|Reviews for Why?|
| nostalgic-dandelion chapter 6 . 6/7
Alright so this is an old story, and I'm only on chapter 6 so don't know whether this is completed or abandoned. This started as a decent mafia romance plot, but it just wasn't executed properly. I'll start with the easiest stuff to rectify and go from there, I could just be wasting my time writing up this constructive criticism but if you ever get back into writing I hope you consider these points to try and improve.
Firstly, when I began reading I ignored all the spelling and grammar mistakes because I thought English might not be your first language. But six chapters in and the only reason you've given is that you don't have a beta reader. That's a poor excuse, not just for you, but for any writer here on FF. These are basic spelling and grammar mistakes that people learn at school before they're 10 years old (assuming English is your first language), and these repeated mistakes could have been easily picked up and corrected with an automated spell check. It honestly just gives us readers the impression that you don't even bother to read through your chapters before you upload them. Just reading over it once and you should be able to catch most of your mistakes and that takes less than 10 minutes to do.
The second issue is repetition. When something happens to a character, you have a habit of making that character or someone else repeat the event almost word for word as dialogue when they tell others about it. This wouldn't be so annoying if the event hadn't just happened two paragraphs before that. Literally in every chapter so far I've skipped paragraphs because it's just someone retelling the event so monotonously that it feels like you just copied and pasted the actual event and tweaked to fit as dialogue. Example: when Bella fainted after seeing the pig's blood on her bed and woke up, instead of having Edward retell EVERYTHING that he did after Bella blacked out word for word (including the different orders he gives his men after seeing the blood, stuff that's already played out to the reader literally 2 paragraphs before that) you could have rather written something like: 'Edward began to fill Bella in on all that had happened while she was out cold.' Done. That's it, short and sweet.
Third issue is character and plot development. Look I get that Edward's been going to the diner nearly everyday for a few months but all Bella knows about him is his name and what he likes for lunch. That's all. Yet, after her apartment is broken into a second time and Edward shows up saying he's had an officer keep an eye out for her all this time 'just in case' (which any woman would find creepy), she agrees with barely any resistance to go and LIVE WITH HIM - okay they were going to be evicted and she was scared but you don't immediately turn to the stranger who's been subtly stalking you for over a month! And then you have them go and do some passionate oral on each other in the shower after Bella's only stayed there for ONE NIGHT. They know next to nothing about each other but you've got them acting completely lovesick!
Lastly, dialogue versus subtext. Most of your verbal dialogue between characters, as well as thoughts processes of those characters, are very unnatural. There's barely any back and forth dialogue to show normal conversation between people; it's more like Bella spews out all the info the reader needs to know about her for the entire story in one robotic monologue and then Edward has a similarly robotic, albeit protective, reaction in the form of his own verbal or thought monologue and that's it. Read up on subtext. There's a lot you can reveal about the plot or characters throughout the story, without revealing everything all in one go in the fear that the reader won't catch on themselves - this is what builds character and expands plots, while adding depth and suspense.
I hope this review doesn't come off as being too ranty or aggressive, just trying to help you improve your writing :) All the best
| Gidget922 chapter 21 . 5/29
That was an action packed story, so glad Sherry Neal rec'd it.
| snoopylover60 chapter 10 . 5/24
How did a Mob boss, let his girlfriend be taken, and act like he has not clue what to do...
| Angelmagnet chapter 14 . 4/30
So we still don't know what the rumors are and Lauren, she didn't even get fired for what she did. Bella is to easy, Edward too.
| Angelmagnet chapter 12 . 4/30
Nice Chapter. Rose turned around pretty quick after Bella's ordeal, cool that. So will we find out how Eric got involved with Black? That must be some story.
| Angelmagnet chapter 10 . 4/30
OK, this chapter was a little far fetch. First of all, you can't sell someone, that's illegal, so signing a contract selling someone is nonescenes, even in fanfic. Selling someone for college tuition, WTH, it would have been a better story if Eric had a gambling debt and put his sister up for collateral. So if he didn't play ball as in win or lose basketball games at Blacks request, then they get the sister. Makes more sense. Since this story was written a while ago, critiquing is a waste, but it had to be said. This Chapter was very exciting otherwise. What happened to Sam when he was following Black at the Basketball game? How did Black get Bella right outside the doors to they gym? So many questions.
| Angelmagnet chapter 1 . 4/29
Wow, very pleasantly surprised. A little mystery going on here. Corin called Edward, WTH and yes, even though I'm reading this after the fact, so happy you continued writing. Lovin it :-).
| silversimon chapter 2 . 1/1
It's late in the game I realize, but Edward's POV is much appreciated. I'd prefer more Edward and less Bella. Enjoying the beginning of your story.
| thehostlover101 chapter 2 . 9/7/2015
| Miss Nae Malfoy chapter 1 . 9/4/2015
I absolutely love it! Re-read it yesterday and was not disappionted.
| Burning4Peeta chapter 21 . 5/14/2015
I loved the story in the beginning. As I went on I started keeping track of the grammatical errors. You seriously need a dictionary.
This was written a few years ago so hopefully you've improved some.
| NicolaClaire chapter 1 . 3/26/2015
Good grief, is this a joke? Did you lie about your age or are you really a 33 year who can't spell? Did you go to school at all? THROUGH not threw, SUIT not suite, UZI not oozy (that one was laughable) and don't even get me started on Their, There, They're! Trying to decipher all the mistakes is like wading through custard. Get a beta for heavens sake. Or an English tutor.
| Guest chapter 1 . 9/8/2014
Yeah, I definitely couldn't get past chapter one. It looks like a 6th grader wrote this. The grammar was awful. You really need to get a beta to double check and improve your writing.
| qwert.riggaloo chapter 2 . 6/24/2014
Ok, I have one problem, and you've probably heard it a million times by now but.. If the boys come to the diner five to six times a week, Bella should be earning $250-300 a week not $150. Other than that GREAT STORY :)
| ClaryRoss chapter 1 . 11/21/2013
The grammatical errors!
I just couldn't deal.
Make the mistake once or twice, whatever, but the same one consistently!
Their, they're and there are all different words.
Their-to indicate possession
They're-is a contraction of the words they and are.
There- when referring to a place
'You're' means you are, 'your' means your.