|Reviews for Infringement on Bathroom Etiquette|
| Guest chapter 1 . 8/9/2012
Hahaha! That sure made my night! A very good story! I love it!
| SomeGirlsLikePotatoes chapter 1 . 2/8/2012
This was hilarious. From now on, I will never be able to poop without picturing the scene in phase one. Merci beaucoup!
| tempus terere chapter 1 . 1/26/2012
Here is the concrit you ordered:
a) “[…] his older sister […]”
Reggie is a guy.
b) “With Reggie's self-proclaimed role of matchmaker, he knew the two would get along splendidly despite being opposites.”
Because a cold-blooded jerkface and a bubbly party girl are the best fitting match ever. Also, what does matchmaking have to do with teaching Paul a “sense of propriety”? By the way, Paul would never comply with that. Male pride, and all that.
c) “Mere acquaintances, Paul and Dawn had disregarded the other during their dormitory life at college and, as of lately, they rarely talked to one another.”
If they’re disregarding each other, then why the “as of lately”? After all, you present no tangible reason as to why the two should have to do anything with each other at all.
Aside from that, there is one major plot hole in this. Although it is not made clear in the series by how many years, Paul is significantly older than Dawn since he is to be estimated the same age as Ash. Let’s say Ash travelled two years together with Misty and another two years with May. That would make him fourteen at the start of his Sinnoh journey. Dawn was ten at the time—four years younger. This makes it impossible for her to go to college at the same time as Paul.
d) “[…] abnormal living conditions […]”
Apart from the fact that the two of them living together is kind of illegal, considering the gap between their ages, what’s so abnormal about two students sharing a flat to save money?
e) “The shuffle of his unwilling feet eventually placed him at the front of the bathroom door.”
Putting it in the passive form makes the sentence more than awkward—you could word it in a much shorter and more concise way with an active verb.
f) “[…] lightly slamming his head against the bathroom door, […]”
Do you really think Paul is the kind of guy who’d resort to degrading actions like that?
g) “She didn't immediately respond back and as each second swelled by, Paul grew more uncomfortable. He wasn't sure whether to wait until she spoke back or ask again.”
The verb is called “respond”, not “respond back”. On op of that, the syntax of the first sentence is completely off.
h) “[…] and did nothing.”
This sounds very clumsy. How about “[…] and waited for her to answer”?
i) “Paul straightened his posture and plastered his ear against the door frame, desperately and raptly trying cling onto to her voice.”
Question: Why is he even so concerned about the whole thing? Paul is a jackass, remember? Besides, this whole situation is beyond banal, why are you trying to dramatize it? By doing that, it just appears incredibly synthetic and concocted.
j) “A string of jumbled mumbles, seemingly in form of a verbal shrapnel, broke from his lips as he started to speak, outwardly rushed and chaotic.”
I tried to tolerate your pseudo-intellectual use of “big and artsy” vocabulary that is both redundant and detrimental to your work’s reading flow, but I’ve had enough now. Your biggest problem is that you use it, probably to make your style stand out from the others and give it a “sophisticated” touch, but it seems to me as though you’re just vomiting big words at random without really knowing how to use them. But that’s not how writing fiction works. The job of an author is not to contrive some half-assed plot and then to coat in pretty words, hoping the reader won’t notice that they actually have nothing to say. As an author, you start at the premise that you have something, which you really need to express, something nobody else can put into words. If you don’t have that something, then you shouldn’t write.
k) “His cheeks blared while his eyes pierced in malice.”
l) “He knew that she probably wouldn't of liked that alternative.”
It should be “wouldn’t have liked”.
m) “‘I guess that you're stuck then because there's no way in hell that I'm helping you out. You know, if you sit on a toilet long enough your skin will grow over it. You'd practically be declared famous as the first ever known woman with a toilet attached to her ass. You should be thanking my pure genius,’ he retorted, the words flicking off his tongue like cold slivers of ice.”
Okay, what. This doesn’t make any sense whatsoever. First of all, that’s pretty much one of the worst teasing/insults I’ve ever had the misfortune of reading. Secondly, why would Paul want to tease her? Not once in this story have you propounded a proper reason as to why he would even be interested in her, let alone talk to her. In the series he barely even remembered her name.
n) “Her jaw was stupidly gaping.”
