|Reviews for Forget Berlin|
| Bri chapter 2 . 7/22/2014
First of all, your writing structure is great, but you have a problem with characters and plot. Dom doesn't really seem like himself. To me and what I've seen in the movies, Dom would never treat Letty the way your writing it. He always supports her, cares for her and loves her to death. He would never talk down to her. And since when did Dom make decisions for Letty? Letty is her own person. A rebel at the most. She moves to her own drum. And all the stuff about her being rape and beaten is highly unlikely. Letty is very peculiar on her surroundings, doesn't trust anyone right seat and kickass. You make her seem so soft and shes not that girl. Also, for Dom, he does not have anger issues. He pretty much is calm, its hard to piss him off. He would only get angry if his family is being harm. He would never get so mad with Letty. He loves her too and treats like a queen. In other words, he listens to her.
Like before, your writing is fine, but your plot is rushed. Also, the going back front from past to present gets annoying and can ruin the overall plot. He could keep them, but put them in a chapter every once in awhile.
I wish good luck and no hard feelings.
| Guest chapter 10 . 5/23/2014
Ps. Is EVERY flashback going to be of Dom hurting Letty? Leaving her behind? You should pepper in some flashbacks with good stories otherwise it sounds like the biography of an abused and neglected girlfriend...rather than of a relationships with ups as well as downs.
We are not seeing a lot of "good times" and love between Dom and Letty to suggest that they were ever good together.
| Guest chapter 10 . 5/23/2014
I LOVED Dom's meeting with Letty!
Letty " torn between throwing up and crying" refusing to talk to Dom.
I absolutely LOVED how you wrote Dom's emotions too, the mixed emotions of seeing her.
Best part:. "He fought the urge to jump up and sweep her into his arms, tell her how sorry he was for every time he had every hurt her, as he watched her lift the bags off the floor. His heart was crushed as he saw the look of utter disdain in her eyes every time they flickered over to him."
So Dom IS capable of feelings other than rage...?!
So, How come through the rest of this story Dom never actually tells her "tell her how sorry he was for every time he had every hurt her"?!
What the fuck is he waiting for?! It's like he's only regretful when he doesn't have her and as soon as she's right in front of him he become angry and yells at her and tries to shift blame to her. He NEVER gives her a heard eat apology (not until the very last chapter, which is too late in my opinion).
In glad Letty leaves his cheating, disloyal ass in the elevator with Han. Dom needs to suffer more before he has a chance at getting Letty back!
| Guest chapter 10 . 5/23/2014
The flashback was interesting. Particularly because it shows us (again) the pattern of a smug and cocky Dom who orders Letty around. Even when she thinks it is a bad idea. Sadly it also sets to the fact that she continues to let him treat her like that. Too bad because if someone would have stepped up and smacks him upside the head nearly on and cited him of his arrogance, they might have been able to have normal lives.
And of course we have Dom's famous line:
"Ride or die, baby," he said into her hair.
Too bad that doesn't mean that he is loyal and gainful for her until the end. I guess "ride or die" only means that Letty just be loyal to Dom until the end, not vice versa!
| Guest chapter 9 . 5/23/2014
Fantastic chapter! The emotions are amazing!
Dom frustrated wih not being able to find Letty has his first bit of insight:
". I don't even fucking know her anymore and it's my own fault."
Yes! It's just too bad he never really says this to her after he finds her. He's too busy being angry at her and blaming her instead of kissing her feet and apologizing for this.
Oooh. And when Leon finds Letty after she's been raped and beaten was horrifying and yet so amazingly written! Leon struggling to be super gentle with her while he is raging against those whom hurt her (Dom should take notes in this because later in the story he seems incapable of being truly gentle with her. Despite seeing her faint, swing her scars while she's sleeping, seeing the cigarette burns-all we see from Dom is him grabbing Letty and holding her in place NOT him being super gentle with her like Leon is here. Thank God for Leon saving Letty!
And Leon throwing up in horror as he realizes what Letty went trough! Too bad Dom never gets that same visceral response. All Dom seems to show is anger and rage.
