Reviews for The Chronicles of Clan Northern Harrier: Book 1
serack chapter 3 . 6/16/2012
still going good i always liked land/air mechs
serack chapter 1 . 6/16/2012
looking good :)
Pilot Kylee chapter 3 . 6/10/2012
I have a few points to make.

1: The tech is too advanced. You have a society of one planet creating improved LAMs, ultraheavies, new weapons, and new battlearmors. With ONE BARELY HOSPITABLE PLANET!

... Alright. You have one clan's Technician and Scientist castes and build all that. Ivo!Caph only built LAMs and a yardship, and they had a good chunk of the Holy Shroud technical data.

So yeah. Too much OMGSUPAHTECH.
MayonakanoKitsune chapter 3 . 1/20/2012
It's a nice fanfic but I think you should make the chapters longer
StonedCoyote chapter 3 . 1/14/2012
Interesting start to the Trial.

You should note though that all Clans avoid use of physical attacks (punches, kicks etc.) I do like the idea of a waterjet weapon though. Not sure if it could through armour though - I'd see it as more of a disabling weapon, once an opponent's armour has been breached. The idea of a battlemech carrying a water tank seems a little odd too...but no reason why it shouldn't I suppose.
StonedCoyote chapter 2 . 1/14/2012
Hello again.

Have a few technical and historical nit-picks with this one.

First, I notice only a couple of weeks have passed, which means Nova VII must be pretty close to Luthien, since it takes 2 weeks to recharge a KF drive after a jump (unless the ship has lithium-fusion batteries, in which case it can double-jump). Even so, that still puts it in charted space, either in the Combine or in the Nova Cat / Smoke Jag OZ. Hard to see how they could have remained undetected for over 200 years. ;-)

Secondly, I see the story takes place in 3052 and that you have Clan Northern Harrier arrive right in the middle of a major canon battle, which led up to the Battle of Tukayyid. Although I've not read the second chapter yet, it would seem very foolhardy for any one force to attempt to take on 3 others, particularly those as strong as the DCMS, CNC and CSJ. Don't forget the Combine also had the likes of the Kell Hounds and Wolf's Dragoons to assist them. While the Clans might adhere to the batchall (bidding) process, the Combine and their allies aren't under any such restrictions...if I recall correctly, I don't think they did.

I'd also question the spoils. 20 square kilometres of land seems a pretty small prize. Normally territorial bids are for control of continents, towns or cities, or military bases or industrial facilities. It would have to be something pretty defensible as you can guarantee the DCMS and their allies would do their best to exterminate the Harriers.

The most likely scenario I can envisage is that all the current combatants would simply treat the Northern Harriers as interlopers and attack them on sight. The Clans might bid as you described, but they have been known to break their own rules when it suits them. I'd say they would be more likely to try to warn the Harriers off, or risk being attacked out of hand.

I'm also curious as to why you have the Combine commander sounding like a hillbilly. Their senior officers are more likely to be of Japanese / Oriental origin.

Also, rather than Fleet Admiral, Clans use the ranks Star Commodore and Star Admiral for senior naval officers.

Anyway, apologies if it sounds like I'm being harsh, (don't mean to - honest!) but it seems a bit of a stretch to have the Harriers get involved in one of the major battles of the Clan Invasion, one where they were defeated by the IS for the first time (a major milestone in BT history). As I said before, it would make more sense to have them go after Clan Wolf's holdings in the IS.
StonedCoyote chapter 1 . 1/14/2012
Hi Sieben. A few things struck me here.

You have a nice, descriptive style of writing, but I think it would help if you tried to create an overall picture of the setting, before getting into the detail.

Looking at the first paragraph, you're obviously describing a very cold, arctic world (I'm assuming similar to the ice planet Hoth from Star Wars). You could write something along the lines of:

"It was a momentous day on Nova VII, but you couldn't tell it from the weather, which was much the same as it always was. Situated on the extreme edge of the system's "life zone", the planet received little warmth from its sun. Whatever life may have once been present was now buried under kilometres of snow and ice. The strong solar winds also played havoc with the weather, creating regular blizzards.

One such storm currently enveloped the spaceport, whose buildings and hangars were nearly hidden by snow drifts, despite the best efforts of the workers who laboured to keep the service roads and launch pads clear. Despite the weather, the spaceport was a hive of activity. Teams of techs worked inside the hangars, which were heated to provide some respite against the bitter cold, prepping the massive Overlord dropships inside for launch. The less fortunate ones struggled against the driving snow, readying the massive crawler vehicles that would soon move them to the launch pads".

Since its only a brief summary, you could also include the the Clan's history in the officer's speech to his/her troops...helping to remind them why they ended up here and why they're setting out for revenge. From what you've written, I understand they're survivors of Clan Wolverine. For the record, their commander would be a Star Colonel or Galaxy Commander, rather than a General and they would address the troops as "Warriors" rather than "men".