This is another huge deficit of yours: adverb abuse. Adverbs are words that modify a verb, an adjective, another adverb, a phrase, or a clause to answer the questions “how,” “when,” “where,” and “how much.”
Now that the quick refresher is out of the way, let’s talk about why you should avoid using superfluous adverbs in your writing and instead substitute them for better verbs. Good writers use the right word; clumsy writers use adverbs to bolster up the wrong verb. The right verb is not just concise, it pops at the reader, conveying just the right meaning. Adverbs are effective when meted out. However, you shouldn’t rely on them to modify every verb or adjective; if you do, all you’ll end up with is flat, lifeless writing, quite the opposite effect from what you intended.
And just to be especially pedantic, in this case, the adverb belongs at the end of the sentence.
o) “The entirety of her once porcelain face was blemished by massive twangs of red and overly creased features. Water viciously crowded the corners of her eyes in embarrassment. Her voice croaked before the yelling began, ‘PAUL! THIS ISN'T FUNNY!’”
And now we arrive at another huge flaw in your style. You use too much description. I know it’s shocking but it’s true. Half of what you’ve written in that passage is expendable or could be replaced with more succinct phrases. It’s a little similar to your adverb abuse; it makes your story flat and boring to read. So why don’t you go easy on both yourself and your readers and start writing a little more sententiously?
p) “‘Correction: If I was in your situation I would make sure there was enough toilet paper before I went. Only idiots use the bathroom when there's no toilet paper,’ he snapped, angered by her assumed perception of himself.”
This is Paul. Heartless, cold and a jackass.
q) “Paul felt turned on and it scared the hell out of him.”
Me too. Crapping is not sexy. At all.
r) “Thoughts floating, feelings aloft, and emotions undistinguishable had made Paul lose all insight. His lashes flickered, trying to block the sudden immobility. The sweat was mounting and became a casualty as nervous physical spasms did the same. The anxiety soon became too much. His knees buckled and he grabbed Dawn's bare thighs for support. He made direct eye-contact with her then passed out.”
No. Just no. Seriously, you’re losing coherency. He’s passing out just because he’s giving some tissues to a girl he’s hardly acquainted with? Granted, she’s on the toilet, which can be considered awkward for the two of them but that’s still not a reason to lose consciousness.
s) “[…] if she had any alter-motive […]”
I believe you meant “ulterior move”?
t) “Regardless, he didn't like it and wanted to get her back.”
How can he get her back if he never had her in the first place?
u) “Superglue Pliers Shampoo Bottle Cap Sweet Revenge”
Don’t do this if you want to be taken seriously as an author.
v) “[…] his hate for her […]”
Paul doesn’t, I repeat, doesn’t hate Dawn. He never did in the show, either. He merely was indifferent to her. That’s a huge difference.
w) “Although, both were averse to admit that their 'relationship' had only gotten better due to their recent bathroom incidents […].”
How did passing out on each other improve their relationship? Is this some kind of mating ritual I’m unfamiliar with?
x) “He called out his Staraptor to act as an air conditioner and create wind slashes, ultimately making the water transform from a translucent, wet matter to a thick, red glob.”
If this isn’t AU and there are pokémon in this world, then why did you never mention them? I understand that you wanted to focus on Dawn and Paul’s relationship but you can’t just abstract their best friends like that. What’s more, you wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, i.e. Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
There was another chunk of mistakes but I left them out for now since I’m pretty tired and need a break. Just one more thing: I recommend to you “Canon Rape” by BittersweetRomanticide. It should help your future projects because it’s both amusing and freakishly accurate.
| RosieShiba chapter 1 . 1/1/2012
Haha! I loved the way Paul reacted through out this, I could see everything he did in my head soooo clearly XD
Also, calling Reggie 'the older sister' made me giggle. The punchline, as it were, was fantastic, well worth reading!
| Riikani chapter 1 . 1/1/2012
I read your PM, and of course I'd be willing to look at the story, so as I read, I'll be commenting on things here and there.
First off, I want to make notice of the fact I am not a native English or American, I am Dutch, therefore I am still prone to making mistakes.