What beautiful writing: "Leon scooped her into his arms as gingerly as possible, every part of him fighting to be as gentle as possible while his entire body was consumed with rage. She was still too light, too easy for him to carry and lay in the backseat of his car. It wasn't until he moved to cover her with a jacket that he saw the blood & fluids on her thighs, along with a handful of cigarette burns.
Leon waited until he was sure she was as comfortable as she was going to get, a second jacket tucked under her head and his plaid shirt wrapped around her ice cold feet, before he walked behind his car and threw up. His entire body shook with fury as he got back in the car and drove faster than he ever had before, straight for the Czech border.
WOW! So evocative!
And Letty's tirade against Dom was perfect! I just wish she ever had a chance to say this to Dom's face!
"He was supposed to love me, Leon. He promised he would always protect me, no matter what. But he didn't. He made us pull a heist that we didn't want to and instead of pulling me out of my car, instead of taking me somewhere safe, he made you do it. He left me alone in Mexico and Venezuela, left me with Tego and Santos in the Dominican. I got shot for him and he probably didn't even go to my fucking funeral. He cheated on me when I was sixteen and I still ran back to him, did anything he told me to, for more than fifteen years."
"He's not – " Leon started before Letty interrupted him.
"He's dead, Leon. As far as I'm concerned that man is fucking dead. And Leon? You're not the only one who can keep track of people. You go back to him whenever you want, but I'm not showing up and breaking up his happy home with that cop bitch. They deserve each other."
Fantastic! Like I said. I just wish Letty could tell him all this to Dom's face! He clearly never seems to get the fact that he has CONSTANTLY hurt her, cheated on her, left her behind. Too bad.
| Guest chapter 8 . 5/23/2014
This section with Letty was fucking awesome! Way to sum it up:
Letty looked at the table, refusing to make eye contact. "Dom left, Leon. He left me in the Dominican. He didn't even bother with a note like when he did it in Mexico and Venezuela. I was the idiot who followed him around South America like a fucking puppy and risked my damn life to get him off so he'd come home. He doesn't want it, Leon. He doesn't want me."
That explains in a nutshell how Letty feels about how Dom made her feel when he left her-like she meant nothing to him.
Dom needs to hear this himself. To make up for this somehow. (I recommend him groveling in his knees for her forgiveness).
| Guest chapter 7 . 5/23/2014
Another great chapter. But why do you have to make it clear that Letty is miserable. It's like she has zero chance of happiness without Dom - which is bullshit. Don't make her that girl who is completely at the whim of a guy (one who hasn't treated her well for years) to be happy. Sure she can be hurt by him but to paint her as literally incapable of being happy without him is insane!
Letty has been through some serious shit and it's not like Dom can suddenly make it all better just by popping into her life with a "oops, my bad that leaving you led to down the path where you were raped and beaten nearly to death... But now I'm back and since know I've decided to be with you, you lucky girl, You should be totally cool..."
And Leon bringing up fresh hurt in Letty by accidentally mentioning the beach was great. But it just reminds us how much Dom leaving her hurt Letty, the sense of betrayal she felt!
Your writing remains superb!
"Letty felt like she was going to suffocate. She knew Leon hadn't meant to say it but his words were like a punch in the stomach. Her head was instantly filled with images of Dominic, his smell, his voice. She shook her head hard, trying to shake out every trace of Dom. "It's fine, Le. At least when you say you'll protect me it actually happens."
OUCH! But true. Dom never seems to keep his word with Letty does he?
And this part was so sad and poignant.
Leon:This way he made her relive one of the growing numbers of times she had gotten hurt as a result of Dom making decisions for her.
Sounds like Dom was constantly fucking up Letty's life! It wasn't one bad decision to leave her bit a pattern over time of him hurting her, making decisions for her, etc. Will he ever learn? Or is he that same guy he was for a decade or lore of them being together...
PS regarding the flashbacks...
what's with the excessively volatile relationship they had as teenagers?! I totally understand occasional drama but was there never one moment in their prior relationship that was decent? In which they weren't yelling and fighting? No wonder they are so messed up.
| Guest chapter 5 . 5/23/2014
Lol Brian is the voice of reason here!