I can't recall if they were classed as Wardens or Crusaders, but the reason for their annihilation was that the other Clans feared they'd become too like the Inner Sphere...so I'm guessing they would have Warden tendencies. This would make them unlikely to want to attack the IS. In my opinion, they would be more likely to target worlds in the Wolf or Jade Falcon Occupation Zones and try and carve out their own domain, like the Hell's Horses did.

Given that Clan Wolf were given the "honour" of annihilating the Wolverines, it would make sense for the attack to be directed at them.

Hope this is of some help.

Regards

Marcus
Wolberding chapter 3 . 12/28/2011
Good story sofar keep it up
Don't give up chapter 3 . 10/18/2011
Hey so i'm new here, this was the first story that looked interesting to me, I hope i'm not too late to encourage you! Your story is sweet! I love mechs and the whole "Water Cutter" weapon has me greatly intrigued! I hope to see more chapters coming soon! However, your chapters are a little short to me, but maybe that's just because I want to read MOAR :D But all in all, I really enjoyed what you have written so far and hope to be able to read some "moar" peace dude, and keep up the hard work!
RougeBaron chapter 3 . 10/12/2011
Alright dude, this may not be easy to swallow, but since you incessantly cry out for reviews, I'll give you my 2c.

First of all, there are 2 ways to attract reviewers. One, to upload a fun and entertaining story. Two, to RnR other people's works and suck it up to them, tell them that their stories are the best you've ever read, even though it's not true. I wouldn't suggest the latter, but in case you are desperate for more reviews, then you can do it )

But of course the elegant way to attract more reviews is to create a fun and entertaining story. Your story has potentials since you know a lot about Battletech universe, but creating a super clan having super technology with super cool mechs is not fun nor entertaining. Your clan broke the Smoke Jaguars without even trying. There have been too many fanfics with super great good guys who can destroy their enemies just by blowing air on them. So far this story falls right into that category.

The next thing is very little detail about what's going on. Chapter 2 is supposed to be about the engagement between Smoke Jaguars and Northern Harriers, but half of the time you still tell the background of the Northern Harriers, something that you have extensively explained in Ch.1 and the two additional stories. The engagement lasts only a few paragraphs, and those include land and air battles. And seriously, Water Cutter? What do you think a battlemech is made of? Fiber glass?

If I were you, I'd write less and read more. There are some great authors in this forum that provide examples how to write entertaining (not to mention high-quality) fanfics. A few of my favorites: sentinel28, Kat Wylder, Mutig, AidanPryde, Ulquiorra9000, Ferryman, StonedCoyote, The Wobbly Guy, among others. I would read how they did their stories, and I would learn their techniques. Then I would rewrite this story with skills I learnt from those authors. Hopefully with the new skills I can attract more reviewers.

I know it's not a kind of review you're looking for, but at least I'm being constructive (I think?). Take it as you like. Hopefully this helps you improve.
Ghost 1247 chapter 3 . 10/11/2011
Just started reading this story and I think you are doing very well. I always enjoy story's about lost Clans or lost SLDF units, so please keep going with this , I think it is worth the effort !
Baran3 chapter 2 . 9/7/2011
I forgot how irritating dealing with the clans could be.

I'm not sure i understand the Harrier in this stunt.

It looks like a advertisement action by challenging both the inner sphere and the clans at the same time.

I am also perplexed on the place of their initial strike. This particular planet? What is her tactical and strategical value?

However i dare say the jaguar khan is an idiot if she never heard of something called a beach-head.

The intentions of Harrier are murky at best, but i suppose it was intentional from your part.

I think the only thing lacking is a short description of the forces in presence: That is their numbers and classes. Don't forget to add their commanding officers and a brief story on their past exploits.
RougeBaron chapter 2 . 9/6/2011
OK, you ask for it:

You seem to have a solid grip of Battletech universe, but some of your facts makes me want to believe that this is an AU:

1. Capitan? That's not a standard Clan rank.

2. Clanners do not speak with heavy German accent. If they have accent at all, it's Russian (I read this in CBT). A lot of Clan epithets were derived from Russian language.

3. Sometimes Allen uses "Aff", sometimes "Ja".

4. Khan, not Kahn.

5. Sarah Weaver, not Samuel Weaver.

6. Generally Clanners hate LAM (OK, variable mechs). Their caste system clearly separates mechwarriors from aerospace fighters. LAM pilots are kinda both, so this is rather unacceptable in their society.

I'd suggest that you pick one way or the other. If you want to be strict canon, great. If you want AU, that's fine too. Standing in between makes the readers scratch their heads.
Allard-Liao chapter 1 . 8/29/2011
This story is interesting so far, but I will need more to form a solid oppinion. Overall, so far, so good.
Ulquiorra9000 chapter 1 . 8/27/2011
I must say, the epicness of the Exodus, the Clan formation, and the desire to return home are present and strong here, and the Clans and the Exodus fleet are in my opinion, the best part of BattleTech. And now, we get a custom clan and I'm curious to see what their customs are like, and whether they are Crusader or Warden... this chapter mentions that they are going to war, but doesn't say who they will fight! I bet chapter 1 might answer this burning question :)