|Reviews for 034: Darkness Rises From the Deep|
| LA Knight chapter 2 . 10/2/2012
Is this ever gonna be updated? It makes me so sad that I wait and wait and wait and it never comes. I would like to know how he's going to handle her when she wakes up from being drunk.
| TheBlackPages chapter 2 . 12/4/2011
Yes, I'm still alive (but busy with school and all) and back to review another one of your chapters. I picked this one to start with, since this just so happens to be my favorite story from you. Get ready for a long review.
Let me just start with the author notes:
-"Do not get me started on Balor being Nuada and Nuala's father, and him having a silver/mechanical arm. For fuck's sake, Nuada is Nuada Airgetlám Silverfist/arm dammit!" - ok, I understand your frustration, I really do, but Del Toro based his creation LOOSELY on actual myths, legends and so on and so forth. I urge you to read the story of Layla and Majnun (Persian in origin, it is the tale of two lovers who share a bond similar to what Nuada and Nuala have). There's another source of inspiration for the creation of the elves in my opinion. So really, just give him some credit, I don't think he purposefully butchered all those myths, he just got inspired from them and created something else.
-"Well, thank you ever so fucking much BlueRay for showing me that 1 - Nuada's got a yellow complexion like sulfur-y granite" - ya know, I noticed that Nuada's skin looked different in pretty much every scene. Not entirely so, but still noticeable. And I do not own a BlueRay DVD, so... I believe Del Toro (and for this you can freely chastise him) wanted to experiment with skin tones and decided to keep things like this, with Nuada chameleon-like. I may be able to dig up that interview for you if you'd like, in which he says these things.
-"And if he was cold, the cylinder would've steamed out the yin-yang. Well it doesn't. In fact, he doesn't react, and the metal doesn't react, or dim. So he can't be cold." - valid that one; but what if this coldness was the result of his bitterness, loneliness and so on? In the movie he still had hopes, dreams, a sister. Here...not so much. Everything's desolate. And he is cold, metaphorically too.
Now, on to the actual story:
-I have to keep on saying how much I love your style, how very descriptive and beautifully worded your stories are, how you can make your readers FEEL for the characters, how logical the events are, how much depth (and novelty) you can bring to these characters...gosh, I really do love it!
-"Saorlaith had very little more than a few descriptions of the world of man to go by, so could only imagine monolithic structures of metal and glass as broken shards of pain and ugliness." - beautiful, just beautiful.
-"Saorlaith was aware that all she was, was a woman who was not intended to be much more than a plaything for the elven Prince's amusement. Even if Nuada never seemed much amused by her. At times, it was more like he was...confused...by her." - elements of the plot (and I am REALLY curious as to where you're going with all this, so please update! )
-"This scout brings news from the battlefield, my lady." Silver armor, but mostly golden hair was braided away from his face, his helmet tucked under one arm, his eyes still locked on the ground at her feet." - once again, love how you add these gestures and tiny details that add mountains of realism to your story.
-"Waving a hand at them both, "Please, I know little of these...matters. Suggestions would be more than welcome, for I know nothing of warfare. I would defer to your experience and knowledge in this, as I've no knowledge of why you might come to me for those weighty matters." Noting how they continued to even stillremain bowed, "Please, will you rise?" - not that I am criticizing here, just being unsure of this: considering the relatively urgent situation, why would she say such a lengthy phrase? I know she has to be respectful and well-mannered, but wouldn't she want to know their thoughts and not hold a speech? I'm willing to buy your explanation (plausible one).
-"The guard captain turned to the scout. "Oisin, you will personally protect the Prince's lady. Take her to the interior." - blame it on my long absence from this site, but 'his lady'? Doesn't this title mean a bit more than what she actually is? Ok, no one (no guards, servants etc) wants to be disrespectful, or risk Nuada's ire by calling her what she is, but...really?