"Oh Christ. Great. And we all just instantly believe that it was really Letty, she's been alive all along, and your brother who does nothing but drink alone in his bedroom is going to go rescue her? Not to mention Germany has a fucking extradition treaty with the U.S."
ROTFLOL! Brian's sarcasm is hilarious here!
"Fine. I'll whisper that this is the most ridiculous fucking thing I've ever heard. ...The only good that is going to come of this is Elena not having to clean up after a guy who doesn't notice she's alive."
"Letty was all he had, Brian. The rest of us were his family, but she was his whole world."
Maybe, I am not convinced she was his while world. The way he treated her in the past doesn't convince me of it...hopefully he will convince me, and Letty, that he actually loves her!
And WOW the last flashback was amazing. Sim seeking solace with Letty after his dad died. Well written! And we see his uncontrollable temper come out back then too when he beats Lindner nearly to death. I always thought in the movies that Dom really changed in prison- that nearly killing a man taught him to control his temper - but here he is still the same hot head, punching holes in walls, destroying the hotel, threatening people into telling him information. It does not bode well that Dom is not more collected as a grown man than he was as a teenager!
| Guest chapter 4 . 5/23/2014
Ok. Wow! Great flashbacks- although it is so sad that you set up the fact that Dom has been hurting Letty literally from the beginning of their relationship! He cheats in her! Bastard! And it looks like the is the first of many times he's made her cry. I hope he suffers (a lot) before he gets back together with her...
And PS next time you write Dom cheating on Letty please have Letty go off on DOM not the other girl. Dom is the one who betrayed her when he cheated, not some random girl. He is the one who owes her loyalty and he is the one who should get his ass (or maybe balls) kicked.
I am so glad though that you show Letty kicking his ass to the curb and moving on to another guy (at least temporarily). Dom needs to learn the lesson that he can't behave like that without consequences and Letty refusing to be with him when he's an ass was AWESOME! I can only hope that you show us some Improvement in their past relationship - show dolmtreating Letty well at some point in their future and not just a continuous stream in him cheating on her, flirting with other girls and generally disrespecting her.
I love your description of Dom's "knees going weak" when he smells Letty's scent in room 422. Scent is such a good trigger for memories!
I love that Leon tells Dom that Letty is sleeping with another guy (note that Letty didn't cheat on Dom but is broken up with Dom when she moves in to a new guy) and excellent that she's not moping around pining for Dom (who cheated on her). Good girl Letty!
I love that Leon and Mia call Dom out on the fact that he doesn't get to be angry that Letty's with another guy because they are not together. Too bad he doesn't seem to learn from his mistakes...
| Guest chapter 3 . 5/23/2014
Ok so we now know that Dom seems incapable of any emotions other than rage and anger. His violent temper is NOT endearing. He doesn't seem to show a lot of other emotions like: fear that he won't find her or that she hurt, sadness that he's been without her, hope that he will find her, joy that she is alive (even if she's not with him). Don't let him be so one dimensional. And hasn't he changed even a little from the angry hothead he was as a teenager?!
And do we HAVE to set the stage they Letty is miserable? Can't he believe that she's happy? I think it would be a bigger blow to him to know that after he left her and forced her to be without him that she eventually moved on... But we get to hear that Letty is " here, she's miserable, and she doesn't want to be found."
| Guest chapter 1 . 5/23/2014
Ok! I love that it is clear from the start of the story that Dom is having a hard time with lettys "death", waking up drunk on the floor of the bathroom. I always HATED that he seemed to move on so fast with elena in the movies. It always seemed so disrespectful of Letty and like she didn't really mean much to him.
I love that he is "numb".
I love that Elena is a stand up woman (way better than Dom's sorry ass deserved in any case). Her words to him about having a second chance with his love are beautiful.
Nice set up!
| Guest chapter 17 . 5/23/2014
Holy crap this was a great chapter!
Dom discovering more scars in her was well written (even if he continues to use his strength to force her to do things, holding her in place against her will). You can really "see" how this is affecting Dom!
