|Reviews for Dear Friends|
| Guest chapter 5 . 8/16/2012
This is so great, this gave me ideas for my own fanfiction thanks!
| ImmaBeatYouWithaCrowbar chapter 5 . 2/9/2012
Wow. Even though you haven't updated in five months, I am sincerely hoping to see a chapter six. I love this story so far, especially your descrptions of the characters and their relationships. I love it. Please, update. (:
| Blitz.Magister chapter 5 . 11/21/2011
I love all of these so far!
Eight's backstory. Wow. That's original, yet I can imagine it.
You are continuing, right?
| Sunny SNSD chapter 5 . 9/10/2011
I always imagined Eight's hatred of weapons to have to do something with the death of someone close to him and you captured that perfectly, bravo :)
Haha I see JackxCater's popularity has now entered XD. Its been pretty popular recently at the FF13 Forums. I like the pairing a lot, so I enjoyed this as well :)
Great job, I'll definetely look forward to the other chapters _ ~~
| Greykeys chapter 4 . 8/31/2011
ORIG. - "..people in the room:"
FIX. - "..people in the room;"
ORIG. - "They will die for her if they have to."
FIX. - "They would die for her if they had too."
ORIG. - "..gave her a questioned look."
FIX. - "..gave her a questioning look."
ORIG. - "..ask questions to you later."
FIX. - "..ask questions for you later."
ORIG. - "Suddenly, Eight him hit at the back of his head "Dude! If any of the teachers hear you-"
FIX. - "Suddenly, Eight hit him on the back of his head. "Dude! If any of the teachers hear you-"
You're getting better, and that's a good sign. You're showing progress and it's supposed to be gradual; so don't shed white hairs over it. I know 'cause it took me a while to get a good grasp of such things, (still am) and writers will only ever continue to improve.
| Greykeys chapter 3 . 8/31/2011
ORIG. - "..and there has been excited chatter of going home"
FIX. - ".. and there had been excited chatter of going home."
ORIG. - "in case any mission came up)."
FIX. - "in case any mission came up)"
Don't need the period after brackets. Just add it after the actual sentence.
ORIG. - "..were watching the performers coming from the far reaches of Rubrum to perform for the prestigious School of Magic."
FIX. - "..were watching the performers from the far reaches of Rubrum, to perform for the prestigious School of Magic."
ORIG. - "..her classmates weren't there-"
FIX. - "..her classmates weren't there."
ORIG. - "So this was where you are."
FIX. - "So this was where you were."
ORIG. - "Psh," Sice let out another snicker.
"As if. I'm sure they are busy watching that traveling theater thing in the courtyard."
FIX. - "Psh," Sice let out another snicker. "As if. I'm sure they are busy watching that traveling theater thing in the courtyard."
You didn't need to separate Sice's dialogue like that; since she was still talking and they're both her lines. Only separate if the next line was someone else.
ORIG. - "..Eight took of his bloody knuckles.."
FIX. - "..Eight took off his bloody knuckles.."
ORIG. - "..Here he was:"
FIX. - "..Here he was;"
ORIG. - "..Jack was about to be shot by a poisonous bullet Deuce didn't push him away and got shot herself."
FIX. - "..Jack was about to get shot by a poisonous bullet had Deuce not pushed him away. She suffered in his stead."
ORIG. - Jack let out a sob "Eight, wait, consider-"
FIX. - Jack let out a sob, "Eight, wait, consider-"
Typically the same as last time; mixes of past and present and forgotten punctuation marks. But overall, you seem to be improving little by little and I can see that. I spy steady progress, so hang in there.
| Yuki Minamoto chapter 4 . 8/25/2011
Okay, I gotta tell ya:
You're still doing the same mistakes over and over again, Dike! GET SOMEONE TO READ IT DAMN IT!