-"Racial hatred burned in them, and while she knew, understood intimately that they were fighting for species survival in that place, she hated them. Despised them. Wanted them dead for what they threatened to do, and what they had done already." - this says so much...Nuada's not the only one faced with a strong internal conflict, but she as well. And it's not quite the same as in the case of other human OCs, this is something slightly more, slightly different, much more easier to see it happen. Or so I feel.
-loved how Saorlaith used her experience to help fight the attackers and not run away scared. Gotta love her toughness and how she kept cool. And how's she actually so far from stupid and helpless and whiny and...Mary Sue-ish.
-""Have you gone hungry?" Looking at each of them, she tried to appeal to her fellow human women. "Have you been horribly raped by these men? Have you been frozen cold whenever you seek sleep? Have you baked in the heat, praying for a breeze as you feel you'll die from the stifling air? Do you fear that blades will come and destroy your life? Or have you been fed, clothed, housed, and protected?" Saorlaith saw their fear, and tried to address it. "Yes, you work, you earn your keep - don't you? And we're slaves, I know. But when have they harmed us? I've dealt with worse at the hands of our own men. Beatings, starving, and the constant threat of rape. I would rather gain something for what is taken, than be given nothing. Wouldn't you?" - loving this, for oh, so many reasons. Explains the two societies and more importantly, their ethics.
-"Lady Saorlaith," a shaking hand grasped hers and she could see how very young he was. "Lady Saorlaith, if they make a song about this - make sure that I sound heroic."- part adorable, part heartbreaking. And you couldn't resist explaining how the Fae age, couldn't you? I find it plausible and not too detailed as to become boring and interrupt the flow of the story.
-"Those 'boys' are older than you, and trained fighters besides," she watched his lips purse as he spoke, the mottling on his face nearly indistinguishable from blood splatter and sweat. - tempted to say YUCK! but then again, how else would he look, considering the situation? No one looks perfect 24/7, not even this handsome elf. And thank you, thank you for not adding any silly elements (such as saying that even if he looked like crap, he was gorgeous; cause he wasn't)!
-A muscle jumped along his jaw, "They are fighters, that is their place in life. If they die, then that too is their lot." - oh, the pragmatic elf. Yes, that's Nuada.
-"The woman she had asked to send some sort of crib for her little charge to sleep in to Nuada's rooms, had done so. Carefully she put the boy to bed, even though he woke a little, but she soothed him, humming softly to him until his bulbous eyes slid closed once more, then tucked the blanket up around him." - mommy instincts or is she going to adopt him?
-Humans, her own kind, had done horrible things in their attack on the castle, killing indiscriminately, even the poor human women in the kitchen who had been disfigured by rape and rapid torture. Unseen had done terrible things, cutting down her people as they tried to flee flashing silver blades in the night, tearing down the great massive cities, and destroying those barely understood institutions called 'government'. - war is always ugly. And why do I get the feeling that humans are that much uglier?
-"She didn't hear the door open, she didn't hear it close either...Eventually cool fingers took her chin in hand, coal-shot red-rimmed saffron paying attention to each smear or splatter." - that was written so damn well...I too tried to write a 'bath' scene and it didn't come anywhere close to this bit of perfection.
-Closing her eyes, Saorlaith lifted one side of the heavy material, pressing her face into it and inhaling deeply. - love that duality:she is and is not )not entirely) safe with him, but the balance tends to tip in the favor of the safety.
-Nuada suddenly looked taxed, not just from a hard battle and march, but from much more, the weight of his people bearing down heavily. "You think I don't know that? Do you think that I send boys out into the field? I leave them here. It gives them experience, with less chance of dying. I can't leave our few women, and our even fewer children undefended, but I also cannot allow your kind to gather forces and strength!" - felt so bad for him. Nuada always had to make the hardest choices and I've always liked his ability to accept hard necessities and even if he disliked doing something, if it needed to be done, he did it with a 'so be it' attitude.