I am disappointed that Dom's response seems to be anger-all the time, anger! He doesn't ask her gently and tenderly about the scars. He can clearly see that she has been hurt and instead of angrily yelling at her he could be gentle and get her to open up...
I LOVE how you write him figuring out how she was hurt-cigarette burns. You do a great job showing his range of emotions.
Unlike that Letty is strong here.
"I'm fine, Dom. I can take care of myself. I DID take care of it."
I do think she's softening up to him too quickly. And without him really showing much personal growth.
Dom starts to show some remorse here:
"It shouldn't have fucking happened. Whatever this is, it shouldn't have happened to you." His voice was hard as he was torn between wanting to protect her and wanting to kill someone.
Yes Dom-good insight! But why doesn't he apologize (often) to her?
And Letty is tough on him here(but it is something he needs to hear).
"You know what? You're right. It shouldn't have happened. But you left me. You left me alone and it happened." She could feel the edge returning to her voice and closed her eyes so that she wouldn't have to meet his eyes. He looked so desperate, so lost, she knew if she saw him broken she wouldn't be able to hate him anymore. "Just go, Dom," she said after a minute. "And leave your key."
I am glad he looks lost and desperate. He needs to understand that his unilateral decision to leave her left her alone and she was injured. He needs to internalize this.
My main complaint is that Dom persists in be obtuse and unable to show that he has grown.
He keeps saying (or thinking) that all he cares about is if Letty is ok, but his actions show the opposite: that all he cares about is getting his way, ie getting Letty back. He doesn't ask her what happened, he doesn't ask her how and if he can help, he doesn't consider whether his current actions (forcing himself into Letty's life whether she wants it or not) are helping HER or just for his own benefit. Dom needs to show some real personal growth, some insight into his role in everything, and to TALK to Letty, not just get angry and manhandle her all the time...
| Guest chapter 16 . 5/23/2014
Oh my gosh the angst in this chapter was amazing! You are such a gifted writer! The lines coming from Letty were perfection!
It was (a little) sweet to see her thinking of Dom as he slept - like a large man-child (which coincidentally is his usually mental age).
"As she watched him sleep she felt herself softening the tiniest bit. He was the same big kid he had always been, the tough guy who slept with his chin tucked into his chest and one hand covering his face like a little boy."
And this part was golden: "i told you to get out," she said forcefully.
"I know," he said, raising his hands defensively. "And I will. But I was here when you went to sleep. I'm not going to let you fall asleep with me and wake up alone. Not anymore."
Ok- it is a sweet sentiment but as Letty points out it comes far too late. so he's tying to say that he learned his lesson? (Again-did I miss him actually apologizing to her somewhere?). Dom thinks that she's just pissed that he left her but there is so much more!
And Letty's answer was cold but AWESOME!
"You were supposed to tell me that when I still wanted to wake up with you," she said plainly. "Now you're making promises I don't need. Now you're just pathetic."
(I know I am mean here but I hope that line cut Dom to his heart! He cannot suffer enough until he realizes that what he did was wrong!
He deserves to suffer more than a couple days/weeks after what he put Letty through! Call it karmic payback ...)
"That's nice, Lett. You're a real sweetheart."
- THIS was the time for Dom to be kind and introspective-maybe say that he was sorry, that he never meant to hurt her, that he regretted his decision then and for every day since then! But no, he responds with anger and sarcasm!
And this part from Letty was even better:
"Oh fuck you. You treated me like I was disposable for fifteen years and now I'm supposed to be grateful that you left your cop whore long enough to chase me down? What's wrong, Dom? The whole uniform thing not turning you on anymore? Or does she want you to be a good boy playing house and you're getting bored?"
Yes! Dom DID treat her like she was disposable! Always flirting with other girls (even when he knew that pissed her off), leaving her behind over and over (let's not forget Los bandoleros where he left her, she was forced to track him down and then finds him with women all over him-yes Dom you really did treat her like she was disoosable!) he clearly treated Elena way better than he ever treated Letty...what is Letty supposed to think of that? (Now would have been a great time for Dom to explain to Letty that he was absolutely devastated by losing her , that his life was never the same, that it changed him, made him appreciate what he had now that he lost it, that if it looked like he moved on it was just because he was going through the motions, that he never felt for Elena what he felt for Letty, that even though he tried to move on that Letty was never our of his mind and that why he left Elena...). But alas, no. Dom doesn't feel the need to say any of that. Instead he continues being pissed!
