installment.
| Thescarredman chapter 6 . 4/7/2012
Whew. Still chasing the bad guys, generating more questions than answers. But the ride and the scenery are still exhilirating. Love the appearance of the Goose; I have a Grumman Albatross in one of my stories. Solid research and excellent writing, as I've come to expect. Thank you, and keep writing.
| Thescarredman chapter 2 . 2/26/2012
Well-written and engaging story. I could wish for it to be broken into shorter chapters (I seldom read 20K words at one sitting), but that's a personal preference - my early stuff has chapters at least as long. The detail in your description of foreign locales shows either first-hand knowledge or first-rate research.
| Thescarredman chapter 1 . 2/21/2012
Oho! Excellent writing, witty dialogue. So much more light-hearted than one expects from Gunslinger Girl. I'm going to have to look up the comic on Deviantart before I go any further. Thank you for such a great story.
| Kiskaloo chapter 4 . 12/28/2011
Solid work as always, mate.
| Kiskaloo chapter 1 . 8/21/2011
Fantastic first attempt, mate.