-A great sigh was heaved, as he paced close to 'her' toddler, his hands clasped behind his back. "Do you think I have full control over them? They have their own customs and rites. I can only command a certain amount of loyalty from a few of the clans. Not many, and due to this day's incursion, that number has been reduced." - sounds legit
Ok, gotta stop my review here, for I cannot write more(word limit and all). But one last thing. Dear God, woman...PLEASE, PLEASE update! Please!
| TheRealTayler13 chapter 1 . 9/8/2011
plz update soon cant wait to read more
| TheBlackPages chapter 1 . 9/1/2011
I just had a chat with Juliette a couple of days ago, I was pestering her to update her two HellBoy stories, when she told me another authors had asked for permission to take over one of her stories. I was at first rather reluctant, I liked her writing style and her ideas. Generally, such continuances lack that sparkle that got the reader so interested in the story. While your style is indeed different, it's not bad. I'm glad life/fate proved me wrong.
Going to take the time to write a proper, long review, to sort of reward you for this gift you're sharing with us, also for the effort and time you must've poured into this piece, cause it shows you haven't simply sat down at the PC and just wrote something.
I particularly liked these parts:
-"I didn't say that it was forbidden, I asked why you would wish to see it," his voice close once more, from the other side of her, and this time the hand that came out to touch her arm was gloved. "Tell me this, and it will remain to you." - that was so in character, and it sent shivers down my spine, well done!
-She forgot his presence for a time as she flitted from one bush or tree to another, reaching out, touching plants and trees that she had never seen the like of.- just liking the way it's worded.
-"If you wish to play with poison and lose your life, then you most certainly may," and with that she was released. - grr...you got his tone and speech almost to perfection. Impressive.
-Like a frozen rabbit Saorlaith held a fist to her mouth, holding in the cry of distress. Someone like Prince Nuada, Death's avatar, should not be felled by such small human means. - oh, how wonderfully written...
-His expression was hard, vaguely squinting against the brightness, but she found that she held no fear of him in that moment. It had been several days since she looked at him and felt anything like that. Nuada was a man, impressive, imposing and powerful, but still just that, even whilst awake finally. A man.- I think I am simply in love with this part. It just says so much, with so few words.
-She received a sharp look for her trouble, the muscles jumping in his jaw. "I am a man who does not enjoy lying in his own waste. Now let me up, or if you feel that you must, then assist me." -oh, the tidbits that make their interactions believable, that keep them in character and me in love with this. Absolutely fantastic.
-Surrounded by the scent of deep, autumn wind, strange spices, and the association of safety and security swamping her. - made me turn into a big puddle of goo..
-"Learn, child, learn..." - actually, that entire segment of the chapter was so excellent. It sets the new premises. I'm terribly excited now.
-the lovemaking scene - so tastefully done.
Uncertain about these bits:
-"come along" - now it might be just me, but whenever I hear/read these two words, I immediately think of a teacher/nanny/mother, talking to children. I dunno why, probably because of all the movies I've watched that had this 'come along now, kids'. What I'm trying to say is, it ruins the moment for me. Perhaps, maybe...change a bit? *puppy eyes*
-"little human girl" - once again, this is the result of what I've once read. It got stuck in my head, can't get it out. My dislike for this word association comes from reading a Nuada fiction with a most annoying Mary Sue and in there, there would always be something like "little sweet angel", or "little angel" and so on. It just reminds me of that God awful story.
On another note, it also could express an odd affection. If you have aimed for sarcasm, or the hint of superiority from the elf, then perhaps "slave" could work better? Merely suggesting. It's your story, just letting you know what did not work for me. As you can see, not really your fault either, but to me, they are a bit of a big deal.
-The Prince made a face at the cup, downing its contents. "If you must." - I do think he'd control himself better, he had until then, if he could school his features into a calm mask when in pain, why act like a child when about to drink bitter medicine?
-you have some composition errors, some spelling ones as well. Here's an example: "the words, directed in mans' tongue could only be met for her." - the words were MEANT. No?
I think a beta would definitely help with this story's tiny mistakes and readability. I've seen some phrases here and there that could definitely use a bit of polishing, to improve said readability. After all, you got everything so right, why not have every aspect of this story just perfect?
All in all, great first chapter from you, I loved it and I sincerely hope you will keep up the good work.