I'm tired of seeing sentences like this:
Deuce being…well, Deuce, she couldn't say no. So she pulled out her notebook and began to recite what she wrote. Cater summoned her gun and pulled out a rag from her pocket. She began to polish her gun, as it helped her concentrate…on unimportant things
- - - -
It seems so, forced and unnatural. Honestly, it feels so awkward to read it out loud. You're also using a different narrative.
Do NOT USE "So" in the being of your sentence unless it's in Third-Person Omniscient (The narrator knows all) or in First Person POV (I, My, ect.).
Since you are focusing on Cater's side of the story, you don't use a conjunction (the joining of individual words, phrases, and an independent clause) in a Third Person Limited fanfiction.
Deuce being ... well Deuce, she couldn't say no. Pulling out her notebook, she began to recite what she wrote. Cater summoned her gun and pulled out a rag from her pocket. She began to polish her gun with care, helping her concentrate on... unimportant things. She saw her friend's mouth move, but felt so lazy, she couldn't pay attention to what Deuce was saying.
She moved her brown eyes towards the rest of her class.
(I omitted the Eight and Jack part. It never fit. You did explain why they got busted, but where are they? (Questions?) Give your readers what's happening to Eight and Jack instead of explaining aimlessly out of nowhere that they got busted for being in the girl's bathroom 2 AM in the morning.
And what about the rest of the class? Where are they?
- - - -
So, any questions or comments for me?
P.S. I didn't mean to be so harsh, but I just wanted to help you be a better author in the process.
| Oblivion Star Seeker chapter 4 . 8/25/2011
Deuce's innocence is too cute! I like how everyone acts differently around her. Especially on Nine's part. I can imagine him trying not to swear when she's around. :)
I think you've improved quite a bit on your tenses since the first few chapters so just keep up the good work! :D
| Yuki Minamoto chapter 3 . 8/25/2011
As Grey said, there are some sentences that are in mixed with present and past tense such as this one:
Sice stood at the balcony by herself while the rest of Class Zero were watching this visiting group ('the Tantalus Theater Troupe, or something like that' Sice shrugged) down in the courtyard.
Sice stood at one of Peristerium's numerous balconies by herself while the rest of Class Zero were watching a visiting circus coming from the far reaches of Rubrum to preform for the prestigious School of Magic.
(NOTE: Please explain why they are here. You didn't give that much detail, except for what Sice was thinking at the moment. And also, make sure that you separate her thoughts from the rest of the paragraph.)
'I think it was called the Tantalus Theater Troupe or something like that...' She thought shrugging to herself as she watched the festive courtyard below her aimlessly.
- - - -
This sentence also bothered me. It didn't seem to click right with the words. It's as if we switched Sice's Third person POV to the narrator's.
The moon looked very pretty this night, too bad no one else knew it was a blue moon today. This wasn't your typical blue moon, mind you. The moon almost looked blue this very night. It only happens every decade. It is not known by many people, but Sice knows it. This was just how it looked back home with Grandma…
The moon above her looked very pretty tonight, though it was obvious to Sice no one noticed how different tonight's moon was. It was the rare, once-every-decade Blue Moon.
(NOTE: I'm omitting the Grandma part. It never clashed with the sentence. Explain WHY it looked just like the Blue Moon back at her grandmother's house. And since it's a once-every-decade blue moon, then why does it look exactly like it back at her grandmother's place? Dike, you're confusing your readers here.)
- - - - -
You also keep on missing the period and commas before and after when someone is talking. Grey also mentioned this in his/her previous review.
"Psh," Sice let out another snicker "As if. I'm sure they are busy watching that traveling theater thing in the courtyard."
"Psh," Sice let out another snicker.
"As if. I'm sure they're busy watching that traveling theater in the courtyard."
Make sure you proof-read before you get your next chapter published, Dike. ;) And also, have someone other than yourself to read through it before you publish it.
And this is the most important thing of all: READ THE CHAPTER OUT LOUD.
1. You will find often than not, dialogue mistakes, which is EXTREMELY IMPORTANT if characters are talking to each other.