Another thing I'd like to notify you of. The author of the other story asked me to make an honest review on the structure, after reading my "Rules to Writing: A Beginner's Guide". You can read it here: post/11198619039/rules-to-writing-a-beginners-guide
The first thing I did notice was the fact you mentioned Reggie, and immediately said -his older sister-...Reggie is male right?
I think you opened very well! The first part, a sort of prologue it seems to me, looks very neat, and you are making a straight line for what you want to tell. It feels very nice to go into the story with knowing what to expect.
Phase one was well..funny I'd say. It is a very big problem, and you described the panic Dawn is fazing very well. Paul too seems like one who would indeed tease and annoy but eventually, reluctantly, help, if not very awkward in doing so. I found it easy to read, since you made sure there was enough change in scentence-build, and correct use of pharagraphs. Also, I am very happy with the more advanced words. Very smooth. It made the topic I was actually reading about...a bit more dignified.
I liked phase two too. It felt lighter than one. It really was murphy's law, everything that can go wrong, will go wrong. One thing I wasn't really sure about. Paul does ask why Dawn was awake now, but there is no explanation. Why was Paul awake anyway. 4 AM is hardly a normal time, don't you think.
Ohoho! Poor Paul, he seems really have bad luck with the bathroom. Anyway, why are there no towels? Or better yet, why didn't Dawn just go get one or some pants. Better than throwing or screeching. On the other hand, it does seem more like a Dawn-thing to do, so I can't blame you. I must compliment you on the slow progress. Usually, I see that authors make them jump each other's bones at such a moment, and I am glad that such is not the case.
The last part was good I guess. I can see why you chose for such a situation, but not exactly Jello. No matter how screwd Reggie might be, would he really fill a bathtub with jello?
I found it a bit regretfully, that when they got in the sticky situation, they really didn't last long at all. That you could have stretched a bit longer.
Overall, I think this is a very well written piece, and I say good job. You might want to think certain background a bit more through, but I think that the overall layout of the story, characterization, and plot was very good!
I'm glad I got to look at your story!
| The Dawn of Crimson Skies chapter 1 . 12/26/2011
Woww, I mean ,mischevious brotherYounger,stoic brotherYoung girl longing for a roomateNot so good situationsevil,diabolical ,thats all i have to
| Angelic-Blessing chapter 1 . 11/22/2011
Way to go Reggie! That will definetly bring them together forever! At least Paul didn't pass out! Phew!
| contestshippingrox13 chapter 1 . 11/1/2011
omg! this is incredible! :D i was laughing sooo hard during most of the story! xD this is hilarious, cute and just plain awesome! x3 keep writing, ur great! :)
| SilverMajix chapter 1 . 10/25/2011
ROFLMFAO! I was laughing so Jashin damn hard! XDDD This was awesome Nee-chan DD I love the Jello idea as well xDD Although I can also say I don't really see how that'd work... xD I guess it doesn't really matter, 'cuz this!... this is just genius! xDDD
| GhetsisFan03 chapter 1 . 10/10/2011
LOL they made up over a bathroom XD
| Dotdotdot chapter 1 . 9/27/2011
I'll never think of bathrooms the same way again...
| Dotdotdot chapter 1 . 9/27/2011
I'll never think of bathrooms the same way again... Nice poem.
| Lynn Sorcha chapter 1 . 8/28/2011
Yay! Another awesome oneshot from you :D
Haha, this made me laugh. I liked how Paul kept passing out. And I really have to compliment you on your writing. Besides creating great stories I take much joy in reading the style of writing you use. Especially your amazing vocabulary. I can only wish to correctly use most of the words you do :P Haha.
Anways, great story! Can't wait to get the AUUN update! :)
PS I saw you put my name on your profile. Thank you! That was so nice :)
| Pacific Guide chapter 1 . 8/25/2011
Wow... Just wow. This is pretty amazing compared to oneshots I've read before. And most of those were pretty damn good. Kudos to you, for crafting such a beautiful fanfic. I personally loved Paul's taunting of Dawn, because it was so hilarious to me.
| PerkyPearlyPanini chapter 1 . 8/25/2011
After their lip-lock, Dawn smiled to herself and Paul passed out.
Getting used to Paul's continual passing out problems, she left him there.
One of my favorite one-shots by far!