And As usual, Dom completely missed the point. It's not JUST that he left her it's that he had promised they would stay together and then he left her. It's that instead of treating her like an equal in their relationship, he made a decision for both of them. It's not that he was sleeping with Elena- it's that he was willing to stay with Elena and make a life with her but he wasn't willing to do that with Letty-the woman who was loyal to him for Years! Dom simply doesn't get it!
Dom: "Is that what this is about? You're pissed that two years after I thought you were dead I started dating someone else? [no, Dom- she's pissed that you left her and were unwilling to make a life with her and then soon after her "death" you are making a life with some new woman]. Grow up, Letty, you aren't eight anymore. [isnt that the pot calling the kettle black! Dom acts like a spoiled kid and a bully the whole time. He wants what he wants immediately and never wants to work at it!] You don't get to be possessive of the toys you throw away." [is he kidding here? Does he know how hypocritical he sounds?!]
And Letty schools him again!:
"I threw you away?" she yelled, incredulous, unable to maintain her cool composure. "You left me, Dom. You leave me every time things get hard. Some fucking man you are, you don't just run away from your problems, you run away from your family too."
YOU. GO. LETTY! Absolutely right! Dom talks a good game but doesn't follow through with actions. You remind this asshole who likes to say "you never turn your back on family" that HE left HER, he turned his back on her. Remind This arrogant bastard who likes to say "Ride or Die" that she was ready tontine or die for him but HE LEFT HER -not the other way around. Remind him that he has no right to be angry when he was the one who is being possessive of a toy he threw away.
And note that he's still he's making excuses yet not apologizing! It's like the man is completely incapable of seeing any wrong on his part and incapable of saying "I'm sorry"!
"I needed to know you were safe. I left you because I love you."
"You don't love me," she spat, venom in her words. You loved having a mechanic you could fuck."
Oooh! Great comeback letty! Make Dom understand that his actions in leaving you (and them moving on to make a life with some random woman) have made Letty think that you never loved her! Dom needs to hear that because of his actions she doesn't believe he loves her!
FANTASTIC WRITING-I can't say it enough!
Ps at the end of the chapter, the rear of them reminiscing and laughing at the epic Dom and Letty fights of the past was kind of sad. Like they haven't changed at all since high school - except that now is VERY different from then. Letty has gone through so much after Dom left her that to compare it with some stupid teenage fights is ridiculous.
Also, it sounds like even in the past Dom was always worse to Letty than she was to him (his malicious shit as they said. After all the cheating and flirting with other girls HE did, where does he get off destroying her stereo because she goes on a date with another guy? I keep thinking that it's because everyone basically let Dom get away with being a cocky arrogant ass when he was young that he NEVER learned to be a grown ass man today! Not really so funny looking back...
| Guest chapter 15 . 5/23/2014
I am LOVING Leon in your piece. He is the best friend Letty could have-and clearly HER advocate and not just taking Dom's side cause he's a guy.
"Is that such a bad thing?" Leon asked seriously. "I knew she hated you, knew she didn't want you to find her. I'm not sure helping you was the right thing to do."
"She's hated me before. I'm not scared of her hating me."
Cocky arrogant Dom! It's like he thinks he can just come in and get back together with Letty-after all he out her through! Like it's HIS decision and not hers. It's as if he has NO CLUE that he was wrong to leave her. And no clue that it was wrong to make that decision without her.
And Leon schools him!
"Maybe you should be. We're not kids anymore, Dom. You didn't get busted getting a blowjob, you left her. She's the toughest person I know but what happened to her changed her. You don't know her anymore."
And THIS part from Leon is golden! (You are an amazing writer!)
"If she ever tells you, if she ever trusts you enough to tell you what happened, you might get her back. But you don't deserve it, so don't expect me to do anything more to help. I already did more than I should have."