2. You will also find some sentences sounding a bit wrong once you read it. Make sure you don't jump back and forth to past and present tense and keep it consistent (Grey said this also). You will confuse your readers and myself.
- - - -
Your second mini-story about Deuce being mortally injured sounds MUCH better than your first mini-episode coming from Sice's POV. Though I saw the same mistakes you make constantly in your fanfiction stories.
1. You miss the period and commas.
2. The present is mixed up with the past.
Though, something seemed out of character: Deuce herself.
If she was that wounded, why would she have the strength to try and stop her friends from fighting? And when she vomited up blood after her little magic spell and then ran back to her room?
Wouldn't a normal person jolt back in pain or in shock than running back to her/his room or collapse? Running away would make her internal bleeding (when you vomit up blood, it means your internally bleeding inside your body or you have a fatal illness like TB). even worse.
And something also bothers me, WHAT WAS THEIR MISSION?
You gave your readers something to question. What did Arecia assign them that was so dangerous?
And another thing, what did Deuce conjur up? Was it a Flash Spell? The symptoms Eight and Jack displayed looked like what you would feel when you were Flashed.
P.S. Sorry for the long review. I had to say something. Other than that, it was a good chapter, Dike. :)
| Greykeys chapter 2 . 8/24/2011
ORIG. - "...was on a special mission, so they have to write an essay."
FIX. - "...was on a special mission, so they had to write an essay."
Switch to "had" because you're writing in past tense (evidence with "was")
ORIG. - "just lazily looked up to him"
FIX. - "just lazily looked up at him."
You had also forgotten to add a period at the end.
ORIG. - "...finger and blew the dirt off"
FIX. - "...finger and blew the dirt off."
Either add a comma or period at the end of this sentence. This error continues on throughout the chapter, so I advise to remember adding these punctuation marks right before they speak.
ORIG. - "... he felt something wrapped around his waist."
FIX. - "... he felt something wrap around his waist."
I've noticed you have a little habit of forgetting to add commas or periods after sentences and before characters speak; even having a tendency to switch between present and past tenses. Regarding these tenses, they should remain constant throughout the chapter unless you're referring to a thought back in the past. Watch out for these little issues as they're important steps to improve your writing, so keep that in mind.
Overall, a fun read; I wonder if the blood in the toilet is actually a female's 'Once a month'? Cinque is written well, seemingly in character as she could possibly get. (from images alone)
Nice work, and I hope to continue seeing more from you.
| Yuki Minamoto chapter 2 . 8/23/2011
XD I wish My OC was in it! *laughs* They must be having a lot of fun! And yes, I LOVE LONG CHAPTERS, they make me smile! _
*hugs* I loved Cinque's ~. You're not suppose to use the symbol for literature, but I guess it's fine to use it here...
| Yuki Minamoto chapter 1 . 8/22/2011
Aw, wish it was longer Dike!
Please make it longer next time. It'll disappoint your readers and fans if you keep on making short chapters like this.
Trust me on that.
| zeon-06 chapter 1 . 8/22/2011
Eclaire Saba..lol...well, gotta admit Seven does resembles her! And even the way they cross their arms (Seven did that in the trailers).
| Greykeys chapter 1 . 8/22/2011
Neat and nicely simple. Simplicity at its best.
ORIG. - "Three teenagers were standing in front of tall door."
FIX. - "Three teenagers were standing in front of a tall door."
Being the first sentence to introduce the fic, I feel it's the most important and shouldn't have a little mistake like that. I suggest to always look over the first few sentences or paragraph to a story; because it wouldn't be a good first impression. (Even if it's minor) Thankfully, it's not really a big deal, but it can deter readers if they're truly uptight about stuff like that. (Yes, I'm indeed one of those aforementioned 'uptight people', but it was the simplicity of this little drabble that kept me from leaving)
And I totally understand the reason for choosing "Éclair." I can truly see their striking resemblances.
Overall, it's well-written and I'll be looking out for more.