And then Dom basically breaks into her house (after she told him to leave and stay away-can this man respect her in any way?). He needs to deal with his "loneliness and desperation"- maybe give him some insight into what Letty was feeling when he left her in the middle of the night. Maybe he can start to understand what she must have felt when he rejected her love and took away her right to make decisions for herself! Unlike Letty, who had to love with her loneliness and desperation for weeks or months after Dom left her, Dom basically gets a few days(maybe a week or two) and he's kicking in her door, invading her space (while she is sleeping! Creepy much?). He watches her sleep (and takes her gun away- the thing she keeps by her bedside to make her feel safe he takes away from her!).
I do LOVE how you describe Dom thinking about Letty through. Your description was well written:
"She looked as tiny in the huge bed as she had felt in his arms the day before. She had lost a lot of weight since he had seen her in the Dominican, weight her tiny frame couldn't afford to lose. Her hair was longer but, even matted to her head from a couple hours of tossing and turning, it didn't hide the shiny white scars that disappeared into her hairline. There were new scars, too, ones he hadn't seen before. Her bottom lip had obviously had stitches at some point, and her chest and shoulder looked like they had been torn apart and restitched more than once."
So now Dom knows that she has been hurt (a lot) physically in addition to some obvious mental damage from how she reacted yesterday to him.
Let's see if he changes his domineering and controlling behavior towards her. Let's see if he actually apologizes to her! (Did I miss him apologizing? I can't believe he hasn't yet...). Let's see if he lets her call the shots...
| Guest chapter 14 . 5/23/2014
Ok. Dom needs to calm the fuck down here! He says that he just needs to make sure Letty is ok and tell her that he loves her (last chapter) but immediately he chases her into her house, angrily bangs ok her door yelling at her, has a brief moment of concern when he finds her unconscious on the floor , and them is immediately back in anger mode. He KNEW she was pissed at him and didn't want to see him from their last encounter. What did he expect when he came out of nowhere?
But your writing here is AMAZING! I feel like I can see their interaction. Letty's panic at seeing Dom, Dom's panic when he thinks Letty is hurt , his hurt when see rejects him (Ps I am SO glad she put him in his place after his cocky attitude and laughing at her anger! His laughing at her and demanding that she tell him she missed him was WAAY out of line! He should have been on his knees begging her forgiveness and telling her he loved her and was sorry not laughing at her and holding her against her will. The whole part where he basically says that he's stronger than she is and he's going to force her to listen to him was too violent for a man who supposedly wants a chance with the love of his life! As per usual, Dom doesn't care about her needs or wants-just what HE himself wants at that moment. She just literally fainted in front of him and instead of being extra cautious with her he is "grabbing her arms and pinning her against the counter,... Dripping Blood onto her chest and soaked into her white bikini top as he stood above her." Really?! WTF Dom?!
I am glad that you had her say. "I don't fucking miss you. I stopped missing you when I stopped loving you."
Because Dom finally seems to get that she is serious and that he's acting like an ass and that acting all possessive and controlling is getting him NOWHERE! (Seriously-you write him grabbing her so hard that he left "dark bruises the shape of his hands on her arms. ". Really! Do we need the violent imagery here? Shouldn't Dom be more gentle with her? Particularly after she fainted and is clearly not well...?)
I LOVE LOVE LOVE how you wrote this part:
"He dropped to his knees and rested his forehead against her stomach, unable to look her in the eye. "Please," he whispered, "you have to love me. You promised you would always love me."
Absolutely amazingly written and THIS is the Dom he should be...remorseful and loving!
"Leave," she said, eerily calm as she side stepped and slid away from him. She walked calmly to her bedroom. "You know how, Dom. You've had lots of practice." she added before shutting the door.
And WOW-great last words from Letty! -You've had lots of practice leaving me! I totally felt the crush to Dom's spirit here. Wow!
And then Dom I sight back to rage mode! He needs to do some more introspection and also to figure out what is going on before he goes off on everyone (Letty, Leon, etc). He needs to take some responsibility for his actions and his role